Platonic Friend or Emotional Affair

[lint]

I am new at this site because I was searching for answers on a platonic friendship versus emotional affair. My husband of 20 years met a woman at a conference. A week later I had found several emails from her to my husband. I printed the emails off & presented them to him. He was remorse about the situation & this rocked my world. This woman declared her love to him. He did email her & sent her a love song. I asked him to end it & said he would to find out that he never did. I found a pre-paid phone card & called to find out the times he called. I called him on his lies because he claimed that he had no contact with her for over 2 weeks when he ended it the 2nd time. He told me yesterday that he ended it for good but I do not believe him because the phone card balance was transferred to a new account. I don't even want to present this news to him. I tried to walk out & he told me to not come back without divorce papers. I told him okay and proceeded to leave. He started crying very hard & told me that I broke his heart & he was not about to have me break my children's hearts as well & that he didn't want to be the one to clean up the mess that I would leave behind.

 

I know that I have had him under a microscope the past couple of years because this is not the first time that he couldn't leave a woman friend. He has tossed my feelings aside again. I told him that maybe he wants the marriage to end but afraid to pull the trigger & that I would be happy to do so because I am basically tired of looking behind my shoulder. If he pursues this other woman he just met so hard he has to have some feeling for her than just a platonic relationship as he refers to it.

 

I am at a loss because I love him but I don't trust him. I am seeing a counselor and he refuses to seek help for himself.

 

Someone please explain to me the difference between a platonic friendship versus an emotional affair.

 

thank you in advance for any advice.

[Guest]

In my opinion... a platonic friendship is one you don't feel the need to hide or lie about.

 

If you have to lie about a "friend" of the opposite sex then there's something bigger going on.

 

That's just my opinion.

[Curt]

He started crying very hard & told me that I broke his heart & he was not about to have me break my children's hearts as well & that he didn't want to be the one to clean up the mess that I would leave behind.

 

WHAT!!!!

 

[color=red]YOU BROKE HIS HEART!!!!

 

YOU WERE TO BREAK YOUR KIDS' HEARTS!!!!

 

HE DIDN'T WANT TO CLEAN UP YOUR MESS!!!![/COLOR]

 

Well, well, well. This guy is a piece of work!

 

He's shrewd if he even has you believing such tripe!!!

 

What does he think he's doing to you and his kids by having an affair with another woman???

 

You're supposed to be the one who's doing all the evil here ?

 

My Opinion:

 

Serve him with divorce papers and leave...and take the big fool for whatever you can get legally. Let him own the trouble which he has made HIMSELF. You didn't do it. He did. Make him take responsibility for that.

 

Again, that is my opinion only.

 

Sheesh!

 

Curt

[lint]

Well I know the difference between the 2 and trying to explain it to my guy will be harder. He just feels that since nothing physical is happening, it is a platonic relationship. And he is tired of being accused of having an affair without the "benefits."

 

I'm tired of his lying and since divorce is not an option because of my children, I will make the best of it & go for a 5 year plan to get all my affairs in order and when my youngest graduates from school, then leave. And who knows, just maybe things will get better, but in the meantime, I'm just going to live my life like he's just a roommate.

 

any advice???

[midori]

I'm a bit curious as to why divorce is not OK now, when your children are adolsecents (I'm assuming based on your last post), but it will be in five years' time when they have moved out. Just curious because it seems to me that older kids know very well when their parents aren't getting along, and a constantly tense household is not a pleasant place for anyone.

 

And while I commend you for trying to devise a way forward for yourself I question whether it's going to work. Clearly your husband lies, plays passive-aggressive games, and does not hesitate to manipulate you. Do you think he's going to go along with your roommate plan? He contends he has done nothing wrong, nothing to threaten the marriage. I rather doubt he's going to happily move into another bedroom or accept a demoted relationship with you.

 

When you think about it, treating your husband like a "roommate" for five years while you suffer through the marriage like a martyr until the kids leave is itself quite passive aggressive.

 

I think you ought to reconsider your choice to stay "for the kids' sake." I'll bet your kids would rather have two sane parents who are able to be there for them and support them than two fighting parents whose resentment toward each other taints all family interactions.

 

The situation is intolerable. Your husband is romancing another woman, giving his time and attention to her.

 

If you are determined to stay in the marriage for the next few years, maybe you and your husband should try to get some marriage counseling, possibly in conjunction with individual therapy. Things seem to have gone off-track for the two of you. You need to get this sorted out. I just don't see any point in stayng in a relationship if you've already bailed out of it in your mind. You just prolong the agony for yourself and all those around you. Seems to me that if you're going to stay it should only be because you're actively trying to make it work.

 

If your husband refuses to acknowledge the problem, and refuses to go to counseling, I don't know what alternative there is to separating from him.

 

Good luck.

[lint]

I am currently going to counseling for depression. I just recently told him that I have been seeing a counselor again. I was going last year and was really making progress up until I found his friend's emails. I never told him the 1st time I was in counseling because I knew he wouldn't have the patience for it. I told him I was in counseling and that this isn't the 1st time. He was surprised & promised that all communications would stop. Unfortunately I found his phone card & confronted him about it & caught him in his lies.

 

He refuses to go to counseling period. He wishes for me to discontinue as it makes him uncomfortable. The more probing the counselor does, the more probing I do. I only want him to tell me the truth so I can put this all behind me. I can't seem to get him to understand that once I know the truth then maybe we can let it die. It's all the unknown that keeps haunting me. He tells me that he loves me & only me, and that I'm number one and there are no numbers 2,3, or 4. I just can't seem to believe him.

 

He made a request that he would like his old wife back, "the fun loving, trusting wife" who had no restrictions. He would like to be able to call his friend up without having to sneak behind my back to do so.

 

If I don't ask questions we get along great. I love my husband & resent him at the same time. And the resentment is growing faster than the love I currently have for him.

 

Do I stop the questions & fake happiness or do I push his buttons & get the answers I'm searching for?

[ThisGirlNameKD]

An emotional affair is when you develop romantic feelings or romantic interest for someone other than your mate, but it had not gotten sexual yet. I say that because a physical affair can start off as emotional affair. It can also be when you feel emotionally closer to another person other than your mate. He's writing her on the sly and calling her on the sly and sending her a love song, and turn around and basically say he's all about you? It sounds like he likes the romantic attention from other women without wanting to take it further, because he's trying his darnest to hold on to you. Don't let him blame you for any hurt caused by you walking out on him. He's just laying a guilt trip on you by throwing in the kids. As his wife you have the right to be the only one who receives romantic attention from him and if you are not, you have serious grounds to walk away. You really don't need anything more to be depressed about.

[Bubbles]

lint,

 

I have a question for you and you don't have to answer if you don't to......when you and your s/o initially got together, were you a jealous girl? Did you tell him flat out that you were not the "jealous" kind? did he have female friends in the past and you didn't have a problem with this? Is it possible that your views on how he conducts his life changed now because you have children?

 

It has been my experience that many of us women "say' that we are not jealous but in actuality WE ARE and we just don't want to admit it....and why should we? No-body wants to have a relationship with someone who is jealous. I hate to say this hon, but it sounds as though your s/o has been messing around on you for a long time and your're just finding out now. He sounds as though he is miserable with himself and wants to find a way to be happy. Unfortunatly men only want to make their wangs happy not their hearts or brains......they only think about that after it's too late.

 

Good luck - you're going to need it!

 

Bubbles

[lint]

Bubbles: I will answer your question. I was not the jealous type of girl and had always trusted him. He had always had female friends as well as myself having guy friends. My views had changed 2 years ago when a friend of his had a heart attack. She needed to lose at least 50 lbs to get herself into this machine to help determine the cause of her heart attack. Well he informed me that he was going to try & help motivate this person in losing weight. I didn't mind because he was up front. Well this person had a friend (I had known her for quite awhile) who was also trying to help this person to lose weight. My husband had always told me where they were, which resturaunt they were going to eat at, etc... There were actually 3 women & my husband. It stopped being funny when this heart attack victim started calling Friday evenings asking my husband what he was up to. And then the sneaking around came about & they took me out of the loop. I was under the impression that the heart attack victim was setting my husband up with her friend. She would always make comments such as: "Sometimes I feel like I'm just a chaperone". I know she was trying to get my goat, but my husband never protected my feelings. He's aware of my feelings but just wants his old wife back. So I basically lost trust in him when he went behind my back to hide all their get togethers...

[Curt]

Bubbles said:

 

Unfortunatly men only want to make their wangs happy not their hearts or brains......they only think about that after it's too late.

 

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a gross generalization, and untrue to boot. I am a man, and my heart and mind being happy and fulfilled take immediate precedence over making my "wang" happy, as Bubbles so poignantly put it.

 

As far as lint's situation goes, the how's and why's are almost irrelevant, as the marriage has been severely compromised, he doesn't want to change, and wants his wife to accept the continued infidelity. Just say nothin'...and we'll be happy dear.

 

What a crock!

 

I'm a man, and I see this guy's feelings toward his marriage as so bass-ackwards that he is almost unfathomable.

 

If your kids were old enough & knew what was going on, I'm pretty sure they'd see why you would need to leave now. Kids know right from wrong too.

 

I bid you strength.

 

Curt

[Bubbles]

Hi lint,

 

OMG, so what you are telling me is that he took your trust and completely squashed it.....that's not fair, not fair at all. I used to have a saying...."what I give to you - I expect in return" or in other words, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. In this case it looks like the gander is making his own rules as he goes along. I think your husband should conduct himself as though you are with him (beside him) at all times and if can't do that then he needs to leave the relationship and persue his female friends on his own time not his families time! Shame on him! He has gone out of bounds and you my dear do not have to accept this behavior.

 

To curt: I beleive that when someone makes a comment on this board it is for the most part "a generalization" don't take things so personnally, I did not direct my comment to you.....please don't react like I did. Most of my life lessons, beleive it or not have come from my Father whom I love and respect. He taught me that I should never expect a man to think like a woman does - us women tend to over-think things. Sorry if I insulted you.

 

lint, good luck hon this will be a long road of recovery for you. Take strength from your childrens love - it will keep you strong ( beleive me I know first hand)

 

Bubbles

[joidevive]

Just want to let you know that I am not married, but going through the same thing with my boyfriend, who communicates with his exgirlfriend on a daily basis 6-8 times a day. I'm letting you know that although your man claims to end the communication, I've been hearing that for the past year. It does not stop. I'm sorry that you have to go through this forum just as I have, but the truth is He does Not deserve you. And You do NOT deserve the love that he has to give. Ask him why he thinks that you deserve the kind of love that he gives. Then if there is no explanation ask him can you communicate with someone you meet in public, just as friends. More than likely your answer from him will be no. Then regard him as having double standards, what is good for the goose can also be good for the gander. Keep your head up. God will never give you more than you can bear.

[lint]

Well I thank everyone for their advice and realize that there is alot of sadness in this world. My heart goes out to you all. I took all the advice that was given to me & my counselor's advice (he told me to leave him) & presented this information to my husband. We had a 2+ hour conversation & told him what I would like to see in my world if he wanted to stay married. I told him that I have more resentment towards him than love for him at this moment. He wanted me to stop because it made him feel guilty & I told him that the guilty always finds the truth to be hard.

 

I called his latest friend & told her to back off & stop communication with my husband or else I would have no problem sharing their emails (which I printed off & kept) with her husband. Of course she told me that she was happily married & that I have nothing to worry about. My response was that if she was happily married, she would not be telling my husband how much love she has for my husband. She kept telling me how sorry she was & that I have nothing to worry about because she is 2000 miles away. I asked her again what she did not understand & if she wanted me to share those emails. Of course she didn't so we'll just have to wait & see if she tells my husband that I made that request.

 

I love my husband but I don't trust him at the moment. I know the Lord gives us trials in life to shape our personality & build character. After reading several people's plights, I realize I have a longer road ahead of me. Sometimes I just wonder if it's all worth it at the end????