Cheating, photos, trying to make it work... !

[seaberry]

I am 30 years old and I have been dating my boyfriend for three years. Last summer (about a year ago) we went through a rocky patch during which I felt that he was being unfaithful. He starting spending a lot of time drinking and partying with a group of friends that I only met once, a there were a few times that he stayed out all night

 

Things got even worse when I found condoms in his car. His explanation was that he had been unhappy in the relationship for a time and bought the condoms because he had planned to cheat as a way to end things, but never followed through. He insisted that he was ready to re-commitment to the relationship and wanted to be together. I still felt as if he had been unfaithful, but I decided to give things another chance anyway.

 

Over the past year we have actually been really happy! He has made the changes that I asked for (answers his phone, always comes home, introduces me to any new friends etc) and I felt that we had recovered. These last few months have the the happiest we have ever had.

 

..Until Friday when one of his (female) party friends from this group posted some photos on them Facebook. There were a number of group photos, as a well as three photos of just the two of them. In all of the group photos they are standing together, and in a few of them he has his arms around her in a very couple-like way. From the clothes that he was wearing in the photos, I could tell that these photos we taken last summer around the time that I felt concerned. When I logged on the look at the photos again, I found that he had “untagged” himself

 

When I questioned him about the photos he insisted that there was never anything between them and refused to discuss it. Do I trust that these issues are in the past, or do I continue to pressure him for information? I am so devastated and disappointed. I don't know what to do. Help!

[Amiss]

The fact that he refuses to discuss it should set alarm bells ringing. You shouldn't have to press him for information but you have two options.

Accept his explanation that nothing happend , or tell him you are going to message the girl on Facebook for answers.

[seaberry]

I have thought about contacting her. Since they are friends I wonder if she would cover for him?

 

Has anyone else here contacted the "other woman"? Were you right? Did she fess up?

[Siphon9a]

seaberry,

 

It sounds to me like from those photos the guy doesn't respect you, your relationship, or himself. He probably doesn't know what he wants. So many times people say they care about or love someone but they go off and do stupid stuff because they don't have the moral, ethical or physical/mental being to control themselves and be true to the one they are with. It's what makes trusting people out there so hard. So many people are raised so many different ways by parents who are more confused than they are. Go find you someone with a head on their shoulders and that has the mindset of respect first for themselves and family. Then the respect for you should be a walk in the park. It's a very very very hard thing to find but it is out there. I should know, I made the mistake at a young age of walking away from that and based on what I know now, I wish to GOD I hadn't cause people out here really are a complete mess. It's just plain sad. Good luck to you and whatever choice you make, think long and hard about the consequences of it and weigh it carefully. Even if the answer is the harder one, you need for yourself, to go for it and never ever look back.

[BklynGuy]

Yes, this sounds like there are some issues between the two of you. Were any of the condoms missing? Just because you found these, doesn't mean there weren't others you didn't find. It doesn't sound good and you have to know the signs of a bad relationship and move away from it.

 

People do contact the "other" person in order to clarify things for themselves.

[seaberry]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. You are correct - the issue is greater than these photos. We have had on-going problems related to what is (and is not) ok behavior when you are in a committed relationship.

 

My boyfriend has always had a lot of female friends, some close, some casual. Actually, he just knows a lot of people in general. He goes out quite a bit – sometimes he invites me and sometimes not!

 

If he tells me it is a “boys night” I don’t feel that female “friends” should be able to stop by. I never give my phone number to any new male “friends”. I don’t stay out all night. If it is a “girls night”, then no men are there. Most of my close friends are women, and when we party, we would never invite other guys and not include our husbands and boyfriends. Am I just being really conservative on this

 

He agreed to discuss the photos – I guess some of them are fairly recent! He promised that this girl is simply a friend and that I am welcome to call her. I just feel weird that my boyfriend of three years would be in all of these chummy photos with some girl that I have never even met. I really don’t want to sound like a shrew, but I am having a real problem with this. AH!

[porter218]

seaberry, the fact that he "untagged" himself in the photo is lots of reason to be concerned. This shows that he feels like it is something he wants to hide. You really need to talk to this girl. It is very important that you use the right approach in order to get the truth from her. You will need to be very composed and calm and understanding when you talk to her. If you come off abrasive she will not feel like being honest with you. And yes I have made many of these types of phone calls, and yes they usually spill the beans.