What is your definition of a "friend"?

[Beaches]

This is actually my first post and I decided to get some outside opinions and thoughts.

 

I've had the same group of girlfriends for over 11 years. One particular friend was brought into the group a couple of years ago and at first me and one of my other friends really didn't like her. After sometime we both realized.."hey she's not that bad". We all became close and we grew closer and closer...but I always had a hunch that something wasn't right.

 

She is the type of person that will tell you whatever she feels is right regardless if she hurts your feelings or not. She is the type of person that constantly throw things in your face if you make one little mistake...like if she doesn't make any . But through all that I've grown to understand her ways and not take personal what she says because she is suppose to be one of my "best friends". She is very aggressive and makes little comments and jokes that really hurt. I know sometimes you need that one friend that tells you like it is but I think it's the way you say it and how you say it.

 

I can't really think of one time that she has truly been there for me and after this fall out (really long story) I realized I should be more careful of who I let close to me. I'm just a sucker and like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I feel I am a trustworthy friend and I would do anything for my friends. I dont' judge them or bring them down when they make mistakes. During our arguement she brought back shyt that happened 2 years ago. My answer to her was if it bothered her that much and she couldnt' forgive and forget than the friendship should have never remained. It wasn't anything major...just stupid shyt.

 

So enough ranting...What is your definition of a friend?? Should I try to move forward and forgive her or is it time to just say goodbye??

[KinAZ]

Well, some times that "one little mistake" to you might have been something that really offended her. I had a similar situation, and the problem was that this person... just didn't seem to care much that she had done something to offend me. Not only that, when I told her that I had a problem with something she did, she tried to turn it around and say that I *really* had a problem with something else. As if to remove blame from herself.

 

I'm an open person, or at least I try to be. And so, if someone does something that is very hurtful or offensive, I either remove myself from him/her or I try to talk it out if that person's friendship is of any value. Pretending like things didn't happen... I don't think it's healthy at all. You let offenses build up without saying anything, and then what happens to the friendship??? LOL, but that other person... to me, it would seem like a problem if the other person had issues with communication and honesty.

 

If I do something that upsets or offends you, let me know! If you don't open your mouth about it, but when I express myself you say "It's not like you've never done anything wrong"... I would wonder why on earth you didn't resolve an issues.

 

Similarly, lol I have also been accused by ONE person of bringing up "old" things. In her case (and she didn't want to see it) it was repeated behavior. And in similar situations, she too has brought up "old" but related issues... she just didn't want to see it the same way.

 

So, if you don't see any value in her friendship, why remain friends? But if you're trying to judge her as a "bad" friend, have you first taken the time to HONESTLY consider whether she had a point?

[Beaches]

I did consider and thought about what she said...but some of the things she had never discussed with me that it bothered her. So it was new to me.

 

I know there are always 2 sides to the story and I'm not saying I wasn't in some type of fault however, I try to express my feelings and get my point accross without hurting anyone and bashing at them. I try to talk instead of agrue.

 

I felt,somewhat attacked...I mean there's a lot to the story but I'm the same way KinAZ..If I did something to hurt or offend you please tell me..how else would I know. Friendship is like any other relationip, it take time and effort. I've done this, I've been patient and forgiven her for all her little comments and rudeness...Sometimes it's just better to stay quiet if you have nothing nice to say and if you really feel you need to express your feelings...I think there' s a way to go about it.

[Lizzie60]

My definition of a true friend:

 

First.. I will say that a true friend is very RARE!!!! we are lucky if we have ONE in our life.. well I am more than lucky cause I have TWO...

 

I've been friend with one for over 53 yrs now... and the other for over 40 years.

 

For me, a good friend is someone who will not 'sugar coat' who will tell you exactly how it is... what they feel, etc.. they are HONEST.

 

They are people you can count on, at anytime, for any reasons..

 

They are non judgemental.. they love you unconditionally.

 

I am blessed to have TWO 'true friends' :love:

[KinAZ]

If you think there's more to her jokes or sarcasm than just playful humor, or if you just find them offensive regardless of their intentions... just let her know that, while you understand that she doesn't mean any harm, the things she says do bother you.

 

If she continues even after that, I would say she's not really respecting or caring about your feelings, and you might want to seriously considering distancing yourself from her.

 

I don't know the situation, and I'm not doubting you take on it either, but as the one who was on the other side with someone I consider to be extremely close to me, "little things" to one might be pretty big to another. For example, trust is a huge deal to me, and so are some common courtesies, but they're NOT to this other person. While some things I can chalk up to a difference in opinion, there are other things I would take more offense to.

 

And depending on personality types and delicate areas, how her expressions make you feel will vary as well. I'm a pretty blunt person most of the times, but even when I try to be delicate... if the person is sensitive to criticism... it will still feel like an attack.

 

I think the first thing you need to figure out is whether or not you think she means well but is just not handling matters appropriately, OR if you think she's being intentionally malicious, hurtful, or vindictive. If you think it's intentional, especially if you have talked to her before about her addressing matters in a hurtful way, then you should probably leave her behind.

 

In my situation, there would have been no delicate way of putting it. I handled it with kid gloves and she still couldn't handle the "criticism", even when I told her that I wasn't trying to be critical of her (or our friendship), but rather speak openly about my feelings and perspective.

 

All of those things aside, if you don't think she's sincere or that she is purposefully hurting you... I wouldn't worry about trying to save the friendship, as friends just don't do that to one another.

[Beaches]

KinAZ....you bring up some really good points...it's sad..I dont' know what her intentions are and I should. I can be sarcastic at times and I can be blunt I just think about what I'm going to say before I say...well I try too. If I didn't care for her friendship it wouldn't bother me and that's the hard part

[KinAZ]

Well, I think the best way to tell how sincere she is would be to tell her about your sensitive areas, or the particular things which hurt your feelings. If she "forgets" you might want to distance yourself a bit. Also, pay close attention to whether or not she is going after nerves. It may not be intentional because I think most of us can tell when something just doesn't sound right, especially when it is happening repeatedly.

 

I've known a few people like this before, and while I don't think it was with the intent of being hurtful directly, I still distanced myself. I started to get the feeling that they were trying to make themselves feel better about their own situations by they way they dealt with mine, or mentioned certain things. While I tried to be understanding of their rough patches (as it was a change in behavior), I still didn't want to be around it.

 

The best thing you can do is talk to her about it.

[soda]

My definition of a friend:

 

Someone whose companionship I am glad to have and I would miss if I were to lose it.

 

It's someone who doesn't mind telling me how it is, but doesn't make me feel worse off for asking.

 

It's someone I know that I can call for help regardless of the time.

 

It's someone who complements my personality, but doesn't make me change mine in order to thrive.

 

It's someone who enjoys my company and never becomes "too busy" to take a few minutes to maintain the friendship.

 

Finally, it's someone that I would be proud and eager to tell everyone else about. It's a person who doesn't make me pause to worry what others might think about our relationship.

 

Sadly, I don't think I've ever found this friend yet. A few times, I thought I might have, but reality has always set in.

[Beaches]

My definition of a friend:

 

Someone whose companionship I am glad to have and I would miss if I were to lose it.

 

It's someone who doesn't mind telling me how it is, but doesn't make me feel worse off for asking.

 

It's someone I know that I can call for help regardless of the time.

 

It's someone who complements my personality, but doesn't make me change mine in order to thrive.

 

It's someone who enjoys my company and never becomes "too busy" to take a few minutes to maintain the friendship.

 

Finally, it's someone that I would be proud and eager to tell everyone else about. It's a person who doesn't make me pause to worry what others might think about our relationship.

 

Sadly, I don't think I've ever found this friend yet. A few times, I thought I might have, but reality has always set in.

 

 

 

I don't feel that way towards this "friend".

 

And it's funny I had another encoutner with her last night and it just reassured me she doesn't care about my feelings or our friendship. Her attitude is what "you can do for her". I've always been the type to have more guy friends and my "girlfriends" well as you can see one is gone and I have 2 really close friends that were there way before she ever came into the picture and they understand me and accept me for who I am as I do they.

 

I'm not asking for her to change her ways, she is the way she is but if she can't "try" to consider my feelings and opinions than why I should I. All I get from her is a negative vibe and since she's been out of the picture, I feel more calm. Sad to say but the truth. I've been feeling like I've should have done this a long time ago.

[Trialbyfire]

Friendship is a two-way street. If she can't pony up and support you, when times get tough, what kind of friend is that? I would move on from someone who only wants you to give but is unwilling to return.

 

As for my definition of a close friend:

• A person who can tell me like it is, straight-up.
  
• A person who can take it straight-up.
  
• Someone who I can trust, who knows they can trust me back.
  
• A person who can give and receive loyalty and support. I'm the type who will back you to the wall, regardless of the impact to me personally. I expect a friend to return the same.
  
• A person who I can respect and who gives respect back.
  
• Someone I can love who loves me back.
  

One way friends are users.

[Quinch]

Someone who I can trust enough to talk to about anything

 

Someone who I care about and cares about me in return

 

Someone who is with me through the bad times as much as the good

 

Someone who will stand by me no matter how much of an idiot I am

 

Someone who has faith in me when nobody else does

 

Someone who will drop everything and be there when I really need help

 

Someone who I am proud to call my friend

[Taramere]

The people I'm closest friends with I had a good feeling about from or near the start. They might have been in a foul mood and making a commotion about something, or sitting in a corner quietly....but somehow I'd just know "I like that person, and they're going to like me." Then one of you approaches the other with a friendly gesture. It's almost like dating, really.

 

The very close friendships are that "I don't know why...I just like them" sense, plus a near familial feeling of trust within the friendship.

[waleen]

"A friend is the person who will bust you out of jail, and true friend is the one sitting next to you saying "Wow that was fun!""

I don't know who said that, but I think its a good definition

Another way to put it

"A true friend is some one who reminds you the tune in your heart when you forget it"

[SimpleGirl.]

She is the type of person that will tell you whatever she feels is right regardless if she hurts your feelings or not. She is the type of person that constantly throw things in your face if you make one little mistake...like if she doesn't make any. But through all that I've grown to understand her ways and not take personal what she says because she is suppose to be one of my "best friends". She is very aggressive and makes little comments and jokes that really hurt. I know sometimes you need that one friend that tells you like it is but I think it's the way you say it and how you say it.

 

I used to have a 'friend' like this. She would attack you for any little thing, and if she didnt like something about you or she didnt like something you have said, she will make it very clear that i was in the wrong and tell me, but have no consideration for my feelings. Yes, i appreciate honesty, but she made honesty aggressive, blunt and all around nasty. That was her version of honesty - making you feel as small as possible.

 

 

I'm very lucky to have 2 true friends in my life. One of them i have grown up with and will know her for 20 years very soon, the other i've only known a couple of years.

 

A true friend is someone you feel completely at ease with, like, you dont feel as if you need to make conversation or do this and that. When you argue, you don't go and call eachother everything under the sun THEN come back and make up. You just figure it out there and then. They will help you no matter what the circumstances are. And finally, i consider a friend to be someone who you geniunly love and would miss if you were to lose them.

 

"The only way to have friends, is to be one yourself"

 

 

SimpleGirl*

[Trialbyfire]

Oh, one more thing that I didn't mention but assumed everyone pretty much wants or needs, a close friend must have a heart of gold. Generosity of spirit is so important from the giving and receiving perspective, be it time or emotion.

 

Independence is also very important. I have no codependent close friendships. We're all pretty casual of which some friends, we don't see or talk to each other for months, but then suddenly will get back into contact and take up where we left off during our last spate of contact. If someone wants to have more consistent contact, that works too!

 

Strength of person and confidence are also key ingredients. No overly-sensitive individuals need apply!

 

Much of this is based on trust and respect for each other. Not blind trust but mature trust. I know I can depend on them if I need them, with the reverse holding true.

[Meaplus3]

Someone with whom I can be my true self with and that someone can in return be their true self with me.

 

AP:)

[Shygirl15]

Based on what Meaplus3 described, I have just realized that my sister, who is 10 years older than I am, is my best friend.

[Zal2008]

OK, I am going to try to answer this question too, although I haven't had a true friend in a long time.

 

A true friend is someone who loves you always, no matter what you've done. What is love? Love is sacrifice. A true friend sacrifices her own resources for your well-being, not all the time, but often and especially when you need/want it. What kind of resources? Her time, her physical energy, perhaps money, clothes and car, etc. These are just examples.

 

It would be just as important for her to be able and willing to receive such things from you too, in order to be a "true friend."

 

I had a good friend who always gave and was uncomfortable with receiving (i.e. being vulnerable). This posed problems.

[BklynGuy]

I think it all depends upon YOUR definition of what a friend should be. I've had ppl I would do anything for, but it was'nt reciprocated. I've had ppl that want to sleep with my girl and tell me that (indirectly). I've had ppl that get jeaolus over who I'm dating....Ultimately, I don't know how to DEFINE a friend.