Wife's been cheating for 1/4 of our marriage

[bimmyboy]

And so follows is my sitch,

 

Last week I found out my wife had been cheating on me, I read her text messages online, I was working out of town at the time. I came back to the city and confronted her. She was cold, she said "I'm not happy with this relationship" and that "This relationship is over" When I told her I agreed she started to cry and inform me that she couldn't survive without me (financially) and that she didn't know what to do. Anyways, a little back story...

 

I've been married to my wife for little over a year, together for 3, we have a 18 month old son. Over the course of our relationship we have moved twice and I have changed careers twice. Not that we are unstable we do quite well financially and the last move was to the general area where my wife grew up. The purpose of the move was to open a new business. It was my idea and my business, my wife was initially opposed as she was aware of the time that I would need to dedicate to it to make it successful; however, she said she would be supportive and she wanted the material things the money from the business would provide.

 

Going through phone records she started talking to this guy on the phone about a month after we had moved and they started meeting for drinks, coffee, taking my son to the park, while I worked 12 hrs a day to make the business successful. She had usd to date this guy when she was 15 or 16, she's 23 now. She had been in contact with him before we were married and it seemed pretty platonic. They met when she was visiting family a couple of times over the past year, before we even moved. She never mentioned him to me once. It's pretty obvious from her facebook messages with him that she cultivated this relationship with him and he felt guilty about being involved with a married woman.

 

There's obviously a lot more to this but to sum it up when I confronted her she was more concerned about not being able to survive financially and I was disgusted with her. I left the city and moved back to where we came from before. Since then I've told her I want a divorce. She never said she wanted to reconcile. She said she didn't know if she wanted to be with this guy or be by herself or with me. The problem is that I do love her as horrible as she has made me feel over the last 5 or 6 months of our relationship. And I'm afraid that if she wants to reconcile that I will, I mean we have a son and I love her but I don't think I could ever forgive her or trust her again. I mean we've only been married for a year and she's had an affair for a quarter of it. I think I should move on settle everthing and share custody of my son but I'm rambling now and I just needed to vent. Objective insight would be helpful

 

Thx

[Davey McG]

I'm sorry to read of your situation

 

You need to protect yourself and the first thing you should do is get a parternity test. Not that this new guy is the dad but if she's doing it now she may have done it before.

 

You marriage is sh**. She's done this in a year, just imagine what's going to happen over the next 20. It will repeat. You're still very young and you still have time to get out of this destructive relationship. Live your life and don't let her waste anymore of it.

[Billie63]

Without excusing her behaviour, maybe the two of you can work it out?

 

She is young,

she has a young child,

she's had the upheaval of moving

She's probably lonely

You work 12 hours a day (albeit for the three of you)

 

Because of her youth I wonder if maybe you two should be talking more about what made her do it? I certainly don't think you should be forgiving her right now, but, if she still loves you, maybe there is hope for the two of you?

 

But she would have a lot of making up to do.

[bish]

And so follows is my sitch,

 

Last week I found out my wife had been cheating on me, I read her text messages online, I was working out of town at the time. I came back to the city and confronted her. She was cold, she said "I'm not happy with this relationship" and that "This relationship is over" When I told her I agreed she started to cry and inform me that she couldn't survive without me (financially) and that she didn't know what to do.

 

Oh no. Don't let her pull that line of bull on you. She told you the R was over and she was cold to you.

 

 

Going through phone records she started talking to this guy on the phone about a month after we had moved and they started meeting for drinks, coffee, taking my son to the park, while I worked 12 hrs a day to make the business successful. She had usd to date this guy when she was 15 or 16, she's 23 now. She had been in contact with him before we were married and it seemed pretty platonic. They met when she was visiting family a couple of times over the past year, before we even moved. She never mentioned him to me once. It's pretty obvious from her facebook messages with him that she cultivated this relationship with him and he felt guilty about being involved with a married woman.

 

Ya, not guilty enough.

 

 

There's obviously a lot more to this but to sum it up when I confronted her she was more concerned about not being able to survive financially and I was disgusted with her.

 

I left the city and moved back to where we came from before. Since then I've told her I want a divorce. She never said she wanted to reconcile. She said she didn't know if she wanted to be with this guy or be by herself or with me. The problem is that I do love her as horrible as she has made me feel over the last 5 or 6 months of our relationship.

 

You need to ditch those feelings my man.

 

 

And I'm afraid that if she wants to reconcile that I will, I mean we have a son and I love her but I don't think I could ever forgive her or trust her again.

 

You can't and won't ever trust her again. Not 100% anyway. There will always be a part of you that doesn't trust her, and for good reason.

 

 

I mean we've only been married for a year and she's had an affair for a quarter of it.

 

If she cheated this soon, what do you think will happen when the REAL 7 year itch kicks in with her? She WILL cheat again. No doubt about it.

She only cares about money.

 

 

I think I should move on settle everthing and share custody of my son but I'm rambling now and I just needed to vent. Objective insight would be helpful

 

Thx

 

I think this last statement above is the way to do. Move on, get rid of her. Let this other man provide for her and get on with your life. You deserve better.

 

What is it about hard working men that do whatever it is they have to do to make sure their family is well taken care of, and end up with women that don't appreciate a good man?

 

Seems like the guys with no ambition or desire to really bust his butt to support a family are the ones the seem to be able to lure these weak women into bed.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Forgiving??!!?1 Billie?!

 

What? The F!!!

 

This woman apparently is so selfish and spoiled she doesnt think about anyone of herself, her husband leaves her is not for her marriage or the son they have together but how is she gonna financially support herself??

 

Again! WTF?

 

Also as a sore point I would ask for a DNA test before this is all over she cheated from the begining of your marriage? who knows what else she has been doing.

 

I think the best thing since you already left is to keep it moving. let her support herself, matter of fact let the OM support her from now on. she was so unhappy with you then, well she can be unhappy with the fact you aint supporting her ass.

 

When you get married you make sacrifises, your youth and freedom to be single to combine into one unit. But if your just being a fraud of being married while running the streets ho'in around. then let her see what' the real world is like without you.

 

I wouldnt go back to her. cheating before the marriage? Hell no, the relationship would so be DOA!

[Owl]

This happened WAY WAY early in the marriage. Duing the "honeymoon phase".

 

If she can cheat now, when the "glow" should still be pretty bright and things should be at their best...what's going to happen later when things REALLY get painful? When the second or third child comes along, the bills are piling up, and you're REALLY struggling?

[whichwayisup]

If she is willing to do marriage counselling and work on herself by doing counselling on her own, then maybe for the sake of your child, you both need to try to fix this, BUT, since she seems not too sure what she wants - Maybe getting a divorce, sharing custody and being two loving and supportive co-parents separately might be better.

 

I do feel for you and sorry that you're in alot of pain.

[LakesideDream]

Red Flags.... 4th of July Fireworks... This sounds like exactly what happened to me... except I didn't know it. My ex cheated for 80% plus of our 25 year marriage with her High School boyfriend (the guy before me). Even the "new business" and working 12 hours a day rang a bell.

 

Had I found out early like you have I would have simply called my lawyer, and made the appropriate moves. Bye, bye.

 

Sure you love her... you married her a year ago! Some honeymoon you guys have.. or rather she's had. Two guys.. she's a mover.

[Billie63]

I am trying to work out if there is anything salvagable to this relationship - and I ask that because the woman in question is very young - 23, she had her first child at 20.

 

I certainly don't believe bimmyboy should be begging her back or anything but he has stated on this board that he still loves her.

 

If he wants to be with her there might be a way of patching things up.

 

Someone said something about honeymoon period? Well, you can't put a time limit on the HP. We're all different - some couples are still in their HP after five years.

 

Having a child young tends to fast forward the HP in my experience. The HP has been and gone for this couple.

 

I think it would be tough for them to make it work but with a young child involved, is it not worth an attempt?

[theobserver]

Nope. Son or not (if he's even yours although I'm sure you accept him as your own) this woman has humiliated you , and taken you for a fool and she's still got your heart on a string at your expense. There's only one thing she loves about you buddy and that's your money. The only reason she even mentioned you as a possible option in her future is because she realises you are weak, you haven't moved on in her eyes (no new partner) so you must be lusting for her. I bet you still say you love her if you happen to call her etc she's going to play on this.

 

Man-up. Things happen for a reason you've been given a chance you're free. Focus on wanting the divorce, at the moment she's probably relaxing probably because she's realising she's going to be snatching a good amount of your assets. Seek a good lawyer. Do you really want to take this skank back only to find out 2 yrs later she's at it again.

 

Think.

Don't worry about your son, you will always love him and in the future he will understand but do not go back to a woman you can never trust again you will regret it.

 

Enjoy your new life.

[Darth Vader]

Protect your assets, get DNA testing done, DON'T pay her for her having an affair/s!

[bimmyboy]

Hey everybody,

 

Thanks for all the views and advice. Just to clarify a couple things. To the best of my knowledge she wasn't cheating before we got marred; however, I am going to seek a paterinty test to be sure. My lawyer has basically advised me that I'm ****ed. HA. Because of the move and everything there is no way for me to move back to my home town and have her come unless I entice her into doing so by lying or manipulation. My other option is to stay in this city where all this **** has happened to me and my now failed business - due to wifey - and be able to be a daily part of my sons life, with some **** job. Not appealing.

 

I'm going crazy trying to balance the needs of my son and my own personal needs. I can't see livng 1200km away from him being a good thing and flying back and forth once a month is gonna break me. I spoke to her tonight for the first real conversation about why this happened and she seemed really sincere. It appears that she doesn't want to be with me because she wants her independence and wants to be happy as person before she enters into another relationship. I know if I do make an effort to reconcile that I would be taking a huge and probably foolish risk. I know I'm not really to blame for the sitch but I do feel that I probably contributed to it I mean some days it was 12 hrs some days it was 16 hrs I was working. I'm not trying to give her an excuse and our relationship was ****ty before due to lack of communication, withdrawl and what not

 

All the lawyers I've talked to at this point say that she is just too inmature to be married at this time. I don't think that she actually realizes the seriousness of her actions and how absolutely devasting it is. This makes me think if she doesn't know this how emotional ****ed is she? Chew on that guys. Thx

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey everybody,

 

Thanks for all the views and advice. Just to clarify a couple things. To the best of my knowledge she wasn't cheating before we got marred; however, I am going to seek a paterinty test to be sure. My lawyer has basically advised me that I'm ****ed. HA. Because of the move and everything there is no way for me to move back to my home town and have her come unless I entice her into doing so by lying or manipulation. My other option is to stay in this city where all this **** has happened to me and my now failed business - due to wifey - and be able to be a daily part of my sons life, with some **** job. Not appealing.

 

I'm going crazy trying to balance the needs of my son and my own personal needs. I can't see livng 1200km away from him being a good thing and flying back and forth once a month is gonna break me. I spoke to her tonight for the first real conversation about why this happened and she seemed really sincere. It appears that she doesn't want to be with me because she wants her independence and wants to be happy as person before she enters into another relationship. I know if I do make an effort to reconcile that I would be taking a huge and probably foolish risk. I know I'm not really to blame for the sitch but I do feel that I probably contributed to it I mean some days it was 12 hrs some days it was 16 hrs I was working. I'm not trying to give her an excuse and our relationship was ****ty before due to lack of communication, withdrawl and what not

 

All the lawyers I've talked to at this point say that she is just too inmature to be married at this time. I don't think that she actually realizes the seriousness of her actions and how absolutely devasting it is. This makes me think if she doesn't know this how emotional ****ed is she? Chew on that guys. Thx

 

Ohhh so she wants to be a single mother by choice!!! nice idea, great idea!

 

The best thing is to get that paternity trest, keep it moving and do not reconsile!!!! She wants her freedom, then no child support or alimony let her take care of herself!

[stillafool]

Your wife had a baby too soon and got married too soon. Now she wants to act like a young, single woman and she is not. She like you decided to have a baby and get married young and you have kept your end of the bargain but she is not. She sounds really spoiled and self-absorbed. If she is cheating already it is only going to get worse. I don't think this has anything to do with her age as I know plenty of young wives and mothers who are trying to do the right thing. It seems clear to me the only thing she seems to need you for is "money". Tell her to grow the **** up and get a job.

[Kenyth]

Your wife had a baby too soon and got married too soon. Now she wants to act like a young, single woman and she is not. She like you decided to have a baby and get married young and you have kept your end of the bargain but she is not. She sounds really spoiled and self-absorbed. If she is cheating already it is only going to get worse. I don't think this has anything to do with her age as I know plenty of young wives and mothers who are trying to do the right thing. It seems clear to me the only thing she seems to need you for is "money". Tell her to grow the **** up and get a job.

 

 

I agree with this. You'd be surprised and sickened by how often this exact scenario happens. The problems is, the girl wants someone to take care of her while she plays, not a husband and family. Somehow, they get the two concepts screwed up.

[LakesideDream]

Hey everybody,

 

Thanks for all the views and advice. Just to clarify a couple things. To the best of my knowledge she wasn't cheating before we got marred; however, I am going to seek a paterinty test to be sure. My lawyer has basically advised me that I'm ****ed. HA. Because of the move and everything there is no way for me to move back to my home town and have her come unless I entice her into doing so by lying or manipulation. My other option is to stay in this city where all this **** has happened to me and my now failed business - due to wifey - and be able to be a daily part of my sons life, with some **** job. Not appealing.

 

I'm going crazy trying to balance the needs of my son and my own personal needs. I can't see livng 1200km away from him being a good thing and flying back and forth once a month is gonna break me. I spoke to her tonight for the first real conversation about why this happened and she seemed really sincere. It appears that she doesn't want to be with me because she wants her independence and wants to be happy as person before she enters into another relationship. I know if I do make an effort to reconcile that I would be taking a huge and probably foolish risk. I know I'm not really to blame for the sitch but I do feel that I probably contributed to it I mean some days it was 12 hrs some days it was 16 hrs I was working. I'm not trying to give her an excuse and our relationship was ****ty before due to lack of communication, withdrawl and what not

 

All the lawyers I've talked to at this point say that she is just too inmature to be married at this time. I don't think that she actually realizes the seriousness of her actions and how absolutely devasting it is. This makes me think if she doesn't know this how emotional ****ed is she? Chew on that guys. Thx

 

 

 

Bimmy, don't "take responsibility" for working hard, and long hours. That's what a responsible man does early in a marriage. It's called building for the future, when you are physically able to do it.

 

Many marriages fail early. Some because of serious financial issues. Working to better your family, when you are both young is a good thing.

[Darth Vader]

Bimmy, it sounds like your Lawyer isn't a good one! Get a men's rights Lawyer and get this woman away from you! Otherwise, you'll be paying for the rest of your life for your STBXW's inmaturity!

[bimmyboy]

Well kind posters, this is gonna be a short kinda intro to the last year but here goes. Got back together with my wife, moved back to our original home. Tried to make things work. Went to counciling every other week. Things were pretty distant and I did EVERYTHING. Not just everything emotionally I could but I did all the housework all the household everything. All she did was work. Annnnd so she started ****ing her new boss. In May. I found out the same way I did before (txt messages, what an idiot) If I didn't find out that way I would have had no inkling and she would have just had things go on that way for god knows how long. Anyways..... I filed for divorce, she moved out and is partying and living the life she wanted. Our son spends a week with me, a week with her. It's been a month since she's moved out. I've been really decent about this I think. Didn't freak out and go nuts, helped her move out, make sure she was set up ok. My issue now is a few fold. First off, she treats out son like an accessory. She doesn't put his well being first. If she has him and there is a party to go to she will take him, if she's going to go see some guy she's ****ing she'll take him. Our son is 2 1/2 and I'm obviously concerned about the reprecussions on him as this is still a very new situation for him that he has to adapt to.

 

Now if that isn't bad enough (and yes I know it could be way way way worse, but this bad for me) I've got this crazy PTSD going on about her and her cheating and lying. An impossible financial situation, work, family, absolutely no social life or friends that live in the same town as me as I basically sacrificed everything to make my marriage work. So what the hell should I do? I feel like I'm totally ****ed here. I'm like one meltdown away from the looney bin.

 

I don't think I can do the single father thing and I can't in good conscience let him spend the majority of his time with her..... agghhhhhh

 

Suggestions welcomed

 

Cheers

 

J

[Chrome Barracuda]

Then you fight with everything you got!

 

You go for sole physical custody, you get the best divorce father's right attourney in town! you make new friends and get a life!

 

Focus because your son is worth it and who knows what these men she's ****ing is doing? they could be rapists and child molesters. What mother takes their kids to the house of the men they are banging? what if there's a fire, if you can get proof of that you might have a chance especially if your in a fault state.

 

You cannot be fair with cheaters, you have to take the hard line and don't give her an inch to breathe. I bet you in the end she wont even care for her son and give him to you anyways.

 

You fight until you have nothing else. I wish more men stood up against evil like this in the world our children would be better off. She's placing your kid in harms' way. You need to fight for what's right.

[lovelorcet]

You know what? I think you CAN do the single father thing. I think in your heart you know you want to put the well being of your son ahead everything else.

 

You have a mountain of stress to deal with at the moment but don't let it overwhelm you. Break it down into smaller problems that you are about to confront and deal with.

 

Try to work towards stabilizing your finances and taking care of your son. Forget your wife... concentrating on her is just a waste of energy...

[seibert253]

Then you fight with everything you got!

 

You go for sole physical custody, you get the best divorce father's right attourney in town! you make new friends and get a life!

 

Focus because your son is worth it and who knows what these men she's ****ing is doing? they could be rapists and child molesters. What mother takes their kids to the house of the men they are banging? what if there's a fire, if you can get proof of that you might have a chance especially if your in a fault state.

 

You cannot be fair with cheaters, you have to take the hard line and don't give her an inch to breathe. I bet you in the end she wont even care for her son and give him to you anyways.

 

You fight until you have nothing else. I wish more men stood up against evil like this in the world our children would be better off. She's placing your kid in harms' way. You need to fight for what's right.

 

The Cuda's dead on. Fight for your child, fight for yourself. You deserve much better. Don't settle for any lawyer, shop arround. Like any other profession, there are good ones and bad ones. You need a pitbull in your corner. I can tell you this from experience, she's young, she's immature, if you R with her, she WILL do this again.

Pull the curtains, close the shades, this party's over.

[lostsunsets]

Tell me that you've separated bank accounts and cut her off. I am sorry for your son. But you are a paycheck to her. She needs to live the life of a destitute single mom, b4 she can appreciate what she had. She is an idiot. Unemployment is going to double digits. Tell her to "repeat after me. Would you like fries with that".

[jnj express]

Go for full custody---show her as an immature, unfit mother, with the divorce you will cut her loose, and you can move on---do not allow them to make you pay any alimony---she strayed with every tom, dick, and harry in town, and make sure the court knows it---Cut your ties from her, and take your time and when ready you will find a nice woman who you can love and be with---don't let this immature cheater ruin in for all the other women, there are plenty of great women out there that are your age, that are looking for the right partner----good luck with your life

[mark982]

if she's taking the baby to parties with her,i'd hire a pi to follow her. judge sees her parting with a baby in tow,he will flip out.

[Dexter Morgan]

get out of this marriage while the getting is good. You have only been married a year. Therefore you haven't accumulated much of anything in the way of marital assets that she can take away from you. She isn't entitled to anything that you had, money or otherwise, that you brought into the marriage.

 

I'd get ALL your bank acount balances, retirement balances, or any other financial records you have that show what was in them the DAY BEFORE you got married. THAT is money she isn't entitled to.

 

And if she doesn't want shared custody, because I'm willing to bet she is going to want the child support money, the she will go for being the custodial parent. And she will get it if she wants it. men get the shaft.

 

However, the fact that she said she couldn't make it financially may be the ONLY thing you can use to prove that your child won't be taken care of properly. So tell your attorney what she said and see what he/she thinks. It may be your only chance at custody. Because being a cheater doesn't come into play with regards to anything in the divorce....it should, but it doesn't.

 

and if you decide to keep her, for whatever gawd awful reason, then WHEN she does it again and it is some years down the road and you decide later to get a divorce, she'll have her hooks into you for alot more then.

 

good luck my man, keep us posted.