tunka6829 Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 I will try and make this brief as I can: 45/M married 23 years to high school sweetheart. Have 3 kids. I have lurked on this site as well as others so I am familiar with the variety of problems/discussions you normally see here. OK........me.......I started getting dissatisfied with the marriage in mid to late 30's. I felt like needs not getting met. Discussed these numerous times but it went in one ear and out the other as far as wife is concerned. So, I emotionally withdrew from marriage. And let me paint a picture, this was not a household of yelling and screaming, etc.......just a case where i happened to meet her needs much better then she met mine. ok.......separated over a year now. I really want to do the right thing. We are going to counseling. We have learned alot and the counselor said he never had a harder working couple. The main problem I have is I do not have alot of feelings, romantic, for wife. When we are together (we are dating some) and she wants to be close, I just do not feel it. We discussed me coming back, but heck........is coming back when you really do not feel close the right answer? That is the only drawback to coming back. She wanted a comittment from me if i come back. I told her I can not see into the future, so I could not honestly give her that. Ohh, there is no one else in picture. I enjoy my time alone and have not really missed her that much. Sometimes I feel bad about that. I am really a good guy type, hate seeing people hurt. It is not an issue of meeting my needs anymore. It boils down, do you get back together when the loving feeling arent there..........the romantic ones at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 It boils down, do you get back together when the loving feeling arent there..........the romantic ones at least. There are obviously many components to love besides romance, including affection, respect, friendship, loyalty, history, family ties, etc. While I understand your yearning for the addictive rush of new-found romance, you also know (and your experience proves) that it is transitory. So you could either engage in serial relationships looking for that emotional high or find something else that works for you on a long-term basis. That something could very well be your marriage. Perhaps the lack of closeness you feel is simply a result of your 1-year separation. I guess the question for you is - 10 years from now, which holds the greater potential for regret -Going or Staying? Something only you can answer... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 Sounds like its truly run its course and you want to leave for all the right reasons. I say leave, make it clear to your W how you feel, as the clean break will do you both good. You both have a great future and maybe new 'loves of your lives' waiting for you, and I am sure when the dust has settled you'll even leave with a friendship... Link to post Share on other sites
Author tunka6829 Posted August 3, 2008 Author Share Posted August 3, 2008 There are obviously many components to love besides romance, including affection, respect, friendship, loyalty, history, family ties, etc. While I understand your yearning for the addictive rush of new-found romance, you also know (and your experience proves) that it is transitory. So you could either engage in serial relationships looking for that emotional high or find something else that works for you on a long-term basis. That something could very well be your marriage. Perhaps the lack of closeness you feel is simply a result of your 1-year separation. I guess the question for you is - 10 years from now, which holds the greater potential for regret -Going or Staying? Something only you can answer... Mr. Lucky Thanks for response. I have given alot of thought towards the points you made just in thinking of what to do. The lack of closeness is definately not just a result of the past year separated. It may be a wall I formed a long time ago when I was beginning to withdraw. It may be that we were always more like friends then lovers. We married so young, and I have changed a lot. So, like you said, it comes down to making a decision and living with it. And, I thought about what you said about looking for the rush. Not totally sure on that......although it can be partially true, I just want to love a partner romantically. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tunka6829 Posted August 3, 2008 Author Share Posted August 3, 2008 Sounds like its truly run its course and you want to leave for all the right reasons. I say leave, make it clear to your W how you feel, as the clean break will do you both good. You both have a great future and maybe new 'loves of your lives' waiting for you, and I am sure when the dust has settled you'll even leave with a friendship... Thanks TS. This is what kills me.........I can identify with this response too which is 180 degrees from the first response. This is the most frustrating part of my problem. My morals/guilt says go back......you did not have it that bad......what your looking for is a myth.........or the problem your perceiving is really me....or your going through mid life crisis......or that the next relationship will be the same........etc My other side says.........we got married to young, not that close romantically and probably never will be, better to go now then later, we have just grown apart, that you can find someone out there, etc, or just the fact that I prefer to be on own. The counselor himself had concerns..........and he is religious based .......he asked me what my percentage of reasoning was in regards to going back because it is the right thing to do verse because i want to go back for the wife. And I had to admit that mostly it is for doing the right thing..........he said he was concerned that it should be more of a percentage to go back for wife...........that the problems typically arise again if the reason for going back is mostly for .....doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
luna3 Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 don't do it! everything that you've posted seems to indicate that your wife is trying her hardest to reclaim what you both once had, but that for you that part is over. don't waste her time. much more hurt will come of this if she finds out down the road that you decided to "grin & bear it" like some eternal cough medicine. that can't be construed in any way as doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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