Desire for sexual variety within a long-term monogamous relationship?

[Mustang Sally]

I just read an interesting article on (secret) sexual desires of wives and husbands and it got me to thinking.

 

The slant was that the stereotype of the male "need variety, not monogamy" isn't just a male phenomenon inside of long-term monogamy. That many (long) married women ultimately desire sexual variety, as well.

 

Now, this is not about whether you would actually go forth and physically cheat on your spouse, and I hope it doesn't become (yet another) thread about the good/bad/ugly of cheating and people who do it. No, I'm talking about just having the (irrational?) DESIRE for variety. And I'm meaning variety that is not just different scenarios or positions played out with one's spouse, or an active sexual fantasy life.

 

This topic hits home for me, because I, personally, have stuggled with this although, ironically, my husband insists and insists that he does NOT have any inkling of this kind of desire, whatsoever (uh....yeah right ).

 

So, tell me. If you are a married person (or have been in a fairly lengthy monogamous relationship), do you have any (latent/surprising/repressed/etc.) desire for....well, just for some-thing/one different? Even if you would never in this lifetime or the next go through with cheating?

 

It reminds me of the scene from EyesWideShut where the Tom Cruise character is listening to the Nicole Kidman character describe an intense desire for another man that she had during their marriage. She describes how she felt so strongly the desire for this other man (a stranger in this case, though my question is not limited to the desire for strangers) that for a brief moment she would have risked it all - her marriage, her children's security within that marriage - for one encounter with this man. But she doesn't. That his wife (madonna/whore, anyone?) could feel this type of desire comes as a complete surprise to the TC character.

 

Any thoughts from either perspective - husband or wife?

[Mustang Sally]

Oh. And one last bit of information. My understanding was that the desire was common independent of what the sexual frequency/satisfaction levels were in the relationship.

[StartingOver07]

I'll bite.

 

I desire both variety within the relationship and occasionally, outside of it (although I have not acted on this). I think my desire for someone different would disappear if I could have more of the something different within the r/s.

 

It sometimes seems to me that there is some cosmic mismatch happening between libido levels, desire for experimentation, etc. among married couples.

[Walk]

I've had a desire for the excitment that comes from interacting with someone different.

 

I've been with my H for nearly 5 years, and I have absolutely no complaints about his prowess in bed. Just want to state that up front.

 

However, something about that intense spark, that overwhelming of the senses when with some one unknown, heightened sense of awareness and anticipation. In order to re-capture that type of intensity in a long term relationship both partners have to put in quite a bit of effort... and when you're talking about dealing with bills, chores, work, stress, etc... its hard to find that singular focus on thrilling sex.

 

I think its laziness on my part.

 

I was thinking about dying my hair to give a sense of "different" person in the bedroom - for my H.

 

I've also found that most men are rather lazy when it comes to initiating variety in the bedroom. Unless you count their attempts at gaining access to a different hole. I think women try harder to keep it spiced up (general impression). I notice the novelty stores sell role playing outfits for women (waitress, barmaid, etc), but I don't recall seeing any role playing outfits for men to wear to introduce variety. Have you? Plus there's a surplus of stores catering to sexy outfits for women to wear for men, but I have yet to see a store geared for me to add variety to a relationship. Unless you count porn shops, but that isn't about the fantasy of variety, its more about the mechanics of getting off (i.e. vibrators etc). But nothing really jumps out at me as specifically designed For Women to play up to a fantasy of having sex with some one different.

[Mustang Sally]

It sometimes seems to me that there is some cosmic mismatch happening between libido levels, desire for experimentation, etc. among married couples.

Ha!

Aye, that....

 

I think my desire for someone different would disappear if I could have more of the something different within the r/s.

Interesting take.

So do you think it might really just come down to the ole' "women need emotion" blah-blah? And if that's all cool, then we will never have a stray thought?

 

Rats. And here I thought I just had an inner "vixen" struggling to get out...

[Lizzie60]

with my first ex (common-law for 18 years) .. I would say that for the first 6 years.. I had absolutely no fantasies, desire for any thing/one.. none.

 

but.. then I started to fall OUT of love with him... I was bored.. but I didn't think about going outside or any fantasies...

 

It started when I quit smoking (yes ).. and my whole body changed.. and I started to get hit on a daily basis by men... (that wasn't happening before I quit smoking.. I was a 'plain Jane'.. very ordinary...average)... then .. since I was bored at home and had no sexual desires for my partner I started to fantasize about other men.. only then.. about 2 years before I actually left him...

 

Strange...

 

With my second ex.. I never even thought of other men.. he was all I wanted.. and needed...

 

so IMO.. only when we're bored or out of love with our partner do we actually fantasize about others... I think..

[Rooster_DAR]

I think we all have the propensity to feel attraction to more than one person, it's part of our biology.

 

Sometimes I wonder if swingers have the right idea.

[Mustang Sally]

I've had a desire for the excitment that comes from interacting with someone different.

 

...something about that intense spark, that overwhelming of the senses when with some one unknown, heightened sense of awareness and anticipation.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

I think you've hit on it, at least for me.

What the hell is UP with that? Jeez. How much more stereotypical could I get? (Can you say MIDLIFE CRISIS?)

 

In order to re-capture that type of intensity in a long term relationship both partners have to put in quite a bit of effort...

Eh.

Honestly? I don't even think it's possible in some cases.

 

I think its laziness on my part.

I hear what you are saying, but for me it's more that I just can't suspend the disbelief...you know? I can't make my H NOT someone that I know exceedingly well. There's just no mystery or new discovery there. Now, I'm not saying that I don't appreciate the comfort of the comfortable that we do have, because, as I've realized lately, I actually DO. More than I thought I did, for quite some time. And as far as trying to be "inventive" in the bedroom...well, I can't think of a whole lot that I/we/he haven't been open to exploring (except dressing-up/role play. Again - I can't suspend the disbelief. It just makes me laugh...seems silly.)

 

Unless you count their attempts at gaining access to a different hole.

Ha!

True, that....

 

I think women try harder to keep it spiced up (general impression). I notice the novelty stores sell role playing outfits for women (waitress, barmaid, etc), but I don't recall seeing any role playing outfits for men to wear to introduce variety. Have you?

No, now that you mention it, I haven't.

But again, I refer you to my personal bias with dressing-up scenarios, above.

 

Plus there's a surplus of stores catering to sexy outfits for women to wear for men, but I have yet to see a store geared for me to add variety to a relationship. Unless you count porn shops, but that isn't about the fantasy of variety, its more about the mechanics of getting off (i.e. vibrators etc). But nothing really jumps out at me as specifically designed For Women to play up to a fantasy of having sex with some one different.

Interesting thoughts.

I would guess the women = sexy outfits -thing is about "men are visual." Most of what I've seen about "spicing it up" includes role play, taking "romantic" vacations, different positions, etc.

[Mustang Sally]

so IMO.. only when we're bored or out of love with our partner do we actually fantasize about others... I think..

Hmmm.

I know you've shared that opinion with me before, Lizzie. And I think in some situations you are right about this being the cause for the feelings. Undoubtedly so.

 

But I guess I just don't (want to) believe that that is the only scenario within which one might have these types of thoughts.

[Mustang Sally]

I think we all have the propensity to feel attraction to more than one person, it's part of our biology.

Yes. This is what I'm wondering about, Rooster.

 

Sometimes I wonder if swingers have the right idea.

Yikes!

I'm not sure I'd take it that far, though...

[StartingOver07]

Interesting take.

So do you think it might really just come down to the ole' "women need emotion" blah-blah? And if that's all cool, then we will never have a stray thought?

 

Rats. And here I thought I just had an inner "vixen" struggling to get out...

 

Far be it from me to say that you don't have an inner vixen!

 

You mentioned that your husband says he has no similar desires. My husband says the same. I'm not convinced he isn't telling the truth, even though I know that the popular thought is to assume he's "protecting" me somehow. But protecting me from what? He has asked me before if I am bored, but when I suggest things we could do that might push the envelope a bit he does not respond. My husband would be perfectly content if we had sex the same way each time. In fact, I can pretty much predict exactly how it's going to go.

 

In any case, for me, this has nothing to do with wanting more emotion, I want more spice!

[Rooster_DAR]

I think we all have the propensity to feel attraction to more than one person, it's part of our biology.

Yes. This is what I'm wondering about, Rooster.

 

 

Yikes!

I'm not sure I'd take it that far, though...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

[Mustang Sally]

You mentioned that your husband says he has no similar desires. My husband says the same. I'm not convinced he isn't telling the truth, even though I know that the popular thought is to assume he's "protecting" me somehow.

I have no idea if my H is telling the truth or not. Frankly, I could see it either way. I don't know why he would feel he needs to lie to me about this...I fully expect him to have desire/thoughts/fantasies for and about other people...I mean, I guess I thought that was normal. But he will NOT acknowledge it.

<shrugging>

Whatever.

 

He has asked me before if I am bored, but when I suggest things we could do that might push the envelope a bit he does not respond. My husband would be perfectly content if we had sex the same way each time. In fact, I can pretty much predict exactly how it's going to go.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I feel for you. I would be unsatisfied with that, as well.

 

In any case, for me, this has nothing to do with wanting more emotion, I want more spice!

Yeah. I guess I'm just a brain-chemical addict. I want the rush again.

I don't feel the rush.

Bah! I need to get over myself.

[StartingOver07]

Yeah. I guess I'm just a brain-chemical addict. I want the rush again.

I don't feel the rush.

Bah! I need to get over myself.

 

Oh, the rush is wonderful! I want the rush, too. But I am not sure how feasible that is within the r/s. Because the rush isn't just about your discovery of a new man, it's seeing yourself through his eyes as he makes the discovery of you.

[Walk]

so IMO.. only when we're bored or out of love with our partner do we actually fantasize about others... I think..

 

For me it isn't always a sign of some impending doom.. I might be less then focused on the excitment at the time but it doesn't necessarily correlate to me being bored.

 

I have noticed though that an increase in 'stranger' fantasies usually correlates to how confident I feel at a particular time. Usually the less confident the more fantasies, more confident the less use of fantasies. Directly porportional to how I view my body. i.e. ugly and fat, or hot and sexy. When I'm not feeling up to standards I tend to resort to fantasies to remove my head from the reality of my body. The cockier I feel about my body, the more pleasure I derive from being in the "here and now" of the experience.

[Mustang Sally]

Oh, the rush is wonderful! I want the rush, too. But I am not sure how feasible that is within the r/s. Because the rush isn't just about your discovery of a new man, it's seeing yourself through his eyes as he makes the discovery of you.

I see what you mean.

And no. I don't think it's worth it. Definitely not.

 

But, for example, I got that tingly, bottom-dropping-out-of-your stomach feeling during a racy scene in a movie we were watching the other night. ( What can I say? It was some good acting/cinematography!) When it was over, we had some pretty frantic/heated sex. I was into it, so was he. But still. No tingly feeling. Maybe I have brain-chemical depletion sexually where my H is concerned? Again. I'm not saying that it's never good sex. It is. But I'm amazed at these stories of people married for decades who still get tingly for each other.

Incredible!

What's the secret?

[Mustang Sally]

I have noticed though that an increase in 'stranger' fantasies usually correlates to how confident I feel at a particular time. Usually the less confident the more fantasies, more confident the less use of fantasies. Directly porportional to how I view my body. i.e. ugly and fat, or hot and sexy. When I'm not feeling up to standards I tend to resort to fantasies to remove my head from the reality of my body. The cockier I feel about my body, the more pleasure I derive from being in the "here and now" of the experience.

Amazing, Walk! Are you in my head or something?

I concur with your assessment. If I've had a "hot" day (my thoughts about myself - doesn't matter what anyone else says about how I look...is that weird? Probably!) I feel the same way. True also, when I feel bloated and unattractive.

[Mustang Sally]

Any other men want to chime in here?

Just being equal-opportunity and all...

[luvstarved]

Gee, I agree with Lizzie. How rare!

 

I have been through all of that,wanting someone new,being bored with current mate, blah blah.

 

In the end, looking back on it, wanting someone new did always coincide with having irrevocably lost interest in my partner.

 

I think of that now as a function of my youth. The thing with me now is,

I had a wild youth. And being a woman, it was no challenge at all to get

laid, and not much of a challenge to get laid by anyone I wanted. I had

an open marriage that lasted 5 years,and I got laid a LOT by a LOT of different partners...virtually every shiny thing that caught my eye.

 

I went through a briefer period of this later on when I was single for a time.

 

All that pretty much cured me of the wanting someone new thing. For one thing, a lot of the tingliness ended when it was no longer anticipation but was actual doing. Not always, but more and more as time went on.

 

At some point, there is only so much variety out there. I actually got to the point of feeling like I knew what a guy would be like in bed so to pursue it seemed kind of pointless...if "newness" was the goal.

 

My H had much fewer partners and I hate to say but I think that he is very caught up in thinking of other women but he too will not admit it. He has already decided that I am not mature enough to hear that.

 

I have been on his side of being bored and it sucks being on this side of it, because being someone new is the only thing one cannot do.

 

He has not cheated and swears he never would. I personally think he is as ripe as a spotted banana for an affair but to tell him that comes off as an accusation and I suppose at some level it is. More like a prediction.

 

Anyway I do understand the newness thing ...but it seems to me that at some point you get saturated with it and....there really isn't anything new to find.

 

What would be new for me would be to have a really really deep and intimate interpersonal relationship, not just the crap where you end up going to OTHER people to have your SO explained to you, instead of THEM.

 

I have been clinging to that for a long time but am about to let it go...

in fact, I smell a divorce in my future. Grrrrrr.

[Mr. Lucky]

Any other men want to chime in here?

Just being equal-opportunity and all...

I think us guys have to be VERY careful how we would present this kind of sentiment to our wives. It's a naural thing to wonder "what if" but vocalizing that thought could really come back to haunt you .

 

I did quite a bit of business travel during years 5 thru 10 of our marriage (7-year itch, anyone ?) and I used to wonder, if you totally removed the idea of crime and punishment - in other words, if you knew you wouldn't get caught - what I'd do during some of those lonely nights on the road. It was interesting to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

But, for example, I got that tingly, bottom-dropping-out-of-your stomach feeling during a racy scene in a movie we were watching the other night. ( What can I say? It was some good acting/cinematography!)

Are you going to share the movie title with us ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ruby Slippers]

I think I'm in the minority all around because except for the one relationship I had that had almost entirely disappointing sex, I have never had any desire to be with anyone else during a relationship, and I am rendered pretty much incapable of viewing other people in a sexual way when in love. In fact, I seem to only want the guy MORE as we go along! I think it's because the more emotionally secure I feel, the more comfortable and open I am all around and the more I want to delve into the feelings and passion. Granted, my longest relationship was 3 1/2 years, so not that long.

 

I think it's hard to find a partner who truly prizes loyalty anymore. It's almost as if everyone expects things not to last and no one even believes in the concept of true loyalty.

[carhill]

Abnormal guy here, but never any fantasies/ogling/flirting about/at/with other women until my wife started ignoring me and distancing herself emotionally from me while I was caring for my mother. I only experience attraction amongst women I know well, two of which I've mentioned on these forums. I'm just not wired up to do random. Probably never will be.

[Mustang Sally]

Anyway I do understand the newness thing ...but it seems to me that at some point you get saturated with it and....there really isn't anything new to find.

I think this is a wise voice of experience.

Certainly, it is true that though the grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence, there are always weeds there, too.

 

What would be new for me would be to have a really really deep and intimate interpersonal relationship, not just the crap where you end up going to OTHER people to have your SO explained to you, instead of THEM.

It is a wonderful thing - that kind of deep emotional connection.

 

I guess I am wondering if, maybe for some, there can develop a disconnect, if you will, between the emotional and physical in a long term (loving) relationship? Or is is always a sign of "bored/worn-out/broken and need to move on"?

 

Kind of like the old argument of higher human thought/emotional development vs base animalistic urges.

[Mustang Sally]

I think us guys have to be VERY careful how we would present this kind of sentiment to our wives. It's a naural thing to wonder "what if" but vocalizing that thought could really come back to haunt you .

I can understand this.

 

I also think it is true for gals being careful about discussing this with husbands, wouldn't you say?

 

I did quite a bit of business travel during years 5 thru 10 of our marriage (7-year itch, anyone ?) and I used to wonder, if you totally removed the idea of crime and punishment - in other words, if you knew you wouldn't get caught - what I'd do during some of those lonely nights on the road. It was interesting to think about...

It is interesting to think about.

 

But I think for a lot of people, removing the crime and punishment is still not enough. The guilty conscience would still be there and the acknowledgement of that fact is enough to deter actually carrying out any action.

 

But, to my original point, isn't the desire for, or thought of, someone different still there for most people?