How do I get him back

[Laura]

All of you women out there will probably hate me - but I have been "the other woman" for the last 14 months.

 

I've known my boyfriend for almost 15 years. He was married with young children when I met him, and terribly unhappy. He stayed in the loveless marriage for the sake of the children. I was married to my ex-husband - no children. K and I remained great friends. I never considered dating him, but I did often hear stories of how unhappy he was.

 

Now his kids are grown and out of the house and it just kind of happened one night. We fell deep in love. I mean DEEP in love. He never knew that he could be this happy. Neither did I.

 

He told his wife almost immediately. She did not take it well. She is a good woman, but entirely dependent on him both emotionally and financially. He hasn't loved her for many years. His daughters swore to never forgive him if he left their mother. He has been riddled with guilt and has been a wreck. Meanwhile we have been seeing each other every day.

 

He keeps on breaking up with me to try to get his family back together. It never lasts for more than a week or two. She has made no effort to change and he misses me dearly. It came down to the wire this week. He was supposed to be in divorce court and backed out last minute. He is afraid of growing old without a family.

 

He called me crying and asked me to meet him. He cried and I cried and he told me that he will love me forever, but feels the pressure from his family. He said that he can never see me ever again because when he does he just misses me and wants me so much and it is so hard for him. (We belong to the same volunteer organization - it will be very hard to never see each other again - and it means to much to both of us to expect the other to quit)

 

I know that he is making a mistake. His marriage counselor has even told him that his marriage is dead, and that if he stays with his wife it will just be because of guilt.

 

How do I get him to see that he is making a big mistake before it is too late? I love him so much and I have no doubt that he loves me.

[luvmyboys]

It sounds like he doesn't have much backbone; but as a parent myself, I can certainly understand his dilemma if the children said they will never forgive him. I do wonder with everything out in the open now; are the children accepting of the fact that he has been having an affair this long, and can forgive and forget this that easily? Does he really; truly believe his GROWN children will never forgive him? Or do you think that could be his excuse because he is too afraid to make the break?

 

It's really his choice, and as hard as it hurts, he hasn't chosen you so you may as well accept it. You can't force someone to love you more than the commitment he has made to his wife and kids.

[Laura]

I know that he doesn't have much of a backbone, and believe it or not I have always been attracted to that quality. I like the fact that he is not a guy that can just up and leave his family in a heart beat no matter how unhappy he is.

 

His children DO know about the affair and have both called my house to talk to me. One of them WILL NEVER talk to him again weather he leaves their mom or not. She has some issues with him. (I know the issues and believe me she is the problem not him.) I think that the other one will come around in time, maybe in a year or two.

 

Thank you SO MUCH for answering my post. I felt that there was nobody I could talk to.

[luvmyboys]

You're welcome, Laura. I'm certainly no expert but I have been happily married for over 21 years and I can only imagine what life would be like if my family broke apart.

 

Wish you the best, I know it's a tough situation.

[superd]

I have witnessed a situation such as yours with some people I know and I can tell you that what your involved in sounds like a bit of a mess and it will take a long time for it to all get ironed out. Actually, it seems your situation is even more messy than the one I have witnessed. I can't offer you any advice other than to expect no quick fixes, its going to take alot of time for him to achieve some kind of normalcy in his life.

[Laura]

Thank you all so much for trying to help me. Its so hard to talk about this with my family and my friends. They all think that I should date a young, rich man and will never understand what I see in K. It's not that cut and dry. Believe me, my life would be so much easier if I wasn't in love with him. I have been so sad. I have no idea how I am going to get through this. Thank you again.

[superd]

All of those Disney movies out there brainwash all the ladies into thinking they are going to find a prince with gold and jewels as far as the eye can see. Now every now and then I hear that there are 10 girls to every guy in the world, I bet this is close to the actual estimate. My questions are: how many princes are there in the world? How many girls will really ever get to marry a prince? Just some food for thought. Also, I find that the sons and daughters of the kings in our society (i.e. the rich) often are really screwed up mentally and emotionally and can offer you money but not love.

[luvmyboys]

I beg to differ, I married a prince and have two fine princes that are following in his footsteps. How many husbands call home three times a day from work that is 10 minutes away and talk to their wife and kids? Mine does. Oh, and the kids are 21 and 17.

[superd]

I was speaking of a prince in economic terms like in someone that doesn't have to work anymore and will still be able to maintain the same lifestyle, but the fact that you took it so personal just goes to show you how much the Fantasia fantasy has a lock on your mind. Anyway, to each his/her own.