I need a lot of help...pls......

[Devasted]

Hi, people. The replies I've read in the last few messages were wonderful, so I hope you guys can really solve my problem here.....

 

Ok here's my story, I'm 20 and the girl is 19. I've been in one relantionship before when I was 16 and she never been involved in one. We were in the same high school but only knew each other in college.

 

It wasn't love at first sight when I met her, we had some mutual friends so we ended up talking. We exchanged phone numbers cos we had quite a lot of things to talk about - we both love the same type of music and are crazy over this rock band.

 

So it's not surprising that I had a crush on her when we went to our first concert together with her cousins and friends.

 

From then on, I knew I liked her. So one day soon after the concert, I whipped out my guitar and sang her a song I wrote and ask her to become my g/f. She was shocked beyond words and rejected me. Her reason was that it came all too soon and we don't know each other well enough.

 

So I took it in my stride and starting asking her out for movies and meals in hope that she'll find a likin' for me. We started really talking and going out for regulary. I thought that we were having something on actually. I always insist on paying for the date since she isn't from a very well-to-do family. I also make it a point to send her back especially when it's close to the evening. I even bought her a diamond pendant for her Birthday.

 

Well, this went on for months and it's strange how the way things were. She was enjoying my company, I was hitting on her, but there's no sign of progress. When we bump into people we know in the streets, and they ask us are we both steadies, the answer is always: "We are just friends". We'll always avoid this subject of us being an item. We'd always talk about anything and everything, everything but us.

 

Maybe I'm inexperienced or even shy, but all this madness must stop. When we went out on a date on my birthday, that was like almost 7 months of this crazy dating game we had going on, I reached out and grab her hand, and once again, she was shocked. I had to let it go and from then on, the problem grew bigger.

 

I started getting worried, why can't she accept my feelings?

 

I begin to ask her questions, I'm really at a lost. Am I going out with someone who doesn't like me at all?

 

So after 9 months, I finally had to ask her one more time, I was really at my wits end. The answer was no. The reason is she can't see me in "that" way and we know each other as friends only too well.

 

I was devastated. When I first pop the question, she said she don't know me well enough, now, after nine months, she tells me she know me too well as a friend.

 

Well, I had to let go. I stopped my calls to her, and stopped goin' out to movies with her. In school, I hardly bump into her since we are in different courses. All I did, was to send her little E-Cards every month and a couple of poems to tell her how much I still like her.

 

Although I was hopeful, I was pretty sure that she would not give me a thought after all. And if she finally did, she must have cleared her mind and decided that I'm actually the one she really like. She's after all, really conservative and she never had a b/f before.

 

Then one day, in the 11th month, or March this year, I received an email from her. In it, she said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, she misses the times we were talking on the phone and the poems and e-cards meant something to her. She's willing to give us a chance at last.

 

I was so happy. I thought that this is the moment I've been waiting for. I wrote her back an email and I told her that I'd really want this to work out for us. She called me soon after that and we arranged to meet up the on the coming Saturday.

 

I was all geared up to meet her, my would-be-g/f. When I met her, things were kinnda uneasy. And I didn't really take the initative when I was alone with her. We later when to meet up with some of her friends and hang out together. When we were on the way back, I asked the question of us becoming steadies. She couldn't answer me and said she'll tell me on the phone. I was shocked this time round and I insisted on her talking it out now. We got off the train near her place and we started talking. She said that she's confused and lost and maybe she shouldn't have typed out the email. I figured that she was scared of commitment and I explained to her that I'm not that demanding, I'd treat her really well and all that. So when I was done talking, I ask her the question once more. And this time she said, "How would you like me to say yes?"

 

I thought that I was in heaven! I went to her and gave her a big hug. She didn't hug back and she looked dazed and lost. Then I realise that something is wrong. I asked her whether she really meant what she said and if it was from the heart, she said no. She can only see me as a friend.

 

Once again my heart was smashed to pieces. I don't know what the hell is wrong with her. The very day I thought that we'll finally be together was the day she left again.

 

Now what is happening now is that I went into a depression. I couldn't eat, sleep or study. I nearly went mad thinking about how things could have gone right. Somehow she knew about my depression and became really sorry for me.

 

We meet up in school just yesterday and I wrote a letter for her. In it, I promised her my unconditional love and my willingness to keep this friendship. She also wrote me a letter. And in her letter she said that at the present time, she can only see me as a platonic friend, but she's willing to forget all the things that happen and start all over again. And that we might never know what might happen in the future.

 

Now I'm so lost and confused as well. Yes I promised her I'll wait for her, but how long can I endure this pain and misery? I cried almost every nite and I punch the walls so hard that my kunckles bleed.

 

What does she want? What can I do to make her love me?

 

I really love her. She's really a very nice girl, she's not playing hard to get, but she can't seem to find the feelings for me. How can I make her change her heart?????

 

Pls advise...... I really need them......

 

Pls help me soon......suicide might become an option soon.........

[Tony T]

Let me start out by saying that this girl does not need a guy who considers suicide as an alternative to doing without her.

 

A lot of girls are not at all attracted to men who pursue too vigorously, try to get a boyfriend/girlfriend commitment too quickly, seem desparate, are too nice, send notes, poems or other communication too often, call to often, etc. Girls, particularly 19-year-olds, want a challenge. The want a MAN. They actually feel best with someone who exudes comfidence, who is a bit elusive, and someone who gives the impression they can live without them...at least in the early stages.

 

While a few young girls enjoy a nice guy right off the bat, the majority have to mature a bit and don't reach that point until some years later. A lot of my own lady friends gag if a guy sends them flowers too soon or persues them to vigorously after meeting them.

 

This girl may have other more serious problems. She may be very inexperienced and figures if the relationship gets too serious, she will be expected to go where she has never gone before. You said she had never been in a relationship before so there must be some compelling reason for that. My guess is that it involves various fears, some may be related to her parents, some related to her inexperience. But you are being much too agressive and insensitive. It sounds from her recent Email that she would like "something" with you is because she is human...but she has boundaries and wants it to go only so far. You need to respect that.

 

If you want any young girl to fall for you, you have got to be cool...don't be too nice...and don't let her know you like her so soon. Do things with other people and, for God's sake, don't be like a puppy dog and suck up to her all the time with mushy stuff. That comes much later.

 

I understand rejection can be devasting and hurtful. But it happens every day and it's not the end of the world. It's part of the process. If everyone ended their life because of rejection, the expressway would have very few cars. When you develop a new confidence about yourself and know you don't need this particular lady in your life to have it be complete, you might be surprised when she senses your new attitude and comes around. You may not even be interested in her at that time.

 

Now, this part you won't like but you need to know. Go back to the message board and scroll down to the March 9, 2000 post of "Totally Confused" entitled "Should I Call Her." It is a brilliant disertation on why girls say they want to be friends. I think in your case what you will read is at least 50 percent true. The part that is absolutely true is that when a girl tells you she "just wants to be friends" she is GIVING YOU A MESSAGE. A girl will NEVER say that to someone she wants for a boyfriend. Now, be a man, scroll down, then be kind and gentle to yourself...forget the suicide. If you take my advice here you can have many wonderful ladies around you.

 

Good luck...You sound like a great guy, just too sensitive, too pushy and too nice. If you don't learn what I'm telling you now, you are condemned to many years of similar experiences with women.

[Devasted]

Hi Tony, does this means that I'll have to let her go?

 

You didn't offer me advice on how can I turn things around and start afresh with her.....

 

actually the whole situation is a hell lot worse...it's just that my words here cannot describe many things that happened.

 

I also don't think it's a family problem....her mom kinnda likes me...and the reason why at this age she's still not having a b/f is because, she's not exactly pretty, I'm the first guy that actually have such feelings for her. And not forgetting, we live somewhere in Asia and we are both rather conservative people, although we have a lot of exposure to the western media protrayal of love, sex and all that.

 

I'm a Media Studies student here and it's not a problem for me to understand advice from someone in a more open Country.

 

Pls help me Tony, the pain's unbearable.

[Shirley]

Hi, people. The replies I've read in the last few messages were wonderful, so I hope you guys can really solve my problem here..... Ok here's my story, I'm 20 and the girl is 19. I've been in one relantionship before when I was 16 and she never been involved in one. We were in the same high school but only knew each other in college. It wasn't love at first sight when I met her, we had some mutual friends so we ended up talking. We exchanged phone numbers cos we had quite a lot of things to talk about - we both love the same type of music and are crazy over this rock band. So it's not surprising that I had a crush on her when we went to our first concert together with her cousins and friends. From then on, I knew I liked her. So one day soon after the concert, I whipped out my guitar and sang her a song I wrote and ask her to become my g/f. She was shocked beyond words and rejected me. Her reason was that it came all too soon and we don't know each other well enough. So I took it in my stride and starting asking her out for movies and meals in hope that she'll find a likin' for me. We started really talking and going out for regulary. I thought that we were having something on actually. I always insist on paying for the date since she isn't from a very well-to-do family. I also make it a point to send her back especially when it's close to the evening. I even bought her a diamond pendant for her Birthday. Well, this went on for months and it's strange how the way things were. She was enjoying my company, I was hitting on her, but there's no sign of progress. When we bump into people we know in the streets, and they ask us are we both steadies, the answer is always: "We are just friends". We'll always avoid this subject of us being an item. We'd always talk about anything and everything, everything but us. Maybe I'm inexperienced or even shy, but all this madness must stop. When we went out on a date on my birthday, that was like almost 7 months of this crazy dating game we had going on, I reached out and grab her hand, and once again, she was shocked. I had to let it go and from then on, the problem grew bigger. I started getting worried, why can't she accept my feelings? I begin to ask her questions, I'm really at a lost. Am I going out with someone who doesn't like me at all? So after 9 months, I finally had to ask her one more time, I was really at my wits end. The answer was no. The reason is she can't see me in "that" way and we know each other as friends only too well. I was devastated. When I first pop the question, she said she don't know me well enough, now, after nine months, she tells me she know me too well as a friend. Well, I had to let go. I stopped my calls to her, and stopped goin' out to movies with her. In school, I hardly bump into her since we are in different courses. All I did, was to send her little E-Cards every month and a couple of poems to tell her how much I still like her. Although I was hopeful, I was pretty sure that she would not give me a thought after all. And if she finally did, she must have cleared her mind and decided that I'm actually the one she really like. She's after all, really conservative and she never had a b/f before. Then one day, in the 11th month, or March this year, I received an email from her. In it, she said that absence makes the heart grow fonder, she misses the times we were talking on the phone and the poems and e-cards meant something to her. She's willing to give us a chance at last. I was so happy. I thought that this is the moment I've been waiting for. I wrote her back an email and I told her that I'd really want this to work out for us. She called me soon after that and we arranged to meet up the on the coming Saturday.

 

I was all geared up to meet her, my would-be-g/f. When I met her, things were kinnda uneasy. And I didn't really take the initative when I was alone with her. We later when to meet up with some of her friends and hang out together. When we were on the way back, I asked the question of us becoming steadies. She couldn't answer me and said she'll tell me on the phone. I was shocked this time round and I insisted on her talking it out now. We got off the train near her place and we started talking. She said that she's confused and lost and maybe she shouldn't have typed out the email. I figured that she was scared of commitment and I explained to her that I'm not that demanding, I'd treat her really well and all that. So when I was done talking, I ask her the question once more. And this time she said, "How would you like me to say yes?" I thought that I was in heaven! I went to her and gave her a big hug. She didn't hug back and she looked dazed and lost. Then I realise that something is wrong. I asked her whether she really meant what she said and if it was from the heart, she said no. She can only see me as a friend. Once again my heart was smashed to pieces. I don't know what the hell is wrong with her. The very day I thought that we'll finally be together was the day she left again. Now what is happening now is that I went into a depression. I couldn't eat, sleep or study. I nearly went mad thinking about how things could have gone right. Somehow she knew about my depression and became really sorry for me. We meet up in school just yesterday and I wrote a letter for her. In it, I promised her my unconditional love and my willingness to keep this friendship. She also wrote me a letter. And in her letter she said that at the present time, she can only see me as a platonic friend, but she's willing to forget all the things that happen and start all over again. And that we might never know what might happen in the future. Now I'm so lost and confused as well. Yes I promised her I'll wait for her, but how long can I endure this pain and misery? I cried almost every nite and I punch the walls so hard that my kunckles bleed. What does she want? What can I do to make her love me? I really love her. She's really a very nice girl, she's not playing hard to get, but she can't seem to find the feelings for me. How can I make her change her heart????? Pls advise...... I really need them......

 

Pls help me soon......suicide might become an option soon.........

Hi!

 

This girl cares for you and loves you as a friend. But she doesn't feel the chemistry with you. And it's not your fault. Or her's either. Those are her feelings, and you can't control feelings. Nothing you do can make her feelings change. It's up to you to decide what you are able to handle. If you can handle just being her close friend, and enjoy her company that way, then you'll have a lifelong friend. If it tears you apart that she won't commit the way you want her to, then it's best to stop seeing her. And I'm not saying that you'll be able to forget about her, because you never will. But don't torture yourself, trying to make her feel something she doesn't. When you love someone, you want them to be happy also. Try going out with other people and just having fun for a while. It is possible to fall in love with someone else, and if that happens again and that person returns that love, then you will slowly begin to stop hurting about the girl you can't have. But don't try to fall in love, just go out and meet people and enjoy their company. Your spirits will eventually start to lift.

[Devasted]

Hi Shirley, can the chemistry come out of the blue? Or is it too late, now that we are in the friends stage? Because, as long as there's a glimmer of hope, I'm willing to wait. She can go out and fall in love with guys, I dun mind. But at the end of the day, if she felt that she's been hurt, I'll always lend her a shoulder to cry on, someone to tok to. And someone to love, if all else fails. I truly love her and I'm willing to give up the swinging part of my early twenties just to be with her, because I know I'll love her for life.

 

Do you think by caring for her this way, she might have the chemistry?

 

Waiting for more advice....thanks

 

Devasted.....

[Tony T]

I just read your post to Shirley...after reading your comments to me. It's difficult for me to judge your situation in the context of a different culture. In America, you would be a pathetic, lovesick individual. You told Shirley you would let her see other men, wait for her, etc. Wow, you have so very much to learn. No matter what culture you are in, I advise you to GROW UP RIGHT NOW...AND BE A MAN. If this girl just wants to be your friend and you want more, it will be impossible to have a relationship with her. Do yourself a favor and move on. After reading your responses, quite frankly, I don't think you have the maturity she may be looking for. Women all over the world seek a man who is confident and who will not let them push them around. I stand by my earlier post...and I also agree with what Shirley told you. Now, grow up!!! Having someone not return your love is sad, and sometimes devastating, but Nagasaki and Hiroshima were devastated by nuclear weapons during World War II and have since been rebuilt into thriving cities. YOU WILL SURVIVE!!!

[Shirley]

Hi Shirley, can the chemistry come out of the blue? Or is it too late, now that we are in the friends stage? Because, as long as there's a glimmer of hope, I'm willing to wait. She can go out and fall in love with guys, I dun mind. But at the end of the day, if she felt that she's been hurt, I'll always lend her a shoulder to cry on, someone to tok to. And someone to love, if all else fails. I truly love her and I'm willing to give up the swinging part of my early twenties just to be with her, because I know I'll love her for life. Do you think by caring for her this way, she might have the chemistry? Waiting for more advice....thanks Devasted.....

 

Hi!

 

Boy I wish I could tell you that it could, but no, chemistry is not something that you can eventually learn to have. It's an immediate feeling. And that's what you feel when you touch her. An electrifying tingle. She doesn't feel that tingle. She could some day, decide to share her life with you, but it would be because she really cares for you. But in order to live happily forever with someone, both people need to feel that chemistry. Those touches are an important part of making us feel alive.

[Devasted]

Oh Tony...you are darn right about it....I'm a pathetic lovesick motherf***er.

 

I guess I should move on.....but somehow I know that this glimmer of hope will forever be implanted in my broken heart. Thanks for all the advice....

 

By the way...in case you are wondering, I'm not Japanese!

[Devasted]

I thought that tingle feeling is part of a crush or infactuation? Or is that love at first sight?

 

Can we just grow to love the person?

 

If people can fall in love on the internet after some IRC thingy, I dun see why she cannot fall in love with me.....

 

well.....let's hear more interesting advice.....

 

and by the way....thank you for your advice......