SpEiZ Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 Hey folks! I have a problem...I can't stand having to see my ex-girlfriend all the time. I wan't to get rid of her, get her OUT of my life, but I can't... we have a daughter together. She cheated on me dozens of times, showing no regret or empathy whatsoever. The relationship was broken when I found her in bed with one of my friends. Nowadays she's flipping out, constantly seeking new guys/girls to get in bed with. She even wanted to sleep with my best friend and his girlfriend when she was staying over there for the night. I get embaressed that I was together with her for several years. It is also a problem for me that she still has contact with my best friend (he's doing this because of his girlfriend, who is my ex's best friend (WAS perhaps, until she saw what a s*** she was)). They were shocked. I just want her as much out of my life as I can...it goes so far that I even thought about ditching my best friend, so then at least I cut some part of her away from me. This is a huge step for me, but I actually hate her that much. But I ended up with saying nothing to him, though. She just laughs at me when I ask if it is possible for me to have full custody. After all, I don't think she's mentally good. She's out every wednesday, friday and saturday, finding different babysitters every time. All she thinks about is sex and party. AND if I don't have the time to take my daughter whenever she wants to, she gets angry with me, and calls me a bad father. So it ends up with me having her, even though I don't really have that much time at hands. After all, she "flied away" from our common debts, leaving me with all of it. So now I have two jobs, working maybe 50-60 hours a week, trying to pay it off. On top of it all, I haven't had vacation for 5-6 years (the year we started seeing each other), and my school exams are going straight to h***- Even AFTER the breakup, she stills try to play around with me. I don't want her in my life!! I'm trying to sort out my life right now, and it seems impossible with her still in it. So my question is...how do I handle this? Should I stop having contact with people around her? How should I relate to her? I think I need to minimize my contact with her to keep going in my life...keeping it narrowed down to the concerns of my daughter. Any opinions? Questions? Regards SpEiZ Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 I'm afraid that you can't cut her out of your life completely due to your combined responsibility for your child. However, i do wonder why you know so much about her day to day activity, who's supplying the information? your ex or your friends? If it's your friends, tell them you're not interested. If it's your ex, tell her straight that the only things that you need to know from her are those which affect your child and nothing more. You don't need to lose friends over this, tell them that you don't wish to know anything (at all) about your girlfriends activities negative or otherwise, if after this they continue to report to you, then you will have to consider whether these friends are worth keeping around if they don't respect your (pretty reasonable) wishes Bottom line, keep it strictly "business" you need only know things directly connected to your daughter, and if you are seriously concerned about the welfare of your child, seek help. Is full custody a real possibility if you work such long hours? Do you have family who could help out? Ultimately you're responsible for providing your daughter with the stability that she needs in an environment which is safe and promotes her well being, ideally with access to both parents. A social worker(?) could assess the situation (I'm assuming you're American, so maybe someone American on the board is better informed to advise about the support system) if you have genuine reasons to suspect that your daughter is being neglected. I really feel for you, you see it as a constant reminder of your poor treatment at her hands and your former relationship with someone you now consider an embarrassment, and this is rubbed in your face each time you have contact with her. All I can say is this will get easier in time as you adjust to your new life routine. Hope this helps. xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpEiZ Posted August 6, 2003 Author Share Posted August 6, 2003 Thanks for the reply, it really helps. I'll try to answer some of your questions. If I got custody, I would of course cut down on my workload. I only work full time now in the summer, and after the summer i'm returning to my studies. I live in Norway, and the economical support here for having custody is more than many makes with full salaries. Besides, I get my schooling for free. So the financial/work situation won't become a problem. I told my friends not to tell me anything, because I just don't want to know. I still hates it when she gets between us though...as she is out every weekend, even when she has our daughter, it crashes. Seeing as we got common friends, they have to choose between ONE of us, because we can't stand each other (well, at least I can't stand her). So that's probably the main problem... after all...my best friend is the boyfriend of her best friend. Which takes the problem to another degree, our common friends do not know what to do. I've been told that they rather invite me, though I don't want to start any trouble over this. It probably will get easier with time (it already has), but I have no doubt it will take a looooong time. Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 Your friends don't have to choose, unless what you're saying is that you all hang out at the same places and they have to decide who wants to be there with them. Well, that's their choice. Ultimately though if it upsets you so much being around her, I think staying away from her as much as possible is the best way to deal with it, if it means you have to change your routine a little, then that's what you must do. Regarding custody of your daughter, it's a huge step and the fact that you may cope financially isn't all you need to consider. It will affect everything; your studies, your private life, time to yourself. Not to mention the effect it will have on your ex girlfriend, or rather the dynamic of that situation. But then again a big part of life is making choices and living with the consequences, and if you are seriously concerned for your daughter, then look into it. But don't do it as a way of getting rid of your ex, I can empathise with the motivation, but it's not fair... Other than that, yes it will get better in time and I'm glad you've already noticed an improvement. Who knows in 10 years time you could be the best of friends. Good luck xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpEiZ Posted August 6, 2003 Author Share Posted August 6, 2003 Hehe No, I don't think we'll ever get best friends, not even friends either. Not in this lifetime. She caused me to much pain for me to do that. I usually easily forgive things, that's probably why the relationship lasted as long as it did. I was also to scared to get out of the relationship, I was a prisoner of love, to chicken to get out before it was to late. I now see what kind of person she really is, and it scares me. Hopefully she find someone she love, and settle down with. But I doubt she'll ever have a good relationship, she's much to "out of this world" and selfish for it to happen. But hopefully I'm wrong. lol...she wanted to make a deal with me. She wanted to have sex with me, and we were going to agree that none of us slept with others. As if she would stick up to that deal, when she couldn't live with just me when we were together. At the same time she admitted that she might have a problem, and that she might seek help for it. Well, the next day she had totally changed again, becoming the same b**** as she sometimes was. I told her that we were never going to have sex together again, and that she could go find someone else to fulfill her needs. I would no longer be there for here in any way. She has very sudden mood changes. A real mystery I guess I'll never solve. As for custody goes, I would never go for that only because I wanted to see my ex much less. That's just a big plus. I know it's a lot of work, but I have her with me more than what I should have already, and I think it's the best thing to do. This girl (my ex) is a mystery for me, I don't really know who she is, even though I've been living with her for 5-6 years. It's scary not knowing, but I'll guess I'll see it on my daughter if somethings wrong. After all, she seems happy. Link to post Share on other sites
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 Yes, think of your daughter first, if she's happy, then that's the most important thing. Sounds to me like you'll enjoy having a period of calm in your life after the whirlwind of your ex girlfriend!! You seem well adjusted. Hope everything works out for you. Kan jeg få låne ølen din? Lykke til Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpEiZ Posted August 6, 2003 Author Share Posted August 6, 2003 Originally posted by my_mother's_daughter Sounds to me like you'll enjoy having a period of calm in your life after the whirlwind of your ex girlfriend!! Yep, some things are just sooo much better than they used to be. Miss intimacy & great sex though... Kan jeg få låne ølen din? You may;) Lykke til Takk Klem, SpEiZ PS: still want opinions from others, please post. Link to post Share on other sites
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