Wife looking for answers: Why is husband doing what he's doing?

[mjnv]

Hi,

 

I never thought I would be posting in this forum, but after reading some of the threads I thought that me asking the OW or former OW will help me understand what's going on. I am not here to fight, I'm here to understand your perspective and hope you guys can help me understand what my husband and the OW is doing.

 

Well first, we've got 2 very young children and have been separated for over a year. We haven't talked to each other for months. Occasionally, the OW will try to contact me through e-mail or add me as "friend" on windows live or something similar to that. I don't respond...

 

My husband and the OW both changed their numbers one time and I knew in my gut that something was extremely wrong. I'll give you a little background info leading to the change of numbers.

 

Before that happened I was trying to get my husband to look over some paper work regarding the children. he changed his number before (I had not been harrasing him or anything like that) and found out his new number when the OW called me and we talked. He seemed a little angry that I was trying to move somewhere w/the kids (to get help and have a better life) and one of the things he told me was "I'll sign those papers if you sign the divorce papers" and I told him "no, I'm not going to sign it uncontested, you send them to me and I'll look overthem with my attorney. Then one of the weirdest things he said to me was "well if you move over there, you know I still can get a divorce here (the U.S.)" and I told him I knew that but he would have to serve me first.

 

Well about a month after that I get to talk to some family membbers of the OW and tell them who I am, about the kids, etc. We were all very civilized and I told them I wasn't calling to bash him, but to let them know a wife and 2 babies exist. Yes my husband was so pissed off.

 

Well around the time I was planning to leave and live in a brand new place, I checked and tried to call him and noticed he changed his number (this was about 1.5 mos AFTER I spoke with the OW's family, no she's not married) and she changed her number too. Then I find out he filed for a divorce, I guess pretending not to know where I lived so I wouldn't get properly served.

 

His divorce complaint was kind of off. He put the wrong date of our marriage, but correct birthdates for our kids. Said he will pay child support LATER and lied about how many months we've been separated. I was shocked b/c it didn't make sense. He has been married before and his xwife was the one to file, but she waited 18 mos. to file (law in that state when it comes to separation and no sex) and he didn't even do anything himself while he was waiting for the 18th month to arrive.

 

He could've gotten a valid complaint if he filed for general indignities (like irreconcilable differences but you have to prove it) but why didn't he?

 

Anyhow, I didn't file a response right away...I waited almost 2 weeks. Then I decided to file a motion to dismiss b/c I felt if he wanted a divorce, then he's gotta do it the right way.

 

Well, my husband had a total of 50 days to amend his complaint, even to change the grounds from separation to general indignities, but didn't do anything!

 

Child support hasn't been served to him yet but will be soon.

 

He also lied on his papers stating he did not have a job (probably didn't have a steady one at the time b/c he was trying to move to another state but lost his house (nothing expensive though and his vehicle was repossessed).

 

So the case was dismissed. Still haven't spoken to him but I know he knows b/c he's good at following up with things like that.

 

Lately the OW tried to add me as a friend on Windows Live to invite me to check out her personal space...

 

I guess my questions are:

 

Why is the OW STILL trying to get me to contact her in any shape, form, or fashion?

 

Why DIDN'T my husband amend his complaint even though he was given 50 days to do so?

 

Doesn't he even think of our children?

 

Does he really want a divorce?

 

During the past year I found a really decent paying job and am going back to school. (I am a college graduate, but going back for the medical field) and just enjoying life and watching my kids grow up.

 

What do you all think?

 

I would really love your insight on this.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like your H is a real jerk. Maybe some of the ow here can help you. I am not sure that you will ever get the answers that satisfy your soul. God bless you and your children.

[Tomcat33]

Hi mjnv and welcome to the board. So were they together before he moved out or did he meet her after he seperated with you?

 

 

The feeling I kept having as I read about his actions regarding the D is that your husband keeps making these mistakes on the D forms because he is wanting them to be dismissed, ie. he prob doesn't want the D firmly to be proceeded with.

Or it could be he is under a lot of pressure/stress emotionally and he is just being careless as a product of that. IMO

 

I think he must feel pressure to be with his OW so he knows that if he doesn't proceed with D you he might lose her, but he may not be 100% convinced that he is ready to close the door for good.

 

In terms of her MSN space, you got me there. NO clue why she would want to add you there, that is bizzare.

 

Can I please ask you something that would shed more light in the pattern of his actions? Have you tried seperating before or did he have the affair and he was found out and now he wants a D? So basically how long have they been together and has it been without interruptions or has there been some back and forth. I'll explain once you answer why I am asking this.

[Ronni_W]

I tend to agree with Tomcat about how your ex is handling his side of divorce proceedings -- she could be pressuring him to get it finalized, but perhaps he does not wish to put himself in position of being "free to marry". (NOT necessarily that he doesn't want a divorce from you, just that he may suspect that it will only lead to a different pressure on himself, from her.)

 

Unfortunately, you are being caught up in whatever is going on for the two of them, about that; as well as being a pawn in his 'game' -- as he currently has it set-up, he has the best of all worlds while you are struggling with questions and confusion, and his g/f might be struggling with doubts and anxiety.

 

Which, I suspect it's her doubts and anxiety causing her to want to develop some kind of (warped, IMO) relationship with you. I think you are totally correct to just ignore any contact from her.

 

He likely is very happy with his current level of relationship with her, and possibly that is causing it to seem as if he is not giving due care and concern for your kids. (Or, he's just a self-centred individual who doesn't have much capacity to be caring and concerned for most anyone else.)

 

All are just possibilities, of course. Only he (and she) know for sure what the heck outcomes they are aiming for.

[Terminator]

Here's a thought - why don't you try ASKING them ? Your questions are too specific to your particular case for posters here to be really able to offer much insight into "why they do what they do".

 

As fas as what your H is up to, you would know him best.

 

I am assuming you are or have moved countries? Why not let him have his D? Why play all these games?

 

Do you think all OW are alike that OW on this board would have some special psychic ability to be able to tell you why your OW does what she does?

[LakesideDream]

Wow, this is a different post. The wife and kids have moved to another country? Husband is still in the USA? He won't have any trouble getting a divorce here in the USA. He doesen't even need a lawyer if he has few, or no assets (repo'd car). The wife also shouldn't be expecting child support either. International child support orders are impossible to enforce.

 

I can't understand either why the wife is hesitating on the divorce. Obviously she doesen't want to be married to this guy. It also sounds like he's already moved on emotionally. Combine that with her moving on contenintally (where has she moved to?) and it seems as dead as it gets.

 

BTW maybe the "OW" is just trying to keep in contact for the kid's sake. I don't understand that stuff at all. This is a weird break up.

[wildsoul]

Instead of asking questions about what they are thinking and strategizing like a game of chess, I would like to suggest a better question.

 

How can I clean this situation up and make it better?

 

It seems to me that most your other questions are all about making it more complicated. And while I don't know why the OW is contacting you specifically, it's obvious that it's about the cat/mouse game of divorce and custody you and your H are playing.

 

The simplifed approach I would take would be:

 

1. Agree to the divorce! And be gracious about it, because it's over.

 

2. Work out a fair child support agreement.

 

3. Work out an agreement for visitation.

 

4. Move on.

 

This drama is unhealthy for you, the kids, everyone. Holding on is NOT going to fix your marriage at this point. It's just going to make you sick. Let it go. Save your energy for healing yourself and rebuilding anew. Stop the downward spiral now.

[Angel1111]

As I tell my son when he does something that I want him to stop doing - I don't care why. I will listen to the 'why' part for a second but it still doesn't matter - I still want the behavior to stop. So, again, I really don't care why.

 

I think this applies in your case. It doesn't matter why he's acting this way, he just is. There is no understanding why a man doesn't care to see his children, or why any other woman would want to be with a man who makes these kinds of choices. If I were with a man who didn't want to provide for and have a relationship with his kids, I'd be out the door.

 

If you really want answers, then why not talk to the OW? For some unknown reason, she seems intent on keeping the lines of communication open with you. Why not take her up on it?

 

Like several others have said, stop complicating this mess. It's like a silly power play between you two and you're constantly at a stalemate. But it does keep the conflict alive, and a somewhat cold and sick connection to one another. But if you're thinking he's doing all this because he's really nuts about you and wants to put the divorce on hold, I would not recommend that you let yourself start thinking like that. He's involved with someone else and has broken ties with his kids. What else do you really need to know about this person? Divorce him on any grounds you can think of - just divorce him.

[mjnv]

Hi thanks for replying everyone.

 

No, I actually did not move out of the country but decided to stay here b/c of school.

 

LakeSideDream-I do still want to be married...right now it's anything but a marriage, but I would like to reconcile. We haven't talked in almost 8 mos...he changed his number but has my number and e-mail address. Why should the OW feel the need to try to contact me for the sake of the kids? That is not her responsibility, but his.

 

Terminator-I have not talked with him in almost 8 months. He's the one who changed his number. No, I don't think all OW are alike. But I do believe OW can help me understand better...

 

Ronnie_W-Yes, you're right on that...only they know what their own personal goals are. Yeah, I really don't know why she would want to contact me again after 8 mos...

 

Tomcat33-We were staying at a relative's house b/c we lived in a very bad neighborhood and he wante to find a better place to live. First he would sleep with me and our son at their house every night..then it turned into "I'm going over to sleep at my sister's house b/c the woman of this house does not keep the house clean, etc."

 

Then, he was only sleeping with us like 1-2 times a week. I was pregnant with our second child at the time and found out for sure he was cheating when I checked myself into the hospital and found out he gave me an STD. (Trich)

 

I believe they had been "talking" about 1-2 mos. before I found out. When I did talk with her though, she told me they were officially together 2 weeks before we separated.

 

They have been together for a little over a year. I believe it has been on and off (according to her personal space on the web).

 

I have though recently found out and cell number and did not call, but sent a text using non-emotional words letting him know of an intermediary that he can contact when it comes to the children and a number on where to reach my attorney if he decides to file again in the near future and that's it. I was expecting him to change his number, but he hasn't.

[Nevermind]

I do still want to be married...right now it's anything but a marriage, but I would like to reconcile.

 

Why?

 

He cheated. He gave you an STD. He doesn't behave like an adult (numbers changing etc). He doesn't seem to care about his children.

 

Why do you want to be married to this man? (I understand the feeling, but ask yourself this.) What good does he do to your life and the lives of your children?

[mjnv]

wildsoul-I doubt he wants custody of the kids, b/c he has kids and never fought for them.

 

Angel1111-I don't think he's nuts about me, b/c if he was he wouldn't be with her but with me and our kids.

 

But if he really wanted a divorce, then why didn't he MAKE SURE to get it done right the first time? (ex. a TRUE valid grounds for divorce)

 

Thanks for your replies.

[mjnv]

If you all were in my shoes and this was your husband and your kids what would you do?

 

Nevermind-Good question, though. Right now just simply the fact that he is the father of my kids and would like to get through this.

[wildsoul]

But if he really wanted a divorce, then why didn't he MAKE SURE to get it done right the first time? (ex. a TRUE valid grounds for divorce)

I think it's a HUGE mistake to assume that him not getting papers done correctly means he doesn't want a divorce!

 

My hunch is that you are looking for any glimmer of hope to hang on to.

 

You've got to wake up and assume that divorce papers = he wants a divorce. Period. Let go.

 

If he wanted to reconcile HE WOULD BE TELLING YOU SO. It really is that simple. I think your fear about letting go is causing you to hold on. Yes, it will hurt. But this just seems like it's going to slow down your healing. Later, you'll be remarried and looking back saying, "Damn, baby. Why did I drag that out with my X for so long? We could've been together sooner!"

[GreenEyedLady]

If you all were in my shoes and this was your husband and your kids what would you do?

 

Nevermind-Good question, though. Right now just simply the fact that he is the father of my kids and would like to get through this.

 

I would have left and filed first. As it turned out, I did leave, but my XH beat me to the punch and filed first (no I didn't cheat).

 

Sorry, but I think it's obvious he wants a divorce. He's changed his number how many times?

 

As for the wrong paperwork, I'd bet he doesn't have an attorney.

 

If you're tired of the invites change your email address.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, but you need to take charge of your life and do things that are going to make you feel better.

 

GEL

[stillafool]

Here's a thought - why don't you try ASKING them ? Your questions are too specific to your particular case for posters here to be really able to offer much insight into "why they do what they do".

 

As fas as what your H is up to, you would know him best.

 

I am assuming you are or have moved countries? Why not let him have his D? Why play all these games?

 

Do you think all OW are alike that OW on this board would have some special psychic ability to be able to tell you why your OW does what she does?

 

I have to agree with this. Why not just give him a divorce and move on. Do you want him back? I think he is taking 50 days because you are out of the country and that can make you "out of mind" (including the kids). It would seem if he were still interested in keeping in touch (at least with the kids) he wouldn't have changed his phone number. I think the OW is just being mean to you and wants you to see her. I'm glad you are enjoying your new life and if I were you I would sign those papers, get child support and continue on with your new life.

[Ladyjane14]

I guess my questions are:

 

Why is the OW STILL trying to get me to contact her in any shape, form, or fashion?

 

She's probably trying to check out his story.

It's your choice if you want to pick up the phone or answer an email. You don't have to if you don't feel like it. Chances are, she'll be combative and not believe you anyway. But, even if she rejects it at first, hearing the truth is going to wear on her.

 

Why DIDN'T my husband amend his complaint even though he was given 50 days to do so?

 

Doesn't he even think of our children?

 

Does he really want a divorce?

 

You already know the answers to all those questions.

Think about it. Divorces aren't that hard to get. If he really wanted one, he'd have it by now. So, there's either one of two things going on. Either he's unsure about losing you... or he's unsure about keeping her, because if he went through with the divorce, there wouldn't be any excuse not to solidify his relationship with OW.

 

And as far as the kids are concerned. No... he's not thinking about them. If he were, he'd still be seeing them regularly, calling them on the phone, and SUPPORTING them both emotionally and financially.

[Virgo1982]

I think TomCat is right or he made a mistake in the paper work. If you want something done right, do it yourself.

 

Don't let him disrespect you any further. Make moves to put them behind you.

 

His OW probably has the same questions you do. What other reason does she have to contact you? To meet for tea and crumpets? Catch up on old times? Find out where you got that one handbag? I don't think so.

[stillafool]

I think you are holding on to a glimmer of hope also. Why? This guy has not shown you he wants you back. If you read this forum you will see most OW complaining that when caught their MM runs back to his W. He would have been begging and pleading with you to take him back by now. He may be stalling because when he does file that's when the money will start to roll out of his pockets. Why haven't you filed for child support yet?

 

You have to convince yourself you deserve to be loved and treated better. You have started a new life now so leave him alone. Let her have him since she already has him. This guy doesn't even care about his kids if he can go that long without talking to them.

 

I thought you said you moved to another country. If not, then that's your answer. You have been here and he still doesn't want to see you and the kids. The writing is on the wall "SIGN THE PAPERS AND MOVE ON".

[stillafool]

One reason the OW may be trying to contact you is about the kids. She probably does fill guilty about him not having a relationship with them anymore and wants to rectify that. I don't think I'd be too eager or happy to let the OW spend time with my kids. Ignore her.

[Angel1111]

If you all were in my shoes and this was your husband and your kids what would you do?

 

I have been in a similar situation and I can tell you for sure what I'd do - I'd make sure the divorce happened fast and would make sure he was ordered to pay child support.

 

When someone changes their numbers, it's a dead give-away that they want no contact whatsoever and, if I were you - no matter how it hurt, I would give him exactly what he wanted and would let my lawyer handle all contact with him from that point foward. None of us can coerce someone into coming back to us and we cannot make them make better decisions about their kids, or about anything else for that matter. No matter what you want or how you feel about him, I think you would be much better off acknowledging his choice in this matter and walking away.

[mjnv]

No, I did not move outof the country.

 

Yes, I have filed child support.

 

I believe he thought or still thinks I am out of the country. B/c the very last time I had a conversation with him I told him I need to do what I need to do for me and the kids not to struggle and I needed help. And told him if he decides to file to send it to the address I gave him and my attorney will be in contact with him and that was it.

 

He called me a couple of times (tried to but I turned my phone off and decided I didn't want to talk to him anymore unless it was really toward working on something or to discuss a divorce) and he just left a text message letting me know he called.

[mjnv]

I've got another question...how long do affairs last and is it common to be an "on/off" thing?

[GreenEyedLady]

I've got another question...how long do affairs last and is it common to be an "on/off" thing?

 

It depends on the R.

 

Our R is a healthy, happy one and they separated when we'd been together almost 3 years.

 

Some R's are short-term and don't last long. Some last over 5+ years and result in the MM leaving. Some result in the OW leaving the R. Sometimes the BS leaves, but that doesn't seem to happen that often.

 

From what I've seen, the MM keeps going back to the OW when she breaks up with him. There are some instances this doesn't happen, but most stories I've read/know, the MM tries to keep it going as long as he can. So if that's what you mean by on/off, then the answer is yes.

 

I don't see why'd you want to be the consolation prize if she/he dumps the other.

 

He's shown you how little he respects you and your R. You can do better and you should demand better.

 

((HUGS))

[Virgo1982]

I've got another question...how long do affairs last and is it common to be an "on/off" thing?

 

Usually, affairs last until the OP goes NC.

[Mino]

My take is that he HAS MOVED ON... He is also "stalling with the D, by making paper mistakes.. I think the ow wants to finally get married, he is chicken, therefore the stall. I do not think that he has any desire to come back to the m... The Ow is confussed, she is doubting his excuses, therefore she is trying to make contact with you.. She want to get to the bottom of why this is taking so long... Seems pretty logical to me. Why on earth would you even entertain the thought of getting back with him after 8 months of seperation?? Knowing he has moved on? For the sake of beng married? I am sure the love has faded for you too.. This is what baffels me...You may want to try to get some counceling , just a thought