dvsxx6 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Hi everyone, I'm going to try and make this as brief as possible cause this could stretch into a novel, so I'll try to stick to the key points I would like to address. My parents have always been extremely loving and supportive and have given my sister and I absolutely anything and everything we've wanted. They own their own business and do pretty well, and they used to golf 4-5 times a week. My father is the president of his company and my mother is the vice president and so they work closely together and fight constantly, about 24-7. My Mom calls my father lazy and incompetant while my father just tunes her out and is his normal happy self all the while not reacting to her yelling. My dad is the happiest, most funniest 50 somethin year old I've ever met [or even person in general], yet I know that deep down he is very depressed. He drinks almost 5 times a week and has had liver problems in the past, yet he doesn't do anything about it. Both of my parents are obese, but at least my Mom is taking the initiative to eat healthier, cooking healthier meals and exercising here and there. My father on the other hand still thinks he's 18 years old and parties and eats sugary and salty crap like there's no tomorrow. My sister has been trying tirelessly to get them to exercise more and eat healthier but my father refuses to listen. When my sister suggests eating a low carb/low sugar snack instead of the danish pastries he loves, he says "I don't like eating cardboard, I like flavor to my food". My Mom threatens divorce about 4 times a week. As a psych major in college, I try to get her to open up to me about how she feels so that she has someone to talk to. I believe she's very lonely and at the same time she doesn't want to "burden" me with her problems. She said I'd never understand and that being married to my father is miserable but she can't leave him b/c financially she won't be able to survive on her own. I tell her that she can but she just doesn't believe that she has that ability. I suggested family counseling but my Mom said that my dad wouldn't go. He's very stubborn in that sense. I guess my underlying questions are: 1) How do I get them to eat healthier and exercise? I've tried exercising w/ them but it doesn't last a long time. The longest was 2 weeks of walking around the football track 4x. 2) Is there a way to help my mom feel that she's not alone and to make her feel like she can make it on her own? Yes, I know I can't change her or my dad but at this point, I am desperate and want them to realize that they could be living a life that is filled with happiness and not pseudo-happiness. 3) I want my dad to stop drinking or at least cut back but he doesn't listen. I myself had an alcohol problem but have stabilized it for the most part. 4) My sister even got my parents private work out sessios w/ a trainer at a very expensive gym but so far my dad hasn't used it. My mom has but she only works out once or twice a week. It's not consistent either. I tell my parents that I constantly worry about them and that they may not have much time on this earth because they may have a heart attack due to their lack of exercise, poor eating habits and their extreme amount of stress [my Mom is constantly yelling at my dad everyday and my Dad drinks all the time at the bar and just suppresses his true feelings]. It's ironic because my sister is a pharmaceutical salesperson and sells hypertension and high blood pressure medications. This is exactly where my parents are heading and God forbid they may get a heart attack. I am so worried about them, a huge panic just thinking about it. Please.. anyone. I am desperate. Talking doesn't do much anymore. I need to take more action but I don't know where to turn. I'd appreciate any and every bit of feedback that I can get from anyone. Thank you so much in advance.
quankanne Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 you're a good kid, d, and so is your sister for looking out for your parents, and with such love! but you have to keep in mind that no matter how much you want to help them solve what's hurting them (so to speak), until they decide to help themselves, you're limited. you say mom goes to work out a couple of times a week? Fantastic! Maybe on those other days, get with her and do something active – walks, learn to roller blade, bicycle, jog, play tennis/racquetball/etc ... if she's anything like me, it's easier to get motivated when you got someone sharing the torture of exercise with encourage her to go to individual counseling to help her get the tools she needs to weather this patch. Maybe she'll start feeling better about herself and will take charge of her marriage, and things will begin to look up for her. You have a lot of empathy for her, and it's good, but this will give her a means of taking charge herself, you know? as for dad ... well, daddies are way different creatures to navigate. Sometimes it takes bribery, sometimes it takes tears, sometimes it takes good old nagging (or in my dad's case, hollering). Share your concerns with him about his diet, that you hate the idea of being fatherless and that's why you fuss at him. and then give yourself some distance from the situation. It won't mean that you love them less, just that you're conserving your energy for those "big" moments when they need your full support, fast. from personal experience, it's hard to not try to be the adult around them because you see things from a different point of view, but it doesn't do anything but siphon your energy and focus when they're not ready for your help. hugs, quank
Desperado620 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 I concur. My dad's been a heart patient for many years, and he's had to get used to eating cardboard. Taste is reserved for special occasions. But, he didn't get that way until after his first silent heart attack and cardiac cath. It's obvious you love your parents, but you said yourself that talking doesn't do much anymore. You can't force them into anything, and it kind of sounds like you're beating your head against a wall. Be careful not to worry yourself into a heart attack over their situation. You've done the best you can, you've expressed your worries to them and offered them whatever help you were able to provide. It may be time to back off. I really hope that they come to their senses, for their and your sake, but you can't force it. I really love this prayer, quote, whatever: "Lord, grant me the strength to change the things I can, the patience to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference." Good luck!
Author dvsxx6 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 you're a good kid, d, and so is your sister for looking out for your parents, and with such love! but you have to keep in mind that no matter how much you want to help them solve what's hurting them (so to speak), until they decide to help themselves, you're limited. you say mom goes to work out a couple of times a week? Fantastic! Maybe on those other days, get with her and do something active – walks, learn to roller blade, bicycle, jog, play tennis/racquetball/etc ... if she's anything like me, it's easier to get motivated when you got someone sharing the torture of exercise with encourage her to go to individual counseling to help her get the tools she needs to weather this patch. Maybe she'll start feeling better about herself and will take charge of her marriage, and things will begin to look up for her. You have a lot of empathy for her, and it's good, but this will give her a means of taking charge herself, you know? as for dad ... well, daddies are way different creatures to navigate. Sometimes it takes bribery, sometimes it takes tears, sometimes it takes good old nagging (or in my dad's case, hollering). Share your concerns with him about his diet, that you hate the idea of being fatherless and that's why you fuss at him. and then give yourself some distance from the situation. It won't mean that you love them less, just that you're conserving your energy for those "big" moments when they need your full support, fast. from personal experience, it's hard to not try to be the adult around them because you see things from a different point of view, but it doesn't do anything but siphon your energy and focus when they're not ready for your help. hugs, quank Thank you so much for your advice. It really means a lot to me that you'd take the time to read what I had to say. You're right about my Mom wanting to go to counseling. I did suggest that to her, but then she said "Your father is the one that needs the counseling and he's never going to go". It's a lose lose situation cause she blames my dad for everything, most of the time she's right which I hate to admit, but through his actions [as well as inactions], he is kiling her and my sister and I are just watching. I think it shouldn't be that way though. She doesn't need to be a victim in all of this, she can be proactive but I don't think she believes that strongly in herself. I just want the best for her but she doesn't even know where to begin. I think I'm gona look into getting her some counseling classes. I completely understand what you mean about giving them distance. I just moved back home with them just for the summer [been living w/ them since May] cause my dorm didn't offer a summer stay. I'll be moving back in 3 weeks, and I'm worried that they will be living w/ each other and I will not be able to monitor nor stop their arguing [or more like my Mom yelling at my dad, for sometimes valid reason but otherwise just being rude]. I think that counseling is the way to go for her. I'm goign to look up some programs. I brought up family counseling last nite but my Mom just got a lil' pissed and didn't really take it into consideration. Keep in mind, my parents aren't reaally doing that well financially, so for them, this will be another stress inducing problem. I'll figure somethin out and I'm old enough. I'm 21 so I should be able to buy THEM counseling sessions or something. Thank you so much again for your input
Author dvsxx6 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 I concur. My dad's been a heart patient for many years, and he's had to get used to eating cardboard. Taste is reserved for special occasions. But, he didn't get that way until after his first silent heart attack and cardiac cath. It's obvious you love your parents, but you said yourself that talking doesn't do much anymore. You can't force them into anything, and it kind of sounds like you're beating your head against a wall. Be careful not to worry yourself into a heart attack over their situation. You've done the best you can, you've expressed your worries to them and offered them whatever help you were able to provide. It may be time to back off. I really hope that they come to their senses, for their and your sake, but you can't force it. I really love this prayer, quote, whatever: "Lord, grant me the strength to change the things I can, the patience to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference." Good luck! Thank you for input as well. I'm happy that I've gotten such a positive response from you. I really like that prayer by the way, I've heard part of that prayer before but I'm not sure where that is from. I'm not sure what it's called, do you know its title? I'm sorry to hear about your Dad..I'm sure that it was difficult for you and your father, to know that he has a heart condition but I'm happy that he's turned his life around. I know one woman's father who had to get 3 heart surgeries and each time was because he didn't change his diet nor did he exercise. He ended up passing away due to complications from his heart. Good for your dad that he did the right thing. Not everyone does. Take care and thank you again. I am just exploring possible options that will best suit my parents and something that'll be long lasting. I hope that this counseling will work out.
Author dvsxx6 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Posted July 30, 2008 Sorry, I got some grammar issues in my last couple of posts. L.S. won't let me edit it for some reason, hehe. No big deal.
quankanne Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 tell your mom it's a way for her to relieve stress by having someone professional to talk to. Who will tell her she's not nuts for feeling the way she does and who will give her the tools she needs to build the marriage the way she hopes it can be! My dad was against it when my mom started going the last year she was alive, because he thought it was the two of them teaming up against him. But it was the best thing for her because she finally understood that she didn't have to suffer his bad behavior in silence, and that SHE had a say in their marriage, too. Mostly it helped give her a healthier sense of self-esteem, and the difference was visible.
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