No Family - No Support System

[HokeyReligions]

Another thread brought this to mind. So many people turn to friends and family in which to confide, seek help or opinions, and for crying-shoulders.

 

I see nothing wrong with that in a close-knit family. I'm wondering though - how many of you actually have a family support system, and how big is it?

 

You see, I have no one. All my family is gone and the closest friends I had have been absent from my life for 25 years. The few friendships I've made along the way are transient and surface-only types of friendships. They are people I've met at work. The only friends I've made outside of work are my husband's friends and naturally we are not close.

 

So, I have no support system if i need someone. I have to handle everything on my own - no matter how painful it seems to me, or how sad and tired I think I may be - I have to find the strength. It's always been that way even when my mom was alive - she was 2000 miles away and I was her support and when she moved in of course I took care of her as I watched her slowly die over the 8 years she lived with us.

 

My husband and I are married in name only. We haven't been intimate in at least 14 - 15 years and our friendship has faded a lot over the last few years. We now live separate lives in the same house. He is disabled and my income supports us both and at least this way I'm not totally alone - he will kill bugs for me. But that's not a support system - is it? Maybe it is, hell I dunno!

 

How many of you really do have a family support system? How does it work for you? How do you give support? How do you ask for it?

 

I find it interesting, especially since I used to feel I understood what it was all about -- its just been so long that I've forgotton.

[quankanne]

since my mother died, it's been hard in one sense, because she was my rock. The one whose voice I only needed to hear and my world will be all right, and she's been a hard act to follow because how do you replace someone you've had that kind of relationship with?

 

I have a couple of very close friends who know certain facets of me, and they've been great support over the years … it's almost like each one has a certain quality of my mother, you know? And I really don't know what I'd do without the love and friendship and strength they've offered over the years.

 

my oldest sister has kind of stepped into Mama's shoes since her death, and while I appreciate her desire to try to hold this family together, I've seen the toll it's taken on her, and up until now, I don't think she had a true understanding (or respect) of what our mom had to deal with as the parent of six very different and very single-minded (read: stubborn) children. However, she had some kind of special grace to cope with this, while I am seeing it taking it's toll physically on my sister. I guess you could say that she just loves too hard, and she tries too hard ...

 

I really don't know what to say to you, Hoke, because I've read of some of the trials you've been through. I do know this, though: You will find a true friend in the least place you expect, at a time you need him/her the most.

 

hugs,

quank

[Angel1111]

I'm sorry you are so alone, Hokey. That is not an easy life.

 

Speaking of HokeyReligions, I was disowned by the majority of my large family when I left the religion I had grown up in since I was 8. I was 26 when I left it. The only real connection I had with my family then was an older sister who had also left the religion, and my parents who never could fully disown me - even though that was the religion's rules.

 

Both of my parents died a few yrs ago and that pretty much broke any lifeline I had to that part of my family. I have two sisters and they're married with 6 kids between them. I never see them. My sister who left the religion is my closest family member and she and I are very close. She has a grown son and grandkids, and I have a son. I miss the big family I grew up in and I resent what their religion did to my life. I do have several friends who would be there in a heartbeat for me. And my son's family from his dad's side love me very much and don't really care that I divorced my son's dad. They are kind of like my replacement family.

 

But as far as feeling connected to anyone right now, I really don't. I think it's mostly because the last romantic relationship I was in was such a blow that I just don't have the heart to step outside of myself right now.

[porter218]

I have a very large family that is very close nit. We all stay in contact with each other and not many secrets are kept(at least not amongst the family). I am from a family of 7 and my four aunts and uncles on my moms side have just as many in their families. This is what keeps me grounded and happy. I can talk to my mom or dad about anything that is bothering me and my mom will confide in at least 2 of her sisters(sometimes all 3 of her sisters and 1 brother) about the issue at hand and everyone steps in with solutions as a team. My brothers and sister all communicate regularly when we are going through rough times, and never hesitate to lean on each other for a sense of balance. And the great thing is that no subject is 'taboo' in my family. I don't know what I would do without them. I also have some very close friends that have all integrated into my family support system. My friends(even though spread all over the world) maintain some contact with my family and always with me. I don't have but a handful of people I call my friends but they all are people that would do anything for me if I needed it. The kind of support my friends are good at is making me forget about my problems. When going through a breakup or a traumatic time, I usually travel around the country/world to spend time with them. It doesn't hurt that they all have spread out to trendy vacation spots:D.

[quankanne]

my mom will confide in at least 2 of her sisters(sometimes all 3 of her sisters and 1 brother) about the issue at hand and everyone steps in with solutions as a team. My brothers and sister all communicate regularly when we are going through rough times, and never hesitate to lean on each other for a sense of balance.

 

this is really quite a fascinating dynamic, and unless you come from a big family, it's hard to understand. I mean, I'm one of six kids, my dad is one of 13 and mom one of five, so I've got a huge family. And it's not unusual for at least a good handful of family members to know what's going on in a specific person's life. And it's cool, because it means support. However, I've got a niece (one of two kids) who just goes nuts because she thinks everyone is getting into her personal business. Well ... to a degree yes, but I think she completely overlooks the support system that comes with a big, nosy family, and right about now, she really could use it, instead of detaching herself from everyone when she needs us most.

[porter218]

My family are stupid idiots I have no support system and never have,.

Sorry Max, I now understand the reason behind your other posts. Maybe you need to seek out some quality friends to fill that void. I really am sorry.

[Desperado620]

Hokey, I thought I had a very good familal support structure until I got married. They don't like my H much (for whatever stupid reason) and since we tied the knot they've been uber distant. I can still talk to my sister, but I don't rely on her for anything I wouldn't take to my Mom. If sis knows, Mom knows, and I don't always want Mom to know. It's strange, how things can change between you and your parents when you grow up. I always relied on them to help make decisions, and thought I could depend on them to give me sound advice. I guess I've changed more than I thought, because they don't seem to know me now. My in-laws will listen any time I want to talk, and I would trust my father-in-law to get me out of any bind I was in. He's a good guy. I see where my H gets it from.

 

In short, Hokey, all I have to do is make a call and ask... or just start talking.

[whichwayisup]

Hokey, you're one the strongest and most independant people I know (even it's online) and I am sorry that you don't have a support system - Though I do hope you and your husband somehow can reconnect again.

 

How many of you really do have a family support system? How does it work for you? How do you give support? How do you ask for it?

 

Even though my mom and I have our issues, she has been there for me most of the time, if my dad were still alive, he'd be there too ofcourse. I feel lucky, my family is close and I have a good friendship with both my sister and brother, BIL too, (Not so much my SIL..) My H is wonderful.

 

I have a problem asking for help, usually its' others dragging it out of me. My bestfriend explained to me that I need to ask for help more often because it makes her feel needed. I look at it that way now and not in a negative way, like I'm weak if i ask for help or can't do something on my own. With the anxiety disorder I suffered from in the past, I DID learn to ask for help so it does come easier now if I need anything.

 

I don't say no to my friends, family, neighbours. It's too much and I need to learn to say no more often and stop putting others first. Just the way I am, a giver, not a taker.

[CandyGirlXO]

HR-

 

You are so strong! I know it's hard but that is great that you are so independent. I am glad I found this thread, because I have been feeling the sameway.

 

My real father was abusive, and broke my mother's back. His family is racist, and since my mom is from South America they don't consider me part of the family. I don't talk to any of them including my dad.

 

Since my mom has a broken back... she has a drug addiction to pain killers, so she is slowly killing herself. I love her but I feel like her mother. No support there. I have 2 awesome brothers. But one got married, moved away and basically disowned my crazy family. My other brother is great but is an alcoholic and when I have TRIED to go to him for support he has an attitude of what is crying going to do, GET OVER IT! So I can't go to him.

 

My Mom's side are not really there since they all live far away, and since my grandma died 12 years ago we have all fallen apart. I am ashamed to say that I stayed with an abusive BF because I felt like he was all I had!

 

I have a few close friends, but they have their own lives and I don't want to burden them with my issues. I am 25 and have absolutely no one to help me if I am in a financial bind. My step-dad is also addicted to pain killers and he is a lazy POS who needs to be a man and support his wife.

 

So I also feel all alone. I miss my family when we shared holidays together, that is the worst for me. I spend holidays by myself. I am so jealous of my friends when they are with family and they invite me, but it's not the same.

[security]

i have just realized that i dont have a support system, i am 24 years old, had an abusive mom, and went to college to get away from her. thing is i thought that even tho my mom was mean or crazy, that maybe somewhere she actually did care for me. turns out she never did. she makes a big deal like she does abd she says "u can always call me if you need anything, but the minute i did, she didnt want to help. i just cant understand why she lied to me. i've always known she treated me like she treats people in the street, not like her daughter, but i had no idea how far her uncaring nature went. i often wonder why she had kids, she doesnt seem like she wanted them. it is hard and lonely and now i have to deal with the pain of my past and the disappointments of my present and my future. if i had only realized that my mom really did give a damn about me, i would have adjusted my life accordingly, i wouldnt have let myself feel lke a failure, for not living up to her expectations, which would never have happend anyway, because i would never have been good enough for her. maybe i would be a much different person today. i have no freinds or family here and i hate the city i live in, i feel so different from everyone else, like they think i'm not worth their time. i have been put down and stepped on at crappy jobs that i have to take. i really dont want to go home to see my mom or brothers for the holidays, they dont cae about me. my aunt is the same way helped raise me helped abuse me too.

[vintagecat]

Our family is strewn across thousands of miles and we aren't that close. Plus my parent's generation had a falling out over an inheritance a number of years ago so certain members don't speak to other members and it's just stupid but that has also affected how we relate as a larger family. It's been eons since I've seen my cousins and I really like some of them but everyone has their loyalties and so it continues. It's most unfortunate.

 

So no, there is no real support from my family, some contact from time to time but that's about it. My husbands family though well meaning is odd. They keep in even less contact and my husband was raised to be highly self sufficient. In fact in his few stories of his childhood his trio of friends figure far more highly than his parents or sister. His older brother gets an honorable mention in some of those stories but it's been at least several years since they've spoken on the phone and we've never met his wife of 15 years.

 

As for friends, most of my old and closest friends are living thousands of miles away. Several I have lost touch with, the others I don't see that often and those friendships while pleasant are essentially nostalgic in nature. Of course my husband and I are best friends but I think it's hard to make new and anything beyond superficial adult friends as you get older. Life and the daily grind intrudes and very few people have an opening or time and energy for newly acquired bosom friends. Most people barely have time to make another seat at cards once a week.

 

I guess one has to find support where it may be. One reason for the popularity of these forums.

 

As for your marriage, is there any way to pump some life back into it or is it too late? That seems like at least one at least possible source of friendship for you but I don't have all the details.

 

Good luck to you.