Regret and Jealousy

[cinderAndSmoke]

Hey,

 

I don't really know how to start. I guess I'm not really looking for advice, but I feel like I need to type this story to let out some emotions.

 

I've been with my current girlfriend for about 2 years, and I was a friend of hers for 5 years or so before that. We've lived together for the last year -- I love her to death and most things about our relationship are perfect. I love spending time with her. We can make each other laugh endlessly, talk seriously about money, science, religion, or just be content to lay down in each others' arms. We both like staying healthy - I love to cook and she loves to eat what I cook (hehe.. ) - we'll play sports or hike together. She's embraced my geekier hobbies and will play board games or xbox RPGs with me. We both have a passion for photography and art, so we'll set aside an afternoon to paint together.. or wander around in the woods and help each other frame photographs. She is beautiful. We have a great sex. Pretty much the only issue I have with our relationship is her sexual past. Well, a specific part of that sexual past. Here's the story...

 

A few years ago, there was a period when we were both coming out of long-term relationships, and it was a bit depressing for both of us. I guess being able to relate to each other, along with having so much in common, made us good shoulders for each other to cry on.

 

It became a bit of a strange friendship. There was alot of physical contact - hugging, hand-holding, laying on a bed together, etc... I became infatuated with her, and told her. She responded by telling me that she liked me too, but she wanted some time to be single. She needed time to figure out what she wanted in her life, who she wanted to be with, etc. I respected this and gave her space. She went on to date various guys from our university. One of these in particular bothers me. She went to a party and ended up drinking some warm beer in this guy's truck and fooling around with him. Later she excitedly told me the details. I think that hearing this hurt me more than anything else in my life. I've never felt more rejected... she told me she didn't want to start a relationship with me but she turns around and sleeps with a stranger..

 

Of course, I didn't tell her how I felt. I thought it wasn't really my business, and that she could do what she wanted. I knew that she had plenty of sex with her previous boyfriend, and that didn't (and still doesn't) bother me in the slightest. The difference was that had been in a long-term relationship and this was.. with a stranger. It seemed so.. slutty. It totally changed the view I had of her.

 

I remember a few particularly painful conversations. She told me how much she loved his big dick, and was afraid that her future boyfriends wouldn't "measure up". She told me about giving him a blowjob in a public library.

 

One day she was having a bad day at work, so I invited her out that evening. I rented her favourite movie (which I hate ), took her out to dinner, and she drove us back to my house to watch the movie. When the movie was almost over, this guy calls her cellphone from a bar. Since he was drunk, he needed a drive home, so she gave me a brief hug and sped off to pick him up. She later told me that on the way home they pulled over to the side of the road and ****ed in the back seat.

 

She later found out that this guy had a girlfriend the whole time. I hated the way she was acting, but I hated him more for taking advantage of her. I think she needed attention, and needed to feel loved and wanted. Again, this hurt me and made me feel rejected because I wanted to be the one to give her attention and love .

 

All of this made me not want to get into a relationship with her. But... I couldn't help it. Although I resisted, we once again started spending more and more time together. Our first kiss sent me back to being incredibly infatuated.. and after a weekend alone together in a secluded cottage having non-stop sex there was no turning back. Most things about the relationship have been great ever since.

 

Most. But every once in a while I think back on the way she acted with this one guy, and it makes me both insanely jealous, hurt, depressed, rejected, and full of regret. I've given it a lot of thought, and I think it boils down to...

 

She was so dirty! She's not that slutty with me! Blowjobs in public? Sex on the side of the road? I'm jealous!

 

The fact that more than once she turned me down or stopped hanging out with me in favor of him still hurts.

 

The biggest thing is that I regret so much. I feel like I could have saved us both some pain if I'd have been more honest with her. We've talked about it since, and she says she didn't know that I wanted to date her. (Which is strange because I had basically asked her out, and she said no.) I feel like I shouldn't have given her so much space. I should have been more persistent. I regret it. I had a feeling that this guy was a douche, but I kept it to myself. I regret not "protecting" her from him.

 

The "big dick" comment hurts my ego , but honestly that really doesn't bother me much. She tells me I was the first guy to eat her out "and do a good job", so I feel fairly confident in the bedroom. Hah.

 

 

Anyway, when I started writing this I was feeling pretty depressed but writing those first couple of paragraphs reminded me of how lucky I am to have her. Still, I'm worried that this is something we need to "deal" with, but I'm not sure how to. We've talked about it before, but it ends up being an awkward conversation and she gets upset thinking about those things. I tell myself I should just not dwell on the past, but sometimes ignoring things isn't the best way to fix a problem. Little things will spark reminders and bring memories rushing back.

 

 

Thanks for listening. This was cathartic.

[verve]

You really should read some David DeAngelo. Being too nice doesn't work, it isn't effective in creating attraction and attraction isn't a choice, its not logical so buying her dinner, getting her favourite movie, whilst very nice warm gestures don't create attraction. And though it sucks, this drunk jack-ass created attraction within her, thus her willingness to go pick him up and have sex with him.

 

I'm a firm believer in living for the day and the future and not dwelling on the past so don't let this stuff get to you. But I do think you benefit from reading about how attraction works and just pondering it in your head as it'll improve your relationship and help you understand what goes on in your girlfriends mind.

[Palladin]

Have you seen "Chasing Amy"? Your story reminds me a bit of this movie.

 

I think anyone would be a bit jealous, but that shouldn't get in a way of a great realationship. And since You know You're far better for her than him, why bother?

 

On the other hand that only ensures me that there are some things in a relationship that are better left untold.

[torranceshipman]

She's not that slutty with me? Lol...dude, chill!!!! Don't create problems where there aren't any. Some of what you posted here about your girl doesn't sound respectful either. Don't criticize her for what she did with that guy...just appreciate that you have a great girl and that the past is in the past.

[Javelin]

I know what you're after and the only person that can give it to you is your girlfriend. You are after reassurance that you are better than her ex-boyfriend, because of all the stories that she has told you! Yes, he's an idiot, but in the timeframe that they were dating, he blew her mind and that's what bothers you. It makes you feel uncomfortable at times to think about it and to know that in a sense, you were waiting around for her, while she was out with one guy after another...

 

Honestly, in your situation, you could have played your cards differently. I'm sure you're not giving us the full details about the earlier times before she became slightly permicuous. Granted, there's a fine line where we draw the limit. Yes, friends can talk sex, but if you're interested in a gurl and she's telling you about all her encounters in great detail, then it's time to move on; so we don't rehash this ***** in the future.

 

In the end, you're just going to have to get over it. It's pretty much the consequences of dating her after all this crap went down.

 

As long as you're both faithful to one another, I think you can put her past behind you.

[orangesean]

I don't agree with reading David Deangelo because I don't think that guy deserves any more money or popularity, but I think you missed a couple of basic truths about the dating game along the way that DeAngelo would have brought up (but **** DeAngelo seriously!)

 

You are a doormat, and she still went out with you after that behavior. This puts you in a funny predicament that most doormats do not ever enter.

 

Another poster had it right. Most guys would be out the door once hearing the girl they liked talking about their sexual experience with someone else in detail. Yet you came back to hear it over and over. Once things went sour she finally got your original message.

 

But you didn't make it clear in the first place that you wanted to date her even though you may think you did. You might have needed to hit her over the head with it. I don't mean to be mean about this but the way you are describing you telling her seems to indicate that it was kind of awkward and not really to the point.

 

I'm sure all these "slutty" things she did with him were also not initiated by her, so you may want to start sooner or later to initiate public sex etc... if that's what you really want.

 

So you have the girl you wanted now, tell her the truth, what you said here. She'll probably respect you for it. Also don't call her a slut. Also dick size really isn't the biggest deal unless you are really small. Big dick also means "uncomfortable" for some girls as well.

 

So really your only choice here is if you want her, let your feelings be known, get over the other guy, and get her to do the "slutty" things you clearly want her to do with you.

 

If you find yourself still going over the turmoil of the start of your relationship with her and kicking yourself in the head for that stuff then maybe you should break up with her and try again with another girl. Just I guess be more assertive next time and don't ever be around to be that friend that puts you on the end of the telling part of a kiss and tell.

[rproctor]

Yea, it definitely has to be difficult because she spilled all this to you in a non discreet way. In fact, after it happened, she probably came to you like a friend and spilled all the dirty little secrets. That really has to hurt, bad. Here you are with this girl, and instead of enjoying your relationship with her, you are in fact reminiscing over her previous relationship with him.

 

Fortunately, you can probably take solace in knowing that your not the only person with this problem, MANY people go through it. Its tough, but you will find that it can be overcome.

 

You have two choices, if you did not know that already. You can either get out of this relationship, or you can get over this and continue it. Ultimately, its that easy, however, initially it seems impossible... There probably is not a day you dont think about it, maybe not even a moment! But, all that can go away, all that can stop, all it takes is you!

 

A couple thins to take note of: This guy is no more important to your girl than any of her past boyfriends, or sexual encounters... And, I can almost guarantee you that all those people before you are a faded memory to her. She probably never thinks about them, if at all, ever. Truth is, you probably have focused on this guy 100x as much as she has since you two were together...

 

You write:

 

"I love her to death and most things about our relationship are perfect. I love spending time with her. We can make each other laugh endlessly, talk seriously about money, science, religion, or just be content to lay down in each others' arms. We both like staying healthy - I love to cook and she loves to eat what I cook (hehe.. ) - we'll play sports or hike together. She's embraced my geekier hobbies and will play board games or xbox RPGs with me. We both have a passion for photography and art, so we'll set aside an afternoon to paint together.. or wander around in the woods and help each other frame photographs. She is beautiful. We have a great sex."

 

Well, no wonder you are so worried. Jealousy is about fear of losing something close to you, something you love... The anger is about being powerless to stop it. When you think like this, unknowingly, you have created your girl into an object that you own and control. You didnt even realize it, but you did.

 

Also, you say you are lucky to have her, etc etc... You have to realize, that the way you are thinking is only fueling this problem. You put your girl on a pedestal. And, not only that, you made her into an object. So, you made her into an object that you think is above you, and you are trying to craft it into perfection.

 

Your girl is not above you, you are no more lucky to have her than she is to have you, and neither of you are better or worse than each other. Your both people, full of mistakes, bad decisions, past problems, and a complete collection of separate lives. Trust me, your girl sucking dick in a public place is probably the least of the demons she has. You cant expect her to be some impossible person, with no mistakes or anything.

 

I know your probably thinking, no its not that she was not a virgin, its that she did dirty, slutty things. But honestly, if she had sex in a relationship or out, what difference is it? That person she is no longer with, so it doesnt matter regardless. It may be a little less shocking, but in the end, it was all of her past that brought her to this moment with you. The old saying, you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince.

 

Really, you have to step outside of this mentality, it will only worsen itself if you see her in this shade of light. Your girl is no better than you, and you are no better than her. You have both made mistakes, sexual or other, and are both just as human as the next. Dont imagine her as some prize, or some object, because those things are not human, and humans dont engage in relationships with those things...

 

Besides man, if you think what you wrote about your girl in this post is bad, you should really read more about this issue. Some people are trying to cope with the fact that their girl has slept with 100+ men, and then some are trying to cope with the fact that thier girl is still a virgin but dry humped an ex bf... See the gap? But the problem is still the same. Its not about how many guys she slept with, how many dicks went in her mouth, or anything like that. Its about you, how you balance your relationship with her, and how you see her. If you see her as a slut, then even turning back time and removing that incident would not clear your thoughts.

 

if you feel insecure over this guy, or feel as though you dont measure up (literally or metaphorically), then you need to ground some self assurance with yourself and work on realizing that you are the man she is with, the man she loves, and the man she wants to spend her life with. If she wanted to be with someone else then I am sure she would have left you a long time ago.

 

I hope this helped, I went through the same thing. I feel for you man, but if you can wrap your head around it all, you can surpass this.

 

Peace

[BklynGuy]

Dude, I didn't even have to read your entire post. I once had a "semi" gf like this. She would always tell me about her sexual escapades which I felt was totally disrespectful.

 

It sounds to me like you met her at a time in her life when she wasn't totally there mentally and this is playing on YOUR relationship with her. When you have issues with someone in the beginning it usually doesn't work. Get out of it. Women have the right to sleep around if they choose, but also have to know how their words impact upon future partners. I would get out of this one and move on. Don't look back.

[Rorocher]

This must be hard for anyone but look at it this way. She was ****ed up back then, she was depressed over her break up and was acting out. Looking for instant gratification and validation, perhaps wanting to just be wild and not be herself. Trauma, e.g., depression over break-ups can turn the most rational person into a basket case. Most likely she was not looking to be emotionally tangled with anyone at that moment. It is no reflection on you. Even if you had made it clear enough that you wanted to date her, she probably saw you then as someone not to mess with, as in someone's whose emotions not to play with which is why she turned you down. You think she wanted to be with this guy's who she slept with? No she just used him to make herself feel better in that moment. He was easy and he was disposable, big penis or not.

 

There are people in my past, when I wasn't thinking clearly, that I've been with but wouldn't touch now with a 10ft pole. I'm sure if you ask her, she regrets it down and probably doesn't recognize that girl who slept in someone's truck. We've all done things in the past that we are not proud of. I'm sorry that you got too much details of her past.

 

She's human, she's flawed, she's with you now and your relationship is wonderful. Focus on that.

[cinderAndSmoke]

Hey, thanks for all of your thoughts. I think you're right about most of the things you brought up. And I'm going to initiate some midnight sex at the beach on the next warm night

 

My GF broke a toe this weekend so I've been "nursing" her the last few days. Since we've had to stay home and lay in bed it's given us more time to talk than normal... I brought up my hurt feelings about her past and I think we had a really good conversation about it.

 

And, no, I haven't seen chasing Amy. Don't have time to watch many movies, but maybe I'll check it out.. hehe.

[oldguy]

I can’t believe I’m actually going to write this, but if it might help here goes. Beyond the initial psychological benefit of being large, size is not, “all that” and is trumped by the psychological benefit of an intimate relationship. I’m speaking to you as someone who is… larger than average. Trust me on this; if she’s into you, you have nothing to be jealous of and no reason to compare yourself. You win hands down. And as far as satisfying her on a purely physical level I will share with you something a, (female), psychology professor once, crudely shared; “if it’s big enough to reach with your tongue, its big enough”. It’s not what you’ve got, it’s what you do with it and most importantly; how she feels about you. Professor “crude”, also once said; “If sexual pleasure could be measured on a scale form 1 to 10, 10 being the best, a mans 10 would barely compare to a woman’s 1”. We men are pretty easy.

 

I like a lot of what was said in some of the past posts; She is not a goddess, she is a person. Guys tend to unfairly elevate women to this goddess status when we fall in love, a status that no one could possibly live up too. The sooner we realize they are people the sooner we will move to the next, deeper, level of our relationship with someone who is our equal, our friend and mate

 

Here is a thought, one you may not be initially comfortable with but one that may be the truth; Could it be she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship with you when she was with this jerk? Is it possible she didn’t want to jeopardize or maybe cheapen your relationship because she respected you and that relationship? I know that sounds strange and here’s the part that you may not want to hear, but maybe she just wanted a meaningless sexual relationship without the burden of emotional commitment. Women like sex just like we do and sometimes do stupid things, just like we do. This may not help but I think it says a lot for your relationship; that she was having a personal, more meaningful relationship with you the whole time.

 

I don’t agree, or like the statement that suggests you simply, “get over it”. That would be like telling your gf to get over her broken toe. It just ain’t that easy. Sorry, you will need to work on it and it will take time. I would think about involving your gf too much in a problem that is quite honestly, “your problem”. A concern you might want to keep in mind is making her feel bad or worse or insecure with you because of it. I’m not suggesting you don’t talk to her about your feelings but you may want to tread lightly and choose your words carefully.

[Potatocakes]

Thats probably why I dont like to be friends with a guy first. Me and my boyfriend were friends and I got the same thing , all the sex in public places/positions/how good it was/etc. and it does hurt a lot.

 

He tells me now that he was just boasting(that it wasnt very good with them) and it was stupid. I believe him, who knows why they do it. You're lucky she doesnt try to hide things in her past from you even though it hurt it was the truth. Honestly she could have still went back to the guy even after she found out he had a girlfriend but she got out of whatever slump she was in and wanted a guy who treated her right.

 

No ones perfect, I agree with the other posts if you want exciting sex let her know

[Spectre]

It's pretty messed up that she told you she wasn't interested in dating anyone, then she goes and begins banging some other guy, that isn't very respectful. Then she goes into great detail to you about it, after you had expressed interest in her? That's both bitchy and slutty, why is it that after getting out of a long term relationship females think the way to remedy it is by sleeping with random guys? If that is what one considers living/enjoying life, that would be a life I don't want any part of.

[cinderAndSmoke]

It's pretty messed up that she told you she wasn't interested in dating anyone, then she goes and begins banging some other guy, that isn't very respectful. Then she goes into great detail to you about it, after you had expressed interest in her? That's both bitchy and slutty, why is it that after getting out of a long term relationship females think the way to remedy it is by sleeping with random guys? If that is what one considers living/enjoying life, that would be a life I don't want any part of.

 

Yeah. It sucked. Heh.

 

But I can also empathize .. she was just coming out of a long relationship, and had kindof lost touch with alot of her friends after high school. I think she felt alone and wanted to feel loved, but starting a new serious relationship scared her.

 

Also, I've been thinking about how our culture glamourizes casual sex. That probably didn't help. **** you, sex and the city!

[cinderAndSmoke]

Thats probably why I dont like to be friends with a guy first. Me and my boyfriend were friends and I got the same thing , all the sex in public places/positions/how good it was/etc. and it does hurt a lot.

 

He tells me now that he was just boasting(that it wasnt very good with them) and it was stupid. I believe him, who knows why they do it. You're lucky she doesnt try to hide things in her past from you even though it hurt it was the truth. Honestly she could have still went back to the guy even after she found out he had a girlfriend but she got out of whatever slump she was in and wanted a guy who treated her right.

 

Thanks for the support. It makes me feel less crazy.

 

No ones perfect, I agree with the other posts if you want exciting sex let her know

 

Yeah, the sex has been pretty awesome lately. Heh. Thank you, other posts who suggested this!

[cinderAndSmoke]

Thanks for the penis pep talk oldguy . I took some psych classes in sexuality, so I *know* those things, but it still hurts when a girl you care about is marveling over some other guy's cock, you know? Hehe..

 

Here is a thought, one you may not be initially comfortable with but one that may be the truth; Could it be she wasn’t ready for a committed relationship with you when she was with this jerk? Is it possible she didn’t want to jeopardize or maybe cheapen your relationship because she respected you and that relationship? I know that sounds strange and here’s the part that you may not want to hear, but maybe she just wanted a meaningless sexual relationship without the burden of emotional commitment.

 

I've come to believe this is true. And it makes me feel better.

 

Sorry, you will need to work on it and it will take time. I would think about involving your gf too much in a problem that is quite honestly, “your problem”. A concern you might want to keep in mind is making her feel bad or worse or insecure with you because of it. I’m not suggesting you don’t talk to her about your feelings but you may want to tread lightly and choose your words carefully.

 

I haven't really been treading lightly; I have been 100% honest with her about how I feel and that probably hurt her. BUT basically I have been trying to be careful to reassure her how much I love her and that I want to explain my feelings not to hurt her but only so that I can let go and thereby strengthen our relationship.

 

Talking to her about it I realized she had some pent-up guilt about the same things that I had pent-up jealousy about. So I guess dealing with it rather than ignoring it is helping us both.

 

 

Thanks for the support