discokings Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hi everyone, Ive been in a serious relationship for 3 years now. We dont live together yet, but spend about 4 nights a week together. Anyway, Ill try to keep it short. The first year my boyfriend wasnt behaving very good. I had a funny feeling and after a year and a month I decided to read his texts, chat logs etc. And, tadaa, what did I see? Inappropriate talks with 4 (!) girls that I knew aswell, and who he claimed were just friends. ' Although nothing physical happened (I could tell from their conversation) it was still really not done, the things he said. So, I confronted him and he confessed. partly, because now (2 years later) bits of info are still coming out. Ive asked him time and time again: were there any other girls? did anything else happen? And he always says no, but Ive come to find out more things over time. He changed a lot since I found out 2 years ago. He cut all contact with the girls, doesnt go out with his single guyfriends anymore and is just generally being a good boyfriend. Problem is, I dont think Ill ever be able to trust him again. We are at a point now which for me is the "All or nothing" point. I own my own house, so does he. We are planning on buying together next year when I finish my university. But, I cant help but feel there's more. I dont fully trust him when he's texting, although he is so open about everything. Also, I dont enjoy sex with him anymore, not like before, after reading the things he said to those girls. So he had turned to porn. I dont mind it when Im not there, when he's alone I mean, but he also watches it while Im sitting on the couch near him. He will be on the computer and get up after a while to get a drink, Ill run over and check the history: and whohoo, there's the porn! Anyway, my problem is: do I stay, after being through a lot already, but does that nagging feeling of "what else is there... what is yet to come.. can I trust him?" ever go? It is not possible to start clean. Too much has happened. Do I take that risk, or do I cut my losses now. Im only 25... but I really do love him and we work well on all other aspects. I just cant shake that feeling of insecurity that there might be something else and something more. Help! Link to post Share on other sites
Staring Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 you said he is very open with you maybe your insecure because you aren't with him Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 But, I cant help but feel there's more. I dont fully trust him when he's texting, although he is so open about everything. Also, I dont enjoy sex with him anymore, not like before, after reading the things he said to those girls. So he had turned to porn. I dont mind it when Im not there, when he's alone I mean, but he also watches it while Im sitting on the couch near him. He will be on the computer and get up after a while to get a drink, Ill run over and check the history: and whohoo, there's the porn! Anyway, my problem is: do I stay, after being through a lot already, but does that nagging feeling of "what else is there... what is yet to come.. can I trust him?" ever go? It is not possible to start clean. Too much has happened. Do I take that risk, or do I cut my losses now. Im only 25... but I really do love him and we work well on all other aspects. I just cant shake that feeling of insecurity that there might be something else and something more. Help! As I read it, your question is should you stay with, buy a house with and possibly marry and have children with someone you don't trust, don't respect and don't feel sexually attracted to ? I wish they were all this easy ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 posting snafu pls ignore... Link to post Share on other sites
luna3 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 yeah, what he said! really, you say that you can't "start clean" and it seems unlikely that you will ever trust him the way you did before, can't shake the doubts, sex is affected. what exactly makes you think that any of this will go away once you purchase a house with the man? if you're doubting now, you really will be freaking out later when you have stretch marks, baggy, sleepless eyes from two small kids, and a mortgage to pay. i'm not trying to be mean, but sometimes i think people want validation for what they've already decided to do anyway. unless you can clear up the past and have complete faith in his loyalty, there really isn't any reason to go forward with this. especially not for someone who is young, financialy secure (you said that you own your own place), and educated. the man has a need for variety, as i'm sure most do. he was getting it through the chitchat, and now he gets it through the porn. especially now, when you admit that things have gone downhill sexually. he will continue to do so, and the more you pull away because of your insecurity about his faithfulness, the more he may be willing seek without you. Link to post Share on other sites
dropdeadlegs Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 If you don't have trust or passionate sex at this point, I suggest it will only get worse. It IS possible to start clean, but BOTH partners have to be willing to wipe the previous slate clean. That isn't an easy task, but it can be done. Can you both do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author discokings Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 wow.. thanks everyone for being so honest. I should add some info. Its not lke this all the time, it comes in waves. Generally, it will go fine fo about 5 months, then a period of about 2 weeks things will blow up and Ill start getting all these insecure feelings, dont want sex etc. So its not like that all the time. If that was so, Id be loooong gone!! Every relationship has its ups and downs. I can be fine with the past for months on end, and feel secure etc. Then, something might happen, and BAMM there goes the happy feeling. Do you think that changes your opinions about me leaving him? Or is everyone still convinced its a bad bad idea to stay? Im sure everyone goes through fases in their R's that aren't pleasent... Let me know! I really appriciate your reply's and honesty, I cant say Im surprised about the content of them, because any person with an ounce of brains would probably give the same advice. But please let me know what you think about the "fases" thing. Thanks! Greetings from Europe DK. Link to post Share on other sites
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