Father who molested me has returned...

[sarcasmsaves]

i molested as a child. I've held that secret for 30 yrs. it didn't seem relevant to an 11 yr old. Especially since he left my mom. she was already hurting no need to reveal my dirty little secret.

Without a father she was all I had. I needed her to keep loving me.

Problem, he has returned!

 

Now what?

[Nevermind]

I am sorry to read this.

 

Please, don't think it is irrelevant or not important. It is, you are important. And he had no right to do that.

 

Please, consult a therapist and a lawyer. See what your options are. Then have a talk with your mother.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Tony T]

If you are an adult, confront him, let him know exactly how his actions have affected your life and then try to forgive him...as hard as that may be. It is to your benefit to forgive him and to get this weight off your shoulders. I wouldn't be the least sensitive about his feelings after what he did. And STOP worrying about other people and how these events may affect them. This is your life and you were a victim of some terrible behavior. You have to stand up for yourself.

 

If you are in your teens, seek out the advice of a counselor, member of the clergy or a responsible adult you trust. You need to resolve this as soon as possible and get on with your life. You don't need to be around somebody who is going to keep you on eggshells.

[Green]

and when people say forgive some one who has done you wrong... you don't necesarily have to go speak to the person and try to make them feel better... I mean forgiving some one can be as simple as getting over it inside your own mind that way you don't have to think about it, it doesn't mean going to him and saying your ok with what happened.

[Liquinn]

30 years? Wow, that's sad to read...

 

Well, what he done was wrong. You do need to get it off your chest and move on, maybe moving on would take time, but it's better to move on rather than thinking about your issues in a deperssive manner.

[amaysngrace]

Hey. I'm sad for you. I was molested too and I don't agree with the others when they say to forgive him. There are some things that are just beyond forgiveness IMO. This is one of those things.

 

Anyway I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

XO

[Geishawhelk]

i molested as a child. I've held that secret for 30 yrs. it didn't seem relevant to an 11 yr old. Especially since he left my mom. she was already hurting no need to reveal my dirty little secret.

Without a father she was all I had. I needed her to keep loving me.

Problem, he has returned!

 

Now what?

 

First of all, the 'dirty little secret' is his shame, not yours. You have nothing to feel dirty or ashamed about, please realise that. You do know that, don't you?

 

Secondly, you don't go into great detail (and I am neither requesting or suggesting you do, here, at all) but you say he has returned.

We none of us know why, or for how long, or whether he is with you or near you.

He is a criminal.

He broke the law and molested you.

That's the least of it.

The worst is, that he hurt you and damaged you and did things to you no adult has a right to do.

 

Please, even if you don't or can't confront him, you must tell someone, and gain some kind of counselling.

And hey, KMT is absolutely spot on.

'Forgiveness' is not about letting him off, or saying it doesn't matter to him. Forgiveness is closure for you, moving on and being able to drop it, leave it behind and be happy, proud and dignified.

 

If you need help with this, be sure to get it. You deserve it, and nobody would ever think any the less of you for it.

[amaysngrace]

and when people say forgive some one who has done you wrong... you don't necesarily have to go speak to the person and try to make them feel better... I mean forgiving some one can be as simple as getting over it inside your own mind that way you don't have to think about it, it doesn't mean going to him and saying your ok with what happened.

 

And hey, KMT is absolutely spot on.

'Forgiveness' is not about letting him off, or saying it doesn't matter to him. Forgiveness is closure for you, moving on and being able to drop it, leave it behind and be happy, proud and dignified.

 

Accepting a situation and forgiving someone who's wronged you in a way that has negatively impacted your life for thirty years are two different things entirely.

 

I think that when you forgive someone you are saying that what they did is "okay". Molestation is and never will be "okay".

 

Okay?

[Geishawhelk]

Forgiveness is not about letting others off the hook.

Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the hook.

The person who did things to me as a child, is dead. They can never apologise, I can never confront them.

My forgiveness permitted me to stop carrying baggage around for any second longer.

Forgiveness is not just a word.

It takes time, work and dedication and you can, at times, go through enormous waves of pain. But with every wave of pain, you get closer to the shore.

 

So thank you amaysngrace, for bringing that up, you are absolutely right to do so.

 

But I just wanted to reassure sarcasmsaves that no matter how dreadful and soul-destroying things might seem, there is a way through it.

[amaysngrace]

Well I sure wish I knew your secret then Geisha because while I accept it and see how it's been positive in some regard I can't help but to be scarred from it as well.

 

I haven't yet figured out how to erase the slate entirely. While I don't dwell on it (I've even joked about it) it's a part of my life and I just don't see how you are ever suppose to get around that.

[Geishawhelk]

PM Me if you want. not the time or place here.

[jwi71]

i molested as a child. I've held that secret for 30 yrs. it didn't seem relevant to an 11 yr old. Especially since he left my mom. she was already hurting no need to reveal my dirty little secret.

Without a father she was all I had. I needed her to keep loving me.

Problem, he has returned!

 

Now what?

 

 

30 years of secret pain? Have you been to an IC? Do you have friends and family to gather around?

 

What do you want? Closure? Understanding? Forgiveness? Revenge? Absolution?

 

With the little we have, gather your friends and family. Tell them of this if you can. Your mother will not stop loving you. If you have not gone to IC, do so now.

 

I think you should approach the police as well. Having molested yourself, he is a danger not only to you but to others as well. I doubt you were the first and last. He may be preying right now - victimizing some other young girl.

[Green]

Well I sure wish I knew your secret then Geisha because while I accept it and see how it's been positive in some regard I can't help but to be scarred from it as well.

 

I haven't yet figured out how to erase the slate entirely. While I don't dwell on it (I've even joked about it) it's a part of my life and I just don't see how you are ever suppose to get around that.

 

Thats why you should search for a way to forgive and forget. Its like when you see the families of some one who was killed by a drunk driver or something say I forgive them. Its not about saying it was ok or asking they not go to jail or whatever its about having a healthy attitude toward their own recovery and not living with hate or regret.

 

I don't get it you joked about how you were molested? Well it doesn't have to define who you are you can heal yourself.

[amaysngrace]

Its not about saying it was ok or asking they not go to jail or whatever its about having a healthy attitude toward their own recovery and not living with hate or regret.

 

I understand what you're saying but there's no one to forgive. He's dead.

[Green]

I just looked up the Wikipedia definition for fogiveness it is as follows Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

In Buddhism, forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being. I mention Wikipedia Buddhim look because that is what Geishawalk is if I remember correctly. Now this is different then the meaning of forgiveness you seem to be thinking of

[amaysngrace]

Thanks KMT.

 

Learning something new would definitely be enlightenment for me. I really could use it because what I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping me much.

[D-Lish]

Hey. I'm sad for you. I was molested too and I don't agree with the others when they say to forgive him. There are some things that are just beyond forgiveness IMO. This is one of those things.

 

Anyway I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

XO

 

I agree with your sentiment AG. I never forgave my molester, I wouldn't even think of doing so (from my perspective). The man that betrayed my trust and stole my childhood from me is not worthy of my forgiveness.

 

What helped me was to Tell someone- and I didn't do so until later in my life (my therapist first and then my parents). I was 25ish when I revealed it.

 

I found my solace in FORGIVING MYSELF. I always felt ashamed and even harboured this horrible feeling for years that what he did to me was somehow my fault. I must have done something to entice him to do that to me. Having my parents and therapist actually tell me it wasn't my fault was instrumental in my own healing.

 

But to forgive a predator like that... I see no value in it, I see no logic in it. My parents, mother especially is very religious. She's never forgiven what this man did- and I'd feel violated all over again if she did.

 

I would disclose to your mother what happened and seek out some kind of therapy. You don't have to work through this alone.

 

In what capacity has he returned? Is he wishing to reconcile with your mother, or looking to make amends with you???

 

What is important is making peace for yourself. You are the priority here. Just because you are related to him by blood does not make him family, nor does it make him a father (or worthy of forgiveness). You have no obligation to see him at all if you don't want to.

 

Please talk to someone about this. Even start with your family doctor that may be able to steer you in the right direction as far as support goes.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you- and I am sorry that having him back in the picture may bring about some latent trauma.

 

If you want to forgive- that's a very personal choice.

I could never in a million years forgive the 50 year old man that stole my childhood from me and left me with emotional scars that have followed me into adulthood.

 

You look after you. Please keep talking- it will help.

Take care and hugs to you.