Rorocher Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I don't claim to know it all, this is just from my point of view. I have been in a relationship where sex practically dropped off after some time. Because I, as the woman, was just no longer in the mood. He pushed and prodded and begged, but my libido was just shot. It wasn't because I didn't have the desire because obviously, after we broke up, I was horny again. It was because my desire FOR HIM was no longer there. To his credit, he was a sweet, kind, gentleman but to his discredit, he was too clingy, too childish and too imature. He acted like he was my little puppy dog, non-assertive, no backbone and extremely needy. Sex, when we were having it, was ordinary and unexciting, even our make-out sessions were not arousing in anyway due to his lack of experience. I was expected to take charge and essentially be the "man" in the relationship. I'm a woman, I had no idea how to wear the pants. My loss of respect for him directly correlated to my loss of libido. I loved him, don't get me wrong and he didn't exactly do anything wrong, he just didn't know how to be a man. And my hormones only responded to a man not a little boy. Little moral of the story, especially for women, is instead of just saying "I don't feel like sex anymore". Think deep and find out why, what changed, what is HE doing that no longer lights your fire?. What should he stop or start doing to rekindle the flame?. Think back to when the thought of him got you all hot and bothered. Besides time, what has changed from then till now? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Oh great..... I feel about an inch tall now..... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Do they have jockstraps in girlie-man sizes?? Seriously, and I didn't mean to minimize the OP, most of the reason my wife's mad at me now is because I'm setting boundaries, not being a doormat, wimp, whiner, you name it. She's resentful and my testicles are full Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 My loss of respect for him directly correlated to my loss of libido. I loved him, don't get me wrong and he didn't exactly do anything wrong, he just didn't know how to be a man. And my hormones only responded to a man not a little boy. Little moral of the story, especially for women, is instead of just saying "I don't feel like sex anymore". Think deep and find out why, what changed, what is HE doing that no longer lights your fire?. What should he stop or start doing to rekindle the flame?. Think back to when the thought of him got you all hot and bothered. Besides time, what has changed from then till now? You descriped my sex life with my exH perfectly. How did you know?!?! Very true about needing to investigate the reasons behind the loss of libido, but its not something that works well without perspective. I know when I was in that situation there were so many issues and emotions bumping around that I couldn't sort out which way was up. Then to top it off I felt like an azz for not wanting sex when he was always raring to go... Made me feel like a loser. Even today, 6 years later, I'm still not clear about all the emotions and problems that went on in that relationship. What would you have said to change things in your last relationship? "Phil, when are those testicles gonna drop?". Or "Wow honey, you really do have a pair... why don't you use them?" Link to post Share on other sites
stoopid_guy Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Roro, I'd bet there is some truth to your idea. "Familiarity breeds contempt," at least in some cases. No doubt, many of us men get a little less interesting once we have a family. We're not willing to take the same chances, we have more to live for. Perhaps we're not as aggressive as we could be toward our wives. You are the most important people in our lives. We want you to be content. We expect you to want our happiness just as much as we want yours. It may take us years to realize that that's simply not the case. You said you didn't want sex again until you were single. That fits my theory about my own wife. Once she had a husband and all the kids she wanted, she saw no more reason for intimacy. Her husband's a "nice guy," he wouldn't leave her over things as silly as intimacy or sex! (And she's right, at least until the kids are on their own.) Once my wife is single, she'll probably get her libido back too. At least until she gets another guy hooked. Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 sounds like you have some major issues going! when a partner loses sex drive, either they have some real disdain for their partner or you may actually be depressed! Are you considered a selfish person by some? Have you sought counseling and tried to help the marriage? But it does sound like you found your answer! Good luck with that! Link to post Share on other sites
stoopid_guy Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Note: I know not all women are like that. My OW's husband is the one who ignores HER needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Note: I know not all women are like that. My OW's husband is the one who ignores HER needs. Either way, when you got sex not being desired in a marriage, something is wrong! It breeds affairs, contempt, hatred, etc! And rarely you hear about these couples getting counseling, etc! And then there are couples with great sex all the time! Thats what I'm striving for!!! If sex in my marriage (when i get married) goes to pot, damn straight i'm not going in denial and keeping quiet and letting it stew! I'm getting help or ending it! Simple! Link to post Share on other sites
stoopid_guy Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Either way, when you got sex not being desired in a marriage, something is wrong! It breeds affairs, contempt, hatred, etc! And rarely you hear about these couples getting counseling, etc! And then there are couples with great sex all the time! Thats what I'm striving for!!! If sex in my marriage (when i get married) goes to pot, damn straight i'm not going in denial and keeping quiet and letting it stew! I'm getting help or ending it! Simple! I would have said the exact same thing 20 years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I would have said the exact same thing 20 years ago. Ha! My thoughts, too, Stoopid guy. Our opinions and feelings change with age, do they not? Never say never until you find yourself actually in any given situation.... Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Ha! My thoughts, too, Stoopid guy. Our opinions and feelings change with age, do they not? Never say never until you find yourself actually in any given situation.... What are you saying? you are both too scared to address such a problem?! Give me a break! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 What are you saying? you are both too scared to address such a problem?! Give me a break! Hmmm. Interesting assertion. At the time I was actually IN a (virtually) sexless marriage, well, yes. I was scared to address it. For a time. It kind of caught me off guard. I always thought I would be as you have described yourself, if in such a predicament: happy to take decisive action. But, be it because I was a pussy, or my H was, or both of us were just confused and in denial at the time (probably all of the above), it went on for awhile and festered like a boil. Eventually, I got the courage/strength/pissed-off-ness to do something about it. But it did take some time. I have to be honest about that. And when I took action, it was kind of in baby-steps at first. Nothing grandiose or dramatic. Hopefully, you never have such a relationship experience, Serpent. It's an unhappy place to be that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hmmm. Interesting assertion. At the time I was actually IN a (virtually) sexless marriage, well, yes. I was scared to address it. For a time. It kind of caught me off guard. I always thought I would be as you have described yourself, if in such a predicament: happy to take decisive action. But, be it because I was a pussy, or my H was, or both of us were just confused and in denial at the time (probably all of the above), it went on for awhile and festered like a boil. Eventually, I got the courage/strength/pissed-off-ness to do something about it. But it did take some time. I have to be honest about that. And when I took action, it was kind of in baby-steps at first. Nothing grandiose or dramatic. Hopefully, you never have such a relationship experience, Serpent. It's an unhappy place to be that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But hah! you see! You have to address it! I have an alpha personality and always take charge! The difference to being a happy person is knowing how to do the right thing and DOING the right thing! People that don't get sex fall into cheating and affairs! So why WOULDN"T I?!?! Its called facing the music! Not everything in life can be peaches and cream! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I guess I find that folks who are "stuck" in a low-sex or sexless relationship are in a very tight spot that I think I understand better now, having weathered such a storm myself, than I did years ago. The "deprived" one is very much between a rock and a hard place. And I think many that post here about such experiences have definitely tried to take action. Unfortunately, the one who "withholds" is pretty much holding the cards. Especially when the other still loves that person and doesn't really desire a relationship with anyone else - withholding, or not. I just think that sometimes emotional attachment with another person (such as a spouse) is not so simple as "If you ever do (or do NOT do) X, then I will do Y." But, then again, maybe I'm just making it more complex than it should be! Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I guess I find that folks who are "stuck" in a low-sex or sexless relationship are in a very tight spot that I think I understand better now, having weathered such a storm myself, than I did years ago. The "deprived" one is very much between a rock and a hard place. And I think many that post here about such experiences have definitely tried to take action. Unfortunately, the one who "withholds" is pretty much holding the cards. Especially when the other still loves that person and doesn't really desire a relationship with anyone else - withholding, or not. I just think that sometimes emotional attachment with another person (such as a spouse) is not so simple as "If you ever do (or do NOT do) X, then I will do Y." But, then again, maybe I'm just making it more complex than it should be! You just talk about suffering with it! Doesn't sound like you are addressing any problem! What have you done to solve the problem? Hmmm? Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 You just talk about suffering with it! Doesn't sound like you are addressing any problem! What have you done to solve the problem? Hmmm? I not going to make this about me. But I've seen plenty of threads here by spouses who have tried all sorts of things - mostly husbands are coming to my mind...they've tried helping around the house, pampering the wife, giving her "time to herself," taking her out and wining/dining her, being a macho-man, laying ultimatums, taking a mistress, etc. You name it, I think someone here has probably tried it. For the majority (not scientific, mind you, just my recollection at this moment) it doesn't work out so well. They are torn with divorcing or staying and hoping for change. That's all. I'm thinking we'll have to agree to disagree, hon. BTW, I'm sure I know you from a past life.... Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I not going to make this about me. But I've seen plenty of threads here by spouses who have tried all sorts of things - mostly husbands are coming to my mind...they've tried helping around the house, pampering the wife, giving her "time to herself," taking her out and wining/dining her, being a macho-man, laying ultimatums, taking a mistress, etc. You name it, I think someone here has probably tried it. For the majority (not scientific, mind you, just my recollection at this moment) it doesn't work out so well. They are torn with divorcing or staying and hoping for change. That's all. I'm thinking we'll have to agree to disagree, hon. BTW, I'm sure I know you from a past life.... I dont understand! you disagree with anything I have said?! What part?! Plus I don't believe in reincarnation! mathametcally there arent enogh souls, so new ones must be made! Simple math! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think we have wandered off the original topic. My bad for participating in that. I think, FWIW, that the OP offers some valuable insight for any man that finds himself in a sexless relationship. (And probably valid for the other gender, as well.) There. Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I think the OP is nothing but a blamer! Allow me to quote: "What should he stop or start doing to rekindle the flame?" how about "What should I, the wife, be looking at as well?" O God for bid she not be at fault! Link to post Share on other sites
Jennifer26 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Wow. . I feel like you're describing my last relationship as well. During the last year we were together I found myself not wanting sex with him at all. Most nights I would stay up late watching television on the sofa to avoid going to bed with him. He would always beg me, and I'd give in maybe once every month or two, but no more. I feel bad about it in retrospect. It wasn't totally a conscious decision on my part. Infact when I initially started losing interest in sex, I thought I was pretty happy with him and our relationship. I just didn't think I was a very sexual person (which I know now is far from true). As the year went by, I realized he was immature and didn't have any goals and that I think, had a lot to do with why the sex stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Wow. . I feel like you're describing my last relationship as well. During the last year we were together I found myself not wanting sex with him at all. Most nights I would stay up late watching television on the sofa to avoid going to bed with him. He would always beg me, and I'd give in maybe once every month or two, but no more. I feel bad about it in retrospect. It wasn't totally a conscious decision on my part. Infact when I initially started losing interest in sex, I thought I was pretty happy with him and our relationship. I just didn't think I was a very sexual person (which I know now is far from true). As the year went by, I realized he was immature and didn't have any goals and that I think, had a lot to do with why the sex stopped. Ahh! Maybe that is where I am missing something! When you say "it wasn't a totally conscious decision". I wonder if that what occurs is such a situation! I will have to be mentally aware of that in case it happens to me! That is some excellent insight! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Ahh! Maybe that is where I am missing something! When you say "it wasn't a totally conscious decision". I wonder if that what occurs is such a situation! I will have to be mentally aware of that in case it happens to me! That is some excellent insight! I don't know if you are being a wise-acre here, or not. But, FWIW, I also alluded to this when I said, above, that finding myself in such a situation "caught me off guard." It's not like I wanted it, or willed it that way. But. Whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 You just talk about suffering with it! Doesn't sound like you are addressing any problem! What have you done to solve the problem? Hmmm? How would you solve it? Its not so simple, especially if you're married. Talking only results in very short bursts of action. Once things go back to status quo then you're left feeling even more dissatisfied, and also resentful that the other person stopped attempting to work on it. Leaving the relationship is a quick fix, but a permenant one. Its like contemplating suicide. Effective, yet drastic. Not something you jump to when there's still the smallest wee little glimmer of hope things could change. And how do you address a problem you don't understand? When I was faced with this issue, I didn't understand what the problem was. Its not as if there was a fixed problem and therefore solution B would work best. It was a hazy cloud of issues that compounded over time to create the problem. Not one thing, or even a couple of things. Link to post Share on other sites
angryyoungman70 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hmmm..so when a woman's libido plummets, then it's the man's fault. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Little moral of the story, especially for women, is instead of just saying "I don't feel like sex anymore". Think deep and find out why, what changed, what is HE doing that no longer lights your fire?. What should he stop or start doing to rekindle the flame?. Think back to when the thought of him got you all hot and bothered. Besides time, what has changed from then till now? What if it's you, not him, who has changed? Your post does not describe any change in his lovemaking. It's not as if during courtship and the early years of marriage he was an alpha-male in bed and then, all of a sudden, went soft, beta and subby. I suspect it was you who changed. Your expectations shifted, and his perceived softness increasingly exasperated and irritated you.Perhaps you simply wanted greater sexual variety, and are using his alleged lovemaking deficiencies as a license to try new models. It's not only behavior that changes during a relationship, expectations can change, too. I just hope you didn't humiliate him. Link to post Share on other sites
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