Loneliness: The quickest way to suicide

[TooLittleTooLate]

I am 25. For the past 9 years of my life I have been completely and absolutely isolated emotionally from anyone, even my own family. I have never learned how to connect with people. I have no idea how to make real friends. I can't seem to hold a meaningful conversation for longer then 5 seconds. I never learned how to. It eludes me. My consciousness just crawls inside my head most of the time so im pretty much always sleepwalking.

 

Im essentially a child in an adult body with a child mind, that think and feels like a child. That has the consciousness and social awareness of a child. Its like my mind is stuck in a glass ball and I can "see" outside the life that i am missing, but i cant be part of it because i dont know how. I see other people together laughing and having fun, and I feel resentment, sadness, jealousy.

 

I'm not quite sure what to do at this point of my life. Im all alone in this world, very emotionally alone. Im unhappy. Its a struggle getting up in the morning knowing that nobody gives a real **** whether you live or die because you have no positive impact on anybody life, knowing that you have nothing to do with anybody on the weekends, knowing that you have nothing to live for.

 

I try to imagine things better, I really really do. I recently began exercising, I quit playing video games, but I don't feel any different. I think im so deep in this hole theres no way I can possibly get of it. Im condemned to this sorry ass existence for as long as I decide to live, and I have to painfully live every second of it.

 

Is it even possible get out of this? Iv been thinking about seeing a psychologist. I dont see how achieving any more of my personal goals will help since it does not address the root cause. Thing is, iv always had this problem, even when i was much younger. When I was 16, video games was just an easy escape. Maybe I have Asperger syndrome or something.

 

I really dont want to live like this anymore. Its hurting me. It making me angry at myself and others. The only emotion I have a lot of is anger and depression. I blame my family a lot for not doing anything for me when I was younger, they just let my mind wither away.

[SnapCracklePop]

Video games are anti-social, and don't make for good conversation. I'd suggest you box it up and put it away for now.

 

Get up, get dressed... go outside. Join a club if need be. Go out on Friday/Sat nights to whatever place is "the spot" to go in your area... Go to a bar and watch a game on the TV there during the week, but sit at the bar, not a table by yourself.

 

Socializing is just like those games you played... it takes work to be good at it. But you'll never get anywhere if you don't get out there and do it.

 

The reason you feel this way is that you never gave anyone the opportunity to know you - you were too busy playing those games. So don't feel sorry for yourself that nobody gives a s---... Go have some fun with real people for 6 months... then re-assess your situation. It will be better... probably not your ideal... but it will be improving.

 

Ok, stop reading... and go. I'll be severly dissapointed in you if you take the time to reply to this... you should be putting on a clean shirt and heading out the door by now.

[BeNotAfraid]

As you can see I do not post much. Lurked a lot and finally registered. This post put tears in my eyes because I could relate so much.

 

I don't know if this will help:

 

But you are a child of God and God is watching. There is a reason for you to be alive; you just haven't found it yet.

 

Have you tried just going to a church and praying? Begging God to help you? Or at least reading something like "The Purpose-Driven Life?"

 

Many people would of course dismiss this as BS -- maybe you too. But based on personal knowledge, it works. And I can say it is much, much, much better than the agony you seem to be going through.

 

You are loved and needed. That's the truth.

[Angel1111]

I'm sorry you're life has been so sad and difficult. No one should have to live that way. It may be that you're just a quiet person and will never be one of those extroverted people you admire so much. Still, that doesn't mean you can't have friends, or be with someone who loves you. The truth is, a lot of extroverted people marry quiet people because they feel calmer around them. So, what you may admire in some people, those people probably likewise admire in you.

 

You didn't really elaborate about what happened with your family but, yes, I do think it would be a great idea to see a psychologist. If you find a good one (and you may have to talk to a few of them before you find the right one) they can give you incredible insight to your life and personality, and give you suggestions on how to move forward in a more positive way.

 

Please do something TODAY that will get this ball rolling on changing your life. There's always someone here for you to talk to so I hope you'll stick around and let us know how you're doing.

[marlena]

First of all, your mind has not withered away. Not by a long shot. It shows in your writing.

 

You don't sound at all like the way you describe yourself. What I see is an intelligent man, one who is articulate and sensitive, with rich emotions and an ability to explore his feelings. Admirable qualities, I'd say.

 

Now use that intelligence to see that whatever happened to you in the past is dead and gone. Leave it there, behind you, and work on a more positive outlook on life. Stop blaming others ...or yourself. Let go of that anger. Learn how to laugh and try taking on a more devil-may-care attitude. Life is full of adventures and there is a humorous slant to almost everything that happens to us.

 

Above all, stop being so hard on yourself.

[Ronni_W]

What I see is an intelligent man, one who is articulate and sensitive, with rich emotions and an ability to explore his feelings.

I have to agree with marlena's observations -- and they are very well and succinctly put, too .

 

Your idea to consult with psychologist/psychotherapist is also an excellent one.

 

In a totally different direction, perhaps you could google 'indigo children' and 'crystal children'. From the little I know about that, your feelings, experiences and perceptions do seem to bear quite a few similarities. (Caution that some sources are just plain garbage...only accept/follow what resonates deep within your own heart and mind.)

 

All the best to you.

[FleshNBones]

Im essentially a child in an adult body with a child mind, that think and feels like a child. That has the consciousness and social awareness of a child. Its like my mind is stuck in a glass ball and I can "see" outside the life that i am missing, but i cant be part of it because i dont know how. I see other people together laughing and having fun, and I feel resentment, sadness, jealousy.

I disagree. If you are anything like me, there is no developed inner child. Talk about going out there and doing something doesn't mean anything to you. You can't wing it, and you can't play the clown.

 

I gave up on connecting with other people at that level. Instead, I try to develop my own passions, and it seems like I can connect with others who share that passion. It could be a sport or just about any activity. You can take up tennis, and join a league. You can take up cycling, and once you get strong enough, join others in a large group. You can approach something with a level of concentration and maturity that few can muster so use that to your advantage. If you hope to excel at something, it will take time so think long term. Look for interrelated activities so you can bridge between them, and save some time. Adequate preparation will speed things up so do your homework.

Starting out, some people probably won't think much of you. Ignoring them won't be hard because you are probably already oblivious to most of their objections and insults.

[Arise_Serpentor]

sounds like you should see a therapist or psychologist! again, more people stewing and festering doing nothing real about their situation!

 

get some professional help! No shame in that!! better than a prostate exam!

[TooLittleTooLate]

Iv tryed "socializing" before. At family gatherings with my brothers, my sisters in law, and my nieces in law (which are my age) I completely shut down. My mind crawls into itself, literally. I cant control it. My belief is I am inferior to all of them. I am not an equal. I am not allowed to contribute my mind in their presence because what I think and what I say is not worthy of their ears. I am an immature child and the world that I live in and how I think and feel has absolutely no relation to how any of them think and feel, and any positive feedback I get is just insincere sympathy, like a mother smiling at a baby because they just said something cute.

 

Now this is only around my family and those who know my true-self and my past. Otherwise, I wear a Mask. The way I present myself, the way I "attempt" to communicate with others, I pretend to be outgoing, captain witty mcsmooth, funny, easygoing, smooth talker, good with women and lots of other traits of the few "normal" people that I have observed over the years. I am trying to "imitate" them because they seem like normal people with social lives that go to bars and clubs and drink and dance and if I try to act like them ill become them. Sure enough these imitations always fail in some degree. The man under the mask has been uncovered! When that happens i shutdown around others like I do around my family and i freak a lot of people out. Game over.

 

Going out and trying to "socialize" is not really the answer. Im sure its supposed to help, but because my conscious mind often does not choose to participate in these things, I drift through the entire event very much asleep. That and going out with others makes me feel like im being babysat, quite literally.

 

When I was in europe last year I was very depressed so my parents talked to the neighborer who had a kid about my age and we went out to bars and clubs. Needless to say I was not my own person at these events, I was a dog on a leash and all I did was get very drunk and made a fool out of myself. I did not know to act, how to think.

 

I dont know what makes me think I way I think. Is it a lack of social experience? As in not knowing how to have genuine fun and mess around because iv done so little of it? Because im insecure and depressed and gets in the way of how I think? Because I have the consciousness and mind of a child that cant operate independently due to living a very very simple non-thinking life where all my needs were addressed by my parents and I have never needed to think for myself for even a second?

 

Im guessing its the last part. The awareness part of the mind, the consciousness, the mind looking out at the world, is like a muscle. Everyone is born with it and develops it as they mature, as they make decisions, as they become independent, as they detach from their parents and develop their own relationships on their terms, as they become more responsible, more experienced in life. THAT is mature adult consciousness, and is something I do not possess. My mind never needed to develop it.

 

It is what truly separates people from one another.

[FleshNBones]

Iv tryed "socializing" before. At family gatherings with my brothers, my sisters in law, and my nieces in law (which are my age) I completely shut down. My mind crawls into itself, literally. I cant control it. My belief is I am inferior to all of them. I am not an equal. I am not allowed to contribute my mind in their presence because what I think and what I say is not worthy of their ears. I am an immature child and the world that I live in and how I think and feel has absolutely no relation to how any of them think and feel, and any positive feedback I get is just insincere sympathy, like a mother smiling at a baby because they just said something cute.

I'm practically a stranger to my brothers. They will attend birthday parties for their friends, but they don't want to have anything to do with me. You need to understand and accept that you are different, and that won't change.

Now this is only around my family and those who know my true-self and my past. Otherwise, I wear a Mask. The way I present myself, the way I "attempt" to communicate with others, I pretend to be outgoing, captain witty mcsmooth, funny, easygoing, smooth talker, good with women and lots of other traits of the few "normal" people that I have observed over the years. I am trying to "imitate" them because they seem like normal people with social lives that go to bars and clubs and drink and dance and if I try to act like them ill become them. Sure enough these imitations always fail in some degree. The man under the mask has been uncovered! When that happens i shutdown around others like I do around my family and i freak a lot of people out. Game over.

They all wear masks, and there usually isn't depth to them anyway.

 

Imitation is really hard because it requires a lot of concentration on your part. For them, it is all instinct, and you don't have it. Instinctively, they will pick up on your body language, and any lapses in timing. They are usually very proud of that ability. You probably shutdown because all of that concentration is taxing, and you will eventually reach your mental limit.

I dont know what makes me think I way I think. Is it a lack of social experience? As in not knowing how to have genuine fun and mess around because iv done so little of it? Because im insecure and depressed and gets in the way of how I think? Because I have the consciousness and mind of a child that cant operate independently due to living a very very simple non-thinking life where all my needs were addressed by my parents and I have never needed to think for myself for even a second?

As far as I'm concerned, confidence doesn't exist so stop chasing the dragon.

 

Finish college, get a job, and then move out. Living on your own isn't as hard as some people make it out to be.

Im guessing its the last part. The awareness part of the mind, the consciousness, the mind looking out at the world, is like a muscle. Everyone is born with it and develops it as they mature, as they make decisions, as they become independent, as they detach from their parents and develop their own relationships on their terms, as they become more responsible, more experienced in life. THAT is mature adult consciousness, and is something I do not possess. My mind never needed to develop it.

"Adult consciousness"? Where did you get that? Most people communicate and interract with their inner child. Their inner child wants to play, and that is why they drink, socialize, and whatever. They play games for that reason.

[Sks]

You don't develop you adapt. You never developed into what you are, you adapted with the goal of avoiding pain and gaining pleasure. Your mind, as you correctly compared to a muscle, adapts to its surroundings.

 

If I lived in the wild and had to run frequently, my muscles would adapt to have me able to run farther and faster. Conversely if I no longer needed endurance but strength, they would lose their endurance properties and switch into having more strength.

 

If I needed neither strength nor endurance they would gradually receded back to their neutral state.

 

I find most people "annoying" and tend to avoid them, people have their place but they aren't a driving force in my existence. I like being alone and I find watching people much more enjoyable then the act of being with them.

 

I think you should worry less about people and more about yourself. You need to view what you want to do the same way a powerlifter trains to have a high bench press or a track star trains to run a great distance.

[Lovelybird]

Iv tryed "socializing" before. At family gatherings with my brothers, my sisters in law, and my nieces in law (which are my age) I completely shut down. My mind crawls into itself, literally. I cant control it. My belief is I am inferior to all of them. I am not an equal. I am not allowed to contribute my mind in their presence because what I think and what I say is not worthy of their ears. I am an immature child and the world that I live in and how I think and feel has absolutely no relation to how any of them think and feel, and any positive feedback I get is just insincere sympathy, like a mother smiling at a baby because they just said something cute.

 

Now this is only around my family and those who know my true-self and my past. Otherwise, I wear a Mask. The way I present myself, the way I "attempt" to communicate with others, I pretend to be outgoing, captain witty mcsmooth, funny, easygoing, smooth talker, good with women and lots of other traits of the few "normal" people that I have observed over the years. I am trying to "imitate" them because they seem like normal people with social lives that go to bars and clubs and drink and dance and if I try to act like them ill become them. Sure enough these imitations always fail in some degree. The man under the mask has been uncovered! When that happens i shutdown around others like I do around my family and i freak a lot of people out. Game over.

 

Going out and trying to "socialize" is not really the answer. Im sure its supposed to help, but because my conscious mind often does not choose to participate in these things, I drift through the entire event very much asleep. That and going out with others makes me feel like im being babysat, quite literally.

 

When I was in europe last year I was very depressed so my parents talked to the neighborer who had a kid about my age and we went out to bars and clubs. Needless to say I was not my own person at these events, I was a dog on a leash and all I did was get very drunk and made a fool out of myself. I did not know to act, how to think.

 

I dont know what makes me think I way I think. Is it a lack of social experience? As in not knowing how to have genuine fun and mess around because iv done so little of it? Because im insecure and depressed and gets in the way of how I think? Because I have the consciousness and mind of a child that cant operate independently due to living a very very simple non-thinking life where all my needs were addressed by my parents and I have never needed to think for myself for even a second?

 

Im guessing its the last part. The awareness part of the mind, the consciousness, the mind looking out at the world, is like a muscle. Everyone is born with it and develops it as they mature, as they make decisions, as they become independent, as they detach from their parents and develop their own relationships on their terms, as they become more responsible, more experienced in life. THAT is mature adult consciousness, and is something I do not possess. My mind never needed to develop it.

 

It is what truly separates people from one another.

My past can relate to you in so many degrees !

 

I always felt inferior to my cousins and others, especially my cousins, because I have many of them, and parents liked to compare, and my parents happened to be the moderate ones, so in my child mind I was always the last

 

I was very quiet, didn't talk before people, didn't think people would want to hear me, and locked in my own sad world, like I was merely dust. I had a tough childhood and adolescence, felt I was binded by many chains, and people draw squares and suppose me to become that square. I had no sense of self ! When I was in college, I saw many classmates liked to get together, talk and laugh and party, I didn't like what they talked or interested, I didn't understand why they did, I pretended to be one what they liked, but soon found out pretending only took more sense of self from me, so I was an loner, I found some books written about Lincoln, maybe Mr. Lincoln was only one can intriger some sparkle in me at that time

 

But things changed until I knew there is a God, and He is working in my life. That was major turning point for me, the time was round my early 20'. Lord Jesus taught me how to break free from many chains, and loves me in a way I never knew it can exist. I became excited about life, when I gathered up some courage to do a new thing, others may easily do it, but for me it was like major adventure because I had too much fear before, and Lord would encourage me every step I made.

 

sometimes I still struggle, then I asked God why I had such a difficult childhood, while others seemed just enjoyed it, God told me that He made me in a special way, during the journey He is with me, when I overcome those issues, also I can help others to overcome them, and I would have deeper understanding to others. I love my life right now although there are still many need be improved, I know God is with me

 

God made you in a very special way. maybe you can ask God what purpose he has for your life? I believe it is something exciting. When you fill yourself inside with living water that only Jesus can provide, it will be easier for you to look out and reach out to others. The most important thing is to find yourself, why God made you. Ask God

[luna3]

you definitely need professional help.

 

that isn't a negative knock on you, but just an observation that this is a problem that you feel you have, and if you really want to get over it you will need some outside assistance.

 

you sound as though you have some kind of social anxiety disorder.

 

i wouldn't antagonize over the fact that that you aren't interested in what the people around you have to say enough to follow the conversation. a lot of conversations people have are just to pass the time. like sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office, sweaty-palmed and nervous. it is just a way to try to relieve some anxiety. unfortunately, for you it causes anxiety because you seem to feel that you need to have something vital to contribute to the conversation, when that really isn't always the case. just smiling and nodding, and trying to be a good listener is usually enough.

 

the real question i have is, are you really interested in connecting with other people? family is family--we're forced to socialize with them on some level because to not do so would seem uncaring. my question is really one of empathy: do you really care about other people? their lives, their concerns, etc? if you have no consideration for other people, and are just putting on a front because it is expected then no wonder you're stressed!

 

what are your interests? unless you have absolutely none, i wouldn't go out looking for one that didn't "catch my eye" in some way, because that would be yet another front, and one which would probably not give you pleasure because you would feel that you weren't doing well enough at it and would just drop it eventually. so, what do YOU do to pass the time?

 

and yes, i'm genuinely interested...

[SnapCracklePop]

Iv tryed "socializing" before. At family gatherings with my brothers, my sisters in law, and my nieces in law (which are my age) I completely shut down. My mind crawls into itself, literally. I cant control it. My belief is I am inferior to all of them. I am not an equal. I am not allowed to contribute my mind in their presence because what I think and what I say is not worthy of their ears.

 

Hey TLTL - sorry if my first post sounded a little insensitive. Perhaps some pro help might be a good idea.

 

But seriously.. cut out the video games or at least put tight restrictions on the time you play them. Sometimes, escaping from reality is a good thing, but not in your case.

 

And socializing... you do need to get out there... maybe small ventures at a time. And if you feel like you cannot/are not engaging in the conversation, excuse yourself... take a break, and decide whether or not to rejoin. It takes practice. Not everyone is born with the gift for gab.

 

But, just because you don't know what to say, does not mean that people do not want to hear what you have to say. It has no reflection on your self worth.

 

And if you want to practice socializing in a safe place.. join in a few threads here.

[stillafool]

I am 25. For the past 9 years of my life I have been completely and absolutely isolated emotionally from anyone, even my own family. I have never learned how to connect with people. I have no idea how to make real friends. I can't seem to hold a meaningful conversation for longer then 5 seconds. I never learned how to. It eludes me. My consciousness just crawls inside my head most of the time so im pretty much always sleepwalking.

 

Im essentially a child in an adult body with a child mind, that think and feels like a child. That has the consciousness and social awareness of a child. Its like my mind is stuck in a glass ball and I can "see" outside the life that i am missing, but i cant be part of it because i dont know how. I see other people together laughing and having fun, and I feel resentment, sadness, jealousy.

 

I'm not quite sure what to do at this point of my life. Im all alone in this world, very emotionally alone. Im unhappy. Its a struggle getting up in the morning knowing that nobody gives a real **** whether you live or die because you have no positive impact on anybody life, knowing that you have nothing to do with anybody on the weekends, knowing that you have nothing to live for.

 

I try to imagine things better, I really really do. I recently began exercising, I quit playing video games, but I don't feel any different. I think im so deep in this hole theres no way I can possibly get of it. Im condemned to this sorry ass existence for as long as I decide to live, and I have to painfully live every second of it.

 

Is it even possible get out of this? Iv been thinking about seeing a psychologist. I dont see how achieving any more of my personal goals will help since it does not address the root cause. Thing is, iv always had this problem, even when i was much younger. When I was 16, video games was just an easy escape. Maybe I have Asperger syndrome or something.

 

I really dont want to live like this anymore. Its hurting me. It making me angry at myself and others. The only emotion I have a lot of is anger and depression. I blame my family a lot for not doing anything for me when I was younger, they just let my mind wither away.

 

 

Oh please, please don't think of suicide. Your life is worth so much you just don't know it. Your family would be crushed. My brother commited suicide when he was 25 and he sounds like you. He was always alone and wouldn't open up to anyone. We just thought this was his personality. When he killed himself we all sunk into the lowest hole we've ever known. We all blamed each other and I would give anything to have him back. Oh please seek help. That's all my brother needed was someone to talk to and help him. Please promise me you will. I am crying for you now. I will be checking for you.

[stillafool]

Hi Toolittletoolate,

 

How are you doing today?

[TooLittleTooLate]

Im very very sorry to hear about your brother. I think about suicide when I "shut down" and it makes me feel so bad. I actually freaked my parents out last year when I "faked" suicide by pretending to be passed out by open pill bottles. It was a cry for help and I still think about doing that a lot. Im just so unhappy, and the unhappiness makes it so hard to do anything about it, much less wake up in the morning.

 

Thing is, my parents didnt know how to be parents. They were just providers. They didnt have a ****ing clue and still dont. My brothers are disgusted at how spoiled I have been since they moved out at a much earlier age. Any conversation with one of them about my situation or my feelings ends up being a lecture about how I am 100000% responsible for my situation and he has very little sympathy for me. **** him. I am a big empty hole inside that needs understanding and sympathy and he just lectures me about how difficult life is.

 

If I ever get out of this mess, hes never gonna get a birthday card from me. Ever. Stupid *******. Leaves me to rot. I dont even know how I can look at the guy without getting pissed off. Sure enough the man has 2 kids a wife and a house and bills to pay but he can at least stop pretending my past didnt existence and im 100% responsible for the failures of the present.

 

I really dont buy into that everything negative that happens in your life is all your fault and whining about it is just making excuses. It is true to a certain extent but not 100% responsibility. Not before youre an adult. A kid is starving in Africa because his country's government is too busy starting wars to feed his family. Is that his fault? A teenager is raised with absolutely no parental guidance and ends up doing drugs and ****s up his life. Is that his fault? You can draw the line where people are supposed start consciously taking responsibility for their actions, but not at that age.

 

The past is the past, the damage has been done but I cant just let the past go. This has to be dealt with, before I do something negative in rage.

 

Maybe a lot of the anger and depression I carry is because of the resentment I have towards my family and others with no sympathy or compassion?

 

Wow im so messed up. Is it even possible for other people to even think like this? I have a lot more to say, but ill save it for another post.

[Lovelybird]

Hi, if your brother were never offered (or never received) sympathy and compassion during their grow-up, they probably don't know how to give you that; the same for your parents. In their world, probably "whatever it is, suck up and go on", so it is unavoidable that they told the same as they told themselves. Think about that, they are same as you have many struggles, how much pain you feel, that are how much pain they feel, just that you are brave enough to question about it and face it now. you won't ask a man who cannot count their fingers to do a difficult math question.

 

Talk about responsibility, I agree with you, no one can decide where they are born, what kind of parents they have, but if you ask everybody, everybody has tough times, has struggles to deal with, some more tougher than yours, some same. You don't have responsibility for the past, but you can do something about future, and are responsible for future. Life is like playing card, everyone has some random cards in their hands, how to play it, depends on you, of course if God leads you, that would be a whole new story.

 

Anger and depression have many reasons. But one thing I learn from my personal experience: the more I am far from love of God, far from God's will for me, the more I would feel anxious and depressed.

 

Seldom people are born by perfect parents, I am glad I have a heavenly Father, who is perfect and give love as many as I want although my parents give me love as many as they can too

 

ok, here are some good book, might help, if you have time, check them out, you won't regret.

 

Battlefield of the Mind for Teens: Winning the Battle in Your Mind by Joyce Meyer and Todd Hafer

 

Teenagers Are People Too! by Joyce Meyer

[TooLittleTooLate]

Im not a big fan of religion, even though I used to go to church and bible school when I was a kid. IMO religion and belief in God is a placebo to make people feel good about themselves, no more then a lucky charm.

 

No offense to anyone, but if believing in something so strongly that you can improve your life from it, power to you. It's such a powerful source of inner strength, a belief, a conviction in something. Gives you something to live for I guess.

 

I was reading another thread and ran across Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked it up and the symptoms very closely resemble how I feel. Maybe I should be tested for it or something.

[BeNotAfraid]

You can't magically change your parents, your childhood, or the past. No matter how much they sucked.

 

How do you know belief is just a placebo or a trinket? Maybe it's real food and you've just never swallowed it.

 

You're obviously a smart and articulate person. Those qualities, frustratingly, can make it much more difficult for a person to contact God.

 

I think it is easiest for the simple-minded to find God. For you it will be (and is) much harder.

 

Here's a suggested prayer for you. If you can say it and mean it, a few times a day, you will see some sunlight. Just say the words.

 

"

God:

 

I am speaking from inside a dark and miserable prison.

 

I was left here by the thoughtlessness and negligence of my parents. No one will let me out or even visit me. My relatives scoff at me.

 

I live on dust and stale bread. I never feel the sun.

 

I want OUT of this prison of isolation, bitterness, blame, self-pity and paralysis. I want to do something, mean something.

 

I know I will never get out on my own.

 

If you exist, I am begging you to touch me in some way. Help me. Show me a way to the sun.

 

If you get me out, I will help you free the millions of other people trapped in this prison, since I know it so well.

 

So come near me and touch me. I am waiting.

 

Amen.

 

"

[Riley Freeman]

I am 25. For the past 9 years of my life I have been completely and absolutely isolated emotionally from anyone, even my own family. I have never learned how to connect with people. I have no idea how to make real friends. I can't seem to hold a meaningful conversation for longer then 5 seconds. I never learned how to. It eludes me. My consciousness just crawls inside my head most of the time so im pretty much always sleepwalking.

 

everyone knows how to hold a conversation. you know how too you just prolly are scared of what they'll think. just go out and talk to people. you dont make friends, it just happens once you put yourself out there

 

 

I'm not quite sure what to do at this point of my life. Im all alone in this world, very emotionally alone. Im unhappy. Its a struggle getting up in the morning knowing that nobody gives a real **** whether you live or die because you have no positive impact on anybody life, knowing that you have nothing to do with anybody on the weekends, knowing that you have nothing to live for.

 

you have to do what you feel passionate about. you feel passionate about somthing, i just dont know if you accecpt what you feel passionate about. and yes no one cares weather you live or die, but thats everyone beacuse people have too much on their shoulders already. thats just life.

 

I try to imagine things better, I really really do. I recently began exercising, I quit playing video games, but I don't feel any different. I think im so deep in this hole theres no way I can possibly get of it. Im condemned to this sorry ass existence for as long as I decide to live, and I have to painfully live every second of it.

 

change comes in peices not in one big glob

 

Is it even possible get out of this? Iv been thinking about seeing a psychologist. I dont see how achieving any more of my personal goals will help since it does not address the root cause. Thing is, iv always had this problem, even when i was much younger. When I was 16, video games was just an easy escape. Maybe I have Asperger syndrome or something.

 

if you keep plucking away then you can do anything.

 

I really dont want to live like this anymore. Its hurting me. It making me angry at myself and others. The only emotion I have a lot of is anger and depression. I blame my family a lot for not doing anything for me when I was younger, they just let my mind wither away.

 

its up too you to change your life. if you sit around and just cry then nothings going to change you have to change yourself.

 

........................

[wohs11]

TooLittleTooLate,

 

First of respect for sharing your feelings here, even if it is the internet, it shows you know yourself and has made a decision to do something.

 

I can relate very well to what you say, and just a year ago i was at the same place as you more or less.

 

I know most people here adviced you too move on from the past, but i think you have to do the opposite.

 

I dont know what happened in your childhood, but i can tell you mine was pure hell as well many times. I think many people on here that had "normal" upbringings dont recognize the harm it brings. First of all the emotional damage such as you say of feeling "bad" or "below" other people, that you dont trust yourself, dont trust others, dont like yourself, how can you ecspect others to do then?

 

AND just as important is that you was never taught HOW to live a FUNCTIONAL life and have functional relationships. You were never respected, not allowed to have fun? Am i right? You learned a lot of things, just learned the wrong things if that makes sense.

 

FIRST of all i want to say that ITS NOT YOUR FAULT, you have every right to be MAD AND ANGRY at your parents and your family. I even think you should focus on being sorry and mad at them, just do it by yourself, i dont mean you should confront them yet. Really allow yourself to regret never having a real childhood.

 

And i think you should move out from your parents AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, if you still live with them, i cant remeber if you do! I also think you should have as little contact with them as possible for a while, can you talk to any other family members?

 

Definately see a psycologist, NOT a psychiatrist, you dont want drugs, you want compassion and listening, trust me it will help.

 

Taking this first step, which you already have, will change evrything. You, like me, have a lot of growing up to do, and that means falling over and getting hurt, learning, then doing again. You have to learn compassion, empathy, all those skills.

 

By the way, my brother found great strenght in god, i hope i can be more spiritual as well.

 

I hope i didnt sound arrogant or like i have all the answers..

 

Lots of good people and advice on here as well..!

[TooLittleTooLate]

Thanks for your reply, a lot of what you wrote is what has been going through my mind lately. half of me wants to fake suicide just to get attention because nobody is really listening to me. My parents, my brothers, they seem to think that my situation is not a big deal, but it really is. I dont even feel like im a human being. I dont think or act like a regular person most of the time.

 

I have almost no clue how to socially vibe, how to connect with people, how to resolve conflict. **** I just try to imitate other people and do what they do just to fit in. I dont know how to be "be myself". I dont even know who I am, really.

 

When im around others who have much more mature personality's and social ability and experience, I just shut down because I know any stupid incoherent garbage that comes out of my mouth is just going to make me seem like an idiot. I always imagine to be some witty snappy smooth talking person from TV who gets all the ladies or something, but because I cant actually live up to that I feel bad about myself.

 

I piss off so many people at my job, half of them want to kick my ass. I almost got into fights because of it. Im really not sure how I piss them off really, I dont even listen to myself communicate. My boss puts up with a lot of my crap because I just want to rage at something and I take it out at work.

 

This scares me. People who shoot up schools are like me. Think like me. I not at that low yet, but it might happen.