Sarah12385 Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 sweetie, i was in your same shoes. my boyfriend and i were together for over 2 years. the "he locks himself in his room with the computer" thing, same thing with me. my boyfriend was ALWAYS on the compouter, playing games, etc. and yes, i had no life outside of him. he also told me i was smothering him. i'm sorry if this hurts you, but i ended it. casually, calmly. i told him how things were just at a dead end, how i tried and did what i could to livin things up, but i had absolutely no luck. i'm not saying break up with him persay, but maybe mention to him that you want a break, or are just having some second thoughts about the 2 of you, you know? just a suggestion. the best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 I totally disagree with the smothered thing. We don't see one another enough to feel that way. I think it's all in his head. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. You say to your bf, for instance 'I think you spend too much time on the computer' and he says 'I don't think I spend too much time on the computer; it's all in your head'. Whether or not you agree, you have to listen to your partner when he says he feels a certain way and validate that he might feel that. As for the cause, it could be that he's depressed, it could be that he's addicted to his computer and resents the intrusion, or it could be that he's trying to end the relationship. You two have to work this out between you because we can't sort it out without knowing you both. I'm not wild about John Grey's stuff, but I did find his ideas about what to do when men 'go to the cave' as interesting. Sometimes they do need to go off and think uninterrupted. With luck, what he'll do is rethink what he's doing with you but he'll appreciate you if you respect his wishes. At some point he should start wondering why you haven't called and call you but give it a few days. If he hasn't called by, say, Wednesday, then it may be time to have 'the talk'. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 10, 2003 Author Share Posted August 10, 2003 I hear what everyone is saying. I just got back from my day on the boat. It was good, but, of course, I wanted him to be with me. I have not heard from him and nor have I tried to contact him. He is supposed to hear back tomorrow about a job. He normally calls me about things like this. I wonder if I am going to hear from him when he finds out? Should I call tomorrow if I have not heard anything by 5pm? Or should I just wait? If I forget later on...I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 do you think he has an internet addiction, or depression, or some other problem, that he may need to recognize and seek professional help with? if not, if i were you, i wdn't call him at all - let him feel the result of his words about being smothered. Then again, i get hurt easily, and i'd view calling after the smothering comment as humiliating myself... *shrug* my 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 10, 2003 Author Share Posted August 10, 2003 I don't think that he is addicted to the Internet. I think he is seriously depressed. He is in a job that is going no where and making next to nill. The job he interviewed for is much, much more money. I think this will help him, but I still think that there is more to it... He does not like to talk. He is the type of person that keeps everything inside. Hence, the reason why we are now going through this little phase... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 11, 2003 Author Share Posted August 11, 2003 Still nothing...He should have found out about the job by now and nothing... Just for the record...I am going crazy...last time he pulled something like this, he called me every night...I have no idea what to think now... Link to post Share on other sites
spygal Posted August 11, 2003 Share Posted August 11, 2003 you said he came to your house and checked his emails, so you must have a computer too? if so why not just email him a casual note asking how things are, if he'd like to chat, or do something even take a walk? something very light and very simple. i guess if it were me at this stage or not talking for a couple or so days that i would take it as a good hint that he either is not going to make the first move or is waiting for you to make the first move or is just in hiding from your "smothering" him. either way this needs to be resoloved, either ended permanetly so you can get closure and move on or reconcile and work things out. maybe he is just taking some time for himself to sort things out and does not know how to call you because he feels funny or embarrased about it. just my thoughts, i hope things work out for you, i can feel your pain and i'm sorry, that is a long time with someone and then to have it end without any real warning. good luck and i wish you the best with or without him, one other thought is do you really want to spend your life with someone you can't really even communicate with? soemone who wont even open up to you and tell you what is wrong? that all sounds so sad in the end anyway but good luck just the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 11, 2003 Author Share Posted August 11, 2003 Well, I have decided not to call him. I talked to my shrink and she advised me against it. She said to let him miss me. Now, I wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 12, 2003 Author Share Posted August 12, 2003 I still have not heard anything from him...I am not liking this... Link to post Share on other sites
sunnie23 Posted August 12, 2003 Share Posted August 12, 2003 you've been with this guy for two plus years and he hasn't called you in how long? sister, you need to open your eyes and kick him to the curb. i understand that your relationship means a lot to you, but why are you being his doormat? he may be depressed, addicted to his computer, broke and smothered but what about YOU? you have to think about number one-YOU. it seems your bf is being very selfish in not even wanting to check in to see how you're doing. you have needs that aren't beeing met. there are a hundred gabillion men in this world. at least half of them are datable...(j/k) the best advice i can give you is this weekend, grab a few girlfriends, do yourself up and take a night on the town. flirt, let boys buy you drinks and remember what it's like to get some attention, regardless of how superficial it might be. when you get home that night, compare how you felt on your night out as a singleton to the past three months or so with your bf. see how it all adds up, and quit neglecting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 13, 2003 Author Share Posted August 13, 2003 I know, I know...there are a lot of fish in the sea. However, it has taken "years" to find someone that I click with the way I do with my b/f. We have had our problems, mostly because of him, and his immaturity. I am his 3 girlfriend, ever and I am 9 years old than him. This is all a learning process for him. I know that it sounds as if I am making excuses, but I'm not. He really is that naive. Yes, I want to be with him, but I am not going to call or email. I will wait until his has the balls to contact me...Then we'll talk. Link to post Share on other sites
mewbomb Posted August 27, 2003 Share Posted August 27, 2003 Hey there... just keep busy and he will call you! thats a given.. it really depends on how you react towards him. If you really are smothering...just chill...or you will scare him away! Im in somehwhat of the same process right now. Try and keep busy and relax... when he calls be calm and happy to talk to him... he will enjoy it!! Take a look at some of the posts that i made... crazy stuff!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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