Can we love each other forever? or should we quit now?

[Helly]

I'm confused.

 

I have a lovely boyfriend who I've been with for 6 months but I don't know whether he's the perfect man for me. There's a part of me which thinks that I could find someone better. But I don't want to leave my boyfriend and then discover that there's no one else who can even match him - what should I do?

 

The fact that I have some doubts about our long-term compatibility makes me think that our relationship is not "meant to be" - surely I would feel certain and I wouldn't have any doubts at all if our relationship was "meant to be" ? But then I realise that I'm probably expecting too much and that I can never be 100% certain, can I?

 

To give you a bit more detail about us, I'm 31, very independant, unable to trust other's feelings towards me and, tho' I've had lots of short relationships, I don't think I've ever known real love with a boyfriend. My boyfriend is the same age as me, has a four year old child (from a previous relationship. The child lives with mom) and he says that he didn't know what love was before he became a father. He says that he loves me too and seems to have very strong feelings for me. I can't comprehend his certainty about his feelings for me but I trust that he is truthful. I'm very very very fond of him, I do love him but I'm not sure that that means we should be together long-term. Should we?

 

For the time-being, we have fun, I have such great times with him, I think he's beautiful and he really is quite special - in touch with his feelings, able to articulate his feelings, creative, talented and... yes, I'm quite a fan of his! But... he doesn't tick all the boxes on the little list that I have in my head of what would make my ideal man. I know that that probably sounds quite harsh of me but, over the years, I've developed a fair idea of what I need and look for in my ideal partner (afterall, it's what all the self-help books tell you do!) and, surely, I owe it to myself to keep looking for "the right person"? Could I find someone who is as great as my boyfriend plus, has the intellect, confidence and financial stability that my boyfriend lacks? or would I still be dis-satisfied?

 

I've discussed this with my boyfriend and we agreed that we don't want to end our relationship. We enjoy it for what it is right now. We don't want to hurt each other. And we do love each other.

 

But my doubts and confusion are still there at the back of my mind. Please! What should I do?

[Tony T]

Some people are never sure. And even for those who think they have absolutely met their one and only soulmate, making a partnership permanent is a major gamble. I'm sorry, but you're never going to get around that. Relationships are volatile and unpredictable. Feelings change. People grow. Interests change. People get sick. People go crazy. People grow bored. People cheat. But there are solid relationships too that surmount the greatest of obstacles.

 

You have to look deep inside of yourself to make a decision here. If you really don't feel good about this guy, move on and find somebody else. If the fear you feel would be the same with anybody, you should press forward and do your very best to communicate and make the relationship work for you.

 

Yes, it's pretty scary sometimes. But a good relationship can bring you great happiness. If you feel that's possible with your current beau, go for it. If you don't, move on.

[moimeme]

Sometimes I need to use a different approach to know my own mind. Picture your life without him. How does that feel? If you were told right now that you'd never see him again, what would that do to you? If it leaves you feeling heartbroken and empty, then it's a good bet this person is more important to you than you have realized. You don't want to be one of those people who only realizes how much someone meant to them once the person's gone. Try to figure that out ahead of time.

[Helly]

Thanks for the replies. They've helped me to focus a bit.

 

Tony is right about the way that people change and relationships change over time. Being reminded of that makes me feel better! I don't intend to try to change my boyfriend but I'm confident that we can grow and any faults, failings and inadequacies that we have as people can be mended. I like to think that that's what life's about anyway - always growing as a person. And there are so many good things about my boyfriend that it might be stupid to walk away just 'cos everything's not perfect.

 

When I think about what it would be like to not be with my boyfriend anymore, I know that I would miss him very much, I would worry that I'd thrown away the chance of a wonderful relationship but I like to tell myself that, because I'm a strong lady, I would be able to bounce back and continue to pursue a happy, fulfilling life. I believe that I could.

 

Anyway, for now I'm going to try to stop worrying about whether my boyfriend is "Mr Right" and I'm going to work on relaxing and enjoying my time with him. Wish us luck! Does anyone else have some words of wisdom about this?