TO TONY!!

[Wiser Woman]

Tony:

 

I followed the rest of the posts to Chyna's question about how to get her husband to talk to her about the lack of sex in their marriage and was interested in your follow up post on what pressure is or isn't. You seem so very intelligent and thoughtful in your responses, not just to Chyna but everyone else here... I wonder what you'd have to say about my situation. As I posted to Chyna, I let my own situation get out of hand until I've reached the point where I'm lost and stuck in a marriage that seems without hope or a future but I'm petified to move on.

 

We've not had sex in 8 years out of an 18 year marriage and even before that it was maybe two or three times a year. I've run the gamut of trying to resolve it myself - crying, begging, pleading, throwing myself at him until he finally agreed to get counseling. Then he said he would go only by himself - HE had issues, went for one session and stopped. He has refused to have both of us go together. Since last September we've been sleeping in separate rooms and I find myself distraught most of the time because I don't think I can live the rest of my life like this but on the other hand, I don't want to give up on a relationship that has spanned 20 years.

 

I tried the pressure tactic and you're right, pure pressure doesn't work. Ultimatums don't work - nothing seems to work. I'm 47, he's 52, no kids - both physically fit and fairly attactive, no health problems. What could possibly be in this man's mind that he thinks everything will just magically work itself out when he concludes it's time for it to work out?

 

How long do I wait? How do I get back the respect and sexual feelings I used to have for him if he does decide he wants me again? I'm to the point where he just turns me off totally and the idea of making love to him makes my stomach turn - and not in a good way. Am I fooling myself to continue to think that this is even worth saving? Is there another life out there for me with someone who will not only be my husband, my friend but my lover also? At my age, it sometimes seems easier to just keep my mouth shut and keep things status quo - this lasts about as long as it takes my anger and resentment to build up and then I just get so frustrated and angry that I feel like sleeping with the first man who pays any attention to me. Something like that, I know, will not resolve anything at all but it sure is tempting - especially since I'm living with a man who almost acts like he wouldn't mind if I did - it would take the "pressure" off of him. I almost feel like this is what he wants me to do so he can then point a finger at me and say it's all my fault our marriage isn't working and now he'd have an excuse to leave... It all sounds crazy but right now my mind is thinking crazy things.... Got any ideas??

[Tony T]

You've got a tough one to deal with here.

 

Before you do anything else, you need to seek counselling to forgive your husband and heal yourself from the years of anger, frustration, rejection, etc. that you have endured. You will NOT be able to restore sexual activity in your relationship while carrying around that kind of baggage. You have admitted that the resentment is so deep, you probably wouldn't respond to his overtures now if he made them.

 

If you snubbed any kind of attempt on his part to instigate a sexual encounter at this time, you could put the healing process back years and years.

 

Once you have forgiven him, then the work must begin. Since you have read other posts, I don't need to tell you that reduced sexual appetite in men can be due to many things, including: reaction to prescription medication, clinical depression, low testosterone blood level, addiction to masturbation, taking illicit drugs, having outside affairs, acute stress from work, stress from financial problems, etc. You also need to know that reduced sexual interest or activity is not uncommon in marriages of long duration where none of the above exist.

 

He needs to be evaluated for all of the above. He may be so depressed he cannot be motivated so you may have to take the lead in this thing. Do so slowly, tactfully, with kindness and patience. Remember, when this problem began most people had never heard of the Internet or Bill Clinton so it's not going to be cured overnight.

 

Right here, I will say that men are often not very articulate about such sensitive matters but I am sure he is haunted by the problem as well and it weighs heavily upon him. He is probably doing his best not to think about it lest it bring him down further. For the past decade, he may have deeply feared the loss of your love. Unless he has an IQ of ZERO, he knows he has hurt you, angered you, etc. but he is terrified to deal with it. This creates a vicious cycle and the problem compounds itself. I am sure there is a lot of stuff going on in his mind you are not aware of.

 

Additional tips include working on yourself, making yourself more attractive so both of you will have a high opinion of YOU. Lose weight if you feel that is necessary, get your hair and nails done...go shopping for some sexy, but not too sexy, clothes, night gowns, etc. Do everything you can to make yourself an attractive women IN YOUR OWN EYES. After so many years of hurt and having your self-esteem slammed into the ground, you have to learn to love yourself again.

 

You could take him to the beach or water park and let him get aroused by the young chirpies...and you too. But YOU will be the only one available to him.

 

Make yourself scarse around the house. Go out with lady friends (shopping or whatever), join organizations, volunteer, get active in all sorts of community affairs...do whatever you can to stay away from home for a bit. Put in brief appearances, sleep in the same bed and be kind but not aggressive. Don't be so available to him. A lot of his problem may stim from familiarity...so break him of that. To spark his interest in you again, you must become totally unpredictable...and you must keep it up...be consistent. You cannot be lazy about this.

 

Take a trip together. Go back to where you met...go to some of the places you went when you were dating. See if you can find the first place you made love. Get those early memories stimulated. But, don't put any pressure on him. If he makes a move, go slowly with the flow. If not, don't worry...press on.

 

There is so much anger, resentment and pain built up in you, it may be a good idea to visit a counsellor yourself and address the problem. Get some suggestions from him/her.

 

Visit a bookstore and spend an afternoon browsing books on seduction techniques. Go for it all!!!

 

Your situation is not hopeless, but remember what I said, before you can even address the sex problem you ABSOLUTELY MUST work on yourself, heal, forgive, and go into this with an open mind and an open heart.