Is there such a thing as a "Functional" Coke Addict?

[jleslieh]

I struggle with doubts about my 6 year relationship with the most wonderful man I've ever met. We're both in our mid-40's and we've been on and off for all these years because I suspect he has a cocaine problem and when I confront him with it, he gets very upset and says he's tired of being accused of doing something he's not, when will I be able to trust him, etc.

 

In the beginning, we would party together on special occasions but after about the first year the subject didn't come up anymore. However, I'm sure it's continued with him because I've found it hiding in his house on numerous occasions. When confronted with the evidence in hand, he'll swear that had been there for years and he hasn't touched it since the last time we did it together. I am not stupid, although writing this makes me feel like a fool, and I end up coming home, getting on my laptop and spending so much time researching cocaine, trying to sort it out in my head because he just doesn't "fit" the description of a cocaine addict. He eats well, exercises, makes good money, keeps his home clean, takes care of his children when they are with him and treats me like a queen, for the most part. No lack of interest, no problems in the bedroom, depression, weight loss or inability to sleep. I know for a fact that he has a cocaine addiction, but since I only have the proof when I actually find some, I wonder if he's got this under control or if I'm looking at a lifetime of denial and lies.

 

He is very secretive, refuses to talk about his past, doesn't have any close friends although he is one of the most personable people you'll ever meet. Never meets a stranger. I've tried having heart-to-heart talks with him about this problem and explained to him that the lying and deception are more of a concern to me than if he uses coke on an occasional basis, I just want him to be honest with me about it (although I'm sure it's more often than not that he's using) to try to get him to 'fess up about it. Nothing works, we argue about it and we break up only to reconcile again.

 

I truly love him and believe that he loves me. We've been through so much together and at my age, I really don't look forward to starting over. He offers me so much and we get along so well. I have my own home (thank God) and do not fear being alone. I am financially independent and have plenty of wonderful people in my life. Why does this torment me so much?

 

We just returned yesterday from a week-long vacation together and I could tell that he was using the first few days, blowing his nose all the time, increase sex drive, bloody tissues in the wastebasket, etc. But I didn't say a word because I didn't want to "ruin" our trip. He would've denied it at all costs and we would've gotten nowhere with it. Funny thing is, after I suspected that he'd used it all up, his personality didn't change a bit. Same chipper guy as always. How can you be addicted to cocaine, and still function at such a successful level? I just need to vent this. I have talked to a few of my closest friends who acknowledge that he has a problem, but what a great guy he is, they say.

 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Especially from anyone who was a "functioning" closet cocaine addict. Thanks.

[joybean72]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in the same situation with my soon to be ex-husband and I can tell you that YES...they can be a functioning addict as you mentioned. I did not find out about my ex's habit until 6 months after we were married and I had dated him two years prior. He works in a high security job where he has security clearance & random drug testing, yet he got caught at the club I use to work by my freakin' co-workers no less! None of them could even believe it! They had given him two weeks to tell me...he did not. But when confronted, he admitted, apologized, etc. (Although, now that we are divorcing....it's deny, deny, deny. Like none of that even happened!) Come to find out after speaking to his other ex-wife, it has been ongoing for years and not only was he snorting it, he was shooting up as she would find needles. (That would explain the Hep C diagnosis that was discovered 6 months after finding out about the addiction!) Anyway, I'm starting to ramble on....but that is just my story. They will spend their whole life in denial if they are not willing to face the problem. It's all lies & cover ups as his own family doesn't even know and he's got them all fooled. Pretty slick! I am so sorry girl...I hope he gets the help he needs because it can only end badly. Just my thoughts.

[Prodigal Princess]

I know several functioning addicts. Two in their thirties, three in their forties, all with good jobs, families, friends etc. Most of these guys hide it from their wives because they know they can't use recreationally without being nagged about it.

 

I think the wives probably know what their husbands are up to, but turn a blind eye because it doesn't affect them or their families. All of these guys are loving husbands and fathers, they just like blowing off steam once a month or so. I think it's more common than a lot of people think.

 

What I don't like about your situation is that he continues to lie to you about his use even though you have confronted him several times (and you seem like a lovely, supportive and level-headed woman). It sounds like this is something that he just needs to keep to himself. He is probably ashamed about it but obviously there are parts of his life (eg his past) that he does not want you to know about. It doesn't sound like you have much choice but to respect this - it doesn't seem like you can force him to acknowledge his habit without irrepairably damaging the relationship.

 

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice for you. It's a crappy situation to be in. I think the deceit is worse than him using. Perhaps you can suggest once again partying together for an occasion thats coming up? It might break down the barriers so that coke isn't his dirty little secret anymore, but something he can enjoy with you. Or at least something that he no longer has to hide.

 

Ultimately, though, the point I guess I wanted to get across was that, although it is not ideal (!), it is possible for him to be live a happy life and be a loving partner while using coke - i.e. be a functioning addict. I know several.

[jleslieh]

Thanks so much for your advice. There are so many different angles to this that it makes my head spin. I've tried so many times, like during our recent vacation, to turn a blind eye on the situation, but for the life of me I can't seem to do it. I'm twice divorced and both relationships were deceptive and heartbreaking. I'm sure that's why I'm so freaked out about him being honest with me. His secretive nature about EVERYTHING makes me constantly feel suspicious and paranoid. This is the first relationship I allowed myself to get into since my second divorce over 15 years ago and I can't help but feel like I'm going to be hurt badly again. I don't think I can go through another major betrayal and desperately want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can trust and respect and someone who trusts and respects me. Granted, he spoils me with beautiful gifts, trips, etc. Is super romantic and attentive, but my gut feelings are that he does these things to keep me in the relationship and to keep me quiet.

 

I went to his house last night for dinner and afterward he said he was going to lay in bed and watch TV, it was around 8 pm--way early for him. I stayed in the living room and was having trouble with the remote and asked him if he could come see what was wrong. He was short and snippy with me and when I looked at his face, he had a white streak of cocaine on the side of his nose. I walked up to him and said "Well, what do we have here?" and took my finger and swiped it off and licked it and it was definitely cocaine. Can you believe he still denied it?! I told him that I knew he'd been doing it regularly and that I was tired of the deception. He tried to flip the script and proceeded to launch an assault against me and my "addictions", one being nicotine. He tried to say that I was the one with the coke problem and I was just trying to turn it onto him. Needless to say, I left. This is the third time that we've had this happen in the past month. Even when he's caught red-handed, he'll continue to deny, deny, deny.

 

Asking him to do it with me does not work. I've tried that and he looks at me like I'm crazy. He tells me "Honey, we don't need that stuff to have a good time. I don't like doing it." It blows my mind. I've never dealt with a drug addict in my life and I can't believe how much it affects me and my feelings of self-worth and hope for my future. I'm scared to death to invest any more time in this relationship. His ex-wife of 22 years warned me when I first started dating him that he was a liar and a cocaine addict. Silly me.

[2sunny]

well - his priority is obviously not you... it's the coke.

 

with that said - do you want to continue to be #2,3,4 or 5 on his priority list?

 

he doesn't want to share it with you because he wants it for himself - all the while hiding it from you because he knows if you knew the extent of his habit - you will be angry.

 

yes, you can function while using - people do it all the time.

 

when things don't add up or make sense - guess why? yep.

 

a user will lie - all the time.

 

question is - why are you pursuing this? what you are acknowledging as your relationship is a lie. always will be as long as he continues to use. the drug is his priority - not you.

[jleslieh]

I am not pursuing this relationship any more. After the other night and I left, it's been two days and I haven't heard a word from him. A few weeks ago, a similar situation happened and I told him to call me when he was ready to get real about what was going on and after 4 days of not hearing from him, I finally broke down and called him--which is way out of character for me. I explained to him that my feelings were hurt that he felt like he had absolutely nothing to say to me after what had happened and he said, "I didn't do anything wrong, so I didn't feel the need to explain anything to you." That crushed me that he could still be that adamant that there was nothing to discuss.

 

Believe it or not, for the past couple of years I've tried a different approach to this and tried really hard not to bring it up unless it was in my face. I've tried to be supportive and understanding and let him know how much I loved him and cared about his well-being. Hoping to soften him up, let him trust me.

 

I also used to confront him about his sexuality alot in the beginning of our relationship. I've even gone so far as to say that it's okay if he's gay or bi and that I would still be in his life, and that no one would fall off their chair in surprise if he admitted it. He's just too perfect in everything he does. I'd tease him by saying "you're so gay" after he did something and he would chuckle and dangle his hand like he couldn't deny it. I sometimes wonder if this is why he's so secretive about his life and his past and if that's why he abuses coke and alcohol.

 

I don't really want to throw this man completely out of my life because I do care so much about him. I wish me could remain in each other's lives somehow. I know he'll be alright because it doesn't take him long after we break up to find another girlfriend, but he'll just have to start the whole facade up with her. But then again, I guess that will be her problem, not mine. Anymore.

[julkat]

My ex-husband was a crack cocaine addict for 15 of our 20 years married. I honestly didn't know until two years ago. We have now been separated for one year. I didn't throw him about because of the drug use, I did it because of the lying.

 

My partner should be your best friend, not someone I can live with, but someone I don't want to live without. My husband loves cocaine far more than he loves himself or me. It's a very powerful addiction, and I feel so badly for him. But, I had to save myself.

 

You can't fight it, it's his fight, you can't change it, you can only decide what you want in your life. You wouldn't choose to have a liar and sneak in your life, so your only choice is to keep him out, at least until he has admitted his problem, sought treatment, and wants to make amends.

 

Until then, you can only experience terrible heartache from this situation.

 

Good luck.

[jleslieh]

Thanks, Julkat. I hate to hear that you lost a 20 year relationship because of this horrible stuff. I am still baffled that anyone would choose this lifestyle over the people who love them. It must've been very difficult to walk away after all that time, I know it's been difficult for me after only 6 years. And I feel like I've wasted 6 years of my life trying to get him to see what he was doing to himself and us. I think I've finally realized, for the last time, that there is absolutely nothing that I can do or say to change his addiction. I worry what will happen to him, if he'll spiral out of control with it or if he'll kick it once and for all. The fact that he absolutely refuses to even acknowledge that he's using makes me believe that he's got a long way to go before he'll do anything about it. He thinks his life is just fine the way it is and all I can do is pray for him and wish him the best. Thanks for sharing.

[Gala]

Jleslieh -

 

Your descriptions of this guy and his behavior suggest that he is hiding/struggling with bisexuality. There are so many stigma in our culture still that men really will hide this from themselves, and/or others. If this is the case, the coke is simply a problem that masks this one - and he's in denial about that. It just sounds like he's found ways to maintain the status quo, and he's not going to let go of those. I am glad to hear that you seem to be coming to terms with where he is and what it means to you.

[jleslieh]

It's going on 6 days since I last talked to him I am at peace with my decision to leave, but I can't help but being in disbelief that a man who called me 5-10 times a day and wanted to be with me every single day hasn't called me to at least say he's sorry, or what the hell is going on, or whatever. He's always been a little on the overly-communicating side, which has been a problem for us because I'm the kind of woman who needs a little "down time" and I'm struggling to understand why he hasn't called. I don't want him to call to try to get me back, I think I just want to think that I mattered enough that he would at the least try to explain his actions or...

 

I am making myself sick as I write this. Yuk, Yuk. Who have I become? I am an intelligent, independent woman who has raised two fabulous and successful children. I have always been unafraid to be alone and I'm really not understanding the feelings that I'm having through this loss. I think it's because I'm getting older and I realize that it's either be alone or get back out there and getting back out there scares the sh** out of me. I've been divorced for 15 years and am very set in my ways as far as needing time to myself, time with my girlfriends--days when I just want to sit in my favorite chair and read a book from cover to cover without interruption. I guess I was really hoping that this guy was the one that I could do all that with. He always said that I was the love of his life, that nothing was worth risking that, that I was beautiful, had a beautiful body and mind. I feel like a naive 15 year old. I feel like I've wasted so much precious time.

[2sunny]

he hasn't called because he doesn't want you asking him to quit. that's the bottom line... the coke is a bigger priority than you.

[jleslieh]

OUCH! Even though I already know that in my heart--damn! It hurts to face it. I've realized that I've known all these years, but had hoped, so desperately, that he would choose me. I'm just now feeling the grief after all these years. Realizing what truly is, has been the hardest thing yet. If I were to read my posts, I would've replied--"Drop the Loser" from the get-go. This has been a real eye-opening thing for me. Not only the situation, but talking to you guys. I am quite the homebody when I can be, and I really, really appreciate having someone, all you guys, to talk to. What a blessing in disguise this has been.

 

I love and accept myself as I am. I am trying to say this to myself everyday. My favorite cuz, who is also a struggling, successful woman, made me promise to say this to myself every day--whether I believed it or not. Love you cuz!

 

Next thing on my list--FIX ME!!

[jleslieh]

GALA, how can you tell if it's real or not? If he's bisexual or not, it's probably something he'll never admit. I've been more than supportive. I've even welcomed the thought of having a "gay boyfriend" because it took more of the pressure off of me and we had that kind of relationship that we were such good friends, had so much fun together that I just wanted him to be true to himself. Hell, I think we would've had a better relationship if he'd admitted he was gay. Granted, we had great sex. That's what would make me think that he was Bi, other than the fact that he'd love to have sex with me every day, I'd say he could very well be gay. A great gay, no less!! I'll never know, and he'll probably never admit to it, even to himself. So sad, such a waste. I am so angry with him right now, but I almost feel like I'm getting to know him, to understand him, a little bit better now. Thanks to this. It's like journaling... with feedback!! I love it and I'm grateful. Thanks.

[Gala]

It's hard to tell "for real," unless he comes clean with you. As to why he hasn't contacted you, he knows the gloves are off on your side and he is having to figure out how he's going to get along without you. That may involve more coke than usual...

 

What makes me think his sexuality is an issue - the way it popped up in your post, in the middle of what was already a lot of concern for you toward someone you loved. The "real" stuff tends to show up that way. The "over-communicator" you describe does fit a certain profile, but the not talking about his past is a larger red flag.

 

Yes, you are grieving: you are experiencing a loss. It doesn't mean that you don't know how to be alone.

 

Take care.

[The Collector]

Most of Hollywood, the music business, etc... though many are probably dysfunctional it's quite possible to lead a normal life and take cocaine regularly. I did for years. Glad I stopped though.

[jleslieh]

One week today and I still haven't heard from him. I'm used to these break-ups, but for some reason this one has really hit home with me. I'm realizing that I am not as important to him as he always made me believe that I am--and being the ultimate co-dependent person that I am, I always felt that he would eventually see the light and realize what was important to him. Obviously not me. Oh well. Like I said, I'm used to being alone and it's not such a struggle for me, however, I have quite a few of my personal belonging at his house and he has some here at my house, including each others' house keys. I figure I'll just text him in the next day or so and ask him to pack my stuff up and leave it on the porch and I'll go by and get it as well as dropping his things off. Done deal. I'm sure he's been hanging at his (or should I say, our) local watering hole and telling everyone that I've bolted once again. I could care less, really. Our "friends" there have always told me that he's not who he seems to be. His nick-name is "Hollywood" and I'm sure he got that name for a reason. They know me and know that my biggest downfall was falling for this "perfect" guy. Again, silly me. I'm doing well under the circumstances. I still haven't managed to get my energy level back up, that angry feeling still haunts me, but I know in time--this too, shall pass. I'm looking forward to the idea of getting my life in order myself and living the best life I can. I can only wish the best for him because I'll always care about what happens to him. I realize that being his "friend" is no longer an option. It always leads back to the same situation and that's something I truly need to work on to move forward--without him in my life. I know I can do it. I'm gonna do it.