Roommate Vanishes...

[ARDriver01]

Three of us live in one of my parents houses; my girlfriend, my roommate and myself. I'm acting as property manager and maintainer for house that's currently undergoing a big renovation.

 

My roommate is an alcoholic and frequent scrip-addict, depressed musician. We've been friends for about 12yrs. I know how it is when you're crazy and I was married to crazy for four years. We've talked about his issues. I've told him to slow down on many occasions in a way that he respects. I'm not dumb when it comes to dealing with addicts.

 

So, on Friday night, we had a party (I'm not running a sober living home) my roommate is in his room all the time. I knock on the door to see if he's alright, I comment on how his guitar looks really nice alone against the wall "The lone guitar" I said, and he's like "Yeah... You want it?" I said "Wha... No man, uh you want to go have a smoke and talk about stuff?" and he came outside and I told him how his behavior was scaring me, and if there was anything I could do, asked him what his plans were for the evening and stuff...

 

An hour later, he proceeded to shave his head. He slept all of the following day. He came out of his room for a few minutes and then went back in.

 

Sunday: We finshed our backyard work on the house and enjoyed the pool and sun. My roommates dad came over and demanded to see his son. I was calm and invited him in, I proceeded to his room and he wasn't there. His car was in the driveway. I told him his son wasn't here, and he looked as if I was lying to him and he was really upset with me. Not yelling, just the look in his eye. Like I was irresponsible.

 

I've been really busy working full time and coming home and painting, cleaning, building etc... I had no idea he wasn't home. I do tend to wake him up if it's oddly late and invite him to hang out with us. I just don't know where he could have gone. By now, his phone is dead and nobody knows where he is.

 

I really don't know how to deal with this one. When somebody is doing radical things to get attention, I usually chalk it up to "You're doing crazy stuff, you're awesome". I don't buy into it anymore. My Xwife Xhausted me on that sh**. I try to talk and offer help and if they're not willing to talk with me then, well, eff-you. All you can do is be someones friend. If they decide to be self destructive, the best thing you can do is jump in and help and then quickly detache yourself from it.

 

In my dealings, if you show that you're concerned all the time and always answer when someone is being wierd, they'll consume you with it. I think maybe that's why he left... Maybe he felt as if no-one cared enough....

 

Now I have to file a missing persons report, they're going to raid my house and ask all kinds of questions, inform me of stuff about my friends addictive history and try to paint me out to be the negligent 25yr old who let is friend dissappear. So now what... He'll probably come back after all this has occured and everyone will be pissed off and that will make him even more unstable... UUhhggg.

[vintagecat]

Well it could all come out like you suspect, it could be a drama scene or the guy could have taken some drastic action and won't ever be back. Is shaving his head normal behavior or is that out of the box even for him? Generally there is a trend of people giving away possessions before committing suicide so this might be a possibility worth considering.

 

You don't say what the arrangement was with your roommate but in general, he is an adult and unless he is committed to an institution, he can't be watched 24/7. Also an adult does not have to check in or out with people that are essentially strangers that bunk together in a house though it is courteous to do so.

 

His father has no right to expect familial levels of responsibility from housemates and I'm curious as to why the father wouldn't file the missing persons report and take over the search after getting the information from you? That in itself seems odd to me.

 

Good luck with this. Could be messy.

[BeckyLee]

Wow, this is a heavy situation. It sounds like you were trying to be a good friend, but he may need some professional help to work through his substance abuse and depression. If you see him again, tell him that you care about his well-being and that you support him getting help.

[Meaplus3]

Three of us live in one of my parents houses; my girlfriend, my roommate and myself. I'm acting as property manager and maintainer for house that's currently undergoing a big renovation.

 

My roommate is an alcoholic and frequent scrip-addict, depressed musician. We've been friends for about 12yrs. I know how it is when you're crazy and I was married to crazy for four years. We've talked about his issues. I've told him to slow down on many occasions in a way that he respects. I'm not dumb when it comes to dealing with addicts.

 

So, on Friday night, we had a party (I'm not running a sober living home) my roommate is in his room all the time. I knock on the door to see if he's alright, I comment on how his guitar looks really nice alone against the wall "The lone guitar" I said, and he's like "Yeah... You want it?" I said "Wha... No man, uh you want to go have a smoke and talk about stuff?" and he came outside and I told him how his behavior was scaring me, and if there was anything I could do, asked him what his plans were for the evening and stuff...

 

An hour later, he proceeded to shave his head. He slept all of the following day. He came out of his room for a few minutes and then went back in.

 

Sunday: We finshed our backyard work on the house and enjoyed the pool and sun. My roommates dad came over and demanded to see his son. I was calm and invited him in, I proceeded to his room and he wasn't there. His car was in the driveway. I told him his son wasn't here, and he looked as if I was lying to him and he was really upset with me. Not yelling, just the look in his eye. Like I was irresponsible.

 

I've been really busy working full time and coming home and painting, cleaning, building etc... I had no idea he wasn't home. I do tend to wake him up if it's oddly late and invite him to hang out with us. I just don't know where he could have gone. By now, his phone is dead and nobody knows where he is.

 

I really don't know how to deal with this one. When somebody is doing radical things to get attention, I usually chalk it up to "You're doing crazy stuff, you're awesome". I don't buy into it anymore. My Xwife Xhausted me on that sh**. I try to talk and offer help and if they're not willing to talk with me then, well, eff-you. All you can do is be someones friend. If they decide to be self destructive, the best thing you can do is jump in and help and then quickly detache yourself from it.

 

In my dealings, if you show that you're concerned all the time and always answer when someone is being wierd, they'll consume you with it. I think maybe that's why he left... Maybe he felt as if no-one cared enough....

 

Now I have to file a missing persons report, they're going to raid my house and ask all kinds of questions, inform me of stuff about my friends addictive history and try to paint me out to be the negligent 25yr old who let is friend dissappear. So now what... He'll probably come back after all this has occured and everyone will be pissed off and that will make him even more unstable... UUhhggg.

 

This sounds like a tough situation to be in, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Try not to blame yourself in anyway here you have been a very good friend. It sounds like he is in need of help and the sooner he realizes that the better. I hope he turns up soon is ok. Hang in there.

 

AP:)

[ARDriver01]

I asked my girlfriend yesterday, following this post if she could go grab his ID and give me all the info so that I could file a MP report. She found his ID and a suicide note.

 

The police came by and reviewed the estate. They decided to send an air unit to the hiking trail accross the street. After about four hours they found him next to a tree on his back. He's gone. He took my 357 magnum and killed himself.

 

I've lost my best friend. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. Maybe in the following days I might have some introspective thoughts on this.

 

He died at 27, which is what he wanted I suppose. What I don't get is that we had so many good times where we are at the house. Great friendship, pool parties and the swearing of eternal alligience between all of us.

 

The last few months have been the greatest times of our lives. He even expressed this to me. I guess all of his internal strife had come to a peak within the last four days prior.

 

He had expressed in his detailed letter that he had fallen back into heroin and speed addiction. That he could never be clean and that we were all normal people. He apologized at great length and wrote his final wishes.

 

He was my best friend. He was the best guy I knew. So talented and so genuine. He's my only musician friend also. No more jam sessions. No more writing. It's all over. We were so close and have helped eachother through rough times. I don't know what to do or what to feel.

 

My girlfriend and I are on the other part of town with friends now. We'll be here for a few days. My house is like a memorial and it feels cold. I was actually fine with staying. I'm sad to leave the house. My girlfriend wanted some time over on this side of town to avoid being there alone while I'm at work, and I suppose that's just fine.

 

I'm all over the place really... I just start balling randomly which I guess is good. I just don't know what to think. I feel so bad.

[whichwayisup]

I am so sorry for your loss! I feel for you and his family..That's real sad.

[zxcirce]

Oh I'm sorry ARDriver. That just really really sucks. Suicide is so hard for the survivors to deal with.

 

I'm really sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Mary3]

I am very sorry at the loss of your friend.

 

I think you did the best thing a good best friend can do. Now you can hold him in your heart , forever loved

[vintagecat]

I'm very sorry that the worst of my suspicions turned out to be fact. Your friend/roommate must have been in a lot of pain to take the action that he did. Suicide is something that I will probably never understand because tomorrow is always another day and fresh starts are possible from the darkest places. Remember that this was his decision alone and was not your fault by even with the omission of things that you wish you would have said or done. My condolences and best wishes to you and his family.

[Adunaphel]

I am really sorry about your friend, my thoughts are with you and with his family.

[Ms. Red]

Don't blame yourself. Take the emotions as they come. There is no controlling them. Let your friends embrace you through this time. I wish you well.

 

 

 

(Too much suicide around me.AAAagggrrrr!!!)

[GPFan]

I am so sorry for your loss. How tragic!

[Meaplus3]

I am so very, very sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. ((((hugs))))

 

AP:)

[Kenyth]

My condolences

 

It's not your fault.

 

 

On a side note, for future reference. It's important to secure firearms not carried on your person, in a locked container. You never know who may try to take it, or for what reasons.

[whichwayisup]

On a side note, for future reference. It's important to secure firearms not carried on your person, in a locked container. You never know who may try to take it, or for what reasons.

 

Let's not assume he left the gun laying around. This guy was his bestfriend and chances are he knew where the key was to the cabinet.

 

AD, whatever you do, don't blame yourself.

[LakesideDream]

No blame here... nobody outside of a custodial care facility can prevent another person from taking their own life. If it wasn't your revolver it would have been someone else's, or an overpass, lake, or rope.

 

At some point you will remember the good, and the pain will subside.

 

Few things are more traumatic than losing a friend to suicide. My thoughts are with you.

[Ronni_W]

AR, I am sorry to hear of your loss of your best friend. It is a blessing that you were able to share those great months with him. Nothing can take away your happy memories...may they bring comfort, and knowledge that you gave each other your best. My sympathies also to your girlfriend, for loss of her roommate, and to his family, as well.

God bless.

[Soulburn]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I remember a few years back when I felt like the only drug addict in the world. I was the only one in my circle of friends and family though. I hid my addiction any way I could and thought every day that this would be the last day and I'll stand up and do something about it. I didn't though...and the drugs themselves were putting walls up around me. The depression that drugs cause only makes matters worse. I got depressed and upset over how I was still addicted and not taking any steps to change it. It felt like the walls were closing in tighter and tighter. I also felt like everything was getting darker and there would be no end to what was happening to me. Like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Simple problems overwhelmed me in my depressed state. I could be pretty happy one day but if some problem arose that most people can handle with ease, it brought me down to my knees and I didn't know how to handle anything anymore.

 

So, I overdosed in my bathtub one morning to put a stop to the depression for good.

 

I was in that much mental and emotional pain every day. I couldn't take the walls closing in anymore.

 

This is just how addiction is and what it does to a persons mind. The pain and misery I was living with every day became torment. I really couldn't take it. Every day seeming so dark and lonely from the minute I woke up in the morning.

 

Obviously I did a bad job overdosing because I'm here writing this. I thought in the bad physical state I was in, I wouldn't have to overdose that bad to stop my breathing and get my heart to stop. I guess I was in better shape than I realized.

 

What I'm trying to say is...I wanted out THAT BAD and I think that's how your friend was feeling.

 

And, I didn't really, openly and honestly tell anyone about that battle going on inside my head every day. I always felt like screaming...but I smiled when my friends were around because I wanted to see them happy. And when my dog wagged his tail, I smiled and hugged him and at times it seemed as if I was perfectly happy. I WAS happy with my friends, my family and my dog.

 

I loved being around my friends and your friend loved being around you. He had a personal battle going on inside. From personal experience I can tell you, he's out of pain and anguish, doesn't have to fear his addiction every day anymore and is at peace.

 

His addiction did this. Drugs did this. Like someone else said, if it wasn't your gun, it would've been some other way.

 

Your friend clung onto life as long as possible BECAUSE he loved you and loved being around you. You kept him going longer than you think. Without you, he would've been gone a long time ago.

 

Do your best to always remember the good times you guys had together. Your friend loved you.

[Kenyth]

Let's not assume he left the gun laying around. This guy was his bestfriend and chances are he knew where the key was to the cabinet.

 

AD, whatever you do, don't blame yourself.

 

 

Sorry, bad timing to speak this particular thought. I didn't assume that at all. Regardless, it isn't his fault. Suicide is a completely personal choice

[ARDriver01]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I remember a few years back when I felt like the only drug addict in the world. I was the only one in my circle of friends and family though. I hid my addiction any way I could and thought every day that this would be the last day and I'll stand up and do something about it. I didn't though...and the drugs themselves were putting walls up around me. The depression that drugs cause only makes matters worse. I got depressed and upset over how I was still addicted and not taking any steps to change it. It felt like the walls were closing in tighter and tighter. I also felt like everything was getting darker and there would be no end to what was happening to me. Like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Simple problems overwhelmed me in my depressed state. I could be pretty happy one day but if some problem arose that most people can handle with ease, it brought me down to my knees and I didn't know how to handle anything anymore.

 

So, I overdosed in my bathtub one morning to put a stop to the depression for good.

 

I was in that much mental and emotional pain every day. I couldn't take the walls closing in anymore.

 

This is just how addiction is and what it does to a persons mind. The pain and misery I was living with every day became torment. I really couldn't take it. Every day seeming so dark and lonely from the minute I woke up in the morning.

 

Obviously I did a bad job overdosing because I'm here writing this. I thought in the bad physical state I was in, I wouldn't have to overdose that bad to stop my breathing and get my heart to stop. I guess I was in better shape than I realized.

 

What I'm trying to say is...I wanted out THAT BAD and I think that's how your friend was feeling.

 

And, I didn't really, openly and honestly tell anyone about that battle going on inside my head every day. I always felt like screaming...but I smiled when my friends were around because I wanted to see them happy. And when my dog wagged his tail, I smiled and hugged him and at times it seemed as if I was perfectly happy. I WAS happy with my friends, my family and my dog.

 

I loved being around my friends and your friend loved being around you. He had a personal battle going on inside. From personal experience I can tell you, he's out of pain and anguish, doesn't have to fear his addiction every day anymore and is at peace.

 

His addiction did this. Drugs did this. Like someone else said, if it wasn't your gun, it would've been some other way.

 

Your friend clung onto life as long as possible BECAUSE he loved you and loved being around you. You kept him going longer than you think. Without you, he would've been gone a long time ago.

 

Do your best to always remember the good times you guys had together. Your friend loved you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.