Going too far?

[maddy1102]

I work overnights at a hotel. I am single-well sort of. Legally, I am married, but my husband took off over a year ago and I haven't been able to track him down in order to finalize the divorce. Because of that situation I'm pretty turned off to dating and quite gun shy of anything serious. My question is merely that-a question.

 

Working overnights at the hotel, I have gained a relationship with a few of the overnight police officers who patrol the area. There used to be two or three that would stop by at least once a week to shoot the wind with me and just generally see how things are going. One in particular, who's name is Matt-or that's what we'll call him-started in coming in pretty regularily and as he did, the others started to come in less and less. Matt is married, he's been with his wife since right after high school and now he's 28. I've never met his wife, but I've seen pictures and heard stories.

 

What is concerning to me is that Matt is starting to frequent this hotel more and more and our friendship is starting to blossom outside of work too. I work Sundays through Thursday nights and he stops in everynight he works-sometimes for the majority of his shift. Over the last two weeks he's come in shortly after my shift started, and didn't leave until right before it ended-and he wasn't scheduled to work. His reasoning (at the time I understood) was because he worked overnight the next night and needed to snap back into the schedule of being awake at night and asleep in the day.

 

We've seen a movie together outside of work, while his wife was working, and I've gone on a civilian ride along with him during one of my off nights. We also have plans to go to the shooting range together so he can teach me to shoot a gun. None of these activities have ever involved his spouse. He's spoken fondly of her and tells me stories of how they met and how they plan on making a family soon. But what struck me as odd was the message I got from him on MySpace advising me to not tell the other cops (who used to stop in, but are now nowhere to be found) that he had been coming in on his nights off. I dismissed it.

 

But now I have four other male friends whom I work with that are all advising me to beware of this situation. It wasn't until outsiders mentioned it that I really began to look at this whole thing. Being a guy's girl, I'm pretty dumb to any attention from the opposite sex, so I never really thought much of it-just figured its two friends hanging out, and I really enjoy his company. And just last week, Matt started talking about problems within the marriage-although they seemed pretty silly and later that week he mentioned how the problems seemed to have fixed themselves.

 

So my question is (after all that) is does this sound fishy to anyone else? Should I be concerned? I am pretty married to my convictions and never had thought myself capable of being the other woman. And on top of that, not really interested in putting myself in the middle of a relationship that will go nowhere. But putting all that aside, his friendship really does mean a lot to me (and should we both be in the position, I would date him without question) and I don't want to pull away from him, and loose him altogether all because I'm paranoid.

 

So if you could offer your advice, or opinion that would be so very appreciated! And thanks for reading! I know, I can be pretty long winded.

[Mr. Lucky]

I work Sundays through Thursday nights and he stops in everynight he works-sometimes for the majority of his shift.

Wouldn't this alone be enough to question this guy's integrity? He's getting paid to do a job and yet he's spending the majority of his shift chatting you up?

 

If you were indeed just one of his buddies, he'd be inviting over to his house to have dinner with him and the little woman. The truth is, he knows that what he's doing is wrong and that's why he's asking you not to tell the other officers how often he comes in. And you know what you're doing is wrong and that's why you're posting here. You already are the Other Woman - time to the right thing and stop seeing him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[quankanne]

sounds like he's in the throes of an emotional affair with you, though you probably see the relationship in a whole other light. The red flags are that he's asking you to not say anything to his colleagues, and if pushed, to his wife.

 

as much as you appreciate his friendship, the smart thing to do would be pull away, because you really don't need to get tangled up in an affair (emotional or otherwise) and because you just don't sound like the kind of gal who'd do that to another person ...

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I agree with your friends. Especially since your still technically married and that you know that he is married. Sometimes before you find yourself in hot water, the best bet is to leave things alone. But, first you may want to let him know how you feel and that your not interested. If that doesn't work, let him know you can't be friends with him because he makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

Now, I am more concerned with your missing husband. If you are still legally married, what does the law where you live let you do if you can't serve a spouse divorce papers and you don't want to be married to him any more? You need to find out before you start any kind of intimate relationship with someone else.

 

 

DNR

[Lookingforward]

Wouldn't this alone be enough to question this guy's integrity? He's getting paid to do a job and yet he's spending the majority of his shift chatting you up?

 

If you were indeed just one of his buddies, he'd be inviting over to his house to have dinner with him and the little woman. The truth is, he knows that what he's doing is wrong and that's why he's asking you not to tell the other officers how often he comes in. And you know what you're doing is wrong and that's why you're posting here. You already are the Other Woman - time to the right thing and stop seeing him...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He's not the only one that's being paid to do a job but spends the time chatting..........

 

OP, don't you have duties to perform in that overnight job too ?

[Lucky_One]

Cops are legendary for affairs.

 

Sounds like he's grooming you.

[orangesean]

OP, don't you have duties to perform in that overnight job too ?

 

Haha that's funny, I used to work the evening shift at a hotel 5 days a week through a time in college and I hardly had duties to perform even as it was... Certainly got a lot of reading and homework done.

 

But I agree with everyone here and it sounds like you should already know the answer since you posted here. But steer clear of him since this will lead to an emotional affair or more with you being the other woman.

 

Also his friendship shouldn't be valued because that is really a long time for a married man to be hanging around the opposite sex and probably not letting his wife know about any of it.

 

You might just like the attention, or I'm not sure how long you usually hang around guy friends normally in an unmarried type situation, but I think it's just something you have to give up.

[Zofia]

Ditto what everyone said. If you still think you (and we) are just being paranoid, ask to hang out with him and his wife instead of just him. All have a nice lunch or dinner together. Tell him you'd love to make more female friends. See how he reacts.

 

Though honestly, it's not necessary. He has definitely overstepped the boundaries of his marriage, and it's up to you to question whether you need to be involved with someone like that, even if it's supposedly innocent friendship from your end.

[luna3]

i agree with the statement that he's grooming you.

 

especially with the info that when he started becoming "regular", those other cops backed off. they know what's up, and his instructions not to tell them are simply so they don't have proof to razz him with.

 

a big flag is his telling you about his relationship problems. sounds like he was hoping for the comforting, sympathy come-on and you didn't go for it.