feeling guilty. engaged and doubting

[hcd03]

I have been engaged to my fiance for over a year. And now, I don't know what I want to do.

 

Part of me thinks I should end it. The reasons:

1. I want to leave the state, live in a city, and pursue a Masters degree. I'm very ambitious, and he's not at all. He wants to continue living here in a small town, podunk, state and wants to settle down. Economically, the area we're living in right now is a dead end for me, and he wants to stay here for the next five years at least. I'm only 23. I wish he would consider leaving the state with me.

2. We argue a lot. We're both stubborn, but he has the tendency to start raising his voice a lot when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. It gets really frustrating because I grew up with the "my way or the highway" rule. I never want to deal with that rule again. Relationships are about compromise and we argue about a lot of stupid issues.

3. I don't really like his daughter. She's 8 and she acts just like her mother. She's very rude and disrespectful. She is also really mean to my 4-year-old son. Every night she's here, she wanders into our bedroom around 1:30 and wakes us up. We only have her every other weekend though. My fiance is usually working though and I end up being babysitter. I don't think I would be so frustrated with his daughter if he actually took care of her to. I shouldn't have to play babysitter EVERY time.

4. We don't have sex all that often anymore. He's been getting heavier (he's about 80 pounds overweight), and when I asked him why he barely sleeps with me, he told me he's fat and doesn't have the energy to have sex.

5.We live in a pig sty. He rarely ever cleans. If I want to live in a clean house, I have to do the majority of the cleaning. I have asked him over and over again to help me clean, and he always puts it off. I feel like a maid.

6. He doesn't like snuggling all that much. The rare times he does are memorable.

7. I talk with my guy friend about things I want to do more than I talk with my fiance about it. Because every time I talk about having more ambition and leaving small-town hell, he gets all defensive and upset saying I should stay here with him.

 

Why I want to stay with him:

1. He treats my son very well. My son doesn't have a father and my fiance has taken up that role. I'm worried if I leave, my son won't have a father figure again.

2. My fiance can be incredibly sweet when he wants to be. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and a florist dropped off a bouquet of flowers from him. It was incredibly thoughtful. He'll do random stuff like that to make me feel better and then I always feel like a witch for thinking about leaving him. He even cleaned the house this week for the first time in months.

3. If I left the state, I'd be leaving by myself. He wouldn't come with me, and I'd be moving my son to a new area unfamiliar to him with no support. The thought scares me to death. I'd be 1600 miles away from my nearest family.

4. I do love him in my own way. I just don't feel any passion anymore. I feel like I'm living with a roommate...

5. I only have a part-time job, and I won't know whether I've been accepted into the masters program for another 3 or 4 months. If I tell him I don't want to marry him now, he might kick us out. My son and I would have no place to go.

 

I think my big problem is that I'm struggling between two roads. I love him despite his flaws, and I know he loves me. Should I stay with him and most likely never make anything of myself? Or should I leave, start on a new road with no known horizon that could end in disaster for myself and my son?

Family and friends here?

Unknown achievements/failures and maybe another man down the road out there?

 

And I'm actually afraid of the fall-out if I tell him I don't want to marry him anymore. He's so excited to be marrying me. He doesn't know how I'm feeling because whenever I try to tell him he ends the conversation before it starts.

[lovestruck818]

I have been engaged to my fiance for over a year. And now, I don't know what I want to do.

 

Part of me thinks I should end it. The reasons:

1. I want to leave the state, live in a city, and pursue a Masters degree. I'm very ambitious, and he's not at all. He wants to continue living here in a small town, podunk, state and wants to settle down. Economically, the area we're living in right now is a dead end for me, and he wants to stay here for the next five years at least. I'm only 23. I wish he would consider leaving the state with me.

2. We argue a lot. We're both stubborn, but he has the tendency to start raising his voice a lot when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. It gets really frustrating because I grew up with the "my way or the highway" rule. I never want to deal with that rule again. Relationships are about compromise and we argue about a lot of stupid issues.

3. I don't really like his daughter. She's 8 and she acts just like her mother. She's very rude and disrespectful. She is also really mean to my 4-year-old son. Every night she's here, she wanders into our bedroom around 1:30 and wakes us up. We only have her every other weekend though. My fiance is usually working though and I end up being babysitter. I don't think I would be so frustrated with his daughter if he actually took care of her to. I shouldn't have to play babysitter EVERY time.

4. We don't have sex all that often anymore. He's been getting heavier (he's about 80 pounds overweight), and when I asked him why he barely sleeps with me, he told me he's fat and doesn't have the energy to have sex.

5.We live in a pig sty. He rarely ever cleans. If I want to live in a clean house, I have to do the majority of the cleaning. I have asked him over and over again to help me clean, and he always puts it off. I feel like a maid.

6. He doesn't like snuggling all that much. The rare times he does are memorable.

7. I talk with my guy friend about things I want to do more than I talk with my fiance about it. Because every time I talk about having more ambition and leaving small-town hell, he gets all defensive and upset saying I should stay here with him.

 

Why I want to stay with him:

1. He treats my son very well. My son doesn't have a father and my fiance has taken up that role. I'm worried if I leave, my son won't have a father figure again.

2. My fiance can be incredibly sweet when he wants to be. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and a florist dropped off a bouquet of flowers from him. It was incredibly thoughtful. He'll do random stuff like that to make me feel better and then I always feel like a witch for thinking about leaving him. He even cleaned the house this week for the first time in months.

3. If I left the state, I'd be leaving by myself. He wouldn't come with me, and I'd be moving my son to a new area unfamiliar to him with no support. The thought scares me to death. I'd be 1600 miles away from my nearest family.

4. I do love him in my own way. I just don't feel any passion anymore. I feel like I'm living with a roommate...

5. I only have a part-time job, and I won't know whether I've been accepted into the masters program for another 3 or 4 months. If I tell him I don't want to marry him now, he might kick us out. My son and I would have no place to go.

 

I think my big problem is that I'm struggling between two roads. I love him despite his flaws, and I know he loves me. Should I stay with him and most likely never make anything of myself? Or should I leave, start on a new road with no known horizon that could end in disaster for myself and my son?

Family and friends here?

Unknown achievements/failures and maybe another man down the road out there?

 

And I'm actually afraid of the fall-out if I tell him I don't want to marry him anymore. He's so excited to be marrying me. He doesn't know how I'm feeling because whenever I try to tell him he ends the conversation before it starts.

 

I have to say...when one person in the relationship is ambitious and the other is not, it can really kill things...and it sucks. My boyfriend is so unambitious. He just got fired from his job b/c he never cared about it from the start and made it blatantly obvious and now has no motivation to look for anything else. The even worse thing is that he is very bright and very educated and he would be an asset to any company but he just doesn't care and is lazy. Whereas for me, I am very ambitious, always jumping on every opportunity and wanting to always find out how I can do my job better and what I can go to school for next. It's really quite frustrating, so as far as that goes, I know what you are going through.

[whichwayisup]

You can't stay out of fear of reactions. That isn't fair to you or your child.

 

Put the wedding on hold indefinately and sort this out. DO NOT MARRY him for the wrong reasons, it'll be just awful for all the kids involved.

[Honymoon]

I think you have to rethink and rethink the wrong thing you say about him, are they bearable to live with for more years?, how much time can you lie to you telling yourself all the 7 item you mentioned are not important?.

[GPFan]

1. I want to leave the state, live in a city, and pursue a Masters degree. I'm very ambitious, and he's not at all. He wants to continue living here in a small town, podunk, state and wants to settle down. Economically, the area we're living in right now is a dead end for me, and he wants to stay here for the next five years at least. I'm only 23. I wish he would consider leaving the state with me.

This is huge. HUGE. To not better yourself and your life would be a betrayal of self. You would soon regret it, be miserable and, as a result, everyone around you would be negatively impacted.

 

 

 

2. We argue a lot. We're both stubborn, but he has the tendency to start raising his voice a lot when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. It gets really frustrating because I grew up with the "my way or the highway" rule. I never want to deal with that rule again. Relationships are about compromise and we argue about a lot of stupid issues.

This could be worked out in a healthy relationship IF you were basically satisfied with your life. If you aren't happy and satisfied where you are, then an obstacle like this could become the proverbial brick wall.

 

 

 

3. I don't really like his daughter. She's 8 and she acts just like her mother. She's very rude and disrespectful. She is also really mean to my 4-year-old son. Every night she's here, she wanders into our bedroom around 1:30 and wakes us up. We only have her every other weekend though. My fiance is usually working though and I end up being babysitter. I don't think I would be so frustrated with his daughter if he actually took care of her to. I shouldn't have to play babysitter EVERY time.

See my response to No. 2. Same effect.

 

 

 

4. We don't have sex all that often anymore. He's been getting heavier (he's about 80 pounds overweight), and when I asked him why he barely sleeps with me, he told me he's fat and doesn't have the energy to have sex.

This one would take time and eventually become a large resentment for you to carry. Outcome: misery.

 

 

5.We live in a pig sty. He rarely ever cleans. If I want to live in a clean house, I have to do the majority of the cleaning. I have asked him over and over again to help me clean, and he always puts it off. I feel like a maid.

See my response to No. 4. This behaviour will breed resentment.

 

 

6. He doesn't like snuggling all that much. The rare times he does are memorable.

See my response to No. 2.

 

 

 

7. I talk with my guy friend about things I want to do more than I talk with my fiance about it. Because every time I talk about having more ambition and leaving small-town hell, he gets all defensive and upset saying I should stay here with him.

See my response to No. 4.

[GPFan]

Why I want to stay with him:

1. He treats my son very well. My son doesn't have a father and my fiance has taken up that role. I'm worried if I leave, my son won't have a father figure again.

I feel this is an unreasonable fear almost as if you can't believe anyone else could ever love you and your Son. Since your Son doesn't have a Father, you are the pivotal person and influence in his life. As long as he has your love and devotion he can cope with life's changes.

 

 

 

2. My fiance can be incredibly sweet when he wants to be. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and a florist dropped off a bouquet of flowers from him. It was incredibly thoughtful. He'll do random stuff like that to make me feel better and then I always feel like a witch for thinking about leaving him. He even cleaned the house this week for the first time in months.

Could it be that he senses your ambivalence? Men are intuitive too. He has a 'good thing' and doesn't want to lose it naturally. Question is does his 'good thing' exact too high a price from you?

 

 

 

3. If I left the state, I'd be leaving by myself. He wouldn't come with me, and I'd be moving my son to a new area unfamiliar to him with no support. The thought scares me to death. I'd be 1600 miles away from my nearest family.

That would be scary and stressful, no doubt. Many people have done it and I personally don't know anyone who regretted it.

 

 

 

4. I do love him in my own way. I just don't feel any passion anymore. I feel like I'm living with a roommate...

Not good.

 

 

 

5. I only have a part-time job, and I won't know whether I've been accepted into the masters program for another 3 or 4 months. If I tell him I don't want to marry him now, he might kick us out. My son and I would have no place to go.

I agree you have to have a plan that is independent of him. Plan your moves so that if he wants to join you, fine; if not, fine.

 

 

 

I think my big problem is that I'm struggling between two roads. I love him despite his flaws, and I know he loves me. Should I stay with him and most likely never make anything of myself? Or should I leave, start on a new road with no known horizon that could end in disaster for myself and my son?

Family and friends here?

Unknown achievements/failures and maybe another man down the road out there?

Sad fact of life is that sometimes love simply isn't enough. The rest will be your call.

 

 

And I'm actually afraid of the fall-out if I tell him I don't want to marry him anymore. He's so excited to be marrying me. He doesn't know how I'm feeling because whenever I try to tell him he ends the conversation before it starts.

Another reason to have a plan already in place. To not follow your heart's desire would be self-betrayal and sublimating your life to someone else's. There hasn't been one epic told in the course of Human history where self-betrayal led to true happiness.

[Tomcat33]

Hi there Hcd

 

Very simply put, everything a person invisions for themselves and their future as they are about to marry the person they hope to share this with is not there in your case so why would you go through with it?

 

Also, you say you love him despite his flaws but the first half of your post details all his flaws if not direct ones, ones that are part of him and his life that affect you and you have little tollerance for.

 

It sounds like you do love him, but you love him as a friend. I don't see any sort of good future for you and this man romantically speaking. If you are going to enter marriage with all this already as it is, it will only compound once you are married. The act of getting married is not a magic potion in fact it can test and bring down the best of couples imagine what it will do to one that starts off as what you are describing here?

 

Can I ask you something? Why do you want to marry him?

 

If it's because he treats your son well and he treats you well, then you must have the confidence and faith that you can find this again, only with the type of man that fulfills more of your overall needs.

[Rorocher]

Why I want to stay with him:

1. He treats my son very well. My son doesn't have a father and my fiance has taken up that role. I'm worried if I leave, my son won't have a father figure again.

2. My fiance can be incredibly sweet when he wants to be. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and a florist dropped off a bouquet of flowers from him. It was incredibly thoughtful. He'll do random stuff like that to make me feel better and then I always feel like a witch for thinking about leaving him. He even cleaned the house this week for the first time in months.

3. If I left the state, I'd be leaving by myself. He wouldn't come with me, and I'd be moving my son to a new area unfamiliar to him with no support. The thought scares me to death. I'd be 1600 miles away from my nearest family.

4. I do love him in my own way. I just don't feel any passion anymore. I feel like I'm living with a roommate...

5. I only have a part-time job, and I won't know whether I've been accepted into the masters program for another 3 or 4 months. If I tell him I don't want to marry him now, he might kick us out. My son and I would have no place to go.

 

I think my big problem is that I'm struggling between two roads. I love him despite his flaws, and I know he loves me. Should I stay with him and most likely never make anything of myself? Or should I leave, start on a new road with no known horizon that could end in disaster for myself and my son?

Family and friends here?

Unknown achievements/failures and maybe another man down the road out there?

 

And I'm actually afraid of the fall-out if I tell him I don't want to marry him anymore. He's so excited to be marrying me. He doesn't know how I'm feeling because whenever I try to tell him he ends the conversation before it starts.

 

It seems to me, from what you wrote above, that you only want to stay with him out of selfish reasons. So you're not alone, you have someone to take care of your son, you have a roof over your head, someone to send you flowers and make you feel better. It's all about what he does for you, to make your life easier. Very little about how you care for him. Think about what you wrote.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

If you remove the visor of your current relationship and read these two lists from an objective standpoint, how would you advise the person posting them? This is how I would do it:

 

Your "staying" list is weak because its focus is more on practical matters more than the relationship itself being good and worth staying in. Your "going" list makes it seem as though he is hindering your development and well-being as a person, and indicates a lack of strength in the relationship. Don't be afraid of the fall-out; unhappiness and eventual divorce are much more frightening.

[Angel1111]

It seems to me, from what you wrote above, that you only want to stay with him out of selfish reasons. So you're not alone, you have someone to take care of your son, you have a roof over your head, someone to send you flowers and make you feel better. It's all about what he does for you, to make your life easier. Very little about how you care for him. Think about what you wrote.

 

I think that's an extremely wrong assessment of her post. If a guy were writing this about a woman, every single guy out there would tell him to leave this overweight, lazy, undisciplined, temperamental person. hcd points out the good and bad - although there is a lot of bad, mostly deal-breakers, as far as I'm concerned. But don't kid yourself that it's not a serious thing that she has a child to take care of and cannot just walk out the door.

 

hcd - I think you know that this relationship isn't going to work for you. Based on the things you say, I can assure you that in 1 or 2 yrs, your love will not be enough. You cannot have this many serious problems in a relationship before you're married and not expect them to become major issues after you're married.

 

If your future step-daughter is mean to your son, you need to think about what kind of environment you're subjecting your son to. Regardless of whether she's only there a couple of times a month, you and your son both have to deal with her. I had a friend who wanted to date me really badly and because he was so nuts about me, I was tempted. But the truth is, I couldn't stand his kids. He lost a lot of girlfriends because of his kids, and it caused me to lose respect for him because he had no control over them. Maybe your bf's daughter isn't that bad but these problems will not get better - they will only get worse. And even when she's grown, she will always be in your life.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything to your bf until you figure out where you're going to live. And once you figure that out, you need to end this relationship because it is very toxic for you. He may have his warm and fuzzy side and be very lovable, but the truth is the two of you clash way too much.

 

And if you don't mind some additional advice coming from a single mom with a son, please don't ever just 'live' with a guy again unless you're married to him. You can't 'try out' living with someone when you have a child. It's too unstable for your son because if the bf thing doesn't work out (as in this case), you end up in a very bad position. Plus, it tells your son that you don't respect yourself enough to wait until a man marries you. This is not a good message to send. You're the one who teaches your son how to treat other women - either by showing him, or by how you let other men treat you. He's taking all this in, whether you notice it or not. Just my thoughts.

[hcd03]

I appreciate everyone's posts. It's given me a lot to think about. I think I've definitely come to the decision that I won't be marrying him. How I'm going to leave him is still up in the air.

 

Angel is right. I have a son to think about, and I can't just up and leave with no steady, full-time job or place to stay. It's not fair to my son.

(On another note, I only moved in with him after we got engaged. I'm kinda glad I moved in beforehand because if I'd waited to see what he was like living with after marriage, I'd be facing divorce. He changed after I moved in with him. It was like "I have you, now I don't have to work to keep you." He's the only man I've ever lived with. But thank you for the advice.)

 

I will be waiting to tell him I'm leaving until one of three things happens.

1. I find a full-time job that will support me and my son (which is really hard to do right now in the area we live due to the cr&ppy economy)

2. I get accepted into the masters program I REALLY want to get into in Virginia, which also happens to be close to a few friends up in the area. (I prefer this one!)

3. Neither of the first two happen and the wedding date gets closer. I'll just have to tell him I can't marry him and face the consequences. (hoping #3 never happens)

 

So either way, it will probably be a few months before I can confront him about it.

[lovestruck818]

I have been engaged to my fiance for over a year. And now, I don't know what I want to do.

 

Part of me thinks I should end it. The reasons:

1. I want to leave the state, live in a city, and pursue a Masters degree. I'm very ambitious, and he's not at all. He wants to continue living here in a small town, podunk, state and wants to settle down. Economically, the area we're living in right now is a dead end for me, and he wants to stay here for the next five years at least. I'm only 23. I wish he would consider leaving the state with me.

2. We argue a lot. We're both stubborn, but he has the tendency to start raising his voice a lot when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. It gets really frustrating because I grew up with the "my way or the highway" rule. I never want to deal with that rule again. Relationships are about compromise and we argue about a lot of stupid issues.

3. I don't really like his daughter. She's 8 and she acts just like her mother. She's very rude and disrespectful. She is also really mean to my 4-year-old son. Every night she's here, she wanders into our bedroom around 1:30 and wakes us up. We only have her every other weekend though. My fiance is usually working though and I end up being babysitter. I don't think I would be so frustrated with his daughter if he actually took care of her to. I shouldn't have to play babysitter EVERY time.

4. We don't have sex all that often anymore. He's been getting heavier (he's about 80 pounds overweight), and when I asked him why he barely sleeps with me, he told me he's fat and doesn't have the energy to have sex.

5.We live in a pig sty. He rarely ever cleans. If I want to live in a clean house, I have to do the majority of the cleaning. I have asked him over and over again to help me clean, and he always puts it off. I feel like a maid.

6. He doesn't like snuggling all that much. The rare times he does are memorable.

7. I talk with my guy friend about things I want to do more than I talk with my fiance about it. Because every time I talk about having more ambition and leaving small-town hell, he gets all defensive and upset saying I should stay here with him.

 

Why I want to stay with him:

1. He treats my son very well. My son doesn't have a father and my fiance has taken up that role. I'm worried if I leave, my son won't have a father figure again.

2. My fiance can be incredibly sweet when he wants to be. I started a new job a couple weeks ago, and a florist dropped off a bouquet of flowers from him. It was incredibly thoughtful. He'll do random stuff like that to make me feel better and then I always feel like a witch for thinking about leaving him. He even cleaned the house this week for the first time in months.

3. If I left the state, I'd be leaving by myself. He wouldn't come with me, and I'd be moving my son to a new area unfamiliar to him with no support. The thought scares me to death. I'd be 1600 miles away from my nearest family.

4. I do love him in my own way. I just don't feel any passion anymore. I feel like I'm living with a roommate...

5. I only have a part-time job, and I won't know whether I've been accepted into the masters program for another 3 or 4 months. If I tell him I don't want to marry him now, he might kick us out. My son and I would have no place to go.

 

I think my big problem is that I'm struggling between two roads. I love him despite his flaws, and I know he loves me. Should I stay with him and most likely never make anything of myself? Or should I leave, start on a new road with no known horizon that could end in disaster for myself and my son?

Family and friends here?

Unknown achievements/failures and maybe another man down the road out there?

 

And I'm actually afraid of the fall-out if I tell him I don't want to marry him anymore. He's so excited to be marrying me. He doesn't know how I'm feeling because whenever I try to tell him he ends the conversation before it starts.

 

I've never been married, so I'm probably not too credible on this...but honestly if you are having that many doubts and that many questions, should you really be marrying this guy? If you marry him, things could get worse, things could get better- but if you love him, are you really ready to tackle everything that life throws at you? If you marry him, you are stuck with the daughter, you are stuck living somewhere you don't want to live in a sitaution that is less than desirable, and while i would hope for you that things would get better with time & marriage, I don't know that they will...and when you are married, you would have to deal with the repercussions of that.