JaneInVegas Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 ... turns up being about 100 pounds overweight? I love my fiance with all my heart, we are the same exact person in 2 separate bodies. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I almost didn't go out with him again after our 1st date because he was so heavy. Something told me not to give up on him, and I'm GLAD. I have dropped very, very subtle hints about his weight (mostly focusing on health issues) and encouraging both of us to eat healthy. He is doing better, but he still complains because he can't have ice cream as often as before. I really haven't raised it as an Official Issue with him, because I do NOT want to make him feel insecure. I love him ... I do! At the same time, I wonder if further down the road when the 'honeymoon is over' if it will start bugging me or not. What would you guys do? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Acceptance is key. Don't get married without it Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Jane, There are some interesting emotional reasons that people eat when and what and why they do, and core beliefs can play a part, too. Possibly you can do some research into that, and see if there's a way you can approach him from that angle? On the other hand, if HE says that he's okay with his current weight and shape, then: 1. There is nothing anyone else will be able to do to influence/motivate him to weight loss -- he must want his changes for himself; and 2. It is as carhill said -- accept him exactly as he is, or set both of you free. As you say, it will facilitate his insecure feelings if you put out a message that essentially is "I love you but...". The 'but' is the condition, and you're correct that conditional love does not inspire a sense of security. You asked if it will "start bugging" you later on, but your post suggests that it is ALREADY bugging you...and has been since your first date. Just a guess on my part that it conceivably is quite a big (no pun intended ) issue for you. I can image your inner conflict on this one - it is indeed a delicate matter that needs a very light touch. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 OP, to expand on my minimal response, I know what you feel. To carry it one step further, I know it beyond the confines of the human body. Timeless, unconstructed connection. The space that person occupied changed markedly over the interceding decades. My love and attraction did not. See, physicality and weight play no role when you're in that place. You're not in that place, yet. If you were, you wouldn't even notice that he was "heavy". Who he is would be who you would accept and love as the soulmate you profess he is to you. Ah, I'm back to acceptance again.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneInVegas Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Thanks for your replies! Well, his weight DID bug me during our first date, but that was before I knew he was my soulmate! We are so completely perfect for each other it is not an issue with me right now ... honest. The way I feel about him today, I don't think it would ever bother me. But you guys know how things are, after you've been together for awhile and men start feeling comfortable doing things like burping & farting in front of their woman ... I'm wondering if at THAT stage it will start to bug me or not. I do accept Mike for who he is, and how he looks, but nothing in life is forever. I just don't know whether to actively encourage him to start dropping weight or not, because I do not want to give him one ounce of insecurity because I am in this relationship for the long haul. Appearances aside, he IS at a very *unhealthy* weight, and shouldn't I be concerned about his health as well? Ignore it ... focus on health ... just not sure what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Is he concerned about his health? Is his health bad? Tell me about his last physical and blood panels.... I think you know what I'm getting at here.... Loving someone isn't thinking you know what's best for them. It's supporting and challenging them in a loving way along their journey in life. Seeing existence through their eyes... Or, you could just tell him he's fat and needs to lose the weight. Personally, I'd counsel against that tactic, and that comes from someone a hamburger was named after Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneInVegas Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think that anyone who goes beyond a certain weight strays into the unhealthy zone. It's bad for your heart, blood pressure, prone to diabetes, etc. He has mentioned a couple of times he's mad because he gained so much weight a couple of years ago when he moved here from Colorado (just got out of a bad relationship, food became his crutch) So yes, Mike has mentioned he isn't comfortable with his weight, either. I just never said anything in return, like I said, I do not want him feeling insecure about my feelings for him. A very overweight person does not need to go to the doctor to know it's unhealthy, it's just common sense. I really want to grow old with Mike, I don't want him to have a heart attack long before his time. I certainly hope you can respect my concern for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Throne Of Lies Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have sort of a similar situation, except reversed. I'm really, really skinny. Super skinny, like seventy one inches and a hundred and thirty pounds skinny. Even though my girlfriend is even tinier than me- she would feel more comfortable if I was bigger. So she could look smaller, and for all the other myriad reasons why women feel more comfortable with men that considerably larger than them. By and large, those reasons are much less concrete and reasonable than the one that you have here- 'I love you, and I want to for as long as I can, and your weight is shortening the amount of time we will have together." Given that, when she started dropping hints that I needed to be less scrawny (I would consider that a more serious charge against a man than calling him fat, in most cases) I was not in the least bit offended, I think that your man will have no problem with it. Especially if you are direct, and help him out with it. Once you get past the first two weeks, it will be much easier. But those first two are going to be a little nasty, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 A very overweight person does not need to go to the doctor to know it's unhealthy, it's just common sense. IME, yes, they do need a medical baseline for any weight loss regime they desire to embark upon. I've never been ill or needed medical care, but still go in for a physical and blood work bi-annually and monitor my blood glucose and blood pressure at home. I learned most of this caring for my mom. She ignored her doctor's advice (she wasn't heavy) and ended up stroked out and demented. I'm not going to end up like that if I can help it. If your BF really does want to do something about his weight, make that doctor appointment today. I only recently (in the past few years) have been able to afford health insurance, so I paid for all those physicals and labs out of my pocket for a couple decades. Money well spent, IMO... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 What if your soul mate ... ... turns up being about 100 pounds overweight? then I guess he really isn't your soulmate if you're fixated on changing him to please you. Even if that concern is health-related. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 If you're concerned with it now, no doubt it will start to bug you once the "honeymoon is over" (as you put it). That said, I don't think it's an unrealistic concern. If you care about someone, you want them to be healthy. If HE can recognize the effect of his weight on his health (which it seems he does), that's all the better--you are just helping him become the person he wants to be. Link to post Share on other sites
havoc Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Are you worried about his health or about your long-term attraction to him? Or both? If attraction is an issue, YES, it will bother you a lot more down the road. I do get that you are worried about his health, too. 100 pounds overweight is an issue. But, remember, he has to care about his weight as well, you can't change who he is. If he cares more about ice cream than working on his body, that's how he is, unless he has a sudden change of heart (or health that forces him to do it). Unless he changes his priorities, he's not going to lose weight. You accepted him at this weight, so you will have to accept that it may not change. You can't get into a relationship with someone as they are and then start asking them to change. You have to accept who that person is. If you were already in a relationship and he gained 100 lbs than yes, you can point that out to him and ask him to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 start feeling comfortable doing things like burping & farting in front of ... I'm wondering if at THAT stage it will start to bug me or not. Well, two things you can consider: 1. He won't START to be overweight in the future, so that won't be any (new) shock to your system/psyche, so it likely won't START to bug you then. 2. In many ways, your current (worrying) thoughts are supporting that you will feel bugged about it in the future. Law of Attraction-type of thing. Possibly your best way to counter your own concerns and anxieties is to consciously strive for thoughts about how wonderful will be the life that you two will create together. Things have a way of "lasting forever" (or not) once we decide that they will. He is a grown-up. HE needs to be more concerned about his own health and fitness than anyone else ought to be on his behalf. We don't have rights, responsibilities or obligations in other adults' choices about factors that may affect their physical wellness/longevity. PS - women do their fair share of burping and farting...and they also hide those activities in the "honeymoon phase" . Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 PS - women do their fair share of burping and farting...and they also hide those activities in the "honeymoon phase" . My wife never did (hide it). There must be something in the Chicago water. I got to where I'd just say "thank you" (for embarrassing me). Now I say "acidophilus" FWIW, my wife is and has always been overweight (like 40+ lbs) and I've never once commented on her weight and it had no bearing on how much or little I was attracted to her. Our issues have everything to do with the reality of "who she is", not "what she looks like". I hope the OP can reconcile those issues for herself. Link to post Share on other sites
havoc Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 FWIW, my wife is and has always been overweight (like 40+ lbs) and I've never once commented on her weight and it had no bearing on how much or little I was attracted to her. Our issues have everything to do with the reality of "who she is", not "what she looks like". I hope the OP can reconcile those issues for herself. But you accepted her that way and married her! You obviously loved her the way she was, coming into the relationship. I thought the OP was talking about how it bothers now and wonders how she can change it. I think she needs to accept who he is and not bother with the weight issue if he is her "soul mate." Otherwise, yes, it will become an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 This is where the OP needs to take a lesson. BTW, most of our MC has been about "me changing". Do you sense a pattern here? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 , most of our MC has been about "me changing". If MC is working as effectively as it ought to, BOTH partners will have that same sense, whether or not it's verbalized by counselor or one of the clients -- if a relationship is to be improved, EACH partner must do their fair share of changing whatever are the thoughts, behaviours and attitudes that are keeping the issue in place. (Not to be confused with, "my problem is that s/he" does whatever, "so we just need for him/her to change that." In reality, I need to change whatever it is within me that is seeing that as a problem.) In Jane's case, yes, the changes that will eliminate her issue/concerns about their future and/or his health must come from changes to her own thoughts, beliefs, desires, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Since I tend to "riddle", the pattern I alluded to was one of women seeking to change men while resisting constructive change within themselves. "I don't know if I can do that" was a response I heard to "I'd like for us to become more close emotionally. I need to feel that connection to be sexual with you and not feel like a roommate". That's the kind of change I'm talking about, not something as superficial as someone's BMI. Hope that makes sense Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 ...resisting constructive change within themselves. "I don't know if I can do that" was a response I heard to "I'd like for us to become more close emotionally. I need to feel that connection to be sexual with you and not feel like a roommate". Doesn't that assume that one person's "constructive change" is viewed by the other person as also being "constructive", though? Usually, the person doing the 'asking' is also the one who would benefit most or, at least, believes s/he would benefit most, from the change that s/he is suggesting/requesting. Otherwise, "I'd like for us to NOT become more emotionally close" can ALSO be seen as a "constructive change" that is being resisted. Doesn't it simply depend on the perspective? (Or, I am still missing the important piece of the "riddle"...which is, of course, entirely possible .) I'm not sure how you meant "I don't know if I can do what you are asking" -- to me it just seems my honest answer to my reasonable assessment of my known strengths and weaknesses, needs and desires, likes and dislikes. Isn't "my" self-awareness of all those things (assuming I have such self-knowledge, for sake of assisting the OP) totally independent of "your" needs, feelings, opinions, etc.? My interpretation of the original post is that Jane is concerned about her possible future feelings, NOT about his current weight. For their relationship, and depending on the perspective, a "constructive change" can be either a change in her thought patterns OR a change (reduction) in his weight -- and both are more likely to accept (or "resist") one over the other. I think. Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck818 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 ... turns up being about 100 pounds overweight? I love my fiance with all my heart, we are the same exact person in 2 separate bodies. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. I almost didn't go out with him again after our 1st date because he was so heavy. Something told me not to give up on him, and I'm GLAD. I have dropped very, very subtle hints about his weight (mostly focusing on health issues) and encouraging both of us to eat healthy. He is doing better, but he still complains because he can't have ice cream as often as before. I really haven't raised it as an Official Issue with him, because I do NOT want to make him feel insecure. I love him ... I do! At the same time, I wonder if further down the road when the 'honeymoon is over' if it will start bugging me or not. What would you guys do? he's your fiance...it's a bit too late to be questioning this now... and...at that pt in a relationship you shouldn't be trying to change someone. Maybe you shouldn't marry him if you feel this way. Not trying to mean, but I wouldn't want it to getw orse and see your marriage fail b/c of it. If it's an issue now, it will always be an issue...and you can't change him. Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 What you could do is say that you love him so much, and you are scared to death that he is at major risk of high blood pressure, diabetes (and thus, blindness), heart disease, increased risk of cancer (this is positively related to obesity) and a myriad of other diseases that could significantly shorten or end his life or significantly refuce quality of life and put huge strains on your medical insurance/bills for treatment, and potentially leave YOU a widow and any future children fatherless. Lol okay a bit morbid, but 100% true nonetheless and easier to discuss from this angle than the 'you're fat and it bothers me' way! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 If he has a true food addiction you can expect him to keep eating and being even BIGGER than he is now....his weight will go up and down...up and down. I love BIG guys so this is not a problem for me How tall is he ? How much does he weigh ? ( or how much do you believe he honestly weighs ? ) You go into this with an overweight man, one who will likely battle weight for his lifetime. Are you ready for~~ forever ??? Unless he goes on some program with counseling , exersize and healthy eating choices....well...what you see is what you get Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 You don't really even need to mention it. You can even make it about you. Something like 'I want to be healthier' and start eating more healthy food or smaller portions or even suggest doing something together like running or swimming. You can be subtle about things. And I fully understand that you can love somebody but have concerns for them or even concerns for how your feelings may change. The truth is when I was with my boyfriend he put on weight because we both used to eat more but you know? I noticed but I didn't even care. I noticed the GOOD things about a bit of extra weight. That unlike muscly men who may have sexier bodies, he was so soft and warm to cuddle up to! But if his weight is borderlining more on obesity then I can understand it would he harder to ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 Oh an one more thing! In the end; looks fade. We all end up old and ugly! Let's be honest. So if he is your soulmate - WHO CARES. When the phyiscal attraction fades you will both still make each other smile, laugh, be loved, supported and cared for Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted August 15, 2008 Share Posted August 15, 2008 I just don't know whether to actively encourage him to start dropping weight or not, because I do not want to give him one ounce of insecurity because I am in this relationship for the long haul. I'd say go for it and encourage him (in a nice way), since you said he mentioned himself that he was not confortable with his weight. I used to be in a relationship with a guy who was even more overweight than your bf is, and I did not *really* encourage him to lose weight (unless he got into the subject himself) because I was worried he might take it the wrong way. He ended up not feeling loved (well, we had other issues, as well) - as his family and his close friends were asking about his weight and encouraging him to lose some, he found it a red flag that I was the only one not breaking the subject. At one point he even wondered whether deep down I wanted him to keep being overweight because I was insecure and his weight was a turnoff for other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
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