NedFlanders Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have a friend who has been in a verbally and violent marriage for at least 17 years. She finally left him for two months, but went right back to him. She has admitted she doesnt love him, but from pressure from everyone she went back. People around me has told me that she mainly went back for the stability. On her own she has to worry about paying bills, money problems, etc, but with him she doesnt have to worry about it because he will take care of it all. So you are telling me stability is more important than wanting to find true love in life? Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have a friend who has been in a verbally and violent marriage for at least 17 years. She finally left him for two months, but went right back to him. She has admitted she doesnt love him, but from pressure from everyone she went back. People around me has told me that she mainly went back for the stability. On her own she has to worry about paying bills, money problems, etc, but with him she doesnt have to worry about it because he will take care of it all. So you are telling me stability is more important than wanting to find true love in life? I am not her and neither is any of the other women on here. I am offended that you would draw on one specific case and compare me to one women you know. And you perhaps left out important details. Like what she does for a living. What he does for a living. Why they chose those careers. Whether they have children and how they share parental responsibilities. Housekeeping responsibilities. Who spends more time doing what and how they reached agreements (or if they reached agreements) on the paremeters of their relationships. I'm offended you would question my ability to love. My sense of ethics. I know I am not answering your questions. But I wonder if you would be able to answer mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 So you are telling me stability is more important than wanting to find true love in life? For your friend, RIGHT NOW, yes. There may have been a time when she valued "true love" more, but apparently that is not the case at the moment. Though that doesn't mean that, at some point in the future, "true love" won't be given more emphasis. For me, right now, "love" is being accepted for whatever I am displaying in the moment -- I can act fearful/angry, I can act loving, or I can act like an alien (however they act? ), and he doesn't care...as long as I am not doing anything directly "at" him that disturbs his own equilibrium, that is. So I guess for me "love" also is not putting up with anyone else's "stuff" -- I feel more loved by someone who knows how to self-love...perhaps because they've figured out how to give it to themselves, they also know how to give it to others(???) Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 as for the original question: yes - love means something to me - but at the moment it's soooo elusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 as for the original question: yes - love means something to me - but at the moment it's soooo elusive. What she is trying to say is, the guy with all the money is taken. JK:p Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have a friend who has been in a verbally and violent marriage for at least 17 years. She finally left him for two months, but went right back to him. She has admitted she doesnt love him, but from pressure from everyone she went back. People around me has told me that she mainly went back for the stability. On her own she has to worry about paying bills, money problems, etc, but with him she doesnt have to worry about it because he will take care of it all. So you are telling me stability is more important than wanting to find true love in life? Well, that is one of the reasons why, when I was a single gal, I planned my life so that I would never be economically dependent on another person. I don't know what the deal is with this woman. Maybe there is something broken in her, that she cannot find the strenght to leave someone who is abusive towards her? Maybe you (we) just don't really know the whole story of what has transpired between these two? Who knows. But - obviously - there are people of both genders who find love more important than "stability" (financial and otherwise) and vice versa. I'm sure that was just a rhetorical question on your part, wasn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 Look didnt mean to offend anyone. Maybe I should have worded the question differntly, but I was half liquored up. To me it is like this, I would rather have love and live in a cardboard box than live in a mansion and not have love. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Money talks.. always did.. always will... this is not uncommon.. many many women stay in a miserable M.. just because they are scared to be alone or not financially stable.. sad but true. Link to post Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 has she worked on her marriage?!?! Or just decided "Hey, I don't love him anymore! To hell with it!" sounds like there are two sides to every story, no?!? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 , I would rather have love and live in a cardboard box than live in a mansion and not have love. No worries...I understood where you were coming from -- and I wasn't even liquored up . I was too late to edit/add that it may depend much more on how well one's emotional, material, mental and spiritual needs are being met at any given time or, at least, the potential that exists for them to be met. For example, if your friend was in a position to fulfill her material/financial needs in a different way, she likely would not have made the choice that she did. Financial need is about basic survival, and "love" (whatever that means to an individual) is not. When we don't have to worry about if/when/how we will feed & clothe ourselves (and kids), and pay the bills, it is much easier to choose to satisfy a need that is higher on the hierarchy. It is sad that your friend doesn't have (or can't see) a better choice for herself, right now. I hope her situation improves in ways that she can perceive and take advantage of. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 The owner of my company once asked, "What does every person want?" His answer, "Everyone wants stability." This is not just a thing for women but women may be more likely to sell out for stability over love if they are either lazy, or insecure about themselves. They also may do this because they are unable to take care of themselves, for whatever reason, and are fearful of the future. But the flipside of that is that to some women, stability = love because without the stability, they feel incredibly threatened. Being single and sometimes struggling, it has taught me that I only have myself to depend on. And sometimes that's a frightening realization, especially with a child to take care of. But I would never stay with an abusive man out of fear for my survival. I know this because I was once with a verbally abusive person and walked out at a time when I not only didn't have a dime, but I had no job either. I've never given the stability thing much thought, though, in the sense that I would choose it over love. I put a huge amount of importance on love - probably too much, and I think it has been my downfall in many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 has she worked on her marriage?!?! Or just decided "Hey, I don't love him anymore! To hell with it!" sounds like there are two sides to every story, no?!? There's only one way to 'work on' a marriage that has violence and abuse in it - make a hasty exit. Love, stability, or the lack of both isn't even relevant. It's over. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have a friend who has been in a verbally and violent marriage for at least 17 years. She finally left him for two months, but went right back to him. She has admitted she doesnt love him, but from pressure from everyone she went back. People around me has told me that she mainly went back for the stability. On her own she has to worry about paying bills, money problems, etc, but with him she doesnt have to worry about it because he will take care of it all. So you are telling me stability is more important than wanting to find true love in life? She is suffering from abused woman syndrome. No I would never do what she is doing. I would not be able to bear lack of love in trade for stability. She probably has been made to beleive over the years that she is "unlovable". She may have always suffered low self-esteem and her H has fed these fears over the years. As for the violence part..crazy..I just will never understand why people stay in those situations. My H dared one time to threaten violence, and that is when he learned I can be scarier then he ever wanted to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 There's only one way to 'work on' a marriage that has violence and abuse in it - make a hasty exit. Love, stability, or the lack of both isn't even relevant. It's over. Yeah she has tried, and even finally made him go to counseling for 3 weeks. Call me a idiot, but I think it would take more than 3 weeks to solve 25 years of problems. She met him when she was 15 and he was 25 so to her he is a father figure which she has admitted. I guess my point is I would rather find true love and never have stability than live in a mansion and never know what real love is. Thats just me, and sometimes I belive I am in the 1% of the entire world that belives that. Link to post Share on other sites
Kindle Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Love does mean something. However, having been in an abusive relationship myself for a few years, i can tell you that you are often made to feel worthless, and that you cant cope on your own or without them. That said, she plucked up the courage to leave - something must have made her go back to him - ask yourself what was missing ? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 OP, you're confusing two unrelated issues. No, nothing is worth an abusive relationship. I won't enter into one. If, due to some freak of nature something bright and beautiful became abusive, I would be gone in a flash. As for love being important, absolutely! Maybe one day it will happen to me again. Until then, the freedom of being single isn't worth giving up. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Love means nothing to any of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I have a friend who has been in a verbally and violent marriage for at least 17 years. She finally left him for two months, but went right back to him. She has admitted she doesnt love him, but from pressure from everyone she went back. People around me has told me that she mainly went back for the stability. On her own she has to worry about paying bills, money problems, etc, but with him she doesnt have to worry about it because he will take care of it all. So you are telling me stability is more important than wanting to find true love in life? That's not "stability", that's dependence and finding looking after yourself is "just too much hard work". Sorry ned, but your friend chooses the easy option and putting up with the violence and abuse is the trade off she's prepared to pay for it (battered woman syndrome not withstanding). Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Oh...and I second Kamille - you draw quite a long bow from ONE woman you know........... At the end of the day....love IS all that matters (in it's many many forms) Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted August 3, 2008 Author Share Posted August 3, 2008 All I know is trying to help her has emotionally destroyed me. It is taking everything I have to remain supportive, but at the same time I want to scream and say are you stupid, wake up and grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 All I know is trying to help her has emotionally destroyed me. It is taking everything I have to remain supportive, but at the same time I want to scream and say are you stupid, wake up and grow up.Are you romantically invested in her? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 All I know is trying to help her has emotionally destroyed me. It is taking everything I have to remain supportive, but at the same time I want to scream and say are you stupid, wake up and grow up. ned, different situation for me but I know what you mean - I have someone I would love to be able to shake some sense into about what they're doing......... Unfortunately that wouldn't help...they have to open their eyes on their own Link to post Share on other sites
Equilibrium Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 All I know is trying to help her has emotionally destroyed me. It is taking everything I have to remain supportive, but at the same time I want to scream and say are you stupid, wake up and grow up. First post, been reading for a while now in the background, wanted to give my 2cents worth. ned, all you have to do for support is stay a friend and be there when she needs you, nothing more and nothing less. Make sure she knows and she will remember when the time is right for her. As for stability over love "No, not every woman will take stability" I should know. Learned to love self and went to work on my own stability. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 Are you romantically invested in her? Now that is the question, and the answer is yes, but let me explain. I love her as a friend and romantically, but have never and would never cross that line. I swear when I say this, if she were to tell me she was leaving her husband and moving away so she could finally learn to be own her on I would be the happiest person in the world. I mean it is hard as everything for me not to fuss at her every time I see her, because that is what I want to do. Will she ever learn, I doubt it. I just have to lean I have did all I can do, now its just up to a miracle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NedFlanders Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 ned, different situation for me but I know what you mean - I have someone I would love to be able to shake some sense into about what they're doing......... Unfortunately that wouldn't help...they have to open their eyes on their own Well this is the question, I want to know. How can I quit trying, and just finally realize they have to open their eyes on their own? Our mutual friends tell me just to foget about it, and I am like how? Shouldnt as a friend I be trying to convince her? Link to post Share on other sites
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