Kids, I don't think I want them and he does.

[redfathom]

I am not sure I ever want to have kids, I at least know that right now I don't. I am 26 and have been married for eight years, my h is 31. When we first met and in the early years of marriage we talked abotu kids, it kind of seemed like a given that we should have kids. Most married people are suppose to and I also happen to love kids.

 

So a few months ago we talked and I told him that I did not think I wanted kids, ever. I like our life together, I like being able to do things on a whim, I love go to my art classes, figure skating lessons and all with out having to plan too much to get there. I asked if we could still work and he said yeah that not having kids is not a deal breaker. But then he said, "I think that in a few years you will change your mind." So now I wonder, did he said it's not a deal breaker because in his mind I will change mine?

 

Now everytime we go out and we see little kids some where he has to wave to them and comment on how cute they are. I usually try to ignore it because it makes me feel guilty. I mean I do love kids, I have six neices and nephews who I love to hang out with, ranging from ages 1 to 16. It's just that I don't think I want my own. Who knows, maybe one day I will. It just that babies scare me...haha!

 

So how do I cope with the guilty of it when we are in public, sometimes it gets so bad I want to ask him to stop making a fuss over all the kids we see in public. But I know that would be wrong of me to do.

 

Anyone ever been in the same situation?

[Ronni_W]

Hi Red.

I'm childless by choice. And I love kids, too. I am the FIRST one to spot them, and appreciate their beauty and innocence, and wave at them.

 

That is, if we allow our preference to turn into guilt because of someone else's preference...yeah, we are going to get triggered when they respond positively to that over which we are feeling guilty!

 

OTOH, casually ask him from whence comes his new fascination with kids...that you just hadn't noticed it in the past and you're wondering if it may turn into a deal-breaker for him down the road. Depending on his responses, you may even want to say that it feels as if he is subtly trying to influence you to reverse your current position; that it doesn't feel good to you; and that it won't work given your current feelings and needs.

 

Possibly he is experiencing a transition/grieving period for the fact that he will not become a father. Such a phase is reasonable, and almost expected. It would be okay for you to support him through it. It is after all, for most, a BIG sacrifice and HUGE adjustment to make to whatever "future life" he had previously envisioned for himself.

 

I think it would also be okay if you started waving and agreeing on all the kids' cuteness. You may even add, once in a while, "...but I still don't want any of my own."

 

As you say, you may change your mind. But it might be best to act within what are your current feelings and beliefs about it. You two can support each other in your current separate desires even though they are quite different, and even though this is a MAJOR life decision.

 

Much luck. (NO MORE GUILT!!! )

[redfathom]

I do wave at the kids and comment on how cute they are, but deep down I feel aweful about it and annoyed too. I know it's a big sacrafice for him. But I really did not see him as the fatherly type. He just never wants to get that involved in things, having a child is a lot of work and I think he feels it would be easy. But then again, the woman is typically the one who has to do most of the work as would be in our case, so maybe it's easy for him to say it's not much of a sacrafice to have kids.

[Ronni_W]

I really did not see him as the fatherly type.

For him, I suspect that would be totally irrelevant and besides the point to his feelings and thoughts on the matter.

On something this major, my guess is that it wouldn't be about whether we would or wouldn't be adequate parents -- it is the death of the dream that, some day, we would be parents. Even if our dream was unexamined and sort of just "always in the background" and a "given", the reality that the particular dream no longer exists as a (future) possibility still does necessitate grieving and healing. It does deserve understanding and sympathy in its own right.

 

 

As you said, though, your annoyance is about you feeling guilty (perhaps for "killing" a dream?) So maybe some self-forgiveness might minimize or eliminate that you are feeling badly about it?

 

I don't have exactly the same experience because my then-future-husband knew that I did not want kids of my own. Once we found out that, if we were successful as adoptive parents, we would be eligible only for an older child, I let him know that he had a choice to make about staying married to me or moving on to find the eventual mother of his children.

 

But it is also fine that you've changed your mind in the intervening years. You have full rights and authority to do that. No need to feel badly for your CURRENT needs and desires, IMO.