I can't stop missing him... what's wrong with me?

[pr-girl]

I thought I was getting over my ex because I maintained NC for 3 months and I was feeling better (still missing him, but feeling better), but I broke that a couple weeks ago. I was going to LA with a group of friends for vacation and he lives there. He said he was happy to hear from me and that he's very happy I'd like to be friends again. I know he was being honest. We tried to meet up, but I couldn't fit him in with all our plans and his work schedule.

 

We were friends before we ever dated. I wanted us to be friends again because the breakup wasn't out of jest. We had an LDR and it was too tough for him. He really is a good guy. He just needed more from me than I could geographically give.

 

I thought I was fine just being friends with him. I really thought I was ok.

 

But, I'm not.

 

I miss him more now then ever. I know he's been on my MySpace. That probably doesn't mean anything, though.

 

I know this all sounds quite immature. I do have a lot going on in my life. Hobbies, work (a lot of work) and friends, but I find myself not wanting to do anything, but go straight home after work. I haven't even been working out. I just feel so sad.

 

What have I done by breaking NC? I feel so stupid! I don't want to talk to my friends about it anymore. They'd probably think I'm crazy. This man treated me better than any man I ever knew. He was honest and affectionate and genuinely cares for me, BUT... he let me go. Why couldn't I just keep it that way?

[northstar1]

I thought I was getting over my ex because I maintained NC for 3 months and I was feeling better (still missing him, but feeling better), but I broke that a couple weeks ago. I was going to LA with a group of friends for vacation and he lives there. He said he was happy to hear from me and that he's very happy I'd like to be friends again. I know he was being honest. We tried to meet up, but I couldn't fit him in with all our plans and his work schedule.

 

We were friends before we ever dated. I wanted us to be friends again because the breakup wasn't out of jest. We had an LDR and it was too tough for him. He really is a good guy. He just needed more from me than I could geographically give.

 

I thought I was fine just being friends with him. I really thought I was ok.

 

But, I'm not.

 

I miss him more now then ever. I know he's been on my MySpace. That probably doesn't mean anything, though.

 

I know this all sounds quite immature. I do have a lot going on in my life. Hobbies, work (a lot of work) and friends, but I find myself not wanting to do anything, but go straight home after work. I haven't even been working out. I just feel so sad.

 

What have I done by breaking NC? I feel so stupid! I don't want to talk to my friends about it anymore. They'd probably think I'm crazy. This man treated me better than any man I ever knew. He was honest and affectionate and genuinely cares for me, BUT... he let me go. Why couldn't I just keep it that way?

 

 

Hey PR

 

Well, to be fair to yourself, 3 months is not a long time to have NC with someone you are trying to get over.

So you broke NC, don't beat yourself up about it. But you also learned that you are not ready to be friends yet, and need more time to be over him.

[pr-girl]

Hey PR

 

Well, to be fair to yourself, 3 months is not a long time to have NC with someone you are trying to get over.

So you broke NC, don't beat yourself up about it. But you also learned that you are not ready to be friends yet, and need more time to be over him.

 

The sad thing is, we broke up in February - 6 months ago. We went about 3 weeks of NC a bit after that, but then saw each other in LA in April. It killed both of us. We spent 12 hours together before he dropped me at the airport. (We didn't sleep together, but were intimate.)

 

About a week later, after several texts and emails, I called him and said what I felt. This was too hard and I wanted to be with or without him. He said the LDR is too hard and it makes him miserable, so we broke up.

 

Now, 3 months of NC later and 6 months of being broken up, I still haven't been able to move on. We were friends for almost a year, but dated only a few months!

 

Shouldn't I be over this by now?

[carhill]

In time, you'll perhaps see that there are some things in life more important than distance and time.

 

Maybe you stumbled upon one of them

[pandagirl]

The sad thing is, we broke up in February - 6 months ago. We went about 3 weeks of NC a bit after that, but then saw each other in LA in April. It killed both of us. We spent 12 hours together before he dropped me at the airport. (We didn't sleep together, but were intimate.)

 

About a week later, after several texts and emails, I called him and said what I felt. This was too hard and I wanted to be with or without him. He said the LDR is too hard and it makes him miserable, so we broke up.

 

Now, 3 months of NC later and 6 months of being broken up, I still haven't been able to move on. We were friends for almost a year, but dated only a few months!

 

Shouldn't I be over this by now?

 

Aw, don't beat yourself up over it. Especially since you were friends before, it's understandable why you miss him so much. There's more of a pure trust there. There's no timeline on when you finally "get over" someone. I'm currently missing someone, too, but trying just to fill my life with good things and people. You should do the same! Instead of dwelling on him, next time you find yourself thinking about him, say "STOP" and go out for a walk, or call a friend, or do SOMETHING to stop the pattern!

[pr-girl]

In time, you'll perhaps see that there are some things in life more important than distance and time.

 

Maybe you stumbled upon one of them

 

I thought HE was more important than the distance. I guess he didn't feel the same way about me.

[northstar1]

The sad thing is, we broke up in February - 6 months ago. We went about 3 weeks of NC a bit after that, but then saw each other in LA in April. It killed both of us. We spent 12 hours together before he dropped me at the airport. (We didn't sleep together, but were intimate.)

 

About a week later, after several texts and emails, I called him and said what I felt. This was too hard and I wanted to be with or without him. He said the LDR is too hard and it makes him miserable, so we broke up.

 

Now, 3 months of NC later and 6 months of being broken up, I still haven't been able to move on. We were friends for almost a year, but dated only a few months!

 

Shouldn't I be over this by now?

 

Not necessarily at all. If you broke up six months ago, but spent time together and were intimate, well, that is kind of like resetting the clock to zero.

LDR's are very hard, and not for most people.

 

And I'm still only a few months from my 'breakup' and I'm still in pain and think of her daily. So, you're not alone.

 

And how long you dated really doesn't equate to how you feel. The worsts breakups for me have been the shorter relationships, where things didn't slowly burn out.

 

Give it more time, but stick to the NC.

[carhill]

I thought HE was more important than the distance. I guess he didn't feel the same way about me.

"He just needed more from me than I could geographically give."

 

Perhaps, in time, that perspective will change.

[northstar1]

I thought HE was more important than the distance. I guess he didn't feel the same way about me.

 

Not everyone can handle the issues that come along with LDR's.

 

It takes a lot of trust, communication and a plan of when you will be in the same city or move in/marry etc.

 

THat uncertainty of things is what ends up with most not being able to handle it.

[pr-girl]

 

And how long you dated really doesn't equate to how you feel. The worsts breakups for me have been the shorter relationships, where things didn't slowly burn out.

 

Give it more time, but stick to the NC.

 

It's good to know I'm not alone in this, but I'm sorry you're feeling this way too.

 

I totally agree with you. My hardest breakups were the shortest ones: 5 months, 3 months. I've been in 3.5 year, 2.5 year, etc. - none of them hurting like this. But, you're right. They slowly burnt out. Also, the longer ones, I broke off. The shorter ones, THEY broke off. Maybe that's part of the problem? Is it my bruised ego? I'm not sure. I feel as though I'm still in love with my ex.

 

I just wish he was mean or something. I wish he said he never wanted to see me again. That way, I'd know he didn't care at all.

 

The hard part is knowing how much he IS attracted to me, values our friendship and admires me. He told me recently again that I'm the most ambitious person he knows. (When we broke up, he said he never thought he was good enough for me. That I'd find better and leave him.) I don't think he's toying with me, though. He was always honest with his feelings and never tried to lead me on. He is very depressed.

 

My career is moving toward LA and my ex lives there. He's a musician and I'm a musical publicist. Same circles... *sigh* I guess, I'll just see what happens when I get there.

[pr-girl]

"He just needed more from me than I could geographically give."

 

Perhaps, in time, that perspective will change.

 

I've missed you, Carhill. You're definitely someone I've thought of in the past few months. You always have such sound advice.

 

The thing is, I was willing to move. It scared him (the thought) since we had only been dating for a few months. I told him to give it up to a year. He said that was "forever" to wait. When I offered 6 months of waiting, he said THAT was too long, but NOW was too soon. What was I to do?

 

What I meant by my quote, "He just needed more from me than I could geographically give," was that he wanted me next to him - in person. He wanted to see me, touch me, smell me. He couldn't do that over 200 miles away. I couldn't "give" him the physical attention he craved. Not sex, but "affection."

[pr-girl]

Not everyone can handle the issues that come along with LDR's.

 

It takes a lot of trust, communication and a plan of when you will be in the same city or move in/marry etc.

 

THat uncertainty of things is what ends up with most not being able to handle it.

 

We had the trust and definitely, the communication, BUT the PLAN is what we were lacking. He had such a hard time just making plans to see each other again. He said that would make everything worse. Everytime we saw each other, he fell more for me - and me for him. He thought we should cut it early on, so the hurt would be less.

 

I don't know if the pain is any less...

[northstar1]

It's good to know I'm not alone in this, but I'm sorry you're feeling this way too.

 

I totally agree with you. My hardest breakups were the shortest ones: 5 months, 3 months. I've been in 3.5 year, 2.5 year, etc. - none of them hurting like this. But, you're right. They slowly burnt out. Also, the longer ones, I broke off. The shorter ones, THEY broke off. Maybe that's part of the problem? Is it my bruised ego? I'm not sure. I feel as though I'm still in love with my ex.

 

I just wish he was mean or something. I wish he said he never wanted to see me again. That way, I'd know he didn't care at all.

 

The hard part is knowing how much he IS attracted to me, values our friendship and admires me. He told me recently again that I'm the most ambitious person he knows. (When we broke up, he said he never thought he was good enough for me. That I'd find better and leave him.) I don't think he's toying with me, though. He was always honest with his feelings and never tried to lead me on. He is very depressed.

 

My career is moving toward LA and my ex lives there. He's a musician and I'm a musical publicist. Same circles... *sigh* I guess, I'll just see what happens when I get there.

 

 

That's exactly it for me. My longer ones slowly ebbed out and so when they ended, it was a long time coming and I was ready for them to end.

 

Well, who knows if your paths will cross again, only time will tell. You may find someone else near you, and so may he.

 

I'd stick to NC for you to heal, and then if you end up in LA one day, see how things are.

[pr-girl]

That's exactly it for me. My longer ones slowly ebbed out and so when they ended, it was a long time coming and I was ready for them to end.

 

Well, who knows if your paths will cross again, only time will tell. You may find someone else near you, and so may he.

 

I'd stick to NC for you to heal, and then if you end up in LA one day, see how things are.

 

Thank you for your advice, Northstar. It's good advice.

 

I hope your heart heals soon...

[northstar1]

Thank you for your advice, Northstar. It's good advice.

 

I hope your heart heals soon...

 

So do I, so do I.

 

Sent you a PM, if you want to chat about it.

[motive2002]

Long distance relationships are a whole other beast compared with normal ones, as I had the privilege to find out for myself.

 

My last relationship was an LDR, and it was the difficulty of coping with the break-up that brought me here to the boards.

It's so incredibly easy to idealize someone from a distance. From my slanted point of view, my ex was the most wonderful person I had ever been with.. but the source of this distorted vision comes from the distance itself. I didn't have her 5 minutes drive away to hang out with constantly.. and really know what it's like to be around her all the time to guide me. So in the absence of this experience, I created the rest of the relationship in my own imagination.

 

Maybe this describes your situation and maybe it doesn't. I only have my own experience to draw from on this, but.. it really was like the whole thing was magical.. or "fairy tale" like. The reunions.. the departures, all very high on the emotional scale. I still remember her and her daughter waving goodbye to me through the security window at the airport. We couldn't hear each other through the barrier, so we'd call on the cell phone and talk to each other before I finally had to board.

It was romance amplified on a scale that you just don't see in the more common, local type of relationship, where you can see each other a lot more frequently.

 

Also the electronic communication was nuts. My text messages and instant messenger.. the e-mails.. all lifelines to my SO that were checked constantly. So much can be interpreted, or misinterpreted though text on a phone, or words in an e-mail. We talked all the time on the phone, but again it was like making out on T-mobile.. all this longing for each other.. and then of course the emotional reunion as mentioned before. It just isn't normal or healthy as far as I can see.. and almost impossible to judge how you'd really be together if you lived in the same city.

 

So the break-up was just as emotionally charged as the rest of the relationship. It was, by far the hardest relationship I've had to get over, because so much of it was in my thoughts, rather than in person.. and in my thoughts they remained.. and still do. It's like a dream, with little hints in the waking world that it was actually real.

 

Occasionally I still look around the apartment for evidence that she was actually here. That it wasn't just a fantasy... or a dream. It's crazy!

 

I've learned my lesson about long-distance relationships the hard way. There are people that say LDR's can work, and people that have relocated and lived happily ever after, but I really think it's the extreme minority. Too damn easy to fall head over heels with someone on the internet, when anonymity and putting your best foot forward is an easy feat to accomplish.

 

There's my personal take on LDR's and getting over them. Hope it wasn't too ranty. I think I know how you feel on some level...

[northstar1]

Long distance relationships are a whole other beast compared with normal ones, as I had the privilege to find out for myself.

 

My last relationship was an LDR, and it was the difficulty of coping with the break-up that brought me here to the boards.

It's so incredibly easy to idealize someone from a distance. From my slanted point of view, my ex was the most wonderful person I had ever been with.. but the source of this distorted vision comes from the distance itself. I didn't have her 5 minutes drive away to hang out with constantly.. and really know what it's like to be around her all the time to guide me. So in the absence of this experience, I created the rest of the relationship in my own imagination.

 

Maybe this describes your situation and maybe it doesn't. I only have my own experience to draw from on this, but.. it really was like the whole thing was magical.. or "fairy tale" like. The reunions.. the departures, all very high on the emotional scale. I still remember her and her daughter waving goodbye to me through the security window at the airport. We couldn't hear each other through the barrier, so we'd call on the cell phone and talk to each other before I finally had to board.

It was romance amplified on a scale that you just don't see in the more common, local type of relationship, where you can see each other a lot more frequently.

 

Also the electronic communication was nuts. My text messages and instant messenger.. the e-mails.. all lifelines to my SO that were checked constantly. So much can be interpreted, or misinterpreted though text on a phone, or words in an e-mail. We talked all the time on the phone, but again it was like making out on T-mobile.. all this longing for each other.. and then of course the emotional reunion as mentioned before. It just isn't normal or healthy as far as I can see.. and almost impossible to judge how you'd really be together if you lived in the same city.

 

So the break-up was just as emotionally charged as the rest of the relationship. It was, by far the hardest relationship I've had to get over, because so much of it was in my thoughts, rather than in person.. and in my thoughts they remained.. and still do. It's like a dream, with little hints in the waking world that it was actually real.

 

Occasionally I still look around the apartment for evidence that she was actually here. That it wasn't just a fantasy... or a dream. It's crazy!

 

I've learned my lesson about long-distance relationships the hard way. There are people that say LDR's can work, and people that have relocated and lived happily ever after, but I really think it's the extreme minority. Too damn easy to fall head over heels with someone on the internet, when anonymity and putting your best foot forward is an easy feat to accomplish.

 

There's my personal take on LDR's and getting over them. Hope it wasn't too ranty. I think I know how you feel on some level...

 

I can definitely relate to most of your post. The electronic communication was a killer. Always waiting for them, wondering what is up if they are 'late'. Not sure how to read them, what the real meaning is.

[northstar1]

Wow, today is a bad day. Just feeling completely alone and fully of sadness. Missing the ex like crazy today. I have weekend plans, but I dont even feel like being around people right now.

 

Why does it seem some days are so brutal still?

[pr-girl]

Long distance relationships are a whole other beast compared with normal ones, as I had the privilege to find out for myself.

 

My last relationship was an LDR, and it was the difficulty of coping with the break-up that brought me here to the boards.

It's so incredibly easy to idealize someone from a distance. From my slanted point of view, my ex was the most wonderful person I had ever been with.. but the source of this distorted vision comes from the distance itself. I didn't have her 5 minutes drive away to hang out with constantly.. and really know what it's like to be around her all the time to guide me. So in the absence of this experience, I created the rest of the relationship in my own imagination.

 

 

You've explained EXACTLY how I felt in my relationship. When we broke up, he told em that we had created so much fantasy about each other, that we probably didn't even realize how different we really are. Maybe he's right...

[pr-girl]

Wow, today is a bad day. Just feeling completely alone and fully of sadness. Missing the ex like crazy today. I have weekend plans, but I dont even feel like being around people right now.

 

Why does it seem some days are so brutal still?

 

Because they are still on our minds.

 

When I had maintaines NC for 3 months, I was feeling better. Still missing him, but feeling better.

 

My ex was on my MySpace again last night. That's 2 days in a row. Hmmm...

 

Keep good thoughts in your mind today! That's what I'm going to try. I know it's tough. I don't know if I'm a good advice-giver at the moment.

[carhill]

OP, I did have a LDR many years ago, a 6000 mile one, prior to meeting my wife. Relationships are what people make of them. LDR's mean allowing for travel and scheduling time, as well as learning to show love and interest through other means.

 

My wife has a close friend who lives where you do. It's 44.00 one way on Allegiant from CenCal. She pops over quite frequently and spends a night or two with her GF. Conversely, her GF is popping over here in a couple weeks to head up north with us to a concert. Both of them are self-employed. Her GF is actually in the same business as you (promotion work for the casinos in her case) They make time for their friendship.

 

I still maintain that if you and he had been right for each other, it would've worked out. I don't get why he would try to keep the porch warm if he wasn't interested in making time for you. If I were single and interested, Vegas is only an hour away (by jet). It would be a no-brainer. Enjoy the now and not worry about the future

 

I guess this doesn't help the getting over process, but, for me, understanding the why's always helps me let go. The hard part is seeing reality clearly....

[Megolicious]

I'm going through the same exact thing! My ex and I were in a LDR for 6 months. He broke up with me on our five months then we decided to try it out again but he changed so much so I ended up breaking up with him the day before our 6 month anniversary. It was so hard, but I didn't give him all my trust the second time since he hurt me so bad by breaking up with me out of nowhere the first time around.

 

You really do make your LDR person seem so amazing because you only see them every once in awhile and when you do see them all the passions of missing each other are there so you will always see the good side of you SO. You really don't know how they would act around you every single day. If they would still act sweet like they do or if they have a bad side.

 

I'm working on a week without NC from my ex. I miss him soo much! Its unbelievable how much I miss him. I want to just send him a text and break the NC, but I know if I do it would kill me to only be friends with him and Id be missing him even more. I miss him now, but Im doing so much better because I've been keeping my mind off of it and instead of texting him I'll text a friend or call them and tell them to go out with me for a few hours. Working out at the gym has also helped keep my mind off of it especially when I go with my friends.

 

He told me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me forever. And like you Pr-girl, he also told me that he couldn't wait for me to graduate in a year because it was too long of a wait for him. We only live two hours away from each other. He would come every weekend to see me and sleep over my place. He told me that Im the only girl he has ever loved and the best relationship he has ever been in, but he wouldn't change for me and accept the small distance that was between us.

 

If I was you Pr-Girl, I would stay with the NC. Let him contact you for once if he really cares about you like he says he does. If he doesn't contact you then it will just make it easier for you to move on. Eventually we'll both find someone who actually wants to be with us and won't discard us for distance and who would wait a lifetime just so they could have us in their arms.

[Stockalone]

I wanted us to be friends again because the breakup wasn't out of jest. We had an LDR and it was too tough for him. He really is a good guy. He just needed more from me than I could geographically give.

 

I thought I was fine just being friends with him. I really thought I was ok.

 

But, I'm not.

 

I miss him more now then ever.

 

I am very sorry to hear that you are still so sad. I was following your threads earlier this year and when you took a timeout from LS, I had hoped that you did so because you had gotten better.

 

From personal experience, I can assure you that it is not good to dwell on those thoughts and feeling sad. But I am afraid I can't tell you how to get over those feelings either.

 

The one thing in your situation that comes to mind is that you have done all that you could. I don't think it had anything to do with what you couldn't offer him (geographically or otherwise).

 

He was unable to overcome his own issues. He didn't have enough faith in your relationship, he was not confident enough despite your best efforts to make him see the flaw in his logic. He was so afraid of being hurt if he ever lost you after being in a more serious relationship with you, that he didn't give it a shot and didn't even fight for the relationship in the first place.

 

To make a LDR work, you can't focus on the misery that comes when one leaves for a week, or a month. He should have focused on the joy when he sees you again and in the meantime cherish and draw strength from those memories of when you were together.

 

 

I know this all sounds quite immature. I do have a lot going on in my life. Hobbies, work (a lot of work) and friends, but I find myself not wanting to do anything, but go straight home after work. I haven't even been working out. I just feel so sad.

 

A renewed friendship might be good for you to get closure or maybe he will realize he made a mistake and would want you back in his life. But I wouldn't want to bet on the latter one.

 

On the other hand, it could simply leave you feeling empty because it is not the same as when you were together.

 

So I don't know if a friendship or going NC again is the right way to go. In hindsight, I would love a chance to go back in time, but at the time it was the right decision for me to go NC.

 

You have to do what feels right. I am sure you will know which way to lean if you think about it for a while.

 

 

What have I done by breaking NC? I feel so stupid! I don't want to talk to my friends about it anymore. They'd probably think I'm crazy. This man treated me better than any man I ever knew. He was honest and affectionate and genuinely cares for me, BUT... he let me go. Why couldn't I just keep it that way?

 

You contacted him, so I would wait to see if he manages to man up and contact you and see where it goes from there.

 

I am not sure if I remember correctly, but didn't you have plans to move back to his area regardless if the relationship would work or not, albeit in a year or so?

 

You could always give the relationship one last try if you are no longer long distance.

[pr-girl]

 

If I was you Pr-Girl, I would stay with the NC. Let him contact you for once if he really cares about you like he says he does. If he doesn't contact you then it will just make it easier for you to move on. Eventually we'll both find someone who actually wants to be with us and won't discard us for distance and who would wait a lifetime just so they could have us in their arms.

 

I don't even know what to write here. Your post made my eyes well up with tears... because you are SO RIGHT.

 

Thank you.

[pr-girl]

He should have focused on the joy when he sees you again and in the meantime cherish and draw strength from those memories of when you were together.

 

You have to do what feels right. I am sure you will know which way to lean if you think about it for a while.

 

You contacted him, so I would wait to see if he manages to man up and contact you and see where it goes from there.

 

I am not sure if I remember correctly, but didn't you have plans to move back to his area regardless if the relationship would work or not, albeit in a year or so?

 

 

Hi there! Long time no write!

 

You have a lot of really enlightening things to say. I always focused on the happy times while we were in a relationship. He focused on the miserable ones. That is why we failed. He was miserable without me there and he couldn't see past his big black hole.

 

I won't contact him again unless he contacts me.

 

Yes, I plan to move back to LA next year. That is where my job will lead me. Whether he and I ever have a chance again... only time will tell.