Could u share with me what do you look for in a partner

[iwanttolive]

After my 4th break-up, my friends have been pushing me to think on the criteria i look for in a husband. I share some with them and they think my criteria are not specific enough. I really don't know how to come up with detailed criteria. All I want is a simple rs, to have fun together and support each other when we are down.

 

After reflecting, I guess I want someone with a heart of gold and compassion, have a good attitude when faced with problems (positive and optimistic), have strong values and principles when dealing with temptations, humorous, share similar interests (i love the outdoors, sun, sand and sea), respect and accept me for who i am, honest.

 

So I've two questions. Am I on the right track here or is there anything I could improve? Please share with me your experience. How long should u be friends with a person before jumping the relationship wagon? Thanks..

 

Oh, and which criteria can we compromise and which one cant?

[Gunny376]

(I write this as though you were my daughter)

 

Someone who has a life plan and goals but is flexable in them and not ridgid.

 

Someone who is for the most part done with their education and is established in a carrer path, (prefereablly ascending to some degree.

 

Someone who has and maintains balance in any and all aspect of their life. And who avoids extremes. Doesn't use drugs, (preferablly never has) doesn't smoke, doesn't drink to excess (social drinker if at all) isn't addicted to gambling or "gaming" etc.

 

Someone who is passionate about their interest, hobbies, etc ~ but not obsessive.

 

Someone who is a good communicator, open-minded, and is willing to read, learn and grow as a person, a man, a husband, a potential father.

Someone that listen as much as they speak, and with whom you can have a life long on-going dialog with.

 

Someone who has realistic goals and aspirations in Life. Who again is flexable.

 

Someone who is romantically, "relationship" financially literate ~ or at least willing to learn and grow.

 

Someone who "Works to live, not live to work."

 

Someone who has a proven track record of fidelity, honor, and a code of honor that he lives by.

 

Someone who doesn't have a lot of credit cards (BIG red flag) good credit, a good FICO score and who has a established savings account.

 

Someone who exercises regularly ~ but isn't obssessive about it (again balance)

 

Someone who isn't possessive, overly jealous without just cause.

 

Probally someone who is about five to ten years older than yourself, because women are about 10 years more emotionally more mature than men their own age.

 

Someone who's has had LTR and a proven track record of such.

 

Someone who doesn't need a relationship ~ but wants one. That is to say they are secure in themselves and with their lives.

[iwanttolive]

Many thanks, Gunny!!! I appreciate your advice :)

[fral945]

I'd recommend you deal with practical matters first. I think many women find that unromantic to look at relationships that way, but think about what you want from a mate in your day to day life when you aren't on cloud 9. How does he handle money, boredom, difficult times, etc. Make a list and sort it in areas, from most important to least important day to day. That'll give you a better idea on what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not.

[Miranda]

For me:

 

Someone who has been okay living on his own/being single - somebody who wants to be in a relationship SPECIFICALLY WITH ME, not somebody who wants to be in a relationship, period, and I'm the one who came along.

 

Somebody whose long-term goals are compatible with mine (not the same as being identical to mine, just that they will work in tandem).

 

Somebody who is kindhearted, nonjudgmental, and who knows the importance of compromise and teamwork.

 

Somebody who has been through hard times, so when/if they arise, it won't be the culture shock that it is for somebody who has never struggled.

 

Somebody who has a healthy relationship with at least one of his parents.

 

Somebody who is generally responsible, trustworthy, and conscientous in all areas of his life.

 

Somebody who can teach me new things and wants to share things with me, and who is also open to learning from me.

 

Somebody who is open to having children.

 

Somebody who can appropriately respond to various problems, and seek help when appropriate, rather than respond with denial or ignore problems. Somebody with resilience.

 

Somebody who returns the respect afforded him.

[Trialbyfire]

OP, no one can tell you what you need v. what you want. Only you know what you need within your partner and what requirements you're willing to barter away or ignore.

 

Okay, here are some of my requirements, in no particular order:

 

• Honesty/integrity.
  
• Honour.
  
• Strength of character.
  
• Same core values.
  
• The ability to love deeply.
  
• Similar interests for the purposes of compatibility.
  
• A strong emotional and intellectual communicator.
  
• Successful within his career choice.
  
• Holds me as his number 1 priority.
  
• Doesn't believe in pedestals.
  
• Intelligence.
  
• A wicked sense of humour.
  
• Polished and smooth.
  
• Be my best friend and lover.
  
• Kick arse chemistry.
  

[porter218]

Okay, here are some of my requirements, in no particular order:

 

• Honesty/integrity.
  
• Honour.
  
• Strength of character.
  
• Same core values.
  
• The ability to love deeply.
  
• Similar interests for the purposes of compatibility.
  
• A strong emotional and intellectual communicator.
  
• Successful within his career choice.
  
• Holds me as his number 1 priority.
  
• Doesn't believe in pedestals.
  
• Intelligence.
  
• A wicked sense of humour.
  
• Polished and smooth.
  
• Be my best friend and lover.
  
• Kick arse chemistry.
  

That is sooo funny. I have those first three on your list tatood on my back in Japanese. I always told people when they asked what it was, I would say It's the instruction manual for being with me:D.

[annieo]

After my 4th break-up, my friends have been pushing me to think on the criteria i look for in a husband. I share some with them and they think my criteria are not specific enough. I really don't know how to come up with detailed criteria. All I want is a simple rs, to have fun together and support each other when we are down.

 

After reflecting, I guess I want someone with a heart of gold and compassion, have a good attitude when faced with problems (positive and optimistic), have strong values and principles when dealing with temptations, humorous, share similar interests (i love the outdoors, sun, sand and sea), respect and accept me for who i am, honest.

 

So I've two questions. Am I on the right track here or is there anything I could improve? Please share with me your experience. How long should u be friends with a person before jumping the relationship wagon? Thanks..

 

Oh, and which criteria can we compromise and which one cant?

 

While I can understand why (after 4 break ups) you would want to come up with some sort of foolproof list to follow when looking for a spouse, I find that that attitude probably sabotages your relationships. It's too clinical, goal-oriented, bloodless. What about chemistry, what about that unpredictable spark?

 

Just open your mind and see what's out there, with no agenda or list, and realize that no one is going to be "perfect", whatever that means.

 

Treating each man you meet as a "husband prospect" has to be a turn off. If I got that vibe off a guy in the first few weeks/months, I'd feel like it wasn't about me, just about getting married.

[torranceshipman]

I once went on a date with a guy that said the last girl he'd dated had pulled out a handwritten list, and proceeded to ask him every question on it, regarding his likes/dislikes, wishes to have children, attitudes to thing, etc - he said he just got up and left! Lol! Thats funny...

 

I think some of your list is good - I'd say killer chemistry too.

[Lizzie60]

You are on the right track... don't settle for anything less..

 

bottom line, we are ALL mainly looking for the same qualities.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

A woman who is slim to athletic build. I may make an exception for a woman who is slightly overweight IF she is working on it.

 

None smoker. May compromise if she is a past smoker or IS cutting down.

 

None alcoholic. This also means women who drink to get tipsy or drunk at all.

 

Intelligent, meaning a woman I can debate with (like some of you ladies here). I won't compromise on this.

 

A woman with a high level of honor and honesty. I won't compromise on this.

 

A woman who is erotic, sensual, and kinky. I won't compromise on this.

 

A woman with a life of her own, i.e. I should not be the one that makes her life fun and interesting, I should only be an enhancer. I won't compromise on this.

 

A woman looking to have at two or three kids. I won't compromise on this.

 

A woman who takes the vows seriously and to heart. I won't compromise on this.

 

A woman who I can grow as one with. I won't compromise on this.

 

A woman who is spiritually (preferably Christian). I would compromise on it.

 

A woman of no hardcore addictions. I would compromise if it was something of her past.

 

A woman who understands what marriage is about, which IS NOT two people who at being more like independent individuals, than one being. I won't compromise on this.

 

I don't know how old you are IWantToLive... But, your friends may have a point. Sometimes sitting down with yourself and figuring out who you are and finding out what you can deal with and not in another, especially one you are thinking about forever with. You need to be specific. I think one of the things that is the problems with the state of marriage in the US is that we are not specific enough. We tend to just live for the good times and not wanting to think about the bad times. Too many men and women have the, I'll fix them once I put the ring on them. Or they don't take the time to ask the questions that are really important to them, thinking their spouse will automatically fall in line, and when they don't everything goes down hill.

 

Another thing you should think about is the vibe you are giving off and the men you are dating. If you know you are going after the ones who are only looking for something temporary and you are giving off the vibe of wanting more, it scares them off. People might think I am crazy for it, but I date with a plan in mind. So, I narrow my choices of women to a select few. I am the long term marriage minded type. I am not a party animal or clubber. And I give off that vibe, so I don't ever pick up clubber partygirls. Now, I would probably look for a more studious woman (though I would pick a woman who is a bit more outgoing than I am) with a heart of adventure. One who is into the simple things in life. And who is into the long term and looking for marriage.

 

I hope this may give you an idea. Good luck out there in the dating world and have fun. Don't forget to keep a mental goal and checklist.

 

 

DNR

[iwanttolive]

What about chemistry, what about that unpredictable spark?

 

I guess we tend to think we have chemistry with someone during courtship because of the passion and sparks and because we were in our best mood.

 

Once the initial sparks wear off, it's the other fundamental things that hold 2 persons together. And these are the things I'm trying to figure.

 

I once went on a date with a guy that said the last girl he'd dated had pulled out a handwritten list, and proceeded to ask him every question on it, regarding his likes/dislikes, wishes to have children, attitudes to thing, etc - he said he just got up and left! Lol! Thats funny...

 

OMG!!

 

You are on the right track... don't settle for anything less..

 

bottom line, we are ALL mainly looking for the same qualities.

 

Thanks Lizzie.. You are so right, looking at the lists everyone has shared, we all do look for the same qualities!

 

DNR: I don't know how old you are IWantToLive

 

I'm 27

 

I think many women find that unromantic to look at relationships that way, but think about what you want from a mate in your day to day life when you aren't on cloud 9. How does he handle money, boredom, difficult times, etc.

 

Too many men and women have the, I'll fix them once I put the ring on them

 

Very true.. Me included. But I can't really imagine problems and bad times until they really come. For example, when my ex told me he wanted to be a full time real estate broker/ agent and quit his previous job, I totally supported him. All I wanted was for him to be happy. I did not consider that we would not have much time to spend together anymore. From there, things just started going downhill. Of course there were other factors contributing to that.

 

So, I will observe a guy on how he handles problems, before jumping into r/s with him.

 

DNR: Another thing you should think about is the vibe you are giving off and the men you are dating.

 

I don't know why, but I keep attracting men who belittle me and disrespect me. I admit I'm only academically smart. I can play piano and sing pretty well. I'm not bad looking.

 

But i'm not street smart. I'm bad with direction and in making decision.

Will anyone be able to accept me?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I don't know why, but I keep attracting men who belittle me and disrespect me. I admit I'm only academically smart. I can play piano and sing pretty well. I'm not bad looking.

 

Answer these questions...

1) How did you pick these guys? So times you might be picking them because of the "I wanna bad boy I can change." idea.

 

Example: Of the 5 women I really considered being in a relationship with, I either wound up with someone who was too quiet and introverted like me (I strongly don't suggest you date anyone who is too much like you or who is TOTALLY opposite than you.) and so we didn't last but for a few weeks on average (and we barely saw each other at that), or they had other things more important (one was too stuck on her past and my last one her business), and one was a total liar and game player and I was foolish enough to play them.

 

2) Why did you stay with these guys? Maybe you were saying to yourself, "He's a man of his word, he won't do that again."

 

Example: I am that die hard romantic who want to believe it takes time to build true love. But, I have to also learn that it can't happen if two people aren't working for that same goal. I think I hold on to that hope because it usually takes me so long to find love (example my last face-to-face date was back in 2003 and the longest time I have been single is 7 years (that was after my first gf and we only lasted like 5 weeks and saw each other like 4 times). So, yeah, I am really running out of time here.

 

3) Is it something I am putting out that attracts the wrong man to me? Some people just scream victimize me. Check things like your confidence level in a relationship.

 

Example: Maybe I give off that vibe that saids I don't really care sometimes. I mean, I say I love them and I do try to do things with them, but my own insecurities about moving forward may be pushing the face-to-faces away. And I also put out a vibe that I will put up with all the crap you have just to be with you.

 

4) Am I looking for someone to change to my ideal man or someone with most of the qualities I am looking for? Some people, especially teens and young adults, are still forming the person they want, so they are looking around. Now if your grounded enough to know what you are looking for, don't set, especially on the important things like "I will not tolerate abuse of any nature."

 

Example: I don't look for a woman with ALL the qualities I have, I mean a lot of preferences have a lot to deal with our youth and experiences, so they can and do change. I try to find the women with at least 5 of my most important qualities. Health, honesty, looks, intelligence, spirituality, and sensuality. Everything else, I see how they may take away from the woman I am looking at, e.i. I can deal with a woman who smokes regularly if she score high in those 6, than I could with a woman who smokes and only score high on 3 or 4 of the above.

 

5) What things that were common in each of these men? Believe it or not, even with the most drastically different date, there are ALWAYS elements (both good and bad) that are always present in the people we date. Try to think of them and see if you notice them in any future men you date.

 

Example: All the women I have fallen for have all had something that knocked me way down the food chain. All had things that prevented us from being around each other on a regular basis (e.i. distance, career goals, not able to let go of the past).

 

But i'm not street smart. I'm bad with direction and in making decision.

Will anyone be able to accept me?

 

You know what, sometimes being a little street dumb is okay. As long as your not like totally ignorant to the dangers out there. I can tell you, I don't really know who is who or what is what around where I live. But, I am aware enough to perceptive of the areas I am moving around in. I couldn't talk the street lingo, tell you where clubs are, how to identify who has what just by looking at them.

 

Why wouldn't anyone accept you? And what are you doing to be accepted?

 

While we should not HAVE to change who we are, the fact of the matter we MUST change certain things about ourselves to meet certain expectations. If your a loud, wild, outgoing person, your not going to be turning your workspace into a party zone. If your the quiet, studious type and your at a concert, your going to be bouncing up and down with the rest of the crazies.

 

So, what can you change about yourself to be more ready for the type of relationships? Because while we would like to place all our problems on our ex's there was another common factor in those relationships too, us. So, what are you going to do to be prepared to be more acceptable to the next man you meet?

 

Find some good personality, dating, sex, etc. quizzes to take. Get some insight into yourself and really get to know you. That will help you become more open and ready for the types of relationships you want. And it may give you insight into the men you are eyeballing for your vacancy.

 

 

DNR

[torranceshipman]

Ohhh, and not bitter or insecure. These are massive factors for me - both of which I consider immediate dealbreakers. Basically because if a guy tries to control me (or whatever) due to his own insecurities, or is all whiney due to them, I'd walk in a nanosecond as it'd annoy the hell out of me, and bitter - well, thats just the biggest turn off so I'd lose interest if I saw that quality in the person.

[quankanne]

After reflecting, I guess I want someone with a heart of gold and compassion, have a good attitude when faced with problems (positive and optimistic), have strong values and principles when dealing with temptations, humorous, share similar interests (i love the outdoors, sun, sand and sea), respect and accept me for who i am, honest.

 

this is a fantastic list, the only thing I've added is that he gets along with my family, because that's something important to me. The best part of my relationship right now? He knows how to make me laugh. In the silliest of ways, but it's much appreciated, especially with what's going on in our life right now!

[iwanttolive]

Ohhh, and not bitter or insecure. These are massive factors for me - both of which I consider immediate dealbreakers. Basically because if a guy tries to control me (or whatever) due to his own insecurities, or is all whiney due to them, I'd walk in a nanosecond as it'd annoy the hell out of me

 

I agree totally. I will no longer tolerate being anybody's pawn. I don't owe anyone anything!

 

He knows how to make me laugh. In the silliest of ways, but it's much appreciated

 

That will definitely melt my heart