confussed

[raf]

I need some major advice….. I met this guy a year ago at my job. We became really close and share everything with each other including the problems we have with our relationships. Well a bout a month or so we confessed how we feel about each other…. You see we ended up having feelings for each other. I was shocked when he told me how he felt, well I kind of knew since we always use to flirt. Well we kissed and we’ve been kissing everyday here and there.

 

Now the problem we still have our bf and gf in our lives. He tells me that he wants to leave her and eventually wants me to be the one. Its just the I caught him at the weakest point in his life. But, I feel he is telling me the truth…..I did tell him that I didn’t want to be “the other women” forever, and I didn’t want him “the other guy” he reassured me again saying how he can’t imagine dating anyone else. But he provides everything for his gf, from paying for there apartment to the car she drives. And what I can’t understand is why he can’t just say to her the he doesn’t want to be with her anymore, I mean his gf even cheated on him and he just let it go like it was no big deal. But you can tell it did affect him. So why can’t he leave her?

 

As for my problem I live with my bf and our house. But I haven’t singled in years, and I am scared. I want to leave him because we just don’t click anymore…. He drinks a lot, and rather be with his friends. I explained that he needed change his ways, that he was not like that, and he’s tiring but I just don’t think there’s any love there anymore. We’ve been having problems for over 2yrs now. But, he just doesn’t get it. And I’m tired of his the insults that he tells me, he says he’s just playing but he’s hurting my feelings, and I told him….that’s why he says he’s just playing.

 

So I need help, I need an outsiders view….. should I try working things out w/him? Do you think this other guy would actually leave his gf, and what if it doesn’t work out w/him? Or should I just go single?

 

 

Please help any advice would be good advice

[lovestruck818]

But he provides everything for his gf, from paying for there apartment to the car she drives.

 

Is this why you feel you might want to be with him?

[raf]

to lovestruck,

im sorry that is not why I want to be with him. He makes me feel like no one has ever made me feel. I'm a very closed person, and this guy has brought out a side of me that I have never seen. By the way my bf does provide for me, we provide for each other. We dont have money problems.

I said that about his gf because she cheated on a man who does everything for her, and that ment providing for her. According to him, she treats him like dirt.

[couchmonkey]

It sounds like she treats him poorly with the cheating and such. That makes her sound like a terrible person. Wouldn't you agree?

[raf]

couchmonkey,

it does, make her sound like a terriable person.

But, how do i know if its true?

I know when we fist met he was so in love w/her,and she was always on time to pick him up frm work, now she always almost 1hr-1hr 30min late for picking him up frm wrk. And let me remind you that its his car.

I feel bad seeing him waiting.

[couchmonkey]

I wonder what she is doing for that hour-hour and a half. It doesn't sound like she's into him anymore. It sucks that he had to learn the hard way that he can't really count on her. She should have left him before it got this far. You said that you can tell that all of this effects him mentally. He deserves better.

 

Do you think that this will take a toll on his abilities in future relationships? Have you thought how it might effect the two of you?

[raf]

couchmonkey,

I did think about how it could affect us, if we do become an "us".

When he told me that he wanted me to some day become "the one" he did tell me that when he does leave her that he didnt want to jump in a realtionship w/me right away w/me. I told him I didnt either. I want to get to know him outside work, do whole proper dating thing.... we know about each other but I want know him outside of work. He told he thats excatly how he felt.

Im just so lost and confused, and so is he. We both dont really want to hurt our gf,or bf.

But, I know down deep in my heart that its over w/my bf, we dont even have sex, and when we do I feel sick. He hasn't had any in a long time, she doesnt show him affection. Not even when she leaves him for wrk she doesnt even kiss him good-bye. Questionable, dont you think so?

Thank couchmonkey for your help...

[theobserver]

Well.. let's forget the OM for now and he is the OM even if he's only layed emotional baggage on you and you've both hyphothetically talked of being together and how happy it will be lardy-da.

 

Let's focus on your boyfriend, you've asked him to change some of his actions no change you want out. Correct? You're scared of going it alone. Well ask yourseld when is the right time, 2 yrs, 5 yrs 10yrs? The right time is now. If you are no longer IN LOVE with him and are already lusting for another man it's time to go. Sort out new living arrangements and move on it's that simple (I don't know the house situation so perhaps it's not that easy) move in with a friend/family member(s) til you can get your own place or rent.

 

As for the OM, no you have no idea if he's telling the truth of if he's giving you a big sympathy story to eventually get you to take off your panties. If he's paying for everything, and she's treating him so bad and has cheated and he's clearly not over it why is he still with her again? It would seem considering he's paying everything for her he can easily cut that off and move on as he can afford to whatever she does now is her business.

 

Of course maybe this is all bullsh*t, I PERSONALLY just think he want's a guarantee that if he dumps her you'll be ready to take her place. In my opinion that's very sly and lowers your self worth . Merely a way of still havking nookie planned during this troubling transition. I think you should focus less on him and more on starting a new slate in your life by dumping your boyfriend IF you have tried everything, it's very possible once he sees you are serious about leaving he will change but then again I doubt he'd be happy you're having an emotional affair with another man planning a possible future etc.

 

There's no winners in this thread.

[raf]

theobserver,

you may be right maybe he just saying that...but I really dont think so since we had the sex talk. Why is he still with her, he told me that theres somethinkg going on right now, and he can't tell me. He wants to but he can't not yet at least. YES that made me question him, and upset since, YES we share everything.

 

And your right, my bf would like to know that I do have an emotional affair with another man and be planning a possible future with him. Your right I should get up and leave. And I am scared to be alone for the first time in 10yrs. No I dont think showing him that I am serious about leaving if change doesnt happen will work. Tired it alrady. The house is his, we designed it together, the down fall he has parents living here, it feels more like his parents house then ours. And we have dogs who are like our children...so that where my heartache lays, with my dogs.

[couchmonkey]

I'm glad to help.

 

It does sound like your friends current girlfriend had developed distant feelings toward him but instead of breaking ties she cheated. She very well be afraid to be alone and that fear has motivated her to do things that have probably emotionally scarred him, particularly the cheating.

 

As TheObserver pointed out he may be afraid to be alone too. He stayed in this relationship with this unfortunate woman through all of this. Perhaps he was waiting in the familiarity of unhappy coupledom because it was less scary than being alone. Now he's met you and might feel that you are a guarantee even if you guys plan on going on a trial period. I'm not saying that he doesn't like you but that he may not have had the strength to leave her on his own. Now he's cheating on her back. That's not good.

 

I'm not sure if starting a relationship under these circumstances would be the most healthy choice. He might need a lot of time to recover from this and he may develop some commitment/trust issues.

[raf]

wow!

what great advice, frm you and theobserver.

 

your right, he could have realtionship issues later on.

And I never talked to him about that before.

However we did talk about the whole cheating thing, that is why he keeps telling me that he does want me to be "the one". He also said that I was way too good to use to just get back on her.

[Keridan]

Raf,

 

Break up with yer boy. Start there. Get the heck outta that situation. You no longer love him and you aren't doing him any favors with your current situation. He doesn't make you happy, you aren't as committed to him as you should be. Get the courage and break free.

 

The other boy will have to wait till that's settled. The two situations have to be separate. If you use him as your reason to get out, it will always hang over the relationship. He has his own issues to work out anyway. You can get around to him later, but you can't end your current relationship for him.

 

If my wife felt the way you do about your boyfriend, I would hope she would drop me before she even considered being with someone else. That aside, if I refused to work with her on something I did that upset her, I would also expect to be dumped.

 

Honestly, I'm not a fan of an emotional affair. That's what you are having. But I am doing my best to give unbiased advice. Take it or ignore it as you please, but I thought I'd try. I do wish you the best.

[couchmonkey]

Can you tell us more about this statement?

 

However we did talk about the whole cheating thing, that is why he keeps telling me that he does want me to be "the one".

 

Can you tell us how the two bolded statements relate to each other for you and your friend?

 

 

Can you also tell us more about your current boyfriend? Are you upset with him? If you were going to try to evaluate him fairly how would you describe him?