Boyfriend cheated with my best friend

[parisred]

Well I have been with him for almost 11 years, most of our lives in fact. Last January when I went out of town they had their first encounter, the affair continued until April of last year. I will do a little background here now.

 

I really wanted them to get along, because for years they hated each other and neither wanted the other in my life. Because I wanted to spend my life with my boyfriend, and had been friends with her since grade school I needed them to get along, it took a few years for them to become civil, but eventually they did.

 

But 2 years ago they started hanging out without me, which I had a problem with, a big problem. At first I just nagged, but then I told my boyfriend I would leave him if it didn't stop, then it did, or so I thought. They were not hanging out together or even talking that I knew of, but that is the time the affair had actually started. Before they had taken things to an inappropriate level, they were not hiding the friendship; once it went there the entire thing was now a big secret.This affair always happened while I was at work, during the night, the days our daughter would stay with grandparents. Oh yes we have a child together too, should mention that. But this went on for about 4 months, on average once a week, and then in April they had a discussion and agreed it needed to end. This did confuse me because people as I understood didn't just end affairs like that. As long as they can get away with it why would they stop, I mean at the time I had no clue any of it was happening, so why end it?

 

Well I found out this February, after being nosey and logging on his MySpace page. I saw she had messaged him, and thought how rude, she hadn't messaged me recently. But when I read the message my stomach fell to the floor, and I couldn't even breathe. They were having discussions about the past affair. She expressed her feelings for him; he did as well in a roundabout way. She was very much emotional about him, he was trying to calm her and make her feel better about it ending.

 

One of my biggest problems is the person I would have called to help me decide what to do, was involved in the betrayal, I had no one to call. When I first found out, he lied about how many times and for how long it had gone on; he even called her from work because he knew I would call her. He did not want me to know it went on for that long of a time; he wanted me to think it was only the one night. This angered me even more, because all of the things I needed to say to her had to be done over a typed message, because she knew I knew before I could even call her.

 

After I finally talked her into calling me, mostly by lying and trying to assure her that I was not that angry with her, although I was, more than I ever thought I could be. During the conversation I was civil and actually polite, I knew doing this would put her at ease making her more willing to tell the truth. Through the whole conversation I wanted to say all of the horrible things I had thought about her but I held my tounge. Getting information was more important at the time, by the end I had gotten all of the details. How long it lasted how often it happened, and what if any emotions were involved. The emotional thing was a relief, he never expressed any emotional attachment to her beyond the sex, but it still wasn't fine by any stretch of the mind.

 

I found out that as late as October they had hung out, they never took it to that level, but it was by her choice and not his. I initially told him to leave, but after awhile I agreed he could stay, but that I really didn't know if I would stay with him.

 

This event lead to a lot of demons I had buried years ago, to come leaping out, namely cutting. I was on a binge of sorts with it; I would do it up to 5 times a day. I did stop that, after about 6 weeks it got less, and I have done none in over a month.

 

But even after forgiving him things are very hard, he has become the person I always wanted him to be, but it doesn't seem enough. So much of my life was involved in this one horrible blow. My boyfriend and best friend, how do I deal with that? I have gone through photo albums, which are supposed to be happy memories, but whenever I see one with her in it all I think of is them together. This girl lives next door to my mother; I have to drive passed her house every time I visit my mom. My daughter plays with her little brother; we work for the same company.

 

The amount of betrayal at times is still overwhelming, I hate him still sometimes, and I hate her still all the time. I would never have guessed she would do this to me or that he would for that matter. I know I would have moved much further by this time if it wasn't with my best friend. I know this because; the anger is about the two of them, not just the affair. I am angered with her, because she refused responsibility for her actions. She shoved the blame to him, he started it, she wanted to tell me, and she wanted to end it. The fact is that she is the one who drove to my house to meet up with him. If she wanted to tell me she would have. If she wanted it to end, she would have stopped calling him, and stopped coming over to my house when I was not home.

 

I know they are both to blame, he knows what he did, and he accepted responsibility for the part he played, he never once shifted blame to her, nor did he pretend he did not have control over his actions. But what makes me hate her so, is that she blamed him, and at one point even referred to herself as a victim of the situation

 

I don't know where to really go from here, should I erase her from my life, get rid of all pictures with her, or is there another way to deal with the anger? I have decided to stay with him, it was the first and only time he cheated, and if it can be the last I may be able to stay with him for good. Although I still cannot guarantee that to him, I can only say what will happen each day. If anybody can help, please do, I am lost.

[sandrawg]

I am SO sorry for what you've been going through. I actually started to cry, reading your post. I can't imagine the pain you must be suffering-you were hit with a double whammy.

 

To respond to your questions, I would start seeing a therapist if you can, to help you deal with the grief and pain. I would DEFINITELY dump this b*** who betrayed you. She is not a friend. She does not need to be in your life, or in HIS life for that matter, since you two now need to try to move forward and heal from this.

 

She sounds like an awful person, frankly-I can't believe she would have the nerve to try to play the victim. What redeeming qualities does this girl even possess, that would make you even QUESTION whether you should keep her in your life? No, I'd kick her out with a giant THUMP.

 

As for your bf, he needs to commit to being 100 percent faithful and honest with you from here on out. If it were me, I would tell him that, at least at 1st, he's going to be watched like a hawk. He's really got a lot of making up to do.

 

Once again, I'm so sorry. I hope he treats you better from here on out.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't know where to really go from here, should I erase her from my life, get rid of all pictures with her, or is there another way to deal with the anger? I have decided to stay with him, it was the first and only time he cheated, and if it can be the last I may be able to stay with him for good. Although I still cannot guarantee that to him, I can only say what will happen each day. If alnybody can help, please do, I am lost.

 

Let me give you some brief advice... from someone who has been in a situation similar to your boyfriend.

 

Make absolute sure you know why he cheated, and take action on that. If you just sit around thinking your the perfect woman... eventually he will be done with you.

 

Also, it's good to give him some insecurity right off the bat, however, if you want something good long term, you need to make sure he feels some security with you. Otherwise he is going to be MUCH more easily tempted in the future.

[torranceshipman]

I agree a therapist sounds like a brilliant idea especialy with the cutting...

 

IMO it is really unhealthy to have either of them in your life - better to end it with him, live apart so you never have to see him, tell everyone in your family why this has occurred, and also tell her you will never be a friend to her again, remove the photos from the photo album, and move on decisively. They are not positive influences in your life and they will always drag you down - a partner and best friend should be the people who add postively to your life and lift you up and walk with you through the bad times - but these two are doing exactly the opposite, are the cause of all your pain and are dragging you down so badly that you cut yourself. They're emotionally damaging you and they're a horrible influence in your life.

 

Poor you and good luck, whatever you choose to do.

[stillafool]

BTW, what you call your "best friend" is in fact your "worst enemy" and you should start referring to her in that way from now on. When they first started hanging out together did you also tell her you didn't like this and you wanted it to stop or did you only tell him?

 

You are better than me because I just couldn't forgive him for sleeping with a so called friend of mine. I could handle a stranger better. If it were my friend I would feel he just had no damn respect for me at all.

 

I hate to say this but I would still kick him to the curb and move on with my life. If he did that to you he will do more.

[BostonIAm]

First of all... BIG HUGS

 

It felt like I was reading my life all over again. I have been through the EXACT same thing.

 

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 14, (6 1/2 yrs), so pretty much my entire life. I had been trying to get my 'best friend' and him to get along for ages because of the same reasons, they both didnt want the other in my life. I finally got them to speak, and when I went to stay at my mums for a a while to look after my little sister while mum was away, I noticed that my friend was spending an awful lot of time at my house with my boyfriend.

 

When I finally thought that enough was enough, my friend swore black and blue that nothing was going on. even tho I knew. I tryed the 'being nice' method 3 times, then finally I snapped and told her I knew that she had slept with him. Then she tryed to tell me that it was only once and it was a drunken mistake (which, to put it nicely, it REALLY makes me angry when people blame alcohol, because, I have NEVER gotten that drunk that I dont know what Im doing). I knew that it was more then once, and my boyfriend admitted too me that it was mutiple times.

 

It just so happened that the day before I was due to move back home, a tornado destroyed our house beyond repair and I decided to stay at my mums instead of moving with my boyfriend.

 

I have never felt so much anger towards someone before, but this girl that I used to call my best friend, makes me REALLY angry everytime I even look at her. Unfortunatly she is really good friends with another mate of mine which I can not stop talking to, because that is not fair on her, she had nothing to do with it, so I still have to see this girl but OMG i just have the urge to punch her.

 

Same as your story in the fact that my boyfriend never passed the blame, where as she just continued to lie and to blame everything but herself. I can never believe another word she says.

 

I dont know if it is a mistake, but I have forgiven my boyfriend. But I still wonder who he is thinking about while he is laying next to me. I think that there was a little bit of an emotional attachment between them, but I am trying to convince him that she is a compulsive liar and would more then likely say anything to keep him happy, I truely do believe this, im not just trying to talk him out of going to her.

 

Unfortunatly I dont have much advice for you, but I just thought I would let you know that you are not alone...

 

Best of luck, and I hope it all works out for you.

[parisred]

Let me give you some brief advice... from someone who has been in a situation similar to your boyfriend.

 

Make absolute sure you know why he cheated, and take action on that. If you just sit around thinking your the perfect woman... eventually he will be done with you.

 

Also, it's good to give him some insecurity right off the bat, however, if you want something good long term, you need to make sure he feels some security with you. Otherwise he is going to be MUCH more easily tempted in the future.

 

First thank you for your response,

 

I duscussed in every way with him if there was something I did to help cause the situation, he assured me I played no part, it was simply a friendship that he allowed to go to far. He has never before nor after had any friends that were girls, so it was never an issue before this. He does not at this point go anywhere without me unless he calls several times while gone, and if I have any doubt about where he may be, he proves to me where he is and who is there. I am not afraid the two of them will hook up ever again. Mainly because when I found out about it I spilled her secrets I had been keeping for her. Which made him quite sick about the person he had thought he knew. I also made sure he was not secure in this thing, I told him I had thoughts about cheating in order to feel better about it, but said I was not sure if it was something I would act on or not. Since this I have begun living for myself and not just for us, I eat healthy work out, and shop for myself a lot more now. He does want to spend nearly all of his free time with me now, but I do make a point to go out with my friends as well. I know that one thing I "did" to contribute to the state af the relationship, was my refusal to acknowledge our financial situation back then, I just blew it off when he would stress about it. The thing is he won't tell me that I did anything.

[parisred]

I am SO sorry for what you've been going through. I actually started to cry, reading your post. I can't imagine the pain you must be suffering-you were hit with a double whammy.

 

To respond to your questions, I would start seeing a therapist if you can, to help you deal with the grief and pain. I would DEFINITELY dump this b*** who betrayed you. She is not a friend. She does not need to be in your life, or in HIS life for that matter, since you two now need to try to move forward and heal from this.

 

She sounds like an awful person, frankly-I can't believe she would have the nerve to try to play the victim. What redeeming qualities does this girl even possess, that would make you even QUESTION whether you should keep her in your life? No, I'd kick her out with a giant THUMP.

 

As for your bf, he needs to commit to being 100 percent faithful and honest with you from here on out. If it were me, I would tell him that, at least at 1st, he's going to be watched like a hawk. He's really got a lot of making up to do.

 

Once again, I'm so sorry. I hope he treats you better from here on out.

 

 

I will never fully trust again that it can't happen, because he as proven that it can, but he has done his best to prove himself in the relationship. She on the other hand did nothing to redeem herself, or even try to be a decent person. My concern is not wether I should be her friend, but if I should go to the lengths of throwing away old pictures, or even gifts she has given us. I am not sure how far I should go to delete her. I have only had to see her once since this, when my daughter was playing with her brother, and she had to come get him to go inside. We never spoke she didn't look at me, but I still really wanted to swear at her or even hurt her physically. I really just wished her to feel even an ounce of the pain I felt, but that is not something I have control over, so I just put those feelings to rest.

[parisred]

First of all... BIG HUGS

 

It felt like I was reading my life all over again. I have been through the EXACT same thing.

 

I have been with my boyfriend since I was 14, (6 1/2 yrs), so pretty much my entire life. I had been trying to get my 'best friend' and him to get along for ages because of the same reasons, they both didnt want the other in my life. I finally got them to speak, and when I went to stay at my mums for a a while to look after my little sister while mum was away, I noticed that my friend was spending an awful lot of time at my house with my boyfriend.

 

When I finally thought that enough was enough, my friend swore black and blue that nothing was going on. even tho I knew. I tryed the 'being nice' method 3 times, then finally I snapped and told her I knew that she had slept with him. Then she tryed to tell me that it was only once and it was a drunken mistake (which, to put it nicely, it REALLY makes me angry when people blame alcohol, because, I have NEVER gotten that drunk that I dont know what Im doing). I knew that it was more then once, and my boyfriend admitted too me that it was mutiple times.

 

It just so happened that the day before I was due to move back home, a tornado destroyed our house beyond repair and I decided to stay at my mums instead of moving with my boyfriend.

 

I have never felt so much anger towards someone before, but this girl that I used to call my best friend, makes me REALLY angry everytime I even look at her. Unfortunatly she is really good friends with another mate of mine which I can not stop talking to, because that is not fair on her, she had nothing to do with it, so I still have to see this girl but OMG i just have the urge to punch her.

 

Same as your story in the fact that my boyfriend never passed the blame, where as she just continued to lie and to blame everything but herself. I can never believe another word she says.

 

I dont know if it is a mistake, but I have forgiven my boyfriend. But I still wonder who he is thinking about while he is laying next to me. I think that there was a little bit of an emotional attachment between them, but I am trying to convince him that she is a compulsive liar and would more then likely say anything to keep him happy, I truely do believe this, im not just trying to talk him out of going to her.

 

Unfortunatly I dont have much advice for you, but I just thought I would let you know that you are not alone...

 

Best of luck, and I hope it all works out for you.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience, I really did feel alone, I could not find anything similar to my situation before. I feel the same I still think perhaps I should have just made him leave instead of changing my mind. But I also think that he has never put more effort into my happines then he is now. He makes sure I am happy, and we are doing things that I want to do. Before this happened we hadn't gone on a date in months, and when we did it was still a rare thing. At the time I didn''t care because I didn't think it was needed, but now I see without our time, we were able to grow apart. This was when she was able to insert herself in it. I do wonder if perhaps she did this knowing why, she did not want happines for others if she didn't have it. She has never been able to stay in a relationship, mainly because she cheats on all of her boyfriends. So instead she just skipped around from guy to guy night after night. Because of this a condom was a concern, they both said without a doubt he always used one. He is the type to do that, we never went without a condom, until we were both tested and I was on birth control, so it would seem to reason he would use one with her. I think we have to make our decissions and then live with them. I kept him and not her, not keeping her as a friend was a no brainer. I feel that a friend that would do that should not be in your life, they are supossed to be the ones to help you through these things not the ones doing them to you. As far as keeping the boyfriend, time will tell if I made the right choice. I hope we both did, I hope you happiness as well.

[parisred]

I agree a therapist sounds like a brilliant idea especialy with the cutting...

 

IMO it is really unhealthy to have either of them in your life - better to end it with him, live apart so you never have to see him, tell everyone in your family why this has occurred, and also tell her you will never be a friend to her again, remove the photos from the photo album, and move on decisively. They are not positive influences in your life and they will always drag you down - a partner and best friend should be the people who add postively to your life and lift you up and walk with you through the bad times - but these two are doing exactly the opposite, are the cause of all your pain and are dragging you down so badly that you cut yourself. They're emotionally damaging you and they're a horrible influence in your life.

 

Poor you and good luck, whatever you choose to do.

 

I did see a therapist for awhile, but dealing with all of the emotions seemed to make me worse. I tend to bottle things, that is how I have made it through life. When talking about too many things I get depressed, this is what happened when seeing the therapist. I made it a couple of months and did learn things from it though. I have told my family, I made it clear to him he was not going to get through this in silence. I did not tell his mother, but I wanted to many times. I don't know if I want to cut him out, I think having a child makes it harder to walk away. Because we both work, one without the other can't pay the bills. I could do it eventually, but in the mean time I would need to stay with my mother something I was not looking to do. She does after all live next to the "best friend". I don't fully need him finacially, but it would be harder. I think I do love him, and that is why I allowed him to stay. He understands every move he makes is put under a microscope, and every thing he owns is public property now. No passwords are kept, and no e-mails pass through without me seeing them. If he decides this is too much, he is free to leave. I have told him, this is how it is, if you can't handle it then there's no need for you to be here.

[Untouchable_Fire]

First thank you for your response,

I duscussed in every way with him if there was something I did to help cause the situation, he assured me I played no part, it was simply a friendship that he allowed to go to far. He has never before nor after had any friends that were girls, so it was never an issue before this. He does not at this point go anywhere without me unless he calls several times while gone, and if I have any doubt about where he may be, he proves to me where he is and who is there. I am not afraid the two of them will hook up ever again. Mainly because when I found out about it I spilled her secrets I had been keeping for her. Which made him quite sick about the person he had thought he knew. I also made sure he was not secure in this thing, I told him I had thoughts about cheating in order to feel better about it, but said I was not sure if it was something I would act on or not. Since this I have begun living for myself and not just for us, I eat healthy work out, and shop for myself a lot more now. He does want to spend nearly all of his free time with me now, but I do make a point to go out with my friends as well. I know that one thing I "did" to contribute to the state af the relationship, was my refusal to acknowledge our financial situation back then, I just blew it off when he would stress about it. The thing is he won't tell me that I did anything.

 

From the position of a guy who did something very similar to what your BF did... I think he is not being honest with you. He wants to make things right and spare your feelings so he isn't going to tell you what he feels is wrong with your relationship. I thought I could just suck it up and soldier on... convinced myself that changing myself would fix things. A year later I filed for divorce.

She said some of the same things... she was thinking about cheating back... she wasn't sure if she wanted the relationship anymore... ect. I think on my end it made me work harder to fix things, but I wound up emotionally separating from her. I worked really hard, really, really hard! I eventually walked, cause at the end of the day, no matter how hard I worked, all those things that put me in a bad position were still there. I'd rather die than cheat again... that whole thing was just miserable, so she got dumped.

 

Put some thought to it. Consider what kind of guy he is before you choose which path to take with him!

[orangesean]

I hate to say this because both you and your boyfriend seem really intelligent no matter what happened, but I think if you don't end the relationship now, it will end eventually.

 

I understand you have a daughter and he is willing to get past it, but this sounds like an extreme case of betrayal that cuts deep. Maybe you might be happy if you just get away from it all and start over in a sense. Maybe you might have to live with your mom again to get footholding. It really sucks your best friend lives so close.

 

I feel really sad for you and I'm terribly sorry you have to go through this. In my head, 4 months with an average of once a week is very long and intentional. I think it sounds like your boyfriend ended it because as it was going on, he changed as a person and realized how ****ed up all this stuff he was doing was. But I think it's just too late to have regret and remorse now. Or at least the kind of regret and remorse that fixes broken hearts.

 

Personally I think you may want to continue therapy, break off whatever ties you can with all of this stuff, and just be alone for a while. The cutting stuff really concerns me a lot more than you actually seem to let on. I'm not sure if bottling things up will help you either. My girlfriend tends to do the same and did cut herself in the past before we got together (originally) and almost always have intense emotional outbursts later on that get kind of scary and are no fun for anyone.

 

Again, I'm very sorry for what has happened to you. If this all doesn't end well I think you should have no problem finding someone again. You seem like quite the catch if it helps me to say judging by how smart you seem and how willing and honest you are emotionally on this forum. So it might not be the biggest deal to ditch him besides working out what to do with your daughter.

[sandrawg]

He understands every move he makes is put under a microscope, and every thing he owns is public property now. No passwords are kept, and no e-mails pass through without me seeing them. If he decides this is too much, he is free to leave. I have told him, this is how it is, if you can't handle it then there's no need for you to be here.

 

You sound really strong. I think you are doing the right thing.

[parisred]

I hate to say this because both you and your boyfriend seem really intelligent no matter what happened, but I think if you don't end the relationship now, it will end eventually.quote]

 

 

Thank you for the kind words, I do think at times I am making a mistake by being with him still. I originally didn't want to work it out, but to hurt him back, as time has gone on though the retaliation feelings have started to fade. I now just wonder which decision is the right one, I can't know until it is too late to change it. The unknown of both scares me, staying, and leaving, both are scary choices. I think I picked to stay because it required less change on my part, less difference in my everyday life. I really wish at times I would have just ended it, if I had I would be over it now, right? Although at the time it would have been hard, who knows where I would be now, I am sure in less pain. I get angry with myself for being weak, and not doing what I expected of myself. But words don't change anything, I just hope I can either feel better with him, or feel confident in leaving.

[parisred]

You sound really strong. I think you are doing the right thing.

 

 

I really hope so, I don't know sometimes. Thank you for seeing me as strong, since this I feel as far from that as ever. The thing is until this every person that knew me said I was strong beyond belief, but now I feel more weak than ever in my life.

[serialgf]

hey i don't have a lot of time to post a response so pardon the brevity. it seems like you are very comfortable with your relationship and the motivating factor for you to stay is that it requires "the least amount of change" on your part. it almost sounds lazy or unmotivated - or perhaps its just fear. all of those reasons are understandable - you've been in this relationship for a long long time. however, i don't think you're really letting the gravity of the situation impact you - the man you love most totally betrayed and disrespected you and lied to you methodically about it for months. you know that that is NOT love. you've been numbing yourself out by "bottling it in" and cutting (which thankfully you've stopped doing) but don't you see that those are all ways of avoiding the real hurt? i say this to you in a caring way, as i would advise my best friend. from the experience of being with someone who hurt me over and over for years i am telling you that it is so much better for you as a person to face the hurt, cry and cry until you cant anymore, then muster your courage and be your own person. at this point, you only have yourself to rely on, and your child needs you to be strong.

 

best of luck & love to you, sweetie, you sound like a great girl!