Am I being too shallow about her appearance?

[saucy100]

Hello all,

 

First off all I would like to say that I am not perfect, and may never be, however I strive for perfection. I am in a relationship with a woman with a wonderful personality. We're both in our mid-twenties. We have very good times together, traveling, doing things, and just hanging out. We've been together for a little over a year. We are both very sexual people and have earth shattering hot sex We've worked through some issues that would have broken up many couples (not related to infidelity). We love each other. I am a very successful guy who isn't defined by my looks but I do work out in the gym to stay looking my best. I want my woman to be proud of my personality, life achievements, and physical state. She's told me that she likes this about me. With that said, when my girl and I first got together she was smoking hot! She was about 5'2" and a 125 slim waist with nice curves. About 9 months into our relationship she started to really put on weight and I'd say she's gained about 30-35 lbs. I can tell it bothers her to some extent and I have been reassuring her that it was not a problem. At first (between the first 1-15 lbs of gain) it wasn't but now it is. I love her and I try to approach the issue with kit gloves but it's starting to become apparent to her that I am just as not as attracted to her anymore. I keep trying to reassure her confidence, but she's getting more and more self conscience about it. I always cheerfully lie when asked the "honey, do these jeans make me look fat?" questions. "Of course not". But reality is, I don't know what to do. She doesn't have a big person's frame so that weight is not carried in flattering ways. Whenever she says something negative about herself I suggest walking or her coming to the gym with me but she doesn't come. I don't have extra money to burn on a pair of new mountain bikes right now, but I've considered it. The thing that turns me off the most is that she doesn't seem to try or care. She just sits around and eats bags of chips, downs bottles of coke, and other junk constantly. We still have great times together because our personalities mesh well. But, our sex life has come to an (almost) screaching halt and she's starting to question my loyalty to her. I haven't cheated but I am starting to look at other women more lustfully now (not when she's around me though). Point blank, other women are turning me on. I would not have done that or felt that way 4 months ago at all. I know she's reaching out to other people for advice and I understand why. I still pamper her with little gifts, spa trips, dancing, get-a-ways, romantic nights on the town and anything within reason (of budget) that we'd have an enjoyable time doing, but I have not been able to get turned on by her lately and she feels that I am getting my needs fulfilled by another woman which is not true. I won't get too graphic but I still do please her sexually in a way most women like

 

I see us going in one of three directions:

 

1. If I break up with her she'll be motivated to and most likely will lose the weight. She'll be happy, attractive, back to her jubilent self again, and be a treasure for the next man. The irony of this is if I don't do this and we stay together, she'll more than likely not be motivated to even try to lose the weight. I think if I we broke up and I saw her 6 months from now fit, happy, and with another guy. I'd be jealous but actually smile inside.

 

2. I remain in this relationship and convince myself that I am attracted to her.

 

3. You fill in the blank __________________

 

I know there are plenty of men in the world that wouldn't mind the extra weight gain and all other things considered, she's a great girl. I'll step aside and let a better man carry on if it's for the better, but I'd rather she'd be 100% happy emotionally, physically, and sexually with me. I don't think I can fulfill her needs any more. At this point I just can't get past it. Moreso the fact that she doesn't try. I think our sex life would improve if she just tried. I have never been the type to get completely comfortable in a relationship enough to let myself go. Maybe I'm too shallow for letting it bother me, maybe I'm too self-conscience to put myself in a position for it to bother someone else, or maybe I just want to be the best person I can be, I don't know.

 

What should I do?

[CommitmentPhobe]

3. You fill in the blank __________________

 

What should I do?

 

3. You tell her that if she doesn't get off her backside and do some exercise that you're going to break up with her. You tell her that you love her and you don't want her to become unhealthy. You find out what the problem is that's stopping her from taking pride in herself and you help her sort it out.

 

Breaking up with her or treating her with kid gloves are the chickens way out of this problem. It's time you dealt with this like a man. Give her a proverbial kick up the behind then support her. You are part of the problem by letting her get so comfortable.

[luna3]

you have a tough row to hoe, there.

 

i've been through her end of all of this. it basically reflects self esteem and insecurity issues, probably stemming from her upbringing.

 

if you pull away, she'll get more insecure and if you simply nurture her, she may not take any steps to "fix" the problem. the last thing any woman wants to hear is that her man has lost his attraction towards her because of her weight.

 

i hate to suggest it, because it seems like a mentally "healthy" person should take their own pro-active steps towards being physically healthy too, but that isn't always the case. we all know that we shouldn't lie around stuffing bags of chips down our throats, but sometimes we like to wallow in our funk for awhile. you've already suggested the workout, walking, etc. and she just sits there. i would simply say to her "i'm going walking, swimming, dancing and it would be more fun if you were there with me to enjoy it, but i'm still going. you can lay here all night if you like." in other words, make the activity a relationship-bonding experience. it doesn't have to be mountain bikes. just a simple 15 minute walk before dusk everyday is a good start.

 

also, i'm unclear as to whether you live together or not. don't stock that stuff in the fridge that is a temptation to people like myself who self-medicate emotional issues with food. it unfortunately puts you in the position of parent/guardian, but then at least she won't have the excuse that it was readily available. if she wants it, let her go out and get it!

 

perhaps there are some medical issues?

[Tomcat33]

hi there something that stood out for me is this:

 

1. If I break up with her she'll be motivated to and most likely will lose the weight. She'll be happy, attractive, back to her jubilent self again, and be a treasure for the next man. The irony of this is if I don't do this and we stay together, she'll more than likely not be motivated to even try to lose the weight. I think if I we broke up and I saw her 6 months from now fit, happy, and with another guy. I'd be jealous but actually smile inside.

 

It leads me to believe that even if she lost the weight and looked great you still would not want to see her since you so easily accept seeing her with someone else looking happy and this would ultimately make you happy.

 

It seems like this is less about her weight and more about her attitude I think that is what is ultimately repulsing you. Since you say you would be happy for her seeing her with another man and happy, it leads me to believe that in that statement you are unconsciously saying "but even SO I would still not want her for me"

 

 

I think you need to, as delicately as possible, talk to her and explain what you are experiencing, not so much from her physical aspect stand point but from her attitude. Delicately ask her why she is being so complacent about getting fit again, if she is ultimately unhappy by how she looks.

 

You might find that she is depressed not so much because she gained weight but because she feels you are no longer attracted to her and you are contradicting yourself infront of her eyes.

 

If you don't care to get to the bottom of this to rectify the situation then you do need to let her go and move on yourself. No point in buying her lavish gifts and get-aways if you are having all thes negative emotions behind her back, all those gifts are not going to make up for the guilt you are feeling, talking to her and setting the air straight will.

[Angel1111]

She's pretty young to be gaining that kind of weight, and that in itself is a bad sign. If she doesn't get a handle on it now, it'll just get worse and those 30 lbs will become 50 and so on. But, yeah, you have made the problem worse by lying to her since it's so important to you. And there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're not super-critical of her about 10 lbs or so. In a way, your gf should really know this isn't appealing but it doesn't sound like she's clueing in - and that's probably because of the things you're doing and saying that contradict what you're really feeling.

 

There are a lot of people who think it's ok to let themselves go once they're in a relationship but, as far as I'm concerned, I think that's the time to be even more aware of your looks since you are with someone who actually sees you naked! There may be some women telling her that you should love her no matter what and she may be buying that stuff.

 

Now that there have been so many mixed signals going on, you need to let her know that you've been dishonest with her and need to tell her the truth. If she gets offended by it, just tell her that this is the way you feel about it and that's not going to change. Whether this is a tough conversation to have or not, you have to do it because it's not fair to her not to know what's going on.

[Ronni_W]

...I have been reassuring her that it was not a problem. ...but now it is. ...I keep trying to reassure her confidence, but she's getting more and more self conscience about it. I always cheerfully lie

Since your attempts to "reassure her" (er, by lying to her?!?) aren't working, why not try being honest with her, instead?

It is quite possible that your lack of courage to communicate your feelings about what is bugging you, is helping to maintain/support the current situation.

 

What are you doing to help motivate her to stop eating chips and drinking Coke? By "cheerfully" lying to her about your true wants and feelings, you are not helping her, or her self-esteem, or yourself. She ALREADY knows that you're lying about something...and somehow you'd rather she think you're cheating than find the courage to be truthful with her about the real source of your mutual problem.

Your prowess in bed has nothing to do with it. Your lying is diminishing her self-esteem and self-confidence, NOT reassuring her about anything at all.

 

But I digress.

To answer the question of your thread, no, I don' think it's "shallow" when people express their personal preferences and dislikes. We each have the right and authority to like what we like.

[carhill]

OP, you're not married. Be honest with her, mindful that she may accept this honesty in a negative light and have a negative reaction. You can't control that, or her. You can control how you act and react.

 

I mention married mainly because of the legal aspects. A married woman who is mad at you for being honest can make your life miserable in more ways than one, trust me

 

Her weight and attitude (chicken or egg, I don't know) are issues for you. Now is the time to square them away. Tell her what you want, not what is wrong with her.

 

Oh, could you expand upon why your sex life has diminished? I'll presume "turned on" less might be a factor, but that indicates sex for you is more superficial. You might want to work on that.

[Zolar]

I did. I would not do it again. But, I stayed because he was nice, he was my friend and he hadn't done anything bad to me. But, then he became abusive and I had to leave. I should never have stayed with someone I wasn't attracted to.

 

I used to think that I was too shallow - in fact, that's how I ended up with that guy.

 

I'm also a work-out person - 20 years in the gym. He worked out in the gym, too, but he was still fat. He was a huge man and very, very strong. He had arms and legs like tree trunks, but a flabby midsection and a wide ass. I found it disgusting, but I put up with it - although, I avoided him for long periods of time. Sex was terrible - like some kind of two person masturbation session - no passion, no feeling. He was increasingly getting into porn. Guys who are into porn are usually just into sex - not really into their partners.

 

I've had a lot of people try to tell me who or what I should be attracted to. I'm not into bodybuilders - people think that's strange, usually, because I'm in the gym 4 days a week and it shows. But, for me it's just something I do. I've always been attracted to kind of prissy, somewhat feminine-looking men, even though I enjoy the gym and understand what goes into bodybuilding for both men and women - it has always been an appreciation of the art/sport, but never any kind of sexual attraction. But people always want to tell you who you should be with or who you should be attracted to, it seems.

 

This time I picked someone I am wildly attracted to - not a bodybuilder but so tiny and thin that you can count his ribs.

 

I just can't deal with the fat thing. I can't. And, if you're going to be in a relationship it's good to be attracted to that person and really in love with them - not just there.

 

There are lots of women who are attracted to big guys. There are lots of guys who like larger women.

 

Maybe it's time to stop beating yourself up for being "shallow." Maybe it's time to just do what it takes to make you happy. Frankly, if she's putting weight on like that - maybe she's unhappy.

[D-Lish]

You have to be honest.

It doesn't help to say "no honey, you look fine" while you feel so much differently inside.

 

You have to say it- be upfront and tell her you want to be supportive of what it takes to get her fit and happy again.

 

Be honest- it's important.

 

It's not shallow to want your partner to stay fit.

Most people would want that.

[2sunny]

do her a favor and break up with her.

 

her weight is her problem - not yours... the fact that you are making it about you and your happiness makes me wonder if you really do care about her and have her "happiness" in mind.

 

in other words - i think your concern with her weight is selfishly driven. break up with her so she can find someone who loves her any way she prefers to be. not just because she looks good enough for your standards.

[Angel1111]

Like I said in another post similar to this one, being overweight is not a natural state for our bodies. It's not appealing and it's not the way we're designed.

 

I honestly believe that there are now so many chemicals in our foods, meats, etc. that we are paying a huge price for it. So until our government starts to care about the pure stupidity of what it's allowing in our foods, then this problem will only get worse. Between the high increase in chemicals, along with the overuse of presecription drugs, it's not at all surprising to me that we have such serious problems. And because being overweight is becoming so common, then people expect everyone to be ok with it, instead of admitting to themselves that it's not attractive and they need to do something about it.

[Walk]

• Could she be depressed and that's what lead to the weight gain?
  

• Has she been checked by a physician for hypothroidism?
  

• Some contraceptives can cause weight gain. I was on one that caused horrible depression, I gained 30lbs, and made my life a living hell for nearly a year.
  

• Some drugs can cause weight gain: steroids, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, antidepressants, diabetic medications.
  

• Blood sugar imbalances can trigger cravings for sweets to stablize the levels.
  

• Essential fatty acids deficiency may cause cravings, particularly for fatty foods.
  

Ask her to see a doctor before you decide she's just being fat and lazy.

[Treasa]

I would start out fit, and then every time I entered a relationship, I would gain a ton of weight. I think it was anxiety or a fear of the relationship.

 

The relationship I'm in right now (over four years) was different. I went into it very obese, and got morbidly obese. He loved me for who I was, and not my weight.

 

About two and a half years ago (and I'm 33), I decided that I wanted to be healthier for me, and I ended up losing and keeping off 120 pounds. My boyfriend didn't pressure me, didn't love me any more or less, and was just supportive of my choice.

 

If you aren't attracted to her, please leave her and let her find someone who she feels comfortable around. Eating the way she does is probably a symptom of something else going on in the relationship.

[lovestruck818]

Op, if you're not perfect (and trust me, no one is), is it really fair to try & strive for it in looking for a mate? No one is perfect and either you accept it or you don't.