parisred Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Well I have been with him for almost 11 years, most of our lives in fact. Last January when I went out of town they had their first encounter, the affair continued until April of last year. I will do a little background here now. I really wanted them to get along, because for years they hated each other and neither wanted the other in my life. Because I wanted to spend my life with my boyfriend, and had been friends with her since grade school I needed them to get along, it took a few years for them to become civil, but eventually they did. But 2 years ago they started hanging out without me, which I had a problem with, a big problem. At first I just nagged, but then I told my boyfriend I would leave him if it didn't stop, then it did, or so I thought. They were not hanging out together or even talking that I knew of, but that is the time the affair had actually started. Before they had taken things to an inappropriate level, they were not hiding the friendship; once it went there the entire thing was now a big secret This affair always happened while I was at work, during the night, the days our daughter would stay with grandparents. Oh yes we have a child together too, should mention that. But this went on for about 4 months, on average once a week, and then in April they had a discussion and agreed it needed to end. This did confuse me because people as I understood didn't just end affairs like that. As long as they can get away with it why would they stop, I mean at the time I had no clue any of it was happening, so why end it Well I found out this February, after being nosey and logging on his MySpace page. I saw she had messaged him, and thought how rude, she hadn't messaged me recently. But when I read the message my stomach fell to the floor, and I couldn't even breathe. They were having discussions about the past affair. She expressed her feelings for him; he did as well in a roundabout way. She was very much emotional about him, he was trying to calm her and make her feel better about it ending. One of my biggest problems is the person I would have called to help me decide what to do, was involved in the betrayal, I had no one to call. When I first found out, he lied about how many times and for how long it had gone on; he even called her from work because he knew I would call her. He did not want me to know it went on for that long of a time; he wanted me to think it was only the one night. This angered me even more, because all of the things I needed to say to her had to be done over a typed message, because she knew I knew before I could even call her. After I finally talked her into calling me, mostly by lying and trying to assure her that I was not that angry with her, although I was, more than I ever thought I could be. During the conversation I was civil and actually polite, I knew doing this would put her at ease make her more willing to tell the truth. Through the whole conversation I wanted to say all of the horrible things I had thought about her but I held my tounge. Getting information was more important at the time, by the end I had gotten all of the details. How long it lasted how often it happened, and what if any emotions were involved. The emotional thing was a relief, he never expressed any emotional attachment to her beyond the sex, but it still wasn't fine by any stretch of the mind I found out that as late as October they had hung out, they never took it to that level, but it was by her choice and not his. I initially told him to leave, but after awhile I agreed he could stay, but that I really didn't know if I would stay with him. This event lead to a lot of demons I had buried years ago, to come leaping out, namely cutting. I was on a binge of sorts with it; I would do it up to 5 times a day. I did stop that, after about 6 weeks it got less, and I have done none in over a month But even after forgiving him things are very hard, he has become the person I always wanted him to be, but it doesn't seem enough. So much of my life was involved in this one horrible blow. My boyfriend and best friend, how do I deal with that? I have gone through photo albums, which are supposed to be happy memories, but whenever I see one with her in it all I think of is them together. This girl lives next door to my mother; I have to drive passed her house every time I visit my mom. My daughter plays with her little brother; we work for the same company. The amount of betrayal at times is still overwhelming, I hate him still sometimes, and I hate her still all the time. I would never have guessed she would do this to me or that he would for that matter. I know I would have moved much further by this time if it wasn't with my best friend. I know this because; the anger is about the two of them, not just the affair. I am angered with her, because she refused responsibility for her actions. She shoved the blame to him, he started it, she wanted to tell me, and she wanted to end it. The fact is that she is the one who drove to my house to meet up with him. If she wanted to tell me she would have. If she wanted it to end, she would have stopped calling him, and stopped coming over to my house when I was not home I know they are both to blame, he knows what he did, and he accepted responsibility for the part he played, he never once shifted blame to her, nor did he pretend he did not have control over his actions. But what makes me hate her so, is that she blamed him, and at one point even referred to herself as a victim of the situation. I don't know where to really go from here, should I erase her from my life, get rid of all pictures with her, or is there another way to deal with the anger? I have decided to stay with him, it was the first and only time he cheated, and if it can be the last I may be able to stay with him for good. Although I still cannot guarantee that to him, I can only say what will happen each day. If anybody can help, please do, I am lost.
porter218 Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I understand it may be easier to blame her because you are not in a relationship with her but you need to shift half of that blame if not more back to him. They are both wrong. I am soo sorry you have to go through such a personal attack from 2 people you loved. Were you having other problems with your bf, I think 11years and a kid is a lot to go through with out marriage. (not saying you should marry him anytime soon given what has just happened). You and your bf need to go to counseling both together and individually. You sound like your relationship will survive this ordeal, just make him put in the much needed work.
Author parisred Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I understand it may be easier to blame her because you are not in a relationship with her but you need to shift half of that blame if not more back to him. They are both wrong. I am soo sorry you have to go through such a personal attack from 2 people you loved. Were you having other problems with your bf, I think 11years and a kid is a lot to go through with out marriage. (not saying you should marry him anytime soon given what has just happened). You and your bf need to go to counseling both together and individually. You sound like your relationship will survive this ordeal, just make him put in the much needed work. Thank you for your thoughts, I did blame him, I think because he has taken the steps at this point, my anger with him has lessend, she is not the same though. It seems those feelings really come across in the post. It is not that I don't blame him as much as her, but that he took a different aproach when confronted with the lies. We had financial problems just before, we did fight a lot, but I didn't think it would go that place. I thought maybe we would split up, but not that he would cheat. I mean 9 years I thought I was safe, because he had never done it, but it seems there is no time to be safe from that kind of thing. The reason we are not married is that I do not think marriage is something I want to do, with him or anyone else. I have seen too many messy divorces, and if you don't marry you won't have to go through it. I started therapy but found it was not something I really wanted after a couple of months. The therapist decided to start with just me because of the cutting, and later work on us. But I never made it to that point, I just didn't feel it was where I should be.
Author parisred Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 again I really do thank you for taking the time to give your thoughts on my situation. It is sometimes hard to find people that can look at the whole picture and be objective.
Owl Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I don't mean this to sound harsh... But honestly, it doesn't sound like EITHER of you are ready for a committed relationship. He's cheated, clearly got issues. You're indicating that you've got a history of illness (cutting), nor do you see yourself marrying this guy. I say that its probably best if you just ended it completely with him. Cheating during the early parts of a relationship (the "honeymoon", if you will) is a VERY BAD OMEN. If he does it now, when things are supposed to be at their best...the odds are very high that he'll do it again, when things aren't nearly as exciting and fun. When there's a kid, bills, etc.... The whole "boyfriend" idea is really just a trial run for a longer term relationship anyway...which is something you've indicated you're not ready for at this time. Honestly...end the relationship, let yourself heal, get help for your own issues. Don't stay involved with someone else who's got their own whole mess to bring to the table.
Author parisred Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 I don't mean this to sound harsh... But honestly, it doesn't sound like EITHER of you are ready for a committed relationship. He's cheated, clearly got issues. You're indicating that you've got a history of illness (cutting), nor do you see yourself marrying this guy. I say that its probably best if you just ended it completely with him. Cheating during the early parts of a relationship (the "honeymoon", if you will) is a VERY BAD OMEN. If he does it now, when things are supposed to be at their best...the odds are very high that he'll do it again, when things aren't nearly as exciting and fun. When there's a kid, bills, etc.... The whole "boyfriend" idea is really just a trial run for a longer term relationship anyway...which is something you've indicated you're not ready for at this time. Honestly...end the relationship, let yourself heal, get help for your own issues. Don't stay involved with someone else who's got their own whole mess to bring to the table. Thank you for your blunt honesty, sometimes people do need it. Well I would not say we at the honeymoon stage at all, we have a daughter, 8 years old, we have lived together for about 7 years. I do not want to be married, divorces are messy, and things like this happen sometimes, and if I had ended it being married would have been a lot worse. no one in my life besides him has ever known I cut, nor will they ever. I do not see it as something of strength, but of weakness. I don't know if knowing the exact status of things in my life will change your opinion, but I needed to clear up that I am in no way in a short term realtionship, we have been together for longer than most people that are married. I don't know if I made the right choice, but I do know that if I didn't I will know eventually.
Lookingforward Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I don't mean this to sound harsh... But honestly, it doesn't sound like EITHER of you are ready for a committed relationship. He's cheated, clearly got issues. You're indicating that you've got a history of illness (cutting), nor do you see yourself marrying this guy. I say that its probably best if you just ended it completely with him. Cheating during the early parts of a relationship (the "honeymoon", if you will) is a VERY BAD OMEN. If he does it now, when things are supposed to be at their best...the odds are very high that he'll do it again, when things aren't nearly as exciting and fun. When there's a kid, bills, etc.... The whole "boyfriend" idea is really just a trial run for a longer term relationship anyway...which is something you've indicated you're not ready for at this time. Honestly...end the relationship, let yourself heal, get help for your own issues. Don't stay involved with someone else who's got their own whole mess to bring to the table. Huh? Owl, they've been together ELEVEN years and they already have a child...........
Owl Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Fair enough...given the length of time you've been together, along with having a child...I'd give you the same advice I'd give someone who was married. Counseling. Marriage counseling with a qualified counselor who clearly understands the damage done by infidelity, and can help the two of you come up with a good game plan to work through the emotional damage and help you reconcile and rebuild your relationship. Individual counseling...for you at least. Cutting is MAJOR business...you need treatment. Its a huge indicator of all kinds of emotional trauma/stressors/etc...and if that's all NOT dealt with, there's no way you're going to be able to be the partner he needs in a relationship. And you're not going to be the mother you need to be for your daughter. I can't stress that enough...YOU NEED THIS. For the cheating part...you can also look up a couple of good books..."Surviving an Affair" is a good place to start. As far as whether or not you decide to let your "best friend" back in your life or not...that's up to you. I wouldn't. Most BS's clearly recognize the risk of the other person having ANY contact with their prior affair partner...its a HUGE risk your relationship with him. What VALUE is there in continuing a relationship with her? Make sense?
Owl Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 Huh? Owl, they've been together ELEVEN years and they already have a child........... She just clarified that for me...thanks tho. Sometimes these eyes don't catch everything anymore...LOL!
Amiss Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 You must be going through hell now. Please don't believe that this was bound to happen because you were not married-marriage isn't for everyone and eleven years isn't a meaningless , short term relationship! I don't think you should stay with him , it wasn't just a one off and it looks like he might be bored and looking for a way out. How can you trust a man that had an affair with your best friend AND continued hanging out with her and messaging her? It is now August so i'm guessing the pain isn't getting any easier? You say therapy wasn't for you ,but you need to find a better a way of coping when stress happens , you know cutting yourself is a bad idea. Do you not have any other friends who can support you? What about your mum? You have been betrayed by the two most important people in your life (besides your daughter)
Amiss Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I agree with Owl -Don't let your "best friend" back into your life . A good friend is hard to find but she wasn't a good friend
Lookingforward Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 While after the amount of time you've invested in the R I might try to work the R out, I would be kicking the so called bff to the curb pronto - no ifs buts or maybes and I would expect him to go total NC with her as well.
bish Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 I don't know where to really go from here, should I erase her from my life, get rid of all pictures with her, or is there another way to deal with the anger? I have decided to stay with him Well it makes no sense to dump your friendship with her if you are going to keep him. they both betrayed you equally. I say dump both of them. She is no friend at all, and he is a cheating SOB. it was the first and only time he cheated so? and if it can be the last I may be able to stay with him for good. So if this is your mindset, then why not give your "friend" the same courtesy?
Author parisred Posted August 4, 2008 Author Posted August 4, 2008 You must be going through hell now. Please don't believe that this was bound to happen because you were not married-marriage isn't for everyone and eleven years isn't a meaningless , short term relationship! I don't think you should stay with him , it wasn't just a one off and it looks like he might be bored and looking for a way out. How can you trust a man that had an affair with your best friend AND continued hanging out with her and messaging her? It is now August so i'm guessing the pain isn't getting any easier? You say therapy wasn't for you ,but you need to find a better a way of coping when stress happens , you know cutting yourself is a bad idea. Do you not have any other friends who can support you? What about your mum? You have been betrayed by the two most important people in your life (besides your daughter) I do have other friends but I am not in nature a trusting person, so I do not like to discuss it very much with them. It took many years for me to form a real friendship with that girl, I don't really get very close to people. My mom is hard to talk to about it, because she has bigger problems than I do, my father was a horrible husband, and now wants her to pay him for the time they were married. He was abusive, an addict, and an adulterer many times over. He spent many years in prison, and when released she re-married him against all of our wishes. I do not have contact with him and have not for years. But because of this I find it hard to burden her with my problems as well. You may be right about him trying to find a way out, I am not sure though. He has exclaimed that he wants to be with me forever since, and that he never realized what he had to lose until it was almost gone. I don't know what to believe for sure, I can only make sure if it ever happens again I will have the strength to leave. I have tried to dettach slightly from him, not fully, but enough that I can be independent. I do not want to be stuck just because I relied too much on him. The thing is I really suprised myself because I did not think I would have given him the second chance that I did. Things are different when staring you in the face I guess. Thanks
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2008 Posted August 4, 2008 He betrayed you in the worst way - A double betrayal! They both are at fault. YOU decide if he is worthy of a chance to prove himself to you. To prove his trust, loyality, regain your respect and faith in him again. Don't let him bully you! This man broke his vows with your BF. Oh and she should be out of your life, she's no friend! Anyway, you're alot stronger than you know, so don't let fears of the unknown, being alone prevent you from making a decision. If you want to work through this, do it for the right reasons, not because you feel you can't survive without him. You CAN survive without him, and you'd probably thrive and grow more without him than with him.
porter218 Posted August 5, 2008 Posted August 5, 2008 My mom is hard to talk to about it, because she has bigger problems than I do, my father was a horrible husband, and now wants her to pay him for the time they were married. He was abusive, an addict, and an adulterer many times over. He spent many years in prison, and when released she re-married him against all of our wishes. I do not have contact with him and have not for years. But because of this I find it hard to burden her with my problems as well. This makes your mom the very person you need to turn to. I think you would really benefit from talking a little about this problem with her. And as far as you never wanting to get married...I fully understand. If my marriage doesn't work out or recover from my Hs A, I will be thinking the same as you. But I can't help but wonder if your bf truly and fully feels the same about M as you do?? Or is he just hoping one day he will be able to change your mind? If he wanted to get married and felt like you have taken that option away from him I see where the discord may have stemmed from .... just a thought.
Author parisred Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 So if this is your mindset, then why not give your "friend" the same courtesy? I really had to choose one, I really didn't have the strength to cut out both, so I chose one. I relied more on him than her, so it was a selfish choice on my part. I know you are right about neither being worth the time, but for some reason I am still here.
Author parisred Posted August 5, 2008 Author Posted August 5, 2008 And as far as you never wanting to get married...I fully understand. If my marriage doesn't work out or recover from my Hs A, I will be thinking the same as you. But I can't help but wonder if your bf truly and fully feels the same about M as you do?? Or is he just hoping one day he will be able to change your mind? If he wanted to get married and felt like you have taken that option away from him I see where the discord may have stemmed from .... just a thought. He has as far as I know always agreed with me on the topic of marriage, we never spoke of getting married, but simply each have told people that it is not for us. Maybe you are right though, maybe he just says things like that to make me happy, and avoid confrontation about it.
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