Why is there always someone better?

[shanny]

One thing I've suffered from my whole live is not feeling good enough. No matter what I do there is always someone who does it better. No matter how good I look there is always someone prettier. I'm in a relationship right now and I can't even imagine why he wants to be with me when there are people so much better than me out there. He is talking to some girl who he swears he has no feelings for but she's prettier than me and has a better job. She is a freakin VP of a company at 25 years old. How am I to compete with people like this? How am I supposed to have self esteem?

 

I'm getting to the point where I drink constantly to forget the pain and thinking about killing myself. Yes, I am bipolar but I take meds for it. I just don't know what to do.

[EnigmasMuse]

One thing I've suffered from my whole live is not feeling good enough. No matter what I do there is always someone who does it better. No matter how good I look there is always someone prettier. I'm in a relationship right now and I can't even imagine why he wants to be with me when there are people so much better than me out there. He is talking to some girl who he swears he has no feelings for but she's prettier than me and has a better job. She is a freakin VP of a company at 25 years old. How am I to compete with people like this? How am I supposed to have self esteem?

 

I'm getting to the point where I drink constantly to forget the pain and thinking about killing myself. Yes, I am bipolar but I take meds for it. I just don't know what to do.

 

I would think drinking while on meds might not be to wise to mix. Have you talked to a counselor about how you feel? How about family or friends?

[Lizzie60]

One thing I've suffered from my whole live is not feeling good enough. No matter what I do there is always someone who does it better. No matter how good I look there is always someone prettier. I'm in a relationship right now and I can't even imagine why he wants to be with me when there are people so much better than me out there. He is talking to some girl who he swears he has no feelings for but she's prettier than me and has a better job. She is a freakin VP of a company at 25 years old. How am I to compete with people like this? How am I supposed to have self esteem?

 

I'm getting to the point where I drink constantly to forget the pain and thinking about killing myself. Yes, I am bipolar but I take meds for it. I just don't know what to do.

 

Huh????

 

You say he is WITH you... no? so that means he WANTS YOU.. not that other girl..

 

Come on now.. you got to believe in yourself girl... There will always be prettier, smarter people.. but when someone choose to be with someone, that means something right?

 

My advice: STOP DRINKING.. because then you will lose him... and then you'll be even MORE miserable... and you'll feel uglier.. you have nooo idea what alcool does to your skin.. it's not pretty...

 

The sexiest quality of a woman is her self confidence.. you know.. if you are jealous and clingy that will push him away FOR SURE... if you are confident and loving.. he will be at your feet.. trust me on that one ...

 

no matter what... you have no control over his emotions and his actions.. so just enjoy being with him..

 

Remember 'YOU'RE THE BEST... F .. THE REST!!!!"...

 

Be strong.. be confident.. be a WOMAN!!!!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Shanny, you need to go to a doctor. Especially if your drinking to fight your pain and thoughts of suicide.

 

Now what I am going to tell you is not meant to be mean or cruel, but there is always someone better than us in someway form or fashion. There are people who are going to have more talents then us. There are going to be those who have more money. There are going to be those who are prettier. There are those who have better positions. But, guess what, SO ARE WE!

 

Think about that person who is disfigured. You don't think they will look at you with some envy? Don't you know there is some woman some where that is jealous because there are women like you with men and they don't have one? How many people are going to bed without a real roof over there heads or food in their stomach? If you are working, I can tell you, I wish I was in your shoes since I have been unemployed for over 7 months now and I have a college degree and years of skills.

 

So Shanny, I pray that you find this helpful and that you take the time to talk to a professional about these deeper feelings you are going through. Please be well.

 

 

DNR

[LonePoster]

Best not to think of it as better of worse, just diffrent. You may percieve the girl as prettier due to a negative look of yourself. But whatever it is, he doesn't...He sees you.

[Taramere]

One thing I've suffered from my whole live is not feeling good enough. No matter what I do there is always someone who does it better. No matter how good I look there is always someone prettier. I'm in a relationship right now and I can't even imagine why he wants to be with me when there are people so much better than me out there. He is talking to some girl who he swears he has no feelings for but she's prettier than me and has a better job. She is a freakin VP of a company at 25 years old. How am I to compete with people like this? How am I supposed to have self esteem?

 

Impossible to know, without knowing a bit more about the self you would like to esteem. How would you describe yourself, in terms of your tastes, talents, sense of humour and general philosophy towards life? Make it as long as you like (using paragraphs though, to make it easier to read).

 

Tastes (pastimes, books you like to read, music and film preferences, food etc)

 

Talents (any special/unusual skills you have? what things have other people told you you're good at?)

 

Sense of humour: what's the last thing that made you really crack up laughing?

 

General philosophy towards life: Which public figures do you admire, and why? If you could sum up the way you'd like to live your life with just one phrase, what would that phrase be?

 

Maybe you don't want to answer all this right now. If not that's fine. Use the forum, read different threads where people are encouraged to talk about who they are, what they like and what they stand for. Question yourself about these things. Find out more about your "self", then treat that self with the things it likes and enjoys. That might be one way to help you to start liking and esteeming yourself a bit more highly.

[georgejungle]

it sucks, sure.. those feelings of worthlessness. But they

are so pointless it's not even funny. Our brains can be so

crippling at times to our well being. This is just my opinion.

 

I've gone thru all that crap too. But there will always be someone

better at guitar or better at talking in front of a crowd or

better at crunching numbers, you can't let it get you down.

 

i agree what was said here, self confidence is a whole heck of a lot

more attractive to me than a pretty face. I like a confident girl.

She doesn't have to be overly confident, just a little.

 

none of this helps you much, i'm assuming. I'm sure you've tried

things to help you out. Don't drink though. It's not problem solver.

it only masks the pain. Seek a couselor or someone to talk to,

you're not alone even though you feel that way.

[nopainnogain]

Your not better than anyone and no one is better than you.

[carhill]

Hey, OP, is that your cat? Cats are cool. They're very discerning of quality people

 

Anyway, welcome to the human race. Glad you could join us. You're not alone

 

I don't quite know what "talking" to the 25yo VP means, but, if your guy is disrespecting you, lose him. That kind of drama will only make whatever your personal issues are worse....

[zxcirce]

Shanny,

 

who told you that you had to be the best, or nothing at all?

 

 

That's simply not the way life works; thinking so is a self-defeating mentality. Who said mediocre isn't okay, maybe even preferable?

 

Your distorted thinking is what is hurting you here. Think about it.

[shanny]

Thank you all so much for your help. Yes Carhill, that is my beautiful little cat Harley. He's a doll.

 

Taramere... a little more about me. Oddly enough most people say I'm very attractive. I'm Greek Italian and sometimes I think I'm pretty darn cute. But I'm always on the lookout for girls my bf could be looking at. He is your typical "guy's guy" who thinks it's ok to make comments about other girls in front of his girlfriend. He's told me over and over that is just how he is programmed and he loves me. Maybe some girls can handle that... I'm not sure I can. He has gotten better about it though. Anyway I'm a successful commercial real estate agent, drive a new Audi, have a nice apartment... I have NOTHING to complain about. I think I'm just totally psycho (hence the large amounts of drugs I take). My main interest and love are animals... I see myself as every animal's mother and just want to take care of them all. I have my two cats that I refer to as my "kids" and I take them every year for santa and easter bunny pictures, take them to the pet store to pick out their own stuff... etc. I guess you could say I'm a little quirky.

 

Me being totally honest here and I don't want it to come out wrong... but when I see someone who doesn't have as much as me but is overflowing with confidence, I would trade them for their life in a second. My best friend who is horribly overweight has more self confidence than me.

 

I know I can't be the best... and when I type out that I want to be the best I sound like a jerk. I don't want to judge other people... I just want my boyfriend to see me as the best there is, even if I'm not.

 

God this is all probably a jumbled mess. I have been on drugs for my problems for many years but have never really talked to someone. I always tell myself that counselours are just people with problems like everyone else... what gives them the right to try to help other people? Maybe I need to get over it and give it a try. I actually tried once many years ago but all the counselor wanted to talk about was my sex life and made me very uncomfortable. None of the problems were about my sex life... I think he was just a perv and has hopefully lost his license.

 

OK... thank you again. I am working on not drinking as much. But every day when I get home I just want to go right to my Captain and Coke. It's very tempting because it helps me not worry about what I am and what I'm not. But you all are right... it's just hiding everything and really not good to mix with my meds.

[CaliGuy]

There's always going to someone who is bigger, stronger, better looking, taller, slimmer, etc.

 

My question to you is why do you compare yourselves to others? The only approval you need to seek is within.

 

"A man who loves himself will have no rivals..." - Benjamin Franklin

[carhill]

It is interesting how reality and perception interplay, both for the OP and this reader.

 

Shanny, your BF has complete control over his behaviors. He may indeed be programmed to comment upon, leer at, and salivate over any female which encroaches on his domain, but he can change that behavior when in your presence. A quality man will do that.

 

If you are taking medications for bi-polar disease, you should be under the care of a competent psychiatrist. I can't imagine getting a GP to handle such issues, even though they can Rx the meds. A referral to a competent psychologist could help you immensely. They are medical professionals, just like doctors. Behavioral therapy and cognitive therapy are important adjunct work for someone with bi-polar disease.

 

So, you're successful and have a boyfriend who ostensibly loves you. I'd say you're doing far better than someone, say, like me. But, perhaps, the difference is that I never have defined myself by what others think or how society perceives me. Sure, negative opinions and ignoral hurt, but they don't affect my core belief in myself. That's the place I'd like you to find. Acceptance of your uniqueness, beauty and value. Just for you

[daphne]

I think everyone compares themselves to others, to varying degrees. Ultimately, however, you have to be who you are and learn to be your own best friend. If there's something you really dislike, change it. Otherwise, embrace it and appreciate what you have and who you are. As you get older, you'll kick yourself for not realizing your strengths.

 

Perhaps someone in your formative years belittled you and you don't know what your strengths are. Perhaps you're not the person you really want to be. Either way, take inventory and respect the fact that you must be doing something right since you have a boyfriend who cares (if he is a llittle obtuse about talking about other women in front of you) and you have what sounds like a kick a@@ job.

 

Start looking at your positives and build on those. Don't expect to build a foundation of self esteem by thinking you have to be the best at everything and that you're nothing if you're not the best.

[Arise_Serpentor]

maybe learn to make yourself happy instead of relying on the acceptance of others to make you happy?!?!

[Taramere]

I'm always on the lookout for girls my bf could be looking at. He is your typical "guy's guy" who thinks it's ok to make comments about other girls in front of his girlfriend. He's told me over and over that is just how he is programmed

 

People generally like to look at things that please their eyes, and to draw their friends'/partners' attention to those same things. In some sense, you're doing that too when you're on the look-out for girls your boyfriend might be liable to look at. It's possible to look at something beautiful without thinking "I must, in some way, have that - or I must be/become that."

 

But when your boyfriend talks about how he's programmed, I would have thought he's talking more about the urge to look...rather than the urge to make it clear to you that he's looking at other women. The latter seems more of a behavioural choice. Not doing it needn't be a major sacrifice, just as demonstrating basic good manners isn't a huge sacrifice or compromise for anyone to make.

 

One of your challenges is to accept that people's manners will sometimes slip - and that that isn't something for you to internalise (eg "if a person is rude to me, it means I'm not worthy"). You aren't defined by the way other people behave towards you. The more you realise that, the easier it might become to shrug off behaviour or comments that you don't like.

 

Anyway I'm a successful commercial real estate agent, drive a new Audi, have a nice apartment... I have NOTHING to complain about.

 

The fact that you do your job well indicates that you have a talent that can be commercially exploited. That talent is part of you. The things you buy with the proceeds of that talent are products of other people's talents. There's absolutely nothing wrong with owning nice things that make life easier, more comfortable and more fun. But it might be a little oppressive to your psyche and your self confidence to define yourself in terms of those things, unless you created them yourself.

 

I think I'm just totally psycho (hence the large amounts of drugs I take).

 

That's obviously a matter to discuss with the medical staff whose care you are under.

 

My main interest and love are animals... I see myself as every animal's mother and just want to take care of them all. I have my two cats that I refer to as my "kids" and I take them every year for santa and easter bunny pictures, take them to the pet store to pick out their own stuff... etc. I guess you could say I'm a little quirky.

 

I love animals too. Like children, they connect very naturally with their environment...and remind us of how happy it makes us feel to be in that state.

 

Me being totally honest here and I don't want it to come out wrong... but when I see someone who doesn't have as much as me but is overflowing with confidence, I would trade them for their life in a second. My best friend who is horribly overweight has more self confidence than me.

 

Losing weight might be difficult for her, but ultimately it's a straightforward process. Eat less, exercise more. She knows how to do it, but so far has chosen not to. The tasks that are involved in developing self esteem are far less clear cut. It's not difficult to understand why you would covet your friend's ability to manage life, and to be happy, regardless of whether she has other people's approval.

 

I know I can't be the best... and when I type out that I want to be the best I sound like a jerk. I don't want to judge other people... I just want my boyfriend to see me as the best there is, even if I'm not.

 

You don't sound like a jerk. Not to me, anyway - and from the responses you've had, not to other people on this thread either. You're just being open about feelings which lots of people have.

 

God this is all probably a jumbled mess. I have been on drugs for my problems for many years but have never really talked to someone. I always tell myself that counselours are just people with problems like everyone else... what gives them the right to try to help other people?

 

What gives them the right? Other people approaching them and saying "can you help me?" I suppose. A counsellor who's never faced a major challenge or problem (either external or in their own thinking/behaviour) might be less equipped to effectively help others face up to and tackle difficulties.

 

Maybe I need to get over it and give it a try.

 

Why not? As someone else said, it's surprising that the medical staff supervising your use of prescription drugs aren't suggesting some counselling. Have they discussed that with you at any point?