FitMomma Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I posted late last week, my hubby has been involved in an emotional affair with a woman he works with. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159407/ Long story short, my hubby is a foreman on a large construction job, employed through his union contract, she is an on-site coordinator for the company. We are again in the few days after he claims that he has ended his friendship, this time with much more conviction than before, however that gut instinct of mine is just not convinced. It has served me well so far, and he had some questionable, though eventually explainable, behavior yesterday. I know that long term, they cannot have contact with each other...period. My hubby is not likely to be moved to another job, and neither he nor I know how long she is on the job (he's never worked on this large a job where this person would be onsite everyday.) What I'm debating right now is....Is it appropriate for me to go to my husband's boss? My husband's boss is a mentor to him, the leader of my husband's overall crew, and a family friend. While we don't lunch by any means, I've been to his home, to his daughter's wedding, and know him and his wife. So is it appropriate, and if so, what would be the best way to approach him? I have no idea what I would say, and whether to include my husband in on my intentions or the conversation. Any advice for those who have been there would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Meaplus3 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I posted late last week, my hubby has been involved in an emotional affair with a woman he works with. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159407/ Long story short, my hubby is a foreman on a large construction job, employed through his union contract, she is an on-site coordinator for the company. We are again in the few days after he claims that he has ended his friendship, this time with much more conviction than before, however that gut instinct of mine is just not convinced. It has served me well so far, and he had some questionable, though eventually explainable, behavior yesterday. I know that long term, they cannot have contact with each other...period. My hubby is not likely to be moved to another job, and neither he nor I know how long she is on the job (he's never worked on this large a job where this person would be onsite everyday.) What I'm debating right now is....Is it appropriate for me to go to my husband's boss? My husband's boss is a mentor to him, the leader of my husband's overall crew, and a family friend. While we don't lunch by any means, I've been to his home, to his daughter's wedding, and know him and his wife. So is it appropriate, and if so, what would be the best way to approach him? I have no idea what I would say, and whether to include my husband in on my intentions or the conversation. Any advice for those who have been there would be much appreciated. Thanks! I would not go to your Husbands boss it's really not your place. I think it's up to your H to speak with him if need be. AP:)
soda Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I've been there. My wife has been involved an EA for almost a year at her workplace (although I didn't discover it for a long time.) I didn't talk to her boss, although I did consider doing so. To be honest, I decided against doing so because I didn't think it would do any good. The problem wasn't the company...it was that my wife was involved with another man. Even if they were counseled by the company or seperated somehow, it wouldn't necessarily mean that W and OM would stop communicating with each other. You might suggest that your H talk to his boss to see if he has any options for ending contact with OW. If the company is large enough, they might be able to assign one of them to a different project. I'm sorry that you're in this position. I've been there. I hope that you're able to be more successful than I was.
Angel1111 Posted July 29, 2008 Posted July 29, 2008 I'm not sure what your motivation would be for doing this. For his boss to step in somehow, or make the OW go away? No, it's a bad idea and I strongly recommend that you not do this. I have people working under me and if one of their spouse's came to me about something like that, I would totally lose respect for them. Just my thoughts, but it sounds like your husband is making you think that he's being chased by a woman who has, inexplicably, fallen in love with him. I'm not buying that for one second. He is probably the one who pursued this woman to begin with, and is still chasing her. Despite how bad all this is and how much it hurts you, if you treat this as though your husband is an innocent bystander who needs your intervention, you're going to regret letting him put you in that position. He's not a little boy who needs his mom to protect him. He's a grown man who has insulted you and continues to do so by still talking to this woman. That's the thing I'd be dealing with.
Crestfallen_KH Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Like soda, I understand why you would consider this. When my ex-husband got involved with a married co-worker, I briefly considered revealing the affair to their boss - especially after he refused to leave his job. If your husband is attempting to work on the marriage with you, getting him fired or causing problems at his workplace are going to alienate and anger him and make the OW more desirable. Even though my husband chose not to work on the marriage with me and leave for her, I elected not to say anything to their boss. I realized my main motivation would have been to get revenge and humiliate him the way I felt humiliated. I also wanted the events, however they may have transpired, to play out the way they were supposed to; I didn't want to manipulate or shame him into coming back to me. I felt that a reunion based on those reasons would not have been successful and I wasn't about to go through that pain twice. In the end, they both got fired anyway. It was a very small firm and since he moved in with her, I'm sure it was pretty obvious to everyone what was going on. About a month after the affair began, they canned her for reasons "no one would discuss." He was a contractor, and when his project ended approximately 3 weeks later, they elected to let him go too. Me? I got to keep my dignity and have no regrets. Good luck to you.
Author FitMomma Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 I appreciate the feedback. I considered the conversation only because I know his boss personally - Not sure I'd have the gumption if he was a virtual stranger. All the replies I received from my first posting were adamant about No Contact....well, my husband is the least confrontational man I've ever met (one of his downfalls), king of avoiding the problem and it will go away. His was of working on our marriage will be to do his best to ignore her, but certainly not confront anyone at work about getting her transferred or anything like that. But I will head the advice not to talk to his boss directly. I wasn't completely comfortable with the idea, but since I've never been through this before, I really didn't know if that was appropriate or not. At this point, if my husband is going to continue the EA, he's going to continue it. Period. However, I have the phone records to prove that it was her, indeed, that pursued him, and no doubt that in and of itself was his motivation for entering into a friendship that he wouldn't share with me and is why he's struggling to let go. He asked to read the "Not Just Friends" book by Shirley Glass, so we'll see if he actually cracks it open and starts reading.
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I'll be the voice of dissent here. If he's not taking action to end the affair and establish NC...then yes, you go to his boss. Its hardly surprising that he doesn't want to "rat himself out". But if he clearly realizes that its that, or YOU will do so...then he'll probably opt to do it himself. The only reason I would go to the boss would be if your H is NOT taking the steps he needs to take. Has he started exploring options to move to another job site, etc...?
grogster Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Going to the boss about your H's Affair may get your H fired or disciplined and cause him to further immerse himself in his Affair-World. Even if no adverse job action occurs you become the enemy, and your romantic rival becomes that much more attractive. People in Affairs have an "us vs. them" mentality. Don't add fuel to that fire. Plus, it's very difficult keeping work affairs from the boss and co-workers. I bet they already know. You could speak to your H's parents or siblings. That might be more effective. If you do, get ready for the defensive backlash.
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I see your point, Grog. But the deal is this...her marriage will more than likely survive his "getting fired". It WON'T survive an ongoing affair. This isn't an "us vs. them" thing. If the boss and the co-workers "already know", then she's not doing anything but asking for their assistance in ending the affair...right? This is a course of action she should take only if he's not taking action to ensure NC and PERMANTLY end the affair. I DO agree with the idea of going to his family and friends for assistance as well. And it should be very important that when she goes, she should make it clear she's not trying to hurt him by doing so, but she's fighting to save her marriage because she loves him and wants this to get worked out and resolved. And she needs to ensure that she does NOT tell him she's going to do so ahead of time, or he'll do 'damage control' to limit the effectiveness of going to them.
grogster Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I see your point, Owl. Damn, now I'm reconsidering. When one wants to save her marriage perhaps no punches should be pulled. Good point.
rose315 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I think the problem with going to his boss is that it might upset your H even more for talking to his boss about it and I'm just not sure that would help out your situation. I know with my H he is a very private person and would be furious with me if I went behind his back and told his boss. I can completely 100% understand why you would want to tell his boss because i'm going through the same thing right now, but I don't know if telling his boss is the best way to approach it. Unfortunately i'm learning the hard way that we can't force our H's to stop seeing these OW. I forced my H to call her up in front of me and tell her it was over and all it did was make me feel really embarrassed and weak. My H should've been the one to tell her it was over, but yet I had to put the phone in his hand like he was a child and forbid him to talk to her. It was definitely not one of my best moments and I would hate for you to feel that way.
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Taking action to end the affair is GOING to upset her H...that's an unavoidable thing. Upsetting her H by taking steps to end the contact between him and his OW is an acceptable risk. Because the risk of doing nothing is much greater. A BS should NOT "walk on eggshells" around the WS. They won't do themselves any good. There's a "plan A" description I posted on SingleDad's thread over on the "seperation" forum that you might want to take a look at for guidelines on where to fight and where to compromise.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Is this co-worker married or have a boyfriend? If so, tell the spouse about her affair with your husband.
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