Fun with labels

[LuminousZ]

I'm hoping to someone can share some wisdom on how to solve a problem with out categorizing.

 

I am just filled with disappointment at the moment..,

 

My problem is one that will not go away, but something has gotta give.

 

I've expressed how unflattering her refusal to let go of her past is to me only to be labeled controlling or dismissed as overly sensitive.

 

Since I learned she has been contacting her Ex again, every statement she makes is now blurred by mistust.

 

I've considered letting them know how uncomfortable they're constant contact is making me feel by sending the Ex an anonymous text: "you should ask Michele how her current husband is treating her"

 

because I've been distant lately and he tried to play the role of hero by sugggesting I may become violent with her when I last told him "Don't go away mad, just go away".

 

Of course I expect them to figure out who the anonymous texter is, the goal is to create an equally uncomfortable conversation for them and let the Ex know he is the problem.

 

Will the label change after this event?

 

Is there a better way to get my point across?

[Amiss]

I don't think the ex is the problem, your partner is. Why start contacting exes? Unless she has a good reason to contact them, why do it? You are her husband! It isn't controlling behaviour to wonder why a spouse has recently started to contact an ex , it is common sense.

 

Try talking to her rather than her ex via anonymous text messages , only she has the answers that you seek.

[Javelin]

I've expressed how unflattering her refusal to let go of her past is to me only to be labeled controlling or dismissed as overly sensitive.

 

It's only common for the guilty to play the controlling card and you've fallen victim because you care so much.

 

Allow me point out the most important part, that you are missing..

 

She is YOUR wife, not his and whatever business that goes on under your roof is between you and her, not anyone else. That said, at this stage in your relationship (marriage), she has not a single reason to contact him, unless they have a child or some other issue that legally forces their communication.

 

If you two are having problems and she just all of a sudden contacts him, be forewarned.. She may not be the person you thought she was when you married her.

 

Anyone, If you are upset with her contacting him, then you need to enforce it or kick her to the curb. She's just blowing off your feelings and emotions like they're nothing and giving you bullsh*t excuses as to why she has the right to contact him. I bet if the tables were turned, she wouldn't put up with you contacting an ex-girlfriend/wife, now would she?

 

Stand up for yourself my friend. The longer you let the contact happen, the longer it will.

[LuminousZ]

I don't think the ex is the problem, your partner is. Why start contacting exes? Unless she has a good reason to contact them, why do it? You are her husband! It isn't controlling behaviour to wonder why a spouse has recently started to contact an ex , it is common sense.

 

Try talking to her rather than her ex via anonymous text messages , only she has the answers that you seek.

 

Thank you Amiss for the advice, I spoke to her first thing this morning.

 

I asked her how it makes her feel to lie to her current husband.., she responded, "not good", but fell short of any resemblance of an apology.

 

 

 

It's only common for the guilty to play the controlling card and you've fallen victim because you care so much.

 

Allow me point out the most important part, that you are missing..

 

She is YOUR wife, not his and whatever business that goes on under your roof is between you and her, not anyone else. That said, at this stage in your relationship (marriage), she has not a single reason to contact him, unless they have a child or some other issue that legally forces their communication.

 

If you two are having problems and she just all of a sudden contacts him, be forewarned.. She may not be the person you thought she was when you married her.

 

Anyone, If you are upset with her contacting him, then you need to enforce it or kick her to the curb. She's just blowing off your feelings and emotions like they're nothing and giving you bullsh*t excuses as to why she has the right to contact him. I bet if the tables were turned, she wouldn't put up with you contacting an ex-girlfriend/wife, now would she?

 

Stand up for yourself my friend. The longer you let the contact happen, the longer it will.

 

Thank you Javelin, I appreciate your take on my delima as well.

 

There are NO children involved which is why I am uncomfortable with their continued communication - I made this crystal clear in the very begining.

 

She attempted to shrug it off as no big deal, they're just friends, nothing more.

 

So I asked, why are you hiding the phone calls from me?!

 

Her reply, "Because I knew you would be upset".

 

The next question, "So you simply don't respect this relationship?"

 

Reply, "You're making a big deal out of nothing"

 

So round and round we went.

 

Finally I stood up, suggested she do some soul searching to try to decide what is really important in her life. I explained briefly that "mistrust" is not a quality I want in my relationship and calmly walked out the door to go to work.

 

A few hours have passed now and I'm begining to think I need to start making plans to seperate..., so I can start looking for a woman who will respect her current relationship.

[porter218]

Her reply, "Because I knew you would be upset".

 

.

So then I would wonder, if this is her mentality, then on the same reasoning if she were to run through $200,000 on a crack binge maybe she will not tell you "Because I knew you would be upset". Not much on her moral compass. Many people who have full blown affairs don't tell their partner because they know it would upset them.

Stand your ground, tell her she is 100% free to talk to him whenever she wants all day long if she desires ....from her own separate residence after the divorce. Until then she must respect this marriage.