Why does she keep snooping??? Porn and other woman

[stone22]

My wife and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3. Our relationship up until we got married, (and for a about a year afterwards) was absolutely brilliant. I enjoyed spending time with her. A year into our marriage, however, things started to head south.

 

I, as hard as it is to admit, look at porn. I had done so for a few years regularly before my wife and I got married. I continued to so into our marriage until my wife discovered how to look at the history in the computer. (I have a feeling that maybe some raunchy pops ups caught her eye and prompted her to look into it further). She flipped. I mean FLIPPED OUT!! She was devistated. She threated a a divorce, threatened to move out and what have you.

 

Now there is more to this story, but I do have to add- I don't see this as THAT big of a deal. I can see how she might be hurt a little, but porn is not a personal thing. At least for me it isn't. I could see that some guys would take it a little far, BUT-- i know there are males out there that will agree with me it is nothing to get THIS upset about. Further more- she braggs to her friends about how good our sex life is. (No I'm not making that up)

 

Now- the part where I goof up. I promised her that I would not look at the porn any more. It sounded like a promise that I could keep at the time, but I turned out to be wrong. One day I was bored and thought to myself, "hmmm....." And guess what? She caught me!! This time though, ( i know this sounds bad) i tried to cover my tracks. But she had the one up on me and called "our friend" to find out how to track me. Great. Again-- she flips out. This time, I understand a little more because I lied to her and said that I wouldn't do that anymore. But at the same time-- what the hell? She is now my cop?

 

Time goes on and the issue subsides. Inevitably a new problem developes. I start a new job and fall for a co-worker. This is brand new territory for me. The feelings that I developed for this girl were SO strong--the kind of feelings that bring you to your knees. I would have done anything for this girl, or at least it felt that way. In my mind I would constantly fantisize about her- but not in a sexual way. (?) Seriously. I am fully aware that I crossed the emotional line, but I did not cross the physical line. I never told her how I felt about her and she never told me. ( I do suspect that there was something there, but I will not know-- and shouldn't at this point). I am not the cheating type. I decided that I was not going to cheat on my wife and that all it was going to accomplish was pain on every party involved. Besides, who wants to start a relationship based on mis-trust? As it turns out our office got shut down and I have not seen the OW since that night. I honestly felt like my heart was broken.

 

As hard as I tried, I could not get the OW out of my mind. It was terrible, and still is. I even decided to seek counseling for it. While I was working things out in the docs office, I regularly wrote emails to myself trying to make sense of everything. This whole mental battle went on inside my head for nearly a year until it escalated when my wife found one of my emails to myself. (wow that sounds weird after I typed it!) The email pretty much summed up my feelings for the OW, what I thought they meant, and... gulp... what I would go through if I left my wife.

 

So--- yeah.... she flipped. And in all fairness, I would have too- as would anyone when they read something like that. When she confronted me about it, I admitted to everything and offered counseling for the two of us. While I was the perpetrator, there was something that I was missing in our marraige. The trick is figuring out what that something actually is.

 

So as time goes on- I still have these feelings for the OW, whether or not I want to. (And no, I cannot decide if I want them or not) As a result of this ongoing battle, I find myself searching for this woman online at one of the popular social networking sites that I am part of. I look at her photos just to ease the pain.

 

I do not search for her online very often. Mainly because I know that it is not good and that it is only clouding my judgment. But-- with my wifes developed ability to track me online, and with her new found emotional motive, she is now the online super cop! She has caught me almost every single time. It has gotten so bad now that everytime she is on the computer she is checking up on me.

 

So my question is-- I obviously have somethings to work through and figure out, but holy s%$t! Is it normal to have a wife that tracks me down like this? I know that I have given her a reason to, but the fact that she is NOT understanding and the fact that she over reacts to the smallest things (no I am not talking about porn or the OW) causes me to want to hide these things.

 

Thoughts? No neo-christian conservative replies please. Only people who realize that people are human.

 

Thanks.

[whichwayisup]

Yes it is. Your wife has no trust left in you and the fact is, even though she's checking up on you continually, you're giving her reason to! You have to be an open book in every way possible. You have nothing to hide, then it shouldn't matter what she sees when she checks up on you..

 

Fact is, until you decide once and for all to let go of what you feel for the OW, this IS going to be a problem.

 

Start spending time with your wife! Focus that energy into her and making her feel loved and desired. She is hurting badly and yeah, you didn't have a physical affair, but an emotional affair can do just as much damage. Your wife more than likely thinks that you don't love or want her emotionally and sexually - Hense you turning to porn and seeking out friendship with the other woman.

[porter218]

So my question is-- I obviously have somethings to work through and figure out, but holy s%$t! Is it normal to have a wife that tracks me down like this? I know that I have given her a reason to, but the fact that she is NOT understanding and the fact that she over reacts to the smallest things (no I am not talking about porn or the OW) causes me to want to hide these things.

 

.

You have lied to her and kept stuff hidden. Of coarse she is going to keep an eye on you! And she has every right to. This situation is not fair for her, and I think you should consider a trial separation. And as far as the porn goes, why didn't you ever tell her about it before you married her?? Do you realize that maybe she wouldn't have wanted to waste 10 years with you if she had known. She is probably really torn apart by all the stuff that she has found out since she married you, and feels like you tricked her into marrying you.

[Cheshire Cat]

Is it normal to have a wife that tracks me down like this?

 

I dare say it is, since

 

I know that I have given her a reason to

(make it plenty of reasons to).

 

but the fact that she is NOT understanding

 

What do you think she should do to show you that she is understanding?

I'd find it expecially difficult to be understanding of someone who broke my trust repeteadly and

 

and the fact that she over reacts to the smallest things (no I am not talking about porn or the OW) causes me to want to hide these things.

 

used my "overreactions" as an excuse to hide things, expecially if he is not a kid anymore.

 

The only advice i could think of is to either stop checking out the OW or letting your W to know whenever you search for her online.

[annieo]

I had to read your post this twice, to absorb the ridiculousness of your title question, "Why is she snooping?" Are you kidding? She's snooping because you have been lying to her. She's snooping because she wants to know who she is REALLY married to, since you won't be straight with her.

 

If you now start telling her everything, which you have to do now if you want any chance of regaining her trust, then her subsequent snooping will prove you to be (finally) honest and aboveboard. And eventually, she might relax a little and slow down/stop. Or not. Once the trust is gone, it never comes back 100%.

 

But since you are still hung up on OW, I think you should be trying to deal with that dilemma, instead of getting irritated at you wife for doing what any woman I know would do. Sheesh !!!

[carhill]

OP...

 

Porn.... by itself, a personal choice. In a relationship, another person's feelings should be considered. General rule of thumb is porn shouldn't compromise the intimate R between the parites. If you want your porn more discreet, one word: Usenet

 

OW.... validate your feelings. Don't deny them. You can accept your feelings and still alter your behaviors. Interesting things, behaviors are. They are what others experience in us, as well as one defining factor of how we perceive our interaction with the world. So, with that in mind, it's OK to have feelings of love for the OW; your behavior, as a married man, should be to put your wife ahead of everyone else in your life. Practice that behavior. Even if wife is a PITA right now. I think, if you still have any love for your wife, and practice this behavior sincerely, you'll find, more quickly than you can imagine, that your essential feelings will evolve.

 

Since you attended counseling, where are you with that? I didn't start getting clarity until about three months in, and it took six to start making any meaningful behavioral changes. The most marked changes have taken place recently, during months eight to ten. I'm really getting clarity now.

 

I won't presume to understand why your wife snoops. My first guess is because she still loves you. I stopped "snooping" (for lack of a better word) on my wife (issues not pertinent to cheating) when I emotionally detached from her. I simply didn't care any more. Your wife still cares, IMO. Get moving...

[Lonestar]

You shouldn't have made a promise you couldn't keep. You lied and now you have to deal with losing your wife's trust. That's so sad, because most likely, she'll never trust you again. Once a liar, always a liar.

 

Maybe you should cut your wife loose, so she can find a real man that will be honest with her. Sorry. Truth hurts, but at least I'm not a liar.

[Angel1111]

Whether it's true or not, women think that men look at porn because the woman they're with is not enough for them and that they would be with women like that if they had the chance. She is also mentally reviewing her whole sex life with you and wondering which playgirl you were fantasizing about while you were with her. In other words, she's trying to figure out what has been real and what has been a fantasy going on inside your head during all that 'great sex'.

 

I think everyone else has said it - she's spying on you because you have betrayed her and have proven you can't be trusted. Whether you think porn is significant or not, it is significant to her and you can't diminish her feelings about it just because you don't think it's important.

 

The only question I have is, what is holding this marriage together and why are you still there? If you're not fantasizing about porn stars, you're fantasizing about the OW. So far, your heart has not appeared to be in this marriage from the beginning, and it still seems to be that way.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, I find it surprising that she hasn't left you already. Not to say that you're at fault or that she is, but the two of you do not seem to share genuine love. I may be wrong but that's the way it looks from where I'm standing.

[whichwayisup]

I have a question.

 

When was the last time you spent one on one time with your wife? Told her you loved her, that she made you feel good? When was the last time you just leaned over and kissed your wife for no reason? Or held her hand, cuddled up to her while watching TV.

 

When was the last time you wooed her, brought her home flowers? Made her laugh?

[luvstarved]

I don't have any advice for you but do wonder if you are my H because you just laid out a lot of what happened between us. Only difference is, he used porn only during our long sexless phase (which was the only reason I was HYPER about it, although I don't really ADMIRE porn use in general), and that I never got the goods on him with feelings for an OW but am pretty sure they were there...

 

Anyway your post I think is insightful for me because I could imagine my H writing it. You very well illustrate the utter lack of empathy that goes along with such rationalizations and indignancy...

 

Dude, you can't portray yourself as something you are not, lie and invest your emotions into someone other than your wife and expect your wife to understand. "Yeah I was wrong but..." You need to stop after the word "wrong" and ponder that for a while.

 

Then...but what? Now she does not trust you? Now she is overreacting because you sought sexual and emotional satisfaction elsewhere behind her back? And if you are like my H, then all the while you were telling her you loved her and were happy with her...

 

Yes - you are human. Your feelings and desires may be "normal" but your behavior has been dishonest and disrespectful. Your wife's behavior seems completely normal...although as I would try to tell myself (I also check up on my H and and am trying not to as it only aggravates), her time would probably be spent better on things that made her happy instead of things that made her fester.

 

Do you want to be married to her or not? If the OW wrote you a letter saying she loved you and asked you to leave your wife, would you consider it? If the answer is maybe or yes, then any excuse you have to stay in the marriage is entirely selfish, and ANYBODY deserves better than to be so conditionally tolerated. Think about that.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wonder what your reaction would be if you'd found an email from your W declared her love and passion and laying out her post-marital plans with another man ? Most spouses would get kicked to the curb but you did not. What exactly is your W supposed to be understanding about?

 

Mr. Lucky

[MichelleS1983]

Quite honestly, I think your wife's ridiculous reaction to your occasional viewing of porn was over the top. Fine - she doesn't like porn? She doesn't have to look at it. But just because she finds it an abomination shouldn't automatically mean that you're no longer 'allowed' to do something you've probably done all your life. I think her reaction was over the top and it caused you to set an unrealistic goal by promising to 'never look at it again.'

 

You should have stood up for yourself on that one. Instead, you folded like a house of cards and gave in.

 

Look, whether women want to admit it or not, men are visual creatures. They ARE. They use porn as a visual stimulant. They DO. Your wife is ridiculous if she thinks she's the only woman you're EVER going to fantasize about. She's setting herself up for an unrealistic fall from grace if she thinks she can control your mind. Women like that irritate me to no end.

 

As far as your infactuation with your co-worker, it's no more than an infactuation. I don't know where it's coming from and I don't know how to make it go away. While your wife was way over the top about your occasional viewing of porn, she IS justified in her snooping on you about THIS situation since you insist on acting like a 15 year old high school boy with a hormonal crush on a Senior or something.

 

You remind me of Walter Mitty - he was a fictional character that led a hum-drum life but in his fantasies, he was always something wonderful and world-renowned for his accomplishments. That's what your crush seems like to me - some kind of fantasy world that you slip into to escape reality.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Neo-christians conservatives? What are those? Now if you are talking about Christians who are going to tell you are wrong for looking at porn and willingly letting your mind linger on another woman as a love interest... What the heck you think those who aren't Christians going to tell you?

 

Like you said, porn is a personal choice. To flirt is a personal choice. To keep things from your wife is a personal choice. There are a lot of people who are going to tell you are doing the right thing, there are going to be a lot of people who are going to tell you that you are doing the wrong thing. All they are stating are THEIR personal choices. This is not a "neo-christian conservative's" realm, but a mankind's realm. And if anything, many "neo-christian conservatives" understand even MORE so about the human condition that non-neo-christian conservatives. The question you should ask yourself then if you REALLY want a truthful answer, "Are you hear to look for one or are you just here for someone to kiss your booboo?"

 

And no I am not a neo-christian conservative. I am a human who is a Christian, trying to find a better way to make it through this world and onto the next. I am just as flawed as everyone else here. I am just striving to become better.

 

Onto your situation...

 

While yes porn is a personal choice, like a previous poster said (sorry I didn't have time to look up your handle), your personal choices become those of your wife's as her's becomes your's. While you do have a perspective that she needs to look at, it is not one sided, you need to be taking her opinions into consideration. You each need to sit down and conversate about you all's views on porn (and everything else of importance if your not doing so already). Find out why is it an issue for her. Let her know why it isn't an issue for you.

 

You made a promise to a woman OP. Don't you know that is like telling something to a tape recorder? Tape recorders don't record the intent behind the words, but the words themselves. Many people that are looking for a change in a person (especially spouses) are at the intent behind your words, they are looking at the literal part. The parts they could, for lack of better idea and word, legally bind you on. Once you told your wife anymore, to that as "ANYMORE."

 

And now you and this dream lover. How do you think a lot of extra-marital affairs start (emotional and physical)? They start by entertaining stray thoughts. We don't do what is wrong at the spur of a moment. Its not like we just wake up lying, no, we think about what we are going to do first. The same with affairs. People just don't pop into them, they train their brain to do so and eventually the body is going to get tired of the mind teasing it and it is going to convence the mind to go for it. This is why flirting and marriage is NOT a smart way to really keep things going.

 

You should of been at least honest with your wife when you started seeking counseling for it. That was another time she needed to be in the loop. And this is what so many relationships have problems at, either one or both aren't opening up. They are working too much on their own and that is not what marriage is about. It is about letting that person in so they can know of you and become more of you and you wanting to know more of them and become more of them. This is what is meant by becoming one mind, one body, one spirit. You should be like one being. People should see and deal with you through her and people should deal and see her in you.

 

Your wife very much so has earned the right to snoop and to be mad at you. You are not being open and honest to her. And the scary part is that your not being open and honest with yourself. And that is the ultimate problem here. Not the porn and not the infatuation, but your not being away of your strengths and weaknesses. But, your wife is clearly seeing them, just like I know you are clearly seeing her's. But, now, what do you do to work together on this? How do you rebuild the honesty and trust to yourself and with her?

 

1) Really think about why porn in the marriage? Is it used as an sex aid or is it used as entertainment for yourself?

2) What has bored me about my wife that another woman has to bring me to a shrink in order to fight my feelings? Is this something that is linked to my porn usage? Is it something that happened with my family?

3) Why is it I need to hide these things from my wife? If it is an inability to communicate with her, find a reliable referee to sit with you two as you discuss sensitive things that you think she would blow up at you about.

4) When was the last time you took a weekend to just focus on you, her, and what it is to be married? Look for local couples get aways that have curriculums designed towards working on couples from the inside out.

5) Really think about some of the ideals and teachings of "neo-christian conservatives" there are some good food for thought. If your not too afraid of realizing they see a lot more than you are willing to admit. They don't just deal with the outside and physical, but also the internal where all true issues lie.

 

 

DNR

Good luck with your search for answers and I pray that you can multiply your marriage years by 20.

[beachbaby]

I will tell you. She will look and it will not go away for a long time...not sure ever from my experience. Once trust issues are broken, even when you prove over and over you have nothing to hide...she will continue to check on you. That is the nature of feeling "betrayed".

I admire you for not taking the next physical step with the OW but you still have an emotional bond to her that is very hard to break and can be worse than the physical.

As far as porn...it turns my belly. I believe my hubby to be into it and just hasn't gotten caught yet. I guess I think that human interaction should be enough.

I wish you the best and IF YOU WANT IT TO WORK with your wife, porn gotta really stop, get the OW out of your head by being busy with other things and get to a point of accepting the looking over your shoulder.

[2sure]

Just think how happy your wife would be when she checks up on you and there is nothing there to concern her. Only then can you start to rebuild her trust. YOU have to stop first, the point is you cant have it both ways. Also, you state your wife found emails you wrote to yourself, as a kind of therapy. I wonder if these theraputic emails were addressed to the OW?

[Jersey Shortie]

I, as hard as it is to admit, look at porn. I had done so for a few years regularly before my wife and I got married. I continued to so into our marriage until my wife discovered how to look at the history in the computer. (I have a feeling that maybe some raunchy pops ups caught her eye and prompted her to look into it further). She flipped. I mean FLIPPED OUT!! She was devistated. She threated a a divorce, threatened to move out and what have you.

 

For many women, when they learn their loved one has been looking at porn in tandem with their real life relationship with them, it can *feel* just as bad as cheating. Whether it techniqually is or isn't is debatable. But what isn't debatable is how your actions made her feel.

 

 

Now there is more to this story, but I do have to add- I don't see this as THAT big of a deal. I can see how she might be hurt a little, but porn is not a personal thing. At least for me it isn't. I could see that some guys would take it a little far, BUT-- i know there are males out there that will agree with me it is nothing to get THIS upset about. Further more- she braggs to her friends about how good our sex life is. (No I'm not making that up)

 

Okay, *to you* porn isn' ta big deal. that doesn't mean it isn't a big deal period. Obviously, by her reaction, it is a big deal and your actions made her feel less important to you and less secure in where your relationship is.

 

All men say that they do not use porn "out of controlly". It is rare to hear a man admit he uses to much porn. You, yourself said it was hard to say even here that you view porn. I tend to think men downplay their porn use to less then it really is.

 

The fact that alot of other males mean that it's nothing to get upset about, doesn't mean they are right.. or wrong for that matter. Any more then your wife is right or wrong for being so upset at your porn use. I think you really need to strive to be open and understanding of your wife.

 

 

I honestly felt like my heart was broken.

 

Then you can understand how your wife feels right now as well. You apparently arne't the only broken hearted party in this.

 

The email pretty much summed up my feelings for the OW, what I thought they meant, and... gulp... what I would go through if I left my wife.

 

So--- yeah.... she flipped. And in all fairness, I would have too- as would anyone when they read something like that. When she confronted me about it, I admitted to everything and offered counseling for the two of us. While I was the perpetrator, there was something that I was missing in our marraige. The trick is figuring out what that something actually is.

 

 

Apparently, you aren't the only one missing something in your marriage as it seems that your wife had a spouse missing in action as well.

 

 

 

I do not search for her online very often. Mainly because I know that it is not good and that it is only clouding my judgment. But-- with my wifes developed ability to track me online, and with her new found emotional motive, she is now the online super cop! She has caught me almost every single time. It has gotten so bad now that everytime she is on the computer she is checking up on me.

 

She is naturally threatened and insecure about the state of your attentions and relationship. You can't honestly expect her to not be concerned after the type of behavior you illustrated.

 

So my question is-- I obviously have somethings to work through and figure out, but holy s%$t! Is it normal to have a wife that tracks me down like this?

 

Yes.

 

------------------------------------------------------

Whether it's true or not, women think that men look at porn because the woman they're with is not enough for them and that they would be with women like that if they had the chance. She is also mentally reviewing her whole sex life with you and wondering which playgirl you were fantasizing about while you were with her. In other words, she's trying to figure out what has been real and what has been a fantasy going on inside your head during all that 'great sex'.

 

110% agree! I don't think men understand how women can feel like so much less because of porn. There are things women can do that make men feel emasculated. Well guys, there are things men sometimes can do that make women feel like less then real women. Is that what men want to do? Make women feel like less?

 

Look, whether women want to admit it or not, men are visual creatures. They ARE. They use porn as a visual stimulant. They DO. Your wife is ridiculous if she thinks she's the only woman you're EVER going to fantasize about. She's setting herself up for an unrealistic fall from grace if she thinks she can control your mind. Women like that irritate me to no end.[/

 

And I think its equally unrealistic to expect a woman to not feel bothered and hurt by her man's interested, sexual or otherwise, in another woman. Women and men like that irriate me to no end. Because it's just as unrealistic as expecting them to never be attracted to someone ever again.

 

Neo-christians conservatives? What are those?

 

Who knows. But I think people think that when you put "neo" infront of anything, it makes it sound more intellectual.

[stone22]

I did not expect to get this much insight on this topic. Thank you to all who have taken the time to read and respond!

 

Neo-christian conservative--- The reason I put this in here was I didn't want anyone who was an over-the-top christian to respond with bible passages and tell me that I should not be having these feelings because GOD wouldn't want me to. Of course I know that these feelings are damaging! It's not like I wanted to have these feelings. It has made me so sick over the past year and a half. The fact is that I do have these feelings and I have not learned how to control them. How can anyone say that my feelings are any less important than my wifes? Or anyone elses for that matter? They are MY feelings. I am trying so hard to understand them and the root of them. It is quite possible that a severely mentally ill/abusive mother and father who had a dangerous lack of empathy may play into it a bit. Just a little...

 

What many may find quite ironic is that my father was a Pastor for 17 years. I have seen so much hypocrisy it would make your head spin. Not so much on his part as that of those in the church (teachers abusing kids, laymen saying that's how you're suppose to handle kids). Yes- before someone makes the point- things like that are normal (hypocrisy)in a church AND my specific incidents were somewhat isolated. But--- more and more I get the impression that people SUPRESS emotions or IGNOR them becaue they have been told by their pastor or their teacher or their parents or even society that they are WRONG. What's more is that those people that typically like to preach about topics like this most often have not been through this and really have no idea what people like me are going through. (This actually applies to most people, overly-religious people just think they are more justified because they read the bible.) So really--- who is the one that is in DENIAL?

 

I will not go so far as to say that MY feelings were WRONG. I will admit that the way that I handled my feelings were wrong. Reading some of the feedback from some of you, I do now realize how insensitive I was to my wife's feelings, and that my lack of parenting as I grew up plays into this quite a bit. YES there is a lack of communication on some level, yes I do understand a little bit more why she was upset.

 

I had been lacking something in our marraige. I have not quite been able to put my finger on it. NO- I did not actively seek this other woman out. The feelings just happened. I thought that they would just go away after awhile. When they didn't, I sought counseling. I didn't want to feel like that. I felt so sick to my stomache about this.

 

In answer to someones question on whether or not I would leave my wife if OW asked me to-- absolutely not. The only reason I would ever leave my wife would be away from a situation like this and AFTER we made the attempt to repair the damage. I know that I would not be solving a damn thing if I went from one ailing relationship into another that was built on such unstable ground.

 

The communication between my wife and I, believe it or not, is very open. Yes there are many things that I keep to myself- but everything that I have shared in this post I have talked with her about to GREAT length. We spend hours talking about this. When we fight, it is remarkably civil. There is no name calling, and no put downs. I do respect her as a person. I am starting to realize that my lying is really an issue that is far more rooted than my relationship with my wife. I have told her that I loved her (and yes I do mean it). We took a 4 day weekend 3 weeks ago and went away.

 

I realize that I have to work at this. She is now realizing the she has to work at this as well and that she is not perfect. She has tried several times to leave, but I stopped her. She can't give up. I can't give up. I know for a fact that if the two of us threw in the towel we would look back on that moment 5 years from now and say, "damn it, I wish we would have at least tried."

[Tomcat33]

All men say that they do not use porn "out of controlly". It is rare to hear a man admit he uses to much porn.

 

I disagree most men don't say that and if they did they would say:

"my porny use is not out of controlly" :lmao:

 

 

Sorry I couldn't resist. I know it's juvenile but I just laughed so hard when I read that. Please carry on.

 

 

Stone can I ask you something?

 

You use porn on a regular basis and you developed feelings for another woman that were not even sexual ones which means you have images to satisfy your sexual needs and a woman at your work who also satisfies your emotional needs, and all this happens in your head. According to ou, what role does your W play in your fantasy world and moreso in your real world? Or better yet what is this need for all this fantasy, is there something you are leaving out that is affecting your day to day life that you yearn for all this fantasy or have you always just had an active imagination?

[lovestruck818]

The porn thing I would not have a problem with. My boyfriend looks at porn, I don't really care too much. The bottom line is that you guys have to trust eachother. Snooping is wrong on so many levels...and if one or both partners feels there is a reason to snoop, there are obviously trust issues in the relationship.

 

As far as this woman at work, I am sorry but you are married, you should have not gone there. People (like me for one) would die to get married, would die to find someone who thinks they are so great that they want to spend the rest of their lives with them...and then there are people who abuse that privilege. It is truly a privilege. I could see why your wife would not be able to trust you.

 

Both of you are in the wrong on this. No one's perfect, I realise this, but a marriage is a partnership and you need to work together and talk about things instead of going behind eachother'a back.

 

Goddamit, I should be f'n married...

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Just to give a little something to think about... How many people have told you that your behavior was wrong and are not Christians? So, what's the difference?

 

In closing, I do hope things work out for you and your wife. You stay strong and patience. And God bless.

 

 

DNR

[stone22]

I am still laughing as I type this!! Porny... HA!!

 

 

 

That is an interesting point. I never made that correlation. I guess you are right- it is a full blown fantasy. What is the need for fantasy-- wow-- good question. Active imagination--- another good question. It's hard to quantify "overactive".

 

My wife and I get along very well, even with all of this going on. We still joke together and dream about how we are going to upgrade out place. We do have satisfying sex. I specifically ask her too, partly out of ego- but mostly because I want her to be satisfied.

 

So what role does she play? WOW-- good question. Really good friend with really good benefits?

 

Oh boy...

[lovestruck818]

Just to give a little something to think about... How many people have told you that your behavior was wrong and are not Christians? So, what's the difference?

 

In closing, I do hope things work out for you and your wife. You stay strong and patience. And God bless.

 

 

DNR

 

me...for one, I'm a jew so...

 

go ahead, jew-bash me and I'll bop you on the head!

[Tomcat33]

On your Neo-Christian conservative comment Stone:

 

I understand. It's not about not wanting to be guided someone in the right path but I can TOTALLY see where you are coming from. Neo-Christian conservatives have this uncanny nack for getting under people's skin and grating your last nerve so that you lose complete interst in their message because you can only focus on how irritating they are.

 

So I can see why you want none of that here. Most people want none of that really....

[lovestruck818]

On your Neo-Christian conservative comment Stone:

 

I understand. It's not about not wanting to be guided someone in the right path but I can TOTALLY see where you are coming from. Neo-Christian conservatives have this uncanny nack for getting under people's skin and grating your last nerve so that you lose complete interst in their message because you can only focus on how irritating they are.

 

So I can see why you want none of that here. Most people want none of that really....

 

do you have a problem with people who are not christian?

[Tomcat33]

I am still laughing as I type this!! Porny... HA!!

 

 

 

That is an interesting point. I never made that correlation. I guess you are right- it is a full blown fantasy. What is the need for fantasy-- wow-- good question. Active imagination--- another good question. It's hard to quantify "overactive".

 

My wife and I get along very well, even with all of this going on. We still joke together and dream about how we are going to upgrade out place. We do have satisfying sex. I specifically ask her too, partly out of ego- but mostly because I want her to be satisfied.

 

So what role does she play? WOW-- good question. Really good friend with really good benefits?

 

Oh boy...

 

Glad that made you laugh too and I am not the only "imbecil" here...hehe;):laugh:

 

Ok GREAT so now you are thinking, you need to think beyond the elements that face you to really get to the bottom of this pattern of yours. There is always a source to all of our behaviours.

 

In reading about your religious past I can peice some things together in terms of this tendency to secrecy you have. But it is too soon to tell, I would not want to make assumptions just based on that so I will keep my thoughts quiet for now.

 

 

In both cases fantasy is replacing the role of your spouse almost entirely, had you been able to see this at all? But then you say she is a really good friend with really good benefits. So we are sort of back to square one again because it is not like your fantasy is taking away from your relationship to your W. Or is it? If you were looking from the outside in what you see in terms of how your marriage is?