Am I wasting my time even trying to fix it?

[jon4507]

I mistakenly posted this in the dating section where I got no responses, so here it is again in the correct forum. My apologies for the repost.

 

 

 

 

First off let me start by saying that even though this is my first post, I’ve been lurking here for a couple of months now (when I first started to have problems with my GF). Just readying about other people having problems in their relationships has been a surprisingly good therapy to keep my spirits up (“I’m obviously not crazy since I’m not the only one facing these issues” is what that told me).

 

I’ve been hesitating for a few days at to whether I should write my own but I finally took the plunge. I’m going to apologise in advance as this is probably going to turn into a novel…

 

Ok, so I’m in my mid-20s and I’ve been dating this girl for 2 years now; we moved in together a year ago. I’ve previously gove out with her for another 1.5 year stretch so globally I’ve know her for about 5 years now.

Now a key information about myself: my job requires me to travel quite a bit. Over the last year I’m only been home 50-55% of the time, the rest being on the road working. However my work assignments are always of short duration, a few days to 2-3 weeks at the most. This is something I made my GF aware of before I started this relationship; she didn’t mind in the beginning but lately she’s been complaining. To me it doesn’t represent a problem, I’m never gone very long and I’m all that more eager to see her when I come back. To me it also makes it easy for us not to get tired of seeing one another but I’m not sure she sees it that way.

 

I consider this job to be a great opportunity and to offer incredible carrier opportunities so I’m not willing to let it go because of somebody else’s opinion. I’ve skipped over other opportunities in the past because of other people’s opinion but I don’t want to make that mistake again. I want to take my destiny into my own hands so to speak.

 

Anyways, the problems started about 6 months ago. In a drunken bout my girlfriend said some things that caused me to re-evaluate our relationship. Basically I realised that from my point of view I was doing most of the giving and initiating of things and she was doing most of the taking (i.e. I always initiate sex, she asks for kisses and I give them instead of her just straight up kissing me, etc…). I was also a little bit frustrated with our sex life; I always had to initiate things and she didn’t feel like it all that often. She also kept making comments about how I was obsessed with sex and only thought about that (I’m sorry but there’s nothing abnormal about a mid 20s guy wanting sex more than once per 1-1.5week). Now, I’m a rational enough person to know that the point of view presented in this text is probably a little bias but I still believe it to be true.

 

Anyways, I decided to run a little experiment and stopped initiating thing to see what would happen. I know I know, “games” are bad, but I had to validate my point of view, and validate it I did! All the passion left our relationship in the span of a few weeks! (along with our sex life, or should I say mine…) During that time I had to leave for a 3 week trip to a pretty remote place and pretty much I had to initiate communication with my GF otherwise I would go days without any news from her what so ever.

 

Well it turn out she also had grief against me for other stuff and that was her way of retaliating. This is a fact I only discovered after confronting her after receiving the cold shoulder treatment for over 2 months straight! At my insistence we had a heart felt discussion and finally she told me she was frustrated because I wasn’t doing enough house work; something which I acknowledged and promised to work on. I return I told her I was very frustrated about the physical part of our relationship. At that point she broke down crying in my arms and saying it was true and she’s sorry, it was all her fault and she knew she’d intentionally been giving me the cold shoulder instead of telling me what was wrong, she was a bad person, she has no libido, etc… It ended with me comforting her (as the dumb nice guy that I am) but not really getting any commitment from her side to work on things. (Note: I’m a fairly sexual person so you can imagine the amount of frustration that 2 straight months of no sex created for me).

 

Following this discussion, I made efforts on my part and our sex life restarted albeit not at the same (not very high) level it was previously. On her side I didn’t much change. A few months pass and the cold shoulder has come back and again we have a heart felt discussion. She again accuses me of the same things but acknowledge that I’m making efforts and getting there. She does mention that she doesn’t like the fact that I’m travelling that often because “she all alone in the house”. On my side I tell her that I’m frustrated with the physical part of our relationship and again she breaks down crying while saying that “she like that” and doesn’t have a libido as high as mine (it’s not like mine is that high, I’m content with once every couple of days). So now not only do I not get any kind of commitment, I don’t even get and acknowledgement of the situation! But being the nice guy that I am and comfort her in my arm and like an idiot I don’t continue the discussion.

 

Now fast forward to a week ago; the cold shoulder as come back big time. I haven’t heard an “I love you” in weeks whereas I tell her almost daily. Now to me this is real hurtful as she barely acknowledges it when I say it and don’t say it back. We finally had another discussion, again at my insistence where I finally told her that I’d been frustrated for months at this point of being ignored, that I hated to go to bed alone at night (she sleeps on her side and won’t let me snuggle against her for more than a few minutes, and only if I go to bed at the same time, otherwise I wake her up) and that I basically felt like a roommate more than a boy friend (she hadn’t kissed me in a couple of weeks in retaliation because of one day weeks ago she had I was ignoring her). It ended just like the other 2 discussions (her crying in my arm, saying she’s a bad person, etc…) but she did bring up the point that she wasn’t sure if we belonged together right before crying. At that point I decided to take things rationally and let her make her own mind but the subject hasn’t resurfaced and it’s been 1 weeks.

 

At this point she’s going away for 2 weeks to see her family so I’m curious about what’s going to happen when she comes back. She’ll obviously have thought about the situation… I would actually not be surprised if she wanted to break it off but was scared of doing so because of the shared living arrangement (both our names are on the lease and she’s still a student so she can’t afford to live alone).

 

From my side I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve got 6 months of pent-up frustration in me that I’m trying not to let influence my judgement; I’m nice guy so I didn’t let it out on her in those discussions otherwise I know I would have ripped her apart in a very nasty way. I do genuinely love this girl but it seems that I’m the only one that’s willing to work and make adjustments to make things work. At this point I’m wondering if it’s even worth the energy to try to fix things since I seem to be the only one willing to work. She’s also never been very sexual with me in the past but she seems to indicate that she was in other previous relationship with guys she clicked with less than me.

 

The easy solution would be to roll over and just do as she wants (and probably cut off my balls as well…). I could also leave her but that would complicate the living arrangement; I can afford to live alone but it really doesn’t make sense with me being gone so often. However I did insist on a 2 bedroom flat when we moved in just in case of this kind of situation and I know I could probably pull of the roommate scenario for a while. It wouldn’t be easy but I could do it. She might be the love of my life but as I mentioned earlier, I’m not willing to leave my job and have someone else’s opinion dictate my destiny.

 

Also just so people don’t get me wrong, I said I was rational quite a few times but I can also be a very passionate and emotional guy; I just have the ability to turn this part of me "OFF" if it’s necessary.

 

Anyways, all of this leaves me with the following question: Is it even worth it for me to try to salvage the situation at this point?

 

Thx to those who managed to get to this point.

 

Jon

 

P.S. Sorry about the long text but I feel this is a complex situation and all the information needed to be said. It’s also been very therapeutic for me to write it all down.

[luna3]

i have a question:

 

if you're gone most of the time, what percentage of the housework "should" you be doing, according to her? i'm personally not partial to the modern version of relationship equality, where man and woman are both expected to split responsibilities not one hair left of dead center. sometimes one person is better at it, minds doing it less, or has more time to spend keeping things running. as long as you compensate in other ways....

 

this living arrangement benefits her more than you, as you've made clear (other than the emotional aspect, i know). the housework thing may be a real gripe, i don't know as i don't live with you, but it sounds like an excuse for her to withold affection because of other things that she's angry or frustrated about.

 

you've told us alot, but i'm just too dense to really "get" her point of view. perhaps she feels bad because she is emotionally and financially needier than you. you seem pretty independant, and she probably senses that you could live just fine without her, even though you currently choose not to do so. perhaps it bothers her that the same couldn't be said on her side? maybe she's scared of being so reliant upon you.

 

it could be that she knows that you have a "normal" libido, and your being on the road so often makes her uncertain that you aren't having your bit of fun on the side. at least, that's what i'm hearing in that "you're gone working all the time" comment, especially as she knew about this going into the relationship.

 

how's her self-esteem in other ways? does she have many friends, or outside activities/interests other than you, school, and housework (not necessarily in that order!)?

 

you sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders. you'll work it out, in the end.

[torranceshipman]

How can she be the love of your life if you have such a problematic sex life, bad communication, sulking, etc? I think you're too young for all this trauma and near celibacy in your mid 20s...well theres no excuse for that! And if you stay with her it'll only get worse.

 

You're not M for 10yrs with 4 kids here...I'd make the break-there's so many problems. If you do break, it might make u both re-evaluate everytthing and you might get back together and be stronger. Or not...in which case you'd meet someoe you're more compatible with.

[taylor]

Jon,

 

If I had to guess, I would say your girlfriend has fallen out of love with you. She is in a dilemma because although she is no longer interested in the relationship, she is dependent on you financially. She is afraid to admit this to you and perhaps afraid to admit this to herself.

 

You can have talk after talk with her to figure out where she truly stands, but it will probably get you nowhere. What counts are her actions, not her words. Does she ACT like a person in love? From your post above, it appears she does not.

 

A woman in love with her man would be highly motivated to clean the house up, put a sexy nightie on, and be waiting for him to come through the door after he's been away for awhile. In fact, she'd be jumping you the minute you came through the door.

 

The point is women in their mid-20's want sex, too. If your girlfriend's libido just isn't there, it isn't biological..it's emotional. Women in love want sex. Women who are not, don't.

 

One statement she has made to you several times stuck out in my mind: "I'm a bad person." She is saying this because deep down she knows she has fallen out of love and she knows you deserve better. She's feeling guilty for having the feelings (or lack of) that she does.

 

You are young and you deserve a girlfriend who is falling all over you..one who misses you when you are away and is eager to see you when you are back in her arms...one who is more interested in getting you to the bedroom than worrying about whether the dishes are done or the floor is swept.

 

And, you are not responsible for her financially. She will have to find a way to stand on her own two feet. Let her parents help her with that. I think once she figures out how to "survive" without you, she will be gone anyways.

 

I doubt you will ever find the level of satisfaction you desire from this relationship. So, to answer your question..NO, this relationship isn't worth the effort to fix it. I say put your effort into finding a new girlfriend, not fixing an old one.

[jon4507]

Hi all,

 

Many thanks for the comments. I was kind of afraid I was going to hear stuff along the lines of what I'm reading now however you're all more than likely right

 

Luna:

She expects me to do roughly half of the chore and that's not necessarily something I mind however I must confess i'm not that great at it. Keeping things tidy has unfortunatly never been one of my strong points. Also, I moved straight out of my parent's to living with her so I went from taking care of one room to a full appartment, not necessarily something one can adapt to over-night.

 

However I will agree with you, the living arrangement we currently have definatly benefits her but that's not necessary something I mind. I set it up like that cause I'm a nice guy (or an idiot, your choice) and I knew what I was getting myself into when I signed the lease.

 

I used to shower her with gifts everytime I came back from business trips however you try getting motivated to do shopping after a 12-14h day when you know you've got a brick wall waiting for you at home... Same thing with sexy lingerie, I used to buy it for her but in the last year I saw pieces of it exactly once so I just decided to keep my money rather than throw it away like that...

 

The thing that confuses me here is that as far as I know, she doesn't have any "baggage". She's got a few issues with finding herself a bit fat and/or not pretty enough but I would think most women go through those periods once in a while. She doesn't have sky-high self esteem but I wouldn't say that it's a problem either. She does have problems deals with high stress situations however: i.e. if she encounters a major difficulty everything becomes a secondary concern. You can guess what happens to me when she's got problems on school (university) projects...

 

Taylor:

That's unfortunatly the conclusion I've been inching towards lately. I'm thinking she's no longer interested but doesn't dare tell me but she's worried about the living arrangements. Things is, there's a reason I insisted we get a 2 bedroom place; I've been shown time and time again that's usually better "hope for the best but plan for the worst".

 

In that regard, I would have no problem moving to the smaller room and simply becoming her roommate. Sure, it would probably be akward at first but I'm pretty sure I could make it work from my side. Whether she could deal with that remains to be seen... Has far as paying for her half of everything, well we're not that far from there anyways so I doubt it would put a strain on her financially.

 

Am I crazy for even considering such an exit strategy?

 

In the last few weeks I've pretty much been thinking that I'm worth more than this I'm young, reasonnably attractive, succesfull, I have money stashed away for rainy days and great career prospects so why the hell am I soaking up the drama :| Probably because right now I don't have the balls to deal with the situation and I'm still hoping it's going to fix itself.

 

This morning I came to the same conclusion that you're saying here; her word say something but her actions definatly say something else. The problem is, letting go of 5 years (when you combine the time we spent together) of common history is not necessarily easy...

 

I've been soaking up this BS for 6 months now and I'm not quite sure how I managed to not blow up in her face; in a way I'm surprising myself. The thing is, I'm becoming increasingly resentfull of the whole situation. Just thinking about it is making me increasingly pissed off as time goes by....

 

Anyways, many thanks again for the comments

 

We've got many friends in common so unfortunatly there are not that many people i can share this with.

 

Cheers

 

Jon

[serial muse]

Hm, I'm going to have a slightly different perspective here, but maybe it'll be helpful.

 

Don't get me wrong - her passive-aggressive way of expressing anger and resentment is childish and obviously destructive. But I have to ask - you say you've been trying while she hasn't...and yet it seems to me that on her chief complaints, you've basically given her a flat-out "no way" and decided that compromising on those would be equivalent to cutting your balls off.

 

Huh. Here's what it sounds like to me. She's pissed off that you're gone all the time. She's really really not good at expressing the depth of her anger to you, so she acts out in various ways. The housework thing, I suspect, is her (ineffective) way of wanting you to be much more invested in the household, in your home together, in a shared life. You say you shower her with gifts, and that's wonderful - but that's pretty much not what she's asking for. She wants a different kind of emotional gift, and you've basically said it's not happening.

 

The sex thing is tricky. She's obviously not attracted to you at the moment, and that could be for many reasons. Certainly, long-held resentment and anger, never dealt with, is a sex-killer. Nothing, and I mean nothing short of looking like Igor, is a bigger turnoff. So it could very easily be that she's just built up all this stuff about you in her head, which most of the time you're not there to dispel, and voila! No sex for anyone.

 

I'm not saying she's dealing with this correctly. But I am saying that I don't think you're really listening to her, either. You're obviously a giving partner and a thoughtful person - but you're also making an executive decision to give her what you think she should want, not what she is actually saying she wants. You know?

 

But here's the bad part. I also suspect...and I hesitate to say this, because I could be wrong...she may have found someone else. Saying things like, "I'm a bad person" and so forth - combined with stuff like not being sure if you belong together, deep resentment over feeling ignored and an inability to actually confront you when it most matters, not to mention being alone half the time and angry about that...well, that's an affair recipe, I'd say.

 

I'm not saying you're the bad guy here, and if she is seeing someone else, she's clearly to blame for that. But I do think that there's a communication issue here, and both of you are to blame for that. She should be telling you what she really needs. But would you make the necessary alterations if she did? Or is your job more important (not to mention your lingering resentment with whoever may have controlled your choices in the past, which appear to be getting played out - unfairly - in your marriage now)?

[jon4507]

Muse, I certainly welcome a different perspective, specially a female one (I assume you female from your avatar?)

 

I'm not really worried about an affair, she's demonstrated time and time again in the past that she's not that kind of person.

 

I see you point about saying no to travelling less, but that's the nature of my job; and I love my job. Every day is a new adventure, litterally, and I look forwarding to going to work every morning. I have done more things and seeing more stuff since I started this job than during the rest of my life combined.

How many people could say No to that?

 

Normally, being apart for small periods of time should make us even more eager to see one another, thereby extending the honeymoon part of the relationship. But we're only talking 1-2 weeks here. I'm never more than 2 weeks without seeing her, except maybe twice a year...

 

I've compromised everywhere I could: before moving in I threw away plenty of furniture I owned because she preferred hers better, I'm trying to do my share of house work, everything is organised how she wants in our place, etc...

 

But how fair would it be for me to totally change my life just on one of her whims when she never acts on anything when I mention issue I have with our couple. She acknowledges that something is wrong but I have yet to see her do something about it.

 

I told her 2 years ago when we started seeing each other again that my job required me to travel up to 50% of the time. I guess she didn't fully realise the implications of that until she no longer had a roommate living with her when I was on the road.

 

In a sense you probably put your finger on it, she doesn't like the fact that I travel a lot and I'm not willing to change this at the moment since that's simply who I am.

 

But don't get me wrong, I really do welcome your perspective.

 

Cheers

 

Jon

[serial muse]

Yes, I'm female.

 

I see you point about saying no to travelling less, but that's the nature of my job; and I love my job. Every day is a new adventure, litterally, and I look forwarding to going to work every morning. I have done more things and seeing more stuff since I started this job than during the rest of my life combined.

How many people could say No to that?

 

Normally, being apart for small periods of time should make us even more eager to see one another, thereby extending the honeymoon part of the relationship. But we're only talking 1-2 weeks here. I'm never more than 2 weeks without seeing her, except maybe twice a year...

 

Right, but this is my point - you're saying that spending time apart should make people feel this and that. What you really mean is that it makes you feel this and that; it makes perfect sense to you. However, it doesn't make her feel that way - and you know, that's perfectly legitimate. It's like you're telling her she "shouldn't" feel what she obviously does. There's no right and wrong to how she feels. She could say that you "should" want to be home with her every day of the week, but you won't see it her way, either. You feel what you feel.

 

I've compromised everywhere I could: before moving in I threw away plenty of furniture I owned because she preferred hers better, I'm trying to do my share of house work, everything is organised how she wants in our place, etc...

 

But how fair would it be for me to totally change my life just on one of her whims when she never acts on anything when I mention issue I have with our couple. She acknowledges that something is wrong but I have yet to see her do something about it.

 

I told her 2 years ago when we started seeing each other again that my job required me to travel up to 50% of the time. I guess she didn't fully realise the implications of that until she no longer had a roommate living with her when I was on the road.

 

In a sense you probably put your finger on it, she doesn't like the fact that I travel a lot and I'm not willing to change this at the moment since that's simply who I am.

 

 

I get that you gave her a heads-up about it long ago, but you're right that it's very different in the abstract, and if I understand you correctly, it's been this way for years, right? I don't know, giving in to her needs for her own furniture and house arrangement is, to me, a really minor thing compared to the traveling issue (aside from the fact that she spends far more time in the house than you do anyway). Wanting her own furniture = perhaps on the level of a whim; wanting you around more = basic fundamental relationship need. I really wouldn't call that a whim, Jon, even though I realize you don't understand it. It's as valid, deep and fundamental as your own need to be able to travel.

 

Look, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you want - you love your job, and that's awesome. And there it is - it sounds like basically the job is the most important thing in your life to you, far more than your marriage. So that's a pretty clear-cut answer; you made your choice long ago, and she has tried to get used to it, but it's just not for her. She's just not ever going to be happy with this, and you've made it clear it's non-negotiable; so maybe yes, it's not worth trying anymore and making you both miserable. It just seems like you're incompatible. You need an SO who doesn't want you around so much.

 

Okay, not funny. But you do sound essentially incompatible, and you both might be happier in a different kind of relationship. I'm sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

Look, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you want - you love your job, and that's awesome. And there it is - it sounds like basically the job is the most important thing in your life to you, far more than your marriage. So that's a pretty clear-cut answer; you made your choice long ago, and she has tried to get used to it, but it's just not for her. She's just not ever going to be happy with this, and you've made it clear it's non-negotiable; so maybe yes, it's not worth trying anymore and making you both miserable. It just seems like you're incompatible. You need an SO who doesn't want you around so much.

 

Okay, not funny. But you do sound essentially incompatible, and you both might be happier in a different kind of relationship. I'm sorry.

I think most people reading your post would arrive at the same conclusion. Some women would like the lifestyle that your relationship presents - obviously, she doesn't. You'd be better off with someone else that's on the same page as you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - If you want to be more miserable than you are now, try living as roomates with her in the same apartment !

[taylor]

I think most people reading your post would arrive at the same conclusion. Some women would like the lifestyle that your relationship presents - obviously, she doesn't. You'd be better off with someone else that's on the same page as you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - If you want to be more miserable than you are now, try living as roomates with her in the same apartment !

 

His girlfriend likes the lifestyle, she just isn't in love with the man that provides it. Deal breaker.

 

Roomates in the same apartment?? I agree with Mr. Lucky. Bad move, OP. You will always want more.

[jon4507]

I guess I do come off like a workalolic jerk that's married to his job.... (btw me and the GF are not married, simply dating for a long time).

 

The thing is its not really the case; I value my personnal life as much as my professional one however I worked so hard to get to were I am that I'm not willing to give it all up at someone else's request. All of my life I was bullied and put down by the people around me: my parents gave me a good start by providing room and boarding while I was studying but the rest I acheive all on my own merit through hard work and sacrifices.

 

And just when I managed to raise myself above the surrounding mediocrity I should just let myself drop down? I don't think so.

 

But anyways, after thinking about it a little bit, it seems to me that the travelling thing is just an excuse hiding something else, whatever that may be.

 

What really gets me is that on an intellectual I connect great with this great, she really smart and I can have an intelligent and deep conversation with her. On the emotionnal well it's a crap shoot, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I seem that we just lack good timing here.

 

On the physical side of thing however things have been going down hill; I'm a fairly energetic guy most of the time whereas she seemed to be when I met her but isn't really most of the time, more of a mellow type of person. Anyways, this has affected our sex life and at this point it's what frustrates me the most (heck, in my previous relationship I stayed 2 month more than I should have (out of a 6 mo R) because the sex was good). Talking about it does nothing and at this point I'm surprising myself by discovering just how far my patience can stretch.

 

But I wouldn't say we're totally incompatible because of the 2 previous points so right now I'm really confused.

 

And to add insult to injury, we were just away for 2 weeks where she didn't show any signs of missing me at all (i.e. I'd write "i miss you" but wouldn't get it in return) and when I went to get her at the inlaws (a 1000km round trip I wasn't looking forward to mind you...) she was all touchy feely and for the first time in months she actually initiated physical contact (I'm usually the one who has to initiate it).

 

So at this point I'm absolutly confused and at a loss as to what to do and what it all means. One second she's ignoring me for months on end and the next she cuddling up in bed (something which she very rarely does) so wtf does she want?!

 

At this point I can open up again, and possibly be disappointed in a few weeks like it's happened time and time again in the previous months. Or I can remain cold and close up a relationship with a girl whom I do connect deeply on some level (what can I say, I've always been a bit of a nerd...)

 

Essentially, wtf! This past weekend has just completly messed up my head and I'm even more confused than ever.

 

edit: as for the roommate thing: probably a bad idea, I know, but I still think I could pull it off on my side. Heck, considering I haven't seen my GF nude in months, let alone be intimate with her, being her roommate is pretty much what I have been in the last months...

 

Jon

[Mr. Lucky]

for the first time in months she actually initiated physical contact (I'm usually the one who has to initiate it).

I Heck, considering I haven't seen my GF nude in months, let alone be intimate with her, being her roommate is pretty much what I have been in the last months...

You want to keep fighting this battle for the next year? 5 years? 10 years?

 

You don't seem either happy or satisfied and it doesn't sound as if she has much interest in trying to make you so. Why go on?

 

Mr. Lucky

[taylor]

I guess I do come off like a workalolic jerk that's married to his job.... (btw me and the GF are not married, simply dating for a long time).

 

The thing is its not really the case; I value my personnal life as much as my professional one however I worked so hard to get to were I am that I'm not willing to give it all up at someone else's request. All of my life I was bullied and put down by the people around me: my parents gave me a good start by providing room and boarding while I was studying but the rest I acheive all on my own merit through hard work and sacrifices.

 

And just when I managed to raise myself above the surrounding mediocrity I should just let myself drop down? I don't think so.

 

This is very smart thinking. You worked hard to get the education you needed to be successful in your career. You have hit the ground running. Don't let anyone slow you down, especially some girlfriend with lukewarm feelings.

You have to look out for your own best interests, Jon. You have a bright future ahead of you and you have the means to make your dreams come true. You will regret it if you allow some girlfriend to sideline goals you have for yourself. A girlfriend/wife should complement your goals, not compromise them.

And, just a sidenote, you honor your parents by making good on the education they helped provide for you.

 

 

 

And to add insult to injury, we were just away for 2 weeks where she didn't show any signs of missing me at all (i.e. I'd write "i miss you" but wouldn't get it in return) and when I went to get her at the inlaws (a 1000km round trip I wasn't looking forward to mind you...) she was all touchy feely and for the first time in months she actually initiated physical contact (I'm usually the one who has to initiate it).

 

So at this point I'm absolutly confused and at a loss as to what to do and what it all means. One second she's ignoring me for months on end and the next she cuddling up in bed (something which she very rarely does) so wtf does she want?!

 

No signs of missing you during 2 week separation = not in love.

 

Are you willing to separate for a couple of weeks now and then to stimulate her sex drive? If that's what it takes...

 

At this point I can open up again, and possibly be disappointed in a few weeks like it's happened time and time again in the previous months. Or I can remain cold and close up a relationship with a girl whom I do connect deeply on some level (what can I say, I've always been a bit of a nerd...)

 

Guaranteed, you will be disappointed and frustrated if you remain with her because she cannot meet your emotional needs. If you want intellectual stimulation, go the the library.

 

edit: as for the roommate thing: probably a bad idea, I know, but I still think I could pull it off on my side. Heck, considering I haven't seen my GF nude in months, let alone be intimate with her, being her roommate is pretty much what I have been in the last months...

 

And how would you feel if you came home and found your "roommate" cuddled up with another man? THIS is why it would be a bad idea.

[Repeat Offender]

edit: as for the roommate thing: probably a bad idea, I know, but I still think I could pull it off on my side.

 

Being female, I gotta say this bothers me. If you seriously believe you could pull this off then in my mind anyway, it indicates some measure of a lack of emotional attachment on your part. Sounds to me at this point as if you just need her to put out and if she can't do that you have no use for her. That's not exactly a turn on.

 

Perhaps you feel this way simply due to the no sex thing? I don't know. My ex and I stopped having sex, in large part (my part anyway) due to lack of emotional intimacy. I didn't feel like he cared about me or my needs or what I wanted (he didn't - it was all about him and the business and making money) and I stopped wanting sex. He loved work, not me. I stop wanting sex, he couldn't connect emotionally - or at least that's my understanding of how men "connect". Seems like a catch22!

 

Then again maybe you wouldn't be able to pull off living as friends. Who knows. But simply the idea that you even think you could, well, I dunno, it just doesn't "feel" right to me.

 

And what about her? How would she feel about that arrangement. Do you think she could pull it off? Have you considered her needs?

 

Clearly gf has other issues outside of your traveling or not doing housework. Those things certainly don't help but those complaints are symptoms of something deeper. What that something is only she knows. Actually she may not even know for sure what the issues are.

 

I'm not saying you should put up with the no sex thing. I'll never do a sexless relationship again that's for sure. It's why my most recent one ended! Been there done that! Just seems like you both need to give a little and start communication your needs more effectively. Easier said than done, I know!

[luna3]

this is beginning to sound incredibly fishy to me.

 

you send her messages of love for two weeks while she is away, and get a fat zero response, then suddenly she wants to be close when you see her.

 

i really hope for your sake it is other than what i suspect, but it sounds like she's been having major second thoughts. are you sure that she only went to visit her parents? or was there, perhaps, an old flame involved. someone who flirts with her while you're away, and keeps her on a string until she's ready to do more? if so, then the sudden closeness to you is either to allay your fears, or because that other thing didn't pan out.

 

i don't like the way this sounds. then again, it could be something as innocent as she needed time away to appreciate all that you give her.

 

if you are confused about this, you should sit down and talk about it with her. but i wouldn't start with angry and frustrated accusations. be as even-toned and calm as possible, and just try to figure out what the heck changed so suddenly.

[jon4507]

Good grief!

I'm so confused now I'm about to give up.

 

She's still touchy feely and now coming out of the shower there was a "Love ya, kisses!" paper note on my laptop (she went to bed while I was showering). However yesterday I noticed that she will not change in the same room as me if I'm there (at bed time she went to the bathroom fully dressed and came out magically in PJs and no, its not that time of the month). She also no longer wears sexy undies (pretty sure she wore them until maybe a month ago).

 

WTF!?! The right hand is doing something and the left something totally different! Again, WTF!?! Seeing that note made me confused, pissed, angry and sad all at the same time. Two weeks ago I would have thought she was no longer interested in me; this being reinforced by what I just noticed, but then there's that note and her change of attitude. WTF!?!

 

And now the lack of sex is making me ridiculously cranky. Unfortunatly only the real thing would fix this. Things are great I tell you, just grrrrrreat....

 

Repeat Offender: I've been semi-unconciously distancing myself emotionnaly from her for fear of being hurt. Several times in the last months we're had opened heart discussions, I've opened and so has she, only for things to revert back to their old way 2-3 weeks later. This time I'm just wondering if it's the good one or not, so understanding like I hesitating to open up and get close.

 

It would also seem I'm stuck in that catch 22 you're discribing. To me the physical and emotional part of a relationship are deeply interconnected so if one suffer, so does the other part.

 

I haven't discussed the roommate arrangement with her yet because it would be equivalent to breaking up with her and at this point at don't if the R is still salvagable or not. However, I'm not very optimist that she could live with such an arrangement; I'm much more rational than she is.

 

The way things are setup here (this city), there will litterally not be ANY reasonnably affordable place available for at least 3 months from now and I am NOT moving back with my parents. This is why I thought up the roommate idea.

 

Luna:

Thinks are not so much fishy as just plain damn confusing for me (see my first paragraphs). She did reply to my message, but I never got a "love ya back" from the one I put in my messages.

 

However I'm still certain she's not having an affair. Fortunatly, or not, she just doesn't have the, herm, "balls", to pull that kind of move. I've known her for over 5 years and this would be as far off character as someone afraid of heights suddenly going sky-diving.

 

 

Obviously I'm going to have to grow a pair of balls and sit down with her to sort this out. Problem is that's really not something I'm looking forward to because it has always been very ugly in the past; we can't just discuss things. She always has to start crying and blame herself in such a way that I would be an absolute ******* if I didn't confort her by distorting fact her way. But still, there is the solution: grow a pair of balls and man up because she sure as hell won't do it.

 

Anyways, right now I'm completly confused and at a loss.

 

I. don't. understand. anything. at. all.

 

Jon

 

P.S. At least I found a female friend with a problem similar to mine that I can discuss things with. Doesn't fix anything but at least it doesn't make me feel as bad and isolated.

[Syrrah]

Hi Jon,

Sorry to hear you problems. I think you have a great head on your shoulders and you shouldn't feel guilty in any way for loving your job, it happens so rarely that when it does hang onto the job and ride it all the way to the top when you can.

 

Maybe send her to the Dr, she is exibiting some signs of depression, the moods, lack of sex drive, crying, blaming herself, I'm guessing some weight gain, this could be one explanation, for the personality changes if you believe she's not cheating.

 

She's home most of the time making the mess yet wants you to clean it. I agree you should share the chores, when you're home, but she can ask you to do things not passively/agressively ignore/cold shoulder you so you haven't a clue as to why she's cranky. Or do up a roster.

 

If you're anything like my SO his idea of clean is a frat house dorm room , we both know what needs doing, we've lived together long enough to know how the place should look when tidy, so we do it together, if I have to remind him four times I remind him four times, I'm even learning to do it without a nagging tone [babysteps] to his smirking.

 

I figure there are worse things in relationships to worry about than domestic duties. Plus if it ever got to the stage where it became a major issue we'd find the money for a cleaner as seriously I'd rather not fight over dishes and vacuuming:laugh:.

 

I know all relationships are different, I like you, work away from home a lot, but I find it helps rather than hinders our relationship, we're both independent people we love our times together but like everyone enjoy our times apart as well, it gives our relationship balance. I don't think it's healthy to be completely self-reliant on your SO for everything.

 

With the sex, I'm with you there. I'm in my 30's and we're everyday or other day depending but never more than 4 days without. I don't think you're sex crazed, probably just on a different libido cycle to your girlfriend. I also don't believe in going to bed angry or withholding affection and sex as punishment, it's childish and self destructive.

 

My advice start looking for another place, continue the relationship until you find somewhere else, see if anything has changed with you girlfriend evaluate it logically as best as you can with emotions involved.

 

If not, sit down explain everything you've said here, ignore her tears that's her drama trying to control the situation, be clear, concise [if notes helps write them out] let her know you're moving out as you no longer know how to deal with a relationship with her, when there is no communication and the way her affection swings back and forth.

 

If it helps explain you need time, you want to continue the relationship but you think it's best you live apart to see if it's salvagable. By doing all this before signing the new lease, might give her a) the wakeup call she needs that a relationship takes two communicating adults and b) that you've had enough of the games and cold shoulders.

 

Another idea have another talk about it and both of you write everything down then swap what you've written. When you talk emotions jumble up what you want or need to say, but by having it written down you can both read the others idea of the situation without tears or playing blame games.

 

Anyways I hope some of this helps, I wish you all the best and hope your situation works itself out one way or the other. You sound like a great guy who deserves someone who loves him and the job he loves.

 

Sy

[Deanster]

Ummmm.... jeez. DTMFA. (google it.)

 

So, look. I don't mean to be cruel, but here's how I see it.

 

You feel like you're getting mixed messages, and you're confused. In reality, you're getting one consistent message, with occasional notes when she feels like making an effort (every couple months)

 

It will NEVER GET BETTER THAN IT IS TODAY. You've been together a while, you're on an overall relationship track for getting married, it's time when you're both making decisions about what's next, and other than your first few weeks together, there's unlikely to be a time when she's more focused on and committed to having a good relationship with you.

 

Take an hour, and read through the various threads on sexless marriage in this forum. "Does marriage kill Passion" is currently near the top, and there's a dozen more in the last month. In general, passion and sex frequency go down significantly within a couple years of marriage, and again with the arrival of kids. Some couples manage to keep it high, or return it to a good level, but there's a reason that sitcoms always joke about no sex after marriage - it's something almost EVERYONE can identify with!!!

 

I do think you might not be giving enough credit for how hard it is to maintain a relationship with someone (you) who travels 50%+ - it's tough to be alone half the time, and then excited to seem them and intense about the opportunity when you're there - doubly so if your travel is irregular.

 

However, that's not an excuse for the kind of situation you describe. My advice, worth what you paid for it, is to pull the ripcord, and go find someone who likes you, wants to be with you, and wants to have hot sex with you on a regular basis.

 

Marriage, in general, is the enemy of those three things - you need to have them in VAST quantities in your relationship to have a goodly amount left after getting married.

 

DTMFA, I'm just saying.

 

 

Oh - just a reminder to be SUPER careful about getting her pregnant while you're trying to figure out what to do. Nothing collapses your options more completely than a pregnancy.