Jealousy issues over wife's online flirting w/ co-worker

[Zebolt]

I noticed one day when my wife was on her PC that she would always minimize a chat window when I walked by, and then resume typing and occasionally laughing while I sat back to type on my laptop. After a while I got upset by this and told her as much. She had not used Messenger for about 5 years (which is as long as we have been married) and had just installed it again. I had to walk around in the room a lot because I was working on a paper at the time, and this continuous hiding was ticking me off. When confronted, she said she was talking to a guy who was just a friend, and the reason she didn't want me to see what they were talking about was because she was complaining about me.

 

I thought, fair enough. I would want her to have friends that she can talk to and complain about her husband to. Married people need that outlet, it's natural.

 

But something about how she said it raised some suspicions that just would not die. When she told me that, she didn't meet my eyes. And, I don't know...it just didn't feel right.

 

After some time of this gnawing on me, I decided to break some ground rules. I used to work with networks, so it was not particularly difficult for me to break into her messenger. She had some suggestive avatars, the worst being a close up of her breast.

 

It was confrontation time again. She broke into tears and admitted that she had been "flirting online" with a guy from work. She said it was "stupid" and that she has no feelings for the guy, that it had just been "fantasy" and she had convinced herself that it was "harmless." She said the guy was just a friend. She said nothing has ever happened between them in real life or on the phone or even online, aside from the bit of flirting.

 

I told her that you don't show parts of your body to a "just a friend" of the opposite sex and joke with them online. It is unacceptable to me, and I told her I wanted her to stop communicating with him, period. As far as I was concerned, whatever friendship there had been, was finished. She agreed to cease contact. It would be easy anyway, she said, because the guy was quitting his job and would no longer work at the same place as her.

 

I felt awful about having broken into her messenger, however. At work, I used to hear women talking about how they spied on their husbands phone calls or text messages, or how their spouses did that to them, and I would think to myself, "how can they do that? how can they stay together with all that mistrust?" Now I knew. I had always thought poorly of that behaviour, and now I was no better. A sobering realization.

 

It was around this time, after she had agreed to cut him out of her life, that she had found this site with all kinds of funny and humorous t-shirts. She ordered one of them, which we both got a kick out of. Basically it's a suggestive t-shirt that both looks completely harmless, and at the same time suggests that the person wearing it loves to give head. She wore it when we went out with friends a few times and it was all good fun.

 

However, after the whole chat thing I had a lot of trust issues with her, while she seemed to bounce back more quickly from the whole experience. One night I said I was still dealing with the whole thing and wanted to talk. I asked her if she had had any contact with the guy since she promised not to. She admitted that she had emailed him and told him about the t-shirt.

 

You could say I was livid. The way I saw it, there should be no pressing need for her to inform this guy, with whom she had flirted online and shown her tit to, of her buying a t-shirt that suggests she loves to give head. Especially not since she had promised not to have any contact with him. I asked her once again about the nature of their relationship. I told her that I had looked up her phone records and noticed that she had placed calls to him that were almost an hour and a half long at a time. Sometimes at 1 or 2 am. She maintained they just talked about life, and work.

 

She said that night that beyond that email about her new t-shirt she had not and would not contact him or communicate with him in any way.

 

Later the next day, in the evening, I was feeling particularly down about the whole thing, and just felt like something in life was not in its place. Know that feeling? You can't place it, but you feel it.

 

By this time breaking into things that weren't any of my business had become rather easy for me, from an ethical standpoint, since every time I did I found evidence as to being bull****ted. I broke into her email, and even though she always deletes incoming and outgoing mail (she had told me as much) there was an email response from this guy. He was responding to an email she had sent to him that morning, just mere hours after our row and having promised me there would be no more contact. She had emailed him and all she said in the email was that I can see her incoming and outgoing calls.

 

That was it for me. Far be it to say that my trust-breaking and email-hacking behaviour should be considered "a OK," but I was getting pretty damn tired of getting validated every time for doing so, by what I discovered. I walked into the bedroom and she woke up as I started moving into the guest bedroom. I yelled, I slammed doors. That was so unlike me. I don't think I had ever raised my voice before in the five years we have been married. I am not passive in bed, but I tend to get very composed when arguing. That no longer applied.

 

She admitted that she was still in touch with him. She said she had felt that my ultimatum, my telling her to cut off all contact with him was unreasonable because the guy is her "friend." She said she had been annoyed at me for demanding it. I told her exactly why I felt that way, and she did not contradict that I was right in my reasoning for wanting her to cease all contact with him.

 

I asked her why she had carried on with the communication, and why she had told him about the dick-sucking shirt in the first place - why would he need to know about it? All she could say was that she had "been stupid," but that was the same line I had heard the very first time we had had a row about this guy. First time, it's stupidity. Maybe even the second time. But she had lied again, and again, and stupidity was no longer a valid excuse coming from a girl who has a college degree with honors.

 

She seemed visibly shaken by my moving into the guest room, and she was very apologetic. She reiterated that nothing had ever happened between them and that there was no romantic interest whatsoever. Somedays I believe it. Somedays I don't.

 

I explained to her that her repetitious lying is eroding this relationship (and I am sure my breaking into her email etc is doing something similar, for my part, I don't pretend to be without fault or flaw here) and that if she does not respect me or our marriage more than this then there is little hope for us.

 

I moved back into our bedroom that night. This was a few days back. We haven't slept together since though. I haven't initiated it, to be honest I just don't feel like it.

 

We have talked very frankly about our life and she is very committed to me and our marriage. I'm not really seeking suggestions like "marriage counseling" and whatnot because I am already looking into that possibility. I also don't need to be told that I should just leave her - I love her like mad, and I want to work this out. People do worse things than show a tit online and flirt with a co-worker. As least, as far as I know, and I have to believe that she is telling the truth, she never ****ed him or anything.

 

But what I do need your advice with is my jealousy. I am having a very hard time with believing her and trusting her now. I need to learn how to deal with these feelings or else they will hinder any progress we hope to make together. Sometimes I feel like making crazy demands like I have to be able to look into her email or her phone whenever I want to, etc. I have not done this though because I don't feel that, while it may be justified in some ways, I don't think it would be at all constructive.

 

There is just all this anger and bitterness and mistrust inside me now. I want to ask her more questions about what she said, what he said, how did she say it, how did he say it, blah blah... stupid **** that doesn't really help anything, and how would I know she was telling the truth anyway, after so many bold-faced lies?

 

One moment I want to kiss her and hold her, because I do love her, very much. And the next I am just fulfilled with disappointment, anger, frustration. And my biggest problem right now is, that everything she says, I wonder if she really means it, if it really is the truth, or another bull**** lie.

 

Sorry this was so long.

[theobserver]

Just a friend Just a friend eh. Look I'm sure you've read a lot around on this forum. We've all seen this story and situation so many times. Look she lied to you once about talking to a friend then it turned out it was a co-worker with flirting and sharing images in the avatars. Then you ask her to cease contact as it is a threat to the relationship. It's not an easy thing to do but if a partner doesn't care they'll try and they'll report any contact that is made or is about to be made and not keep it hush until interrogated.

 

So ding she liked a second time by contacting him, and also you later found out she's been calling up for 1hr conversations "on life" yeah right yawn. You may love her but she's so head deep into an emotional affair that she's now blinded by her actions. Believe me this guy is loving it and will take any chance to get in her pants all it takes is one bad fight between you too and a "drive to clear her head" and she will go into his arms if not already he's waiting for that Green light.

 

If this guys married, find out his wifes/gfs details inform her of these conversations and calls I'm sure she's just as uncomfortable if he's single then he should have some respect.

 

Ask her if you can meet him if she refuses you're in trouble infact you already are in trouble. She's telling your problems to a guy (so she says who knows what else they talk about) he now knows all the right things to say and what to avoid to attract her further.

 

I'm sorry to say your marriage is about to go to **** unless you man-up we're going to see you here in 2months with a post such as "she's slept with her co-worker or how do I forgive my wife that's cheated"

 

We only live once do you really want to continue a marriage with a wife that continues to lie and twist the truth? I know you didn't want someone to say leave her but make it an option the days are numbered until she cheats if not already. You need to talk to her today right now.

 

Tell her this behaviour has to stop, that she needs to cease communication with this man as it is killing your marriage, and that doesn't mean agreeing and then trying to cover up contact better from you. If she can't do that then divorce is on the horizon. This is not a banter between friends, you don't go out of your way to tell a friend something like a stupid sexual t-shirt with the one person your husband asked you not to speak to unless you're trying to hint something to him.

 

I'm going to bet she's out of love with you. Are you working late, don't go on dates anymore? It's always the same sigh.

 

Good Luck, whatever you do.

Don't be a sucker for punishment. I would of personally started talking about divorce the second I knew she went out of her way to let him know about the shirt and the 1hr+ numerous phonecalls.

[Keridan]

his is a hard problem to deal with. Trust is absolutely vital in a marriage. When it's lost, everything goes to hell. Every statement is buried in suspicion and distrust. I respect you confronting her and demanding she break it off. You had every right to make that demand.

 

I can tell you want to work on things and love your wife or you would have already run. Have you talked about marriage counseling? To rebuild trust after something like this, you are going to need some help. Time is important, too.

 

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I would guess it hurts every bit as much as actual cheating. It's the broken trust and betrayal that hurts far more than the actions. Don't get mad at yourself for wanting to check on her and having trust issues. That's normal.

 

I wish you the best. I also wish I could be more help.

[Rooster_DAR]

Save yourself the pain and dump her now. This is a very good sign of a bad woman.

[Bryanp]

If you had a secret relationship with another woman and sent her a picture of your Dick, how do you think your wife would be acting? She constantly lies to you about contacting him. Her actions are sexually suggestive sending a picture of her breast etc.

 

She clearly has no problems lying to your face about contact with this other man. She sees how it hurts you yet she continues to do these things behind your back. My guess is that you may not have the full story. She lies to you about emailing him then why would she not lie to you about possibly meeting him? Her actions are totally unacceptable to you and highly disrespectful and humiliating as well. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Enough is enough!

[Stockalone]

I am terribly sorry that you are in this situation. You should read some of the threads here that are dealing with emotional affairs. I think counselling would be good in your situation and you are already looking into it. A professional should be able to give you some ideas on how to deal with this situation in a way that works for you.

 

Given the circumstances, I think that your reaction is absolutely normal. I get jealous faster than the average guy, but I have also read your first thread and I think you are more than justified to have those feelings.

 

Were you able to reach a compromise with your wife or is she still going out drinking with her co-workers a lot?

 

Personally, I wouldn't feel too bad about the spying. If she lied to you, there basically was no other option to find out the truth. Unfortunately, I think you only know a fraction of what has been going on and that is a huge contributing factor for your uneasy feelings.

 

 

Let me get this straight:

 

Your wife used to go drinking multiple times a week with her co-workers without you (granted, you didn't want to go, but she still decided to go on her own instead of spending evenings with you) and came home very late. Is this still the case?

 

Your wife hides contact with a male co-worker from you. She deletes in- and outgoing emails. Was that co-worker one of the guys your wife was partying with? Are you sure he no longer works with her?

 

She flirts with this guy and talks about your marriage problems with him. That is the same guy she had shown a picture of her breasts and the same guy whose friendship she has been hiding from you. That is wrong on so many levels.

 

After you become aware of all this inappropriate behaviour, she lies to you, goes behind your back and keeps talking to the guy and informs him that you are now aware of this and that you can monitor her e-mails and her call sheets. Basically she is telling him to be careful with what he says and thus is more or less implying that he needs to find other ways of contacting her.

 

Then, after you found out that she lied to you again, she says that you were unreasonable to give her an ultimatum and to tell her to no longer speak to that guy. That you are wrong, because he is just a friend. That is completely insane. I'd say that you are more than reasonable to ask her to stop talking to him. Actually, I think as her husband, you have the right to demand it.

 

Her relationship with this guy is way beyond a mere friendship. If she can't or simply won't agree with this, she needs a reality check and professional help.

 

My jealousy would have gotten the best of me a long time ago if I had been in your situation. I think you have been more than understanding and have shown a lot of patience, but that can only go so far. And in your case, those feelings do not come from imagining stuff that isn't there or overreacting because of a misunderstanding. You are only reacting to the mess she created and there is nothing wrong with you. And I agree that your wife's behaviour has been unacceptable. I don't think anyone with some common sense will dispute that.

 

I am afraid that I have not much advice on how to get rid of those feelings. To be honest, I didn't try and I don't think I could, but I am not married.

 

I would say that she needs to make an effort. She needs to show you that she isn't hiding things from you and if you see her do that, I believe that will help you overcome those feelings. I would expect her to want to do her best and not do things that could be seen as suspicious behaviour from your point of view.

 

I also think that you should ask her questions whenever you feel that you need to know things. And she should better be prepared and willing to answer your questions. However, I am not sure if she is not preoccupied. She probably has her own problems to deal with and come to terms with what she did and why she did it.

[mental_traveller]

We have talked very frankly about our life and she is very committed to me and our marriage.

 

That's what she says. You can't go by what she says, since she's a proven liar. Judge people by their actions, not their words. Her actions show she's not committed to you much if at all. She is having an emotional affair and for all you know it may already be physical.

 

Regarding jealousy - you don't "deal with it" because you have perfectly reasonable grounds for being jealous. The way to deal with it is for *her* to never have contact with this guy again. That means no email, no calls, and she has to quit her job or transfer to another office at the very least (if it's a large company that can do that).

 

As for trust - you can't trust her. Any time she says something, it could be a blatant lie. That's why in your shoes I would already be getting divorced. However, you said you don't want that. In which case, IMO you have only two choices:

 

i) complain, nag, and otherwise do nothing effectual. She will end up screwing this guy, or if not him, then someone else later.

 

ii) scare the crap out of her so bad that she realises she'll be divorced and thrown out of the house faster than she can imagine.

 

I would go for ii), the non-pussy option. That means call a divorce lawyer tomorrow, have him draw up papers, and have them waiting on the living room table when she returns from work one day. Then tell her "You have 10 minutes to tell me why I shouldn't divorce you". Then demand *total* cutting off of this guy. If she complains, just ask her to sign the papers to show she's received them, and tell her she'll be moving out in 10 days.

 

Personally I think it's foolish to stay with her. She has demonstrated not only emotional infidelity, she's shown she will hide this unfaithfulness from you, sneak around behind your back, lie to your face, play you for a fool, and otherwise treat your marriage as a joke.

[mental_traveller]

I just checked out your previous thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134426/

 

The signs were there 9 months ago. Sorry buddy but I would lay good odds that your wife has already cheated on you. Hire a PI and dig up the dirt, it will be money well spent. In the meantime, prepare for the worst and get ready to divorce. You may get lucky and find no evidence of physical cheating yet, but I wouldn't count on it.

[Zebolt]

I thank all of you for your frank replies.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to save this marriage, but right now I feel like I can't count on anything she says to be true, at least as far as that guy is concerned.

 

If I knew for a fact that I will always feel this way, I would walk away now.

[nicki]

Oh, I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this pain.

 

I also think you should hire a PI to give you the facts of what is going on.

 

You can't trust anything your wife tells you. You are holding on to hope that your marriage can be saved. I understand. You want to think that she is a good person who will do better when she "understands" this situation better.

 

You want her to do her part, and she simply won't.

 

Stop having faith in her. She has been lying to you. Any info from her is suspect. Maybe getting objective facts from a PI would help you.

 

I've also heard of people going to the Spy Store and buying small voice-activated recording devices which they leave hidden in their spouses car.

 

If you need to check her phone records and computer activity, go ahead. Cheaters don't readily admit anything. You need facts.

 

I also like the idea of the presenting her with divorce papers. She obviously needs a wake up call because she knows she can get away with what she's been doing because there hasn't been any real consequence from you yet.

 

Just remember, if the shoe had been on the other foot, you would have stopped all conversations with a female coworker and not put her through any of this.

[Stockalone]

If I knew for a fact that I will always feel this way, I would walk away now.

 

Some people can let go of those feelings, but you have to want it. Personally, I wouldn't want to let go and forgive. I am too vindictive for that.

 

You know yourself best, so what do you think? Do you think you will get over those feelings if you really try?

 

 

I don't know what I'm going to do. I want to save this marriage, but right now I feel like I can't count on anything she says to be true, at least as far as that guy is concerned.

 

That is a natural reaction when the trust is gone. As I said, I couldn't live in a constant state of paranoia and that is why I wouldn't stay. Did she lie to me again? What else has she been lying about? How long has she been hiding things from me? If I hadn't busted her, would she have ever told me about her affair?

 

I think that you need to come up with a list of things that you need from her in order to trust her again. There is no universal rule to deal with that, it depends on what is important to you and what will work for you.

 

So far, you don't think that she had sex with him. I would need to know if that is true or not, so hiring a PI might not be the worst idea. At least, you would know whether or not she is still in contact with that guy, if she goes to see him. Do you know his name, where he works, what he looks like? That would make it easier for the PI.

 

For myself, I don't think it would make a difference whether it was an EA or a PA, as my pride and hurt ego would be screaming for revenge. But maybe there is a tiny chance that I could deal with a purely EA if I absolutely wanted to salvage a relationship. If I really wanted to give it a try, I would have a long list of things that need to be changed.

 

For example, I would demand that she quits her job as soon as possible and starts making applications for other jobs right now. I would not believe for a second that her friends at work were not aware of her contact with that other co-worker. They probably had a good laugh about you, the party-pooper husband when they were out drinking. None of them had enough of a backbone to tell you what was going on and I would despise those people because of that. And there would be no way in hell that I would let my SO work in such an environment.

 

I would demand that she uninstalls every instant messaging service on her computer. She could also never speak to this guy ever again. She would have to be willing to make her life, her cell phone, her thoughts an open book to me. If she wouldn't want to do that, that would be a deal breaker.

 

Right now, I don't think you can trust her. She's torn, probably still trying to find a reason that would justify to continue the friendship with that guy. I would not believe that she ended it, despite everything she says. It's not like she volunteered information and came to you and confessed. You had to find out everything on your own. And even after you busted her, she kept going behind your back. And you need to make her understand that you mean business. If you are prepared to leave her when she lies to you again, then let her know in no uncertain terms. You need to set very clear boundaries on how she can regain your trust.

 

She needs to be painfully aware that there will be consequences if she ever again abuses your trust. If she doesn't like that, well, that is too bad. She created that mess and now she will have to deal with your reaction to it.

 

I would also go to a lawyer to see what my legal options are. And I would have them prepare divorce papers so everything is ready in case it doesn't work out. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

 

I really hope things will work out for you.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think her need for male validation and them pursuing her gets her rocks off. to a degree where your presence isnt needed and if that's the case what's the point of being married?

 

But if she can stop and get help to figure out why she is so self destructive then you could forgive her, but if she does it more and is straight up disrespectful of your feelings and you, then I advise you to have her served. Especially if you aint got any kids. for any man to put up with that kind of abuse is ridiculous. Dont matyr yourself.

[MichelleS1983]

A CLASSIC sign of an affair is an increased libido and trying 'new' things sexually with one's spouse. In your other thread you mentioned that she's become quite experiemental in bed and has increased her need for sex with you. That does NOT bode well for you at all because that's CLASSIC behavior of one involved in an affair. You actually ask, "where is she learning all this stuff?"

 

Do you honestly not know? Deep down inside, do you HONESTLY not know?

 

The fact that she's acting like a freakin' Lolita with her body parts all over the internet and thinking she's cute and sexy wearing a t-shirt that indicates she likes giving head, very honestly, just makes her look like a completely classless loser. Sorry. I also read about her rather large tattoo - add that to the "classless" pile as well. She sounds like she lives in a trailer park while you sound like an educated, cultured and charactered young man.

 

Wow - what a complete mis-match.

 

You want to hold onto this woman for whatever reasons are your own, and I see nothing but more heartache and grief up the road for you, but you'll have to learn that yourself, I guess.

 

How to 'deal' with the jealousy? I don't know, but a real good place to start dealing with it would be to have your wife rein in her utterly classless behavior, for one. You know, keep the "I love to give to give blow jobs" t-shirts down to a minimum, take away the web cam so she can't be sending naked pictures all over the internet to anyone who'll give her the time of day, and have her curtail her tattoo activity. Nothing says "cheap" like a gal on a barstool knocking back shots with her buddies and sporting tattoos all over her body.

 

You've got your work cut out for you. I actually feel bad for you because this isn't going to end good.