What Do You Think?

[Diana]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 5 years and plan to marry within the year. My problem is this: we have never had intercourse. I have asked and he refuses saying he would rather wait until we get married. He has also given me the excuse of an accidental pregnancy since I am not on the pill. I have wondered whether something was wrong with me and his attraction toward me, I've thought maybe he was cheating on me, I've even questioned his sexuality. Neither one of us are virgins and in our late twenties. A friend of mine suggested I get some answers before we get married. Thanks.

[Tony T]

There are many possible reasons why he refuses to have intercourse with you but telling me he is not a virgin eliminates most of them. You did not say whether or not there were ways other than intercourse in which he has been satisfying you sexually...but if there are none, it is YOU with the problem, not him.

 

Even in year 2000, there are some men who prefer not to have sex with the woman they will marry until after the ceremony, as crazy as it sounds, mostly for religious reasons. But after five years of going together??? He may have some sort of sexual dysfunction he doesn't want to discuss with you (a danger sign). He may have been belittled after a previous sexual experience and now has performance anxiety (a danger sign). He may have an addiction to masturbation, hense no desire for sex (a danger sign). He may have a disease he is too ashamed to tell you about (a major danger sign). He may have an erectile dysfunction. He may take medication or use illicit drugs that take away his desire (danger here too!) Almost all of these can be corrected or treated if he has the desire.

 

The fact that you have to post this question on the Internet says MAJOR things about your relationship with him. There is a credibility or trust problem between the two of you, and certainly a communication problem. You need to absolutely insist that he come clean on the subject immediately or the deal is off. We aren't talking just a few months here...WE ARE TALKING F I V E (5) Y E A R S!!! (H E L L O! ! !) If he stil insists on the fear of pregnancy thing, see last paragraph.

 

There may be one or two men on the planet actually concerned about possible pregnancy. But what could be more beautiful than getting your love of five years pregnant and moving the wedding up a little bit. If that is his fear at this point, what will his excuses be after the wedding. I really hate to inject this, but there are cases where people are incompatible when it comes to intercourse.

 

Now, my answer to your question: Insist that the two of you go to a doctor, psychologist or sex therapist as soon as possible to discuss this issue together. If all three of you can resolve this satisfactorilly, then you may be OK. If not, you are nuts to continue an engagement with someone who is as sexless as a wet mop.

[Tony T]

After reading my post, I may have been ambiguous about this fear of pregnancy thing. In my second to last paragraph, I meant that there would be very few men who would have this fear after seeing someone for five years and having a very major commitment with them. Even for those casually dating, certain birth control methods are nearly foolproof. I don't buy this excuse from a guy who has been seeing you for F I V E (5) years. Ask him how he feels if you are on birth control, get an IUD, insert a sponge, time intercourse when you are least fertile, he wears a condom, and he withdraws just prior to ejaculation. Would he have intercourse with you then?