was it a mistake..

[Josephson]

I recently, about a month ago, got married, and now I am scared it may have been a mistake. So.. I guess I am looking for advice, I don't know.

 

Our background... My wife and I are both 23. We have been together for a year and 3 months or so. We were engaged after 7 months, but I had bought a ring after about 4 months. The space inbetween because I wasn't sure. Even at proposal I still didn't feel 100% about what I wanted, but I felt I needed to go ahead because it was what I was "supposed" to do.

 

When we first met, I was incredibly attracted to her. She was confident, unique, beautiful, and sassy. I realize people change, but I feel like she is not at all the person I originally fell in love with. Don't get me wrong, I still love her very much... Just, she's not the same. Since then, she seems to be very insecure, put on lots of weight, and does no activity outside of what I do. I also later, after enagagement, found out some things I thought were true to be false - her graduating from college. I saw these changes before we were married, but I thought they would go away.

 

To further complicate things are our backgrounds. I came from a very strict conservative background, and she did not. I had no sexual experience before her, and she has had quite a bit. That in itself doesn't bother me. What does is that now, I am alot less interested in sex than she is. We have very limited sexual contact especially for a newlywed couple. It's not that I don't enjoy it, just that I generally am not interested. I am afraid that it is because I might be losing physical attraction to her as she gains weight and random insecurities.

 

Early in our relationship, and another short flareup later on, I had a small porn problem. Since then, she daily checks history on the computer and gets onto me for anything she finds objectional. She knows I find women that are inshape attractive, and because of this gets onto me for visiting sites that are health/fitness based - including looking for diet/fitness tips. She gets visibly upset anytime there are other women around that she feels are more attractive than her, or that I might find attractive, and gets cold and distant to me.

 

I have never been unfaithful, nor given her any reason to feel I might be, but I feel I am treated as though I have. I am given no privacy or my own things at all. I don't know how to address these things, because I feel it would crush her, which is the last thing I want. I do love her with all that I am, but I miss the person she was. I'm scared that the person I married is not her, or that maybe the her that I am referring to didn't really exist at all.

 

I feel like I have just rambled and complained here. That really is not my intent. I worried and scared and unsure of what to do. Help?

[Staring]

It sounds like she was acting a certain way before to gain approval and after she married she feels like she has it so the changes... if you want her in shape just say u care about her future health and quality of life and she should go to the gym and if you invite her to go with you... how could she say no... unless she is really lazy 0_0

[whichwayisup]

You two owe it to eachother to give it your best. Get to marriage counselling, learn how to communicate and really listen to eachother.

 

Maybe you both should have done some premarital counselling before getting married.

[Mr. Lucky]

I I have never been unfaithful, nor given her any reason to feel I might be, but I feel I am treated as though I have.

No you haven't been unfaithful, but............

 

She knows you don't find her attractive.

 

You're not interested in sex with her.

 

And you're substituting porn for intimacy and connection.

 

If you were her, what impressions would you get?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Walk]

I think your wife has had severe issues of self-confidence the entire relationship. You said she lied about graduating from college. It leads me to believe that shes willing to hide anything she feels may reflect negatively on her. Its hard to trust someone who isn't honest about their past and there's no real reason to lie about graduating or not graduating. You two need to regain that trust, or the relationship will end.

 

I think you need to fully explore all the areas that your wife has mislead you on. It almost appears that she intentionally mislead you in order to get you to marry her. I hate to think that, but her actions are rather... odd.

 

I guess all I'm saying is I can understand why you are having misgivings about having married her. Hind sight is 20-20. All you can do at this point is attempt to fix the issues and move forward. Go to marriage counseling, get her into individual counseling. That's the best advice I can give for this situation.

[stillafool]

She has put on a lot of weight in just one month? I think you should talk to her about your concerns. Tell her you feel as if you have been deceived because she lied about her degree. Tell her all the things you have said here. I think you guys were probably too young and didn't know enought about each other and got married too soon. Also, why are you not interested in sex with your new bride? But, you look at porn. This is not fair to her and is causing her to be insecure I'm sure. Since you haven't had that much sexual experience and have only been married for a month it seems you would be raring to go.

[torranceshipman]

Oh God man, this was a stellar mistake - you're only 23, get out there and enjoy your life - can you get the marriage annulled? I know other posters will say different but I say divorce - sounds like this is going nowhere and the simple fact is, if you'd dated a couple of years and got to know her properly you'd have broken up with her, not married her!

 

Dude you only get to live your early 20's once - get out there and live your life and have fun...chalk this one down to experience. Now is not the time to be saddled to an insecure woman who you are not attracted to and who lied to you about fundamentals such as graduating from college. She doesnt have any other interests, monitors your internet usage, has put on a lot of weight in a very short time...yea yea, love conquers all and in te scheme of things the weght gain etc is not a real biggie, but its n the overall context of this whole situation which is very wrong...but this is not a situation where you've been married 10yrs and have 4 kids - get out now when the least collatoral damage has been done. Sounds like marriage was a mistake but you can fix this as best you can - and preferably before there is a kid inthe picture.