Wife looking for answers: Why is husband doing what he's doing?

[Virgo1982]

So are we thinking it was an exit affair? It sounds like we can all agree to that.

 

I don't believe there's any hope for you two, but that doesn't mean he's ready to marry her so quickly.

[angie2443]

mjnv, why do you want to be with someone who has little to no respect for you or your children? Are you just afraid to be alone?

 

Sorry if you already answered this in another post and I've missed it.

[Agent_99]

I have a question, I'm not sure if I'm reading this right. Last time you spoke with him, he was left withthe impression that you were leaving the country right? Okay, but then you didn't understand how when he served divorce papers they didn't come to you? I'm just confused by this.

 

I'm guessing you are holding onto hope bacause youc are about him even still.

 

As to why the OW is trynig to contact you, there are a million reasons. The ones listed here checking up on his story that he tells her, to try and cause a reconciliation between hom and his kids, Maybe she has some sort of guilt towards you personally, maybe she just thinks it is funny to mess with you. Depends on her personality.

 

But honestly, whether or not you want things to work out between you, go forward with the divorce. Just like an OW leaving it may wake him up to want he wants. While he is still married to you and feels like he has you waiting inthe wings he has a safety net to his OW relationship. But the guy sounds like scum. Really haveing nothing to do with his kids is ridiculous and says a lot about him. Find someone who is worthy of you AND your kids.

 

~99

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I am not going to deal with the past and you shouldn't either. You need to think about the hear and now for you and the kids. My suggests are these...

 

1. Fight for all that you can. Not for just you, but for the children.

2. YOU BETTER MAKE SURE HE IS PAYING CHILD SUPPORT! Don't work anything out with him. Don't let him tell you he will be there for his kids. GET IT IN WRITING BY THE COURTS! This is needed for the children.

3. Go to therapy. Therapy for yourself so you can learn to let go and grow stronger. And therapy for the children so they can learn to deal with the evil that their father has wrought onto them.

4. DON'T LOOK BACK! Especially not if he and this skank gave you an STD. You don't know how many horror stories of women and men getting HIV/AIDS from their spouse because of their infidelities. These two retched creatures almost took you away from those who love and need you.

5. You don't need to know what he was thinking. You don't need to know why the skank wants to talk to you. Right now, you need to get over whatever they put you through without them. THEN once you are able to deal with the whole reality of the whole situation and giving yourself some time to adjust.

 

 

DNR

[Mino]

I am not going to deal with the past and you shouldn't either. You need to think about the hear and now for you and the kids. My suggests are these...

 

1. Fight for all that you can. Not for just you, but for the children.

2. YOU BETTER MAKE SURE HE IS PAYING CHILD SUPPORT! Don't work anything out with him. Don't let him tell you he will be there for his kids. GET IT IN WRITING BY THE COURTS! This is needed for the children.

3. Go to therapy. Therapy for yourself so you can learn to let go and grow stronger. And therapy for the children so they can learn to deal with the evil that their father has wrought onto them.

4. DON'T LOOK BACK! Especially not if he and this skank gave you an STD. You don't know how many horror stories of women and men getting HIV/AIDS from their spouse because of their infidelities. These two retched creatures almost took you away from those who love and need you.

5. You don't need to know what he was thinking. You don't need to know why the skank wants to talk to you. Right now, you need to get over whatever they put you through without them. THEN once you are able to deal with the whole reality of the whole situation and giving yourself some time to adjust.

 

 

DNR

Skank? Gee, you sound harsh and judgemental...maybe you need some therapy to get over your anger problem? yes?

[Lizzie60]

I am not familiar with divorce laws and regulations...

 

but I will never EVER understand a woman like you who wants to have her husband back, after he has left her for another woman, doesn't care about his kids (he's a total jerk) and keeps changing his numbers, etc. etc... this is odd.. IMO..

 

He is broke.. his NOT a good father ... NOT a good husband.. you have a decent job.. have your kids.. you need to move on... nevermind this jerk.. you can make it on your own.. and have a much better life..

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Skank? Gee, you sound harsh and judgemental...maybe you need some therapy to get over your anger problem? yes?

 

Well, what else would you call a woman or man who helps give an unsuspecting spouse an STD by their participation in a wrong? And I am angry about it because I know what these families go through. And because I by faith am suppose to hate that which is wrong. And I call people as their activities fit them.

 

 

DNR

[Tomcat33]

You don't know how many horror stories of women and men getting HIV/AIDS from their spouse because of their infidelities.

 

DNR

 

 

More people get HIV and AIDS from promiscuity than they do from affairs.

 

 

I was more afraid what I'd get from my ex than what he would get from me, I know EXACTLY where I have been and I was the single one, he "supposedly" the one in the commited rel so.....

[Lyssa]

I guess what Tony T posted in the other thread just don't get to people's head.

[Tomcat33]

Well, what else would you call a woman or man who helps give an unsuspecting spouse an STD by their participation in a wrong? And I am angry about it because I know what these families go through. And because I by faith am suppose to hate that which is wrong. And I call people as their activities fit them.

 

 

DNR

 

 

Why didn't he wear a condom? Why is it the OW's fault the H got AIDS and then gave it to his W!?!? Does the role of the cheater in all this not play any sort of part? I mean c'mon he should be protecting his willy, and by default his W, no one else.

 

what thread by TonyT Lyss?

[Mino]

Well, what else would you call a woman or man who helps give an unsuspecting spouse an STD by their participation in a wrong? And I am angry about it because I know what these families go through. And because I by faith am suppose to hate that which is wrong. And I call people as their activities fit them.

 

 

DNR

All that does not matter...But if your a man of faith as you claim, you should not judge... not your place to, nor call people names... I understand your story... but it seems to me you are still very angry, instead of giving good words of healing, every post you have seems to have a jab or insult included, Hate is also very extreme... how about dislike?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

More people get HIV and AIDS from promiscuity than they do from affairs.

 

 

I was more afraid what I'd get from my ex than what he would get from me, I know EXACTLY where I have been and I was the single one, he "supposedly" the one in the commited rel so.....

 

Your talking semantics. It does not matter which group gets the most HIV/AIDS cases, but it is the fact that people are getting HIV/AIDS and are passing it on because of their careless activities, intentional acts to destroy, or through accidental exposure. Doctor's aren't trying to tackle HIV/AIDS on just one front, but all. Oh. And not everyone who gets HIV/AIDS get it from promiscuity... There are plenty of cases of one time exposures and someone being with someone who had it and they not knowing it.

 

Why didn't he wear a condom? Why is it the OW's fault the H got AIDS and then gave it to his W!?!? Does the role of the cheater in all this not play any sort of part? I mean c'mon he should be protecting his willy, and by default his W, no one else.

 

what thread by TonyT Lyss?

 

Condom's don't work if they are busted. Condom's don't work if the unwrapped portion of the infected genitalia is touching the body. It is both the husband's and the other woman's fault. His fault because he was the instigator in all this and his wickedness was exposed to his wife (sometimes others pay for our wrong than the person who did the wrong, example, look at the number of people who die by drunk drivers and those who died because they were drunk and driving).

 

Didn't you know Tomcat... It takes to two cheat. And I have not heard a case of STDs being spread due to masturbation.

 

How about this, that other woman take stock of herself and NOT play the part of other woman (or continuing to do so when she finds out Mr. Nice Guy is a cheating, lying, creep)?

 

 

DNR

[stillafool]

I've got another question...how long do affairs last and is it common to be an "on/off" thing?

 

 

See you are still looking for a glimmer of hope that you and this scumbag will get back together. You are on the right road with your kids, job and school. Don't fall back into a destructive relationship that is going no where. Give yourself time and you will meet someone worthy of your love.

[stillafool]

More people get HIV and AIDS from promiscuity than they do from affairs.

 

I think people who have affairs are promiscuous!

[Tomcat33]

Your talking semantics. It does not matter which group gets the most HIV/AIDS cases, but it is the fact that people are getting HIV/AIDS and are passing it on because of their careless activities, intentional acts to destroy, or through accidental exposure. Doctor's aren't trying to tackle HIV/AIDS on just one front, but all. Oh. And not everyone who gets HIV/AIDS get it from promiscuity... There are plenty of cases of one time exposures and someone being with someone who had it and they not knowing it.

 

I am not talking "semantics" I am talking specifics. Do some research on AIDS and who gets aids and you will understand what I meant.

 

 

Condom's don't work if they are busted. Condom's don't work if the unwrapped portion of the infected genitalia is touching the body. It is both the husband's and the other woman's fault. His fault because he was the instigator in all this and his wickedness was exposed to his wife (sometimes others pay for our wrong than the person who did the wrong, example, look at the number of people who die by drunk drivers and those who died because they were drunk and driving).

 

Condoms don't work unless you put them on, in many cases of people who contracted aids through sexual contact they FAILED to use condoms so if a man won't take responsibility for his own pecker, then he needs to step up when the odds are against him and stop blaming others for HIS OWN carelessness.

 

 

 

Didn't you know Tomcat... It takes to two cheat. And I have not heard a case of STDs being spread due to masturbation.

 

It takes two to cheat but it only takes one person to bring home AIDS and infect an innocent bystander.

[Virgo1982]

 

 

I think people who have affairs are promiscuous!

 

BS, OP, single, MW, MM, etc. can all be promiscuous. Where's this going?

[OWoman]

 

 

I think people who have affairs are promiscuous!

weird understanding of promiscuous, if you're including in your definition people who have sex with only one person (which others would term "monogamous" or "sexually exclusive" ) as a number of affairs are.

[OWoman]

I am not talking "semantics" I am talking specifics. Do some research on AIDS and who gets aids and you will understand what I meant.

 

 

 

 

Condoms don't work unless you put them on, in many cases of people who contracted aids through sexual contact they FAILED to use condoms so if a man won't take responsibility for his own pecker, then he needs to step up when the odds are against him and stop blaming others for HIS OWN carelessness.

 

 

 

 

 

It takes two to cheat but it only takes one person to bring home AIDS and infect an innocent bystander.

 

Southern Africa has the highest incidence of HIV with more than 5 million people infected. The group most affected (highest prevalence) are black women, mostly married, and the group with the highest incidence (highest rate of new infections) are young black girls aged 15 - 19.

 

Why?

 

Migrant labour has led to women living with their children in rural homesteads, visited once a year by their husbands. These men rely on prostitutes at their places of employment for sex, and don't use condoms because these were associated with "population control" to reduce the numbers of black people. These men then take home the infection to their wives - who are not allowed by their husbands to use condoms or other forms of protection as they fear that this would indicate that their wives have been unfaithful to them in their absence. The wivces cannot leave their husbands because they (and their children) are economically dependent.

 

Young girls are getting HIV from trading sex for money, transport on taxis, food, school fees or even cellphone airtime from older - MARRIED - men. Because of their youth and relative inexperience, they're unable to negotiate the use of condoms or other forms of protection.

 

You're absolutely right, TC. Unless the MEN - who hold the balance of power in these scenarios, for economic reasons - take responsibility and agree to use comdoms for the protection of themselves and their loved ones, HIV is going to continue to spread.

 

It's not the OWs "spreading" HIV. The OWs (or OGs, often, in these case) are as much victims as the BWs. HIV is being "spread" by MMs.

[Virgo1982]

Woggle has the highest incidence in creating this thread...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117389/

[Tomcat33]

weird understanding of promiscuous, if you're including in your definition people who have sex with only one person (which others would term "monogamous" or "sexually exclusive" ) as a number of affairs are.

 

 

Exactly!

 

SF clearly doesn't know the meaning of promiscuity.

 

Woggle has the highest incidence in creating this thread...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117389/

 

 

LOLOLOLOL

[OWoman]

Woggle has the highest incidence in creating this thread...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117389/

 

Yea pity that thread is closed and won't take replies, and I can't be arsed to copypasta from there to here. His OP is just so full of internal contradictions that it begs a logical analysis - I'm going to use it as an exercise to teach first year students argumentation and critical thinking - how to build an argument, subtantiate it with evidence, ensure consistency and logical coherence and avoid all the pifalls (standard Philosophy 101 stuff). Who says the internet is not a useful teaching tool?

[Virgo1982]

Yea pity that thread is closed and won't take replies, and I can't be arsed to copypasta from there to here. His OP is just so full of internal contradictions that it begs a logical analysis - I'm going to use it as an exercise to teach first year students argumentation and critical thinking - how to build an argument, subtantiate it with evidence, ensure consistency and logical coherence and avoid all the pifalls (standard Philosophy 101 stuff). Who says the internet is not a useful teaching tool?

 

For those who choose to learn it is...

[stillafool]

weird understanding of promiscuous, if you're including in your definition people who have sex with only one person (which others would term "monogamous" or "sexually exclusive" ) as a number of affairs are.

 

Most people who have affairs are sleeping with at least two people, no?

[OWoman]

Most people who have affairs are sleeping with at least two people, no?

 

I've no idea, I've never done the stats.

 

Even if most of the married APs were having sex with both their spouse and their AP, and that's a big "if" given how may sexless marriage threads there are on the Marriage forum, then that would still come in at under 50% of "people who have affairs" unless most of their APs were also having sex with other people. And the OW forum seems to suggest that that is the exception rather than the rule - that by far most OMs or OWs are sexually exclusive with their MW / MM. So even if "most" people involved in affairs were having sex with at least two people, it would be only a very slight "most", at most.

 

It's equally conceivable that most - and again, likely a very slight "most" people having affairs are sexually exclusive. Until there is a body of proper rigorous research done on this either assertion is mere supposition, basedon anecdote or personal conviction.

[mjnv]

Ok, wow I don't know how it got to this topic but...

 

I am moving on with LIFE and doing what I need to do to give my children the best. And if he files in the state he's in, I am counter-filing and using adultery as one of the grounds. I've got medical and visual proof. And I will have the OW subpoenaed if possible.

 

Whether my husband divorces me or not and the same goes for me, I hope he will snap out of fantasyland soon. I am too young and gifted to let me let him keep myself from living.

 

I am also furthering my education in the medical field, and you sure bet I will definitely be an advocate for safe sex and monogamy.

 

When it comes to sex outside of marriage or in someone's marriage, I strongly believe it is BOTH the spouse and the OM/OW's responsibility and fault for taking a risk like that. But whether it is having sex b/c of an affair or having sex outside of marriage, we should really educate people out there to protect themselves.

 

I was 7 months pregnant and found out I had an STD. And yes after what Dark-N-Romantic stated, I have to agree that my husband took the risk of not only bringing a DISEASE home to me, but also of our unborn child of the time.

 

I could have died, and my child could've died, too. My other child who was 2 at the time could've lost a mother.

 

Had I not gone in to the hospital b/c my gut feeling was telling me something was wrong with my body, WHO KNOWS WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED to my child, a living and breathing human being.

 

He should've took the precaution to wrap up. The OW should've taken took that precaution, too. Everybody wants to say they're a grown-up, but being grown means being responsible.

 

BTW, I also still have another STD, from my husband which I know for a fact he gave to me b/c he is the only man I have been with. I being monitored to see if it will develop into cervical cancer.

 

So while spouses and OM and OW are gettin' it on and people are practicing unsafe sex and just being involved in risky behavior, I don't know how one can be so careless to NOT be careful.

 

IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME, and ONLY ONE PERSON.

 

I don't believe people who are OM and OW are exclusive to their married person. There doesn't even have to be research done on this, let's GET REAL.

 

Again, let me say people are going to do what they want to do. But take me for example, what I had and what I've gone through with my daughter during the last 1.5 month of my pregnancy or whenever he started messing around and I contracted the other STD involved BOTH of our LIVES.

 

You hear me? OUR LIVES.

 

I had to get tested for HIV for the very first time in my life and I never had to do that. EVER. I was a virgin when I got married and never cheated on my husband.

 

I trusted him with MY LIFE. And that also meant to not give anything to me that will jack up my body.

 

And not only that, I could have cervical cancer. TWO people, it took TWO to give it to me. And who is the one holdin it down for two young children? I AM.

 

All b/c of my husband's thoughtlessness, carelessness...and all b/c the OW did not try to be responsible by walking away from him, or checking out his background BEFORE she thought of giving it up and getting emotionally involved. And even if she did it after knowing he was married, should've walked away if he wasn't going to.

 

This is the last time I'm going to post here. I hope everyone who reads this takes this to heart and thinks twice, three, and maybe even four times about what they could have, could get, and might be infecting into other people's LIVES. And the lives of unborn children.

 

Having sex is a choice. Not being monogamous is a choice. Not getting checked out for STDs and knowing and not telling people you have sex with is a choice. Cheating on your husband, wife, partner, and getting involved with a married person is a CHOICE.

 

I pray people will make the right choice.