merlin2 Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Hi there, I'd appreciate any advice from an objective point of view.I've been through hell the past two weeks and I guess I'm finding it hard to make a decision.I will try and keep this as short as possible. I met a guy back in January, we started dating, had lots in common and he was very affectionate and attentive.I discovered early on he had a close female friend he's known for 17 years.I found this hard to deal with at first and felt it would cause problems, so I tried to end the relationship.He practically begged me not to leave him and we got back together.We had a few arguments after this(fault on both sides) but we always got back together.Each time it happened I realised I really wanted to be with this person.I guess at first I was scared of getting hurt and wanted to get out before I got hurt.Anyway 2 months ago we split up for a week and a half, after he got a bit annoyed I hadn't lost weight quick enough.when we met I was carrying a bit extra and he was helping me to lose it.I felt as though he was deliberately picking an argument with me, it was so shallow.Anyway he got back in touch and said he had realised how much he really loved me.We decided to basically grow up and as we got on so well togther and the feelings were there, we'd give it a go.I finally let the barriers down and we were all set to go on a trip for a few days 2 weeks ago. To cut to the chase he left his phone at mine after theweekend together.He was always kinda secretive with his phone but I was never tempted to look before.I never expected to find anything. I discovered he was was keeping in contact with two women, both of whom he'd met early on in our relationship when things were rocky.One of them was a lot older,obviously smitten and he was texting her and phoning her when we weren't together.His weekends with me etc hadn't changed so I knew she wasn't that important to him as such.He was using her basically and she was willing to take that.I phoned her and she told me she only met him once(which I know isnt true). I confronted him and basically he blamed me(our arguments at the begining).he said he was waiting to see if our relationship got on steaady ground before cutting off contact with her. I told him not matter what happened there was no way he could justify doing what he did, and if hed been unhappy with me he should have walked away.Instead I was left devasated this person I trusted was being so deceitful while i was finally starting to trust him. I find this hard to figure out.it was only a seven month relationship, and for four months he has been cheating.I do understand I was hard work at times with my trust, getting emotionally attached etc until recently, but do I write him off or give him the benefit of the doubt? We met up and he seems very remorseful, talking about us eventually moving in together, its me he wants, all that stuff.I am still not sure if he might keep in touch with this woman.she phoned him after I spoke to her and I guess she thought he might be single and up for a full relationship with her.He swears he told her he was going to try and sort out things with me, even told me to phone her to make sure(i declined of course).If I dont beleive him, whats the point of going on?Part of me thinks I should stick by my principles, part of me thinks there was some mitigating circumstances and although he wasnt right to do what he did, I do feel he was just weak and wanted someone to comfort him if we split up again.Can anyone please offer me an opinion, many thanks Link to post Share on other sites
LoyalGirl Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 RUN... don't walk away! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 If the two of you had agreed to a committed relationship...and he's cheated ALREADY, this far into the relationship...then dump him like a load of dirty underwear. If he's cheating now, the odds of his cheating later on when the relationship isn't so new and wonderful are pretty high. Dating is kind of the "trial run" for a longer term relationship for many people. He's failed the trial run. Now...the other side of the coin is this...many people don't consider "dating" the same as "exclusive"...so by that standard, he's not done anything wrong. It all depends on what agreemant the two of you had, really. Personally...I'd end it. No reason to try to build a longer term relationship with someone who cares that little about YOUR feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merlin2 Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 thanks for your messages.You're right, if he can do this so early on in our relationship, it doesn't bode well for the future.I'm looking for a best friend in a lover and I know he isn't it if he could do that to me.He's not a boy, hes in his early 40s, so it's not a case of being immature.I guess I'm not that strong right now, but deep down I know I will have to let him go.I have ended relationships for much less. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Do NOT take him back. He has serious control issues and is a big jerk! Think ahead, not in the heat of the moment. This guy got MAD that you didn't lose enough weight to suit him. WTF - Doesn't that make your blood boil? Who is HE to put a time limit on that? Yeah, imagine your life 10 years from now with him once the honeymoon phase ends. You'll be left with a guy who is a controller, probably an emotional abuser too, as well as a cheater. Stay strong and put yourself first. You want a bestfriend, a lover, someone to share your life with - IT IS NOT HIM. Don't let your feelings or lust get in the way of seeing who he really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merlin2 Posted August 4, 2008 Author Share Posted August 4, 2008 The weight argument came out of the blue, as he knows i'm very opinionated and would tell him to take a hike-which I did.It just seemed very out of character, and looking back, I felt at the time he was picking an argument for some reason.I know now, he had already started contacting this woman, and maybe he was trying to justify going to see her that week-My reaction, us splitting up, I just knew he was picking an argument!I'm quite intuitive. But after he saw her he realised as he often said:hed never find anyone like me.Unbeknownst to me of course, and I actually started to think, yes hes right, I need to get my figure back.Ironically I did lose more weight when we split up.Hes the kind of guy who gets a hit off of guys looking at me when we're out, hes told me many times. We got back together that last time and I was determined to make it work.he even got insecure a few times when i didnt answer his text messages for hours(what is it they say about transference?).he mentioned a few times about thinking id met someone else. But I guess I have no respect for him now, his crawling over the weekend was very annoying, constantly kissing my face, my hair(I told him he'd wear a bald patch on my head).. He was in the middle of decorating my hall, and keeps wanting to finish it.I think:maybe I should let him finish, as I hate decorating!At least finish with something tangible from this relationship?he bought me perfume, necklaces etc, but I got rid of them. I am in my late 30s, and although I cheated im my teens, for teenage reasons, as an adult, I would never do that to someone and cant see a justifiable reason for anyone doing it.But I know this whole experience has made me vulnerable, and id never put anyone through what I've gone through.I just cant beleive I finally let my barriers down with him(though the signs were there something wasn't quite right)and I'll never forget finding the proof that blew everything apart.Its never happened to me before, thought i could spot a womaniser/potential cheat a mile away. My principles and everything I hold dear are telling me to get out and dont look back. Its good to hear someone independant's point of view, it was always staring me in the face and its what Id say to anyone telling me the same thing.Sometimes it is black and white-when it comes to cheating, there's NO excuse.Simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merlin2 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 whichwayisup I keep looking at your post and its what I'd say to someone in my position. SUCCINT and soooo true.Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 You're welcome. Though what is SUCCINT mean? Sorry, lol.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author merlin2 Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 sorry, succinct-it means said in a few words, but very clear, very accurate! Link to post Share on other sites
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