inferior to ex-wife

[kristi]

I'm 30 and dating a divorced man (he's divorced for 2 years, no kids, no contact with the ex).

 

We have a great relationship, we're in love. When I see

 

pictures of him from the past, however, where he is

 

wearing his wedding ring, it really upsets me. I've realized that I feel inferior

 

to his ex-wife. He has done/said nothing to make me feel this way. His wife cheated on him and left him, he tried to work out the relationship but failed. Somehow I feel like she is the one he chose, the one he wanted to spend his life with, and now that it has ended he's with me, but I'm not his first

 

choice in a partner, she was. I've discussed this with him

 

and he's said that's ridiculous, he wishes he would have met

 

me first and he would have never married his ex.

 

I realize how irrational this worrying is, but that hasn't kept

 

me from worrying over this. Any advice?

 

- kristi

[Tony T]

Kristi:

 

People get divorced every day because they were in relationships that were no longer fulfilling or were not right in some way and could not be saved. Once that happens, the parties take some time to heal their emotions...and then they move on. In computer terms, they delete the relationship, put it in the recycle bin, and then empty it.

 

I can promise you that your current honey seldom if ever thinks of his previous marriage but, if he does, those memories will become more and more faint with time and with his experiences with you.

 

The best advice I can give you, not only about this situation but about life in general, is LIVE IN THE PRESENT and enjoy what is on your plate right now. It doesn't sound like your guy is looking back at all and he was the one that was married. YOU are the one who is looking back at his life.

 

Take his photographs to a studio and have his wedding ring airbrushed off of them if it bothers you so much. He has moved on and YOU are the person in his life. Take your mind off of his past and concentrate right now on being the best thing that could have ever happened to him.

 

As far as the romantic notion that the first person we marry is the one we are supposed to be with for life, try to tell that to the fifty percent who get divorced. We all hope for that but sometimes, and often through nobody's fault, the match seemed good at the beginning but just wasn't a keeper over the long haul. That's why we get second chances.

 

Sounds like you've got a great thing going. I hope you can get over your thoughts of his ex because until he dies or she dies, he will always have an ex wife. But YOU are the one he's with and that's all that counts.

[Shirley]

I'm 30 and dating a divorced man (he's divorced for 2 years, no kids, no contact with the ex).

 

We have a great relationship, we're in love. When I see pictures of him from the past, however, where he is wearing his wedding ring, it really upsets me. I've realized that I feel inferior to his ex-wife. He has done/said nothing to make me feel this way. His wife cheated on him and left him, he tried to work out the relationship but failed. Somehow I feel like she is the one he chose, the one he wanted to spend his life with, and now that it has ended he's with me, but I'm not his first choice in a partner, she was. I've discussed this with him and he's said that's ridiculous, he wishes he would have met me first and he would have never married his ex. I realize how irrational this worrying is, but that hasn't kept me from worrying over this. Any advice? - kristi

 

Hi!

 

He was in love with his ex, but realized that she really didn't feel the same about him. So he ended that relationship. You need to realize that he will always love her. But that has nothing to do with the love he feels for you. He has much stronger feelings with you because he feels that his love is being returned. People can fall in love many times in their life, but they can never be happy unless that love is returned. And it doesn't matter whether you were the first choice or the fiftieth choice. It's not a choice. It's a feeling that can't be controlled.