My boyfriend is so jealous about my past sexual experiences

[yasmina1706]

Hey all,

 

I just found this site and it seems to be pretty nice with sincere people.

I have a problem that I'm not sure how to cope with. I have been with my boyfriend for two months, and things have been going really well. Recently though, he started to express his 'past jealousy' about the men I slept with before him (although neither of us is remotely jealous in the present and trust each other completely, despite being in different countries for the whole summer).

I slept with with 3 guys before him. One was a 2 year relationship, one was a drunken mistake with a long term friend, and one was a one-night stand in my first year of university (I am now going into my second year). He slept with 2 girls before me. One was a 3 year relationship, and the other a one night stand.

 

I was very good friends with him for 7 months before we got together (we are in the same class at uni), and each liked the other but neither of us realised. I of course told him about the one night stand as it happened, and at the time he reacted with amusement. He later told me that it hurt him that I would sleep with a random guy but seemed to find him asexual (when he was crushing on me).

 

I think he believes that I only find him attractive now because I am in love with him. This is the first time I have been in love, and have certainly found him more attractive since falling for him, but always found him very handsome.

 

I don't know how I can help him, as he seems to get upset randomly and pulls away from me when it happens. He knows that he is being irrational (he is otherwise one of the most sane people I know), but doesn't know how to deal with it.

 

Apologies for the length of this post but just wondering if anyone else has been through a similar situation and has any ideas on how to help him through this?

[porter218]

So is it the fact that he liked you when you had this one night stand that is bothering him?

[yasmina1706]

Yes, I think he was jealous at the time, but now I am not sure exactly. I think it is more an issue with the fact I found other men attractive (without loving them), but he thinks I only find him attractive as I love him.

 

He just called me asking if I am lying to comfort him, then hung up on me :-(

[yasmina1706]

lying about finding him attractive, that is

[porter218]

As much as you may want to comfort him right now, you really need to tell him to snap out of it. He needs to grow up and realize that your one night stand was unimportant and has nothing to do with you thinking one looked better then the other. Correct me if I am wrong, did this one night stand come on to you stronger then what your current bf was doing at the time? If that is the case then just explain that to him. Obviously all that should matter is you chose to enter into a relationship with him and not the other man, and he is who you think about not the other.

[yasmina1706]

Thanks so much, yeah maybe I should take a slightly harder line with him. It's just such a strange thing to be upset about!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks so much, yeah maybe I should take a slightly harder line with him. It's just such a strange thing to be upset about!

 

No, this is all about how he wants to see you vs. who you really are.

 

Does that make sense? Being hard with him is just going to prove your a bitch.

 

Instead point out that he is trying to mentally make you into something your not. He made a mistake like this... so did you! If you had known he liked you, it would not have happened... ect. That is much more likely to help.

[Palladin]

I'd also suggest doing something that would show him that You're extreamly attracted to him (some really wild sex).

Do with him something that You haven't done with anyone else before (and tell him about it!). This should bring his confidence back.

Men are really sensitive about their ability to please their women. We want to know that we are the best not just because we're caring, loving etc, but simply because we're outstanding lovers;).

[atc2410]

Being jealous of past lovers is a maturity thing. And I mean that literally. I'm not painting your bf in a negative light when I say that. As you get older it matters less.

 

Personally (I'm male btw) I would prefer my current partner to have as much experience as possible. It would mean she knows what she wants, what she doesn't want and ultimately it means her decision to be with me is grounded and assured.

 

I explain to those jealous of their partners past as thus. The past is a series of stepping stones towards the present. If it weren't for your past experiences including ex lovers then you wouldn't be with the person you're with today. That is an absolute fact. Your boyfriend should be grateful you've had the past you've had because that's what's steered you towards him.

[rproctor]

atc2410 - That was great advice, best ever!