HELP! Such hard work.

[Nicky]

Please help! I think I am going mad. I am 31 and my BF is 46. We have been together just over a year. Neither of us has ever felt this strongly about anyone before, and we both feel we could spend the "rest of our lives" with each other. We never lose our tempers, and if ever there are problems, we always sit down and discuss (unemotionally as possible)what is going on, and try to work it out. The relationship has all the essential basics: love, respect, trust, honesty etc.

 

BUT there just seem to be so many issues. It is SUCH hard work. We are both complex people, and naturally have a certain amount of baggage. But we never seem to have a "nice quiet period" for more than a week. There is always some "issue" between us, from either side, which is preventing us just getting on.

 

I know love is not enough. We are racking our brains trying to work out why we can't get along better. I was hurt (mentally) by my father as a child,so have a tendency to be a bit defensive. He finds it hard to be affectionate, and can be a bit controlling. But it's more than that. I've tried to puzzle out what it is, and have read stuff on speech mannerisms, body language etc. I study Psychology and Counselling a bit in my own time, so I'm aware of things, probably a bit more than a lay person, but I just can't figure it out. We just don't seem to be able to always relax with each other.

 

Are relationships always such hard work? As much as I'd hate it to be the case, I'm just wondering whether we are simply not that compatible, and should face reality. We both want to work at it, and sort things out. Naturally in a relationship, there will always be issues: we are two different human beings. But we just want to get along.

 

Has anybody any ideas, what it might be?

 

Has anybody any advice, about what we should do to try to sort this (he's not overly keen about counselling, and would prefer to sort it out himself)?

 

Are relationships always such hard work?

 

I know this is a difficult thing to answer, since nobody knows me or him, but any advice would be very much appreciated. many thanks

[Sula]

It's normal for a relatioship to have it's ups and downs. If you were fighting every day, I would be concerned, but since it is only weekly, why is that bad?

 

Have you ever heard of psychology student syndrome? It's common among first and second-year psych students (I'm a third year). It's when, after reading about various problems, they suddenly start to over-analyze their own reactions and emotions and start to think that they have that problem.

 

My concentration is in marriage and family counselling. I also do volunteer work doing peer counseling, and it's difficult for my relationship sometimes. I listen to people talk about relationship problems and I suddenly find myself picking apart and dissecting my own relationship. It's hard on my fiance, I come home and start talking about things and he turns to me, being the pragmatic, sensible person that he is, and reminds me that I'm over-analyzing a problem.

 

For example, the last fight I had with my boyfriend was last night. Before that, we fought I think about a week ago. As far as I know, most normal relationships involve minor arguments like this. As longa syou talk about things and make sure to resolve at least one problem with every fight, it shouldn't be that much a problem. Think about family life, or living with a roommate. You always have disagreements due to miscommunications or bruised egos. But it's ok, you talk things out, things get resolved.

[Shirley]

Please help! I think I am going mad. I am 31 and my BF is 46. We have been together just over a year. Neither of us has ever felt this strongly about anyone before, and we both feel we could spend the "rest of our lives" with each other. We never lose our tempers, and if ever there are problems, we always sit down and discuss (unemotionally as possible)what is going on, and try to work it out. The relationship has all the essential basics: love, respect, trust, honesty etc. BUT there just seem to be so many issues. It is SUCH hard work. We are both complex people, and naturally have a certain amount of baggage. But we never seem to have a "nice quiet period" for more than a week. There is always some "issue" between us, from either side, which is preventing us just getting on. I know love is not enough. We are racking our brains trying to work out why we can't get along better. I was hurt (mentally) by my father as a child,so have a tendency to be a bit defensive. He finds it hard to be affectionate, and can be a bit controlling. But it's more than that. I've tried to puzzle out what it is, and have read stuff on speech mannerisms, body language etc. I study Psychology and Counselling a bit in my own time, so I'm aware of things, probably a bit more than a lay person, but I just can't figure it out. We just don't seem to be able to always relax with each other. Are relationships always such hard work? As much as I'd hate it to be the case, I'm just wondering whether we are simply not that compatible, and should face reality. We both want to work at it, and sort things out. Naturally in a relationship, there will always be issues: we are two different human beings. But we just want to get along. Has anybody any ideas, what it might be?

 

Has anybody any advice, about what we should do to try to sort this (he's not overly keen about counselling, and would prefer to sort it out himself)?

 

Are relationships always such hard work?

 

I know this is a difficult thing to answer, since nobody knows me or him, but any advice would be very much appreciated. many thanks

 

Hi!

 

You know how counselor's always tell you to have effective arguments? And they try to tell you how do it by telling you to "mirror" each other. Well when you get home, you find out that that really doesn't work. Feelings are flying everywhere, and it's only natural to get defensive and stick up for yourself. And men hate to talk about feelings. And there is no way that they are going to have an intimate conversation with their wife in front of a counselor. So that goes back to just him and you. Instead of thinking of it as work, think of it as a way to get to know each other better. You're not trying to change each other's minds, you're just trying to understand each other's feelings. Okay, this may sound corny, but it's what I can think of right now to try to help. Each of you should write down, on a piece of paper all of the things that make you feel edgy about each other. And he will probably really think that it's way too silly, so don't pressure him to do it. The only reason I say to write it down is so that you don't forget what you want to say. So you can start first. Then when you talk to him, tell him how each of those things make you feel. Don't acuse him of making you feel that way, just tell him your feelings. If he starts to get defensive, and starts accusing, let him. But make sure that you don't start to get defensive yourself. It's hard to have a lasting argument with yourself. If at the end of your so-called "session"(boy, I hate that term, sorry) But anyway, if he is still angry, let him be angry. This is a time when you should let him know in a calming way that it's okay that he's angry. Let him get over his anger on his own, but don't walk away from him. All you want to do is offer him comfort at this point, but you have to wait til he's ready to receive your comfort. And I know that it will take longer than just one discussion. But it doesn't matter how long it takes, if it takes years. The two of you are in love, and truly care about each other's feelings.

[Nicky]

It's normal for a relatioship to have it's ups and downs. If you were fighting every day, I would be concerned, but since it is only weekly, why is that bad? Have you ever heard of psychology student syndrome? It's common among first and second-year psych students (I'm a third year). It's when, after reading about various problems, they suddenly start to over-analyze their own reactions and emotions and start to think that they have that problem. My concentration is in marriage and family counselling. I also do volunteer work doing peer counseling, and it's difficult for my relationship sometimes. I listen to people talk about relationship problems and I suddenly find myself picking apart and dissecting my own relationship. It's hard on my fiance, I come home and start talking about things and he turns to me, being the pragmatic, sensible person that he is, and reminds me that I'm over-analyzing a problem. For example, the last fight I had with my boyfriend was last night. Before that, we fought I think about a week ago. As far as I know, most normal relationships involve minor arguments like this. As longa syou talk about things and make sure to resolve at least one problem with every fight, it shouldn't be that much a problem. Think about family life, or living with a roommate. You always have disagreements due to miscommunications or bruised egos. But it's ok, you talk things out, things get resolved.

Thanks for your response. Yes, I am aware that I can be overly analytical!!! But we don't have fights- we never lose our tempers. I've had BF's before, and never this many problems, that's why I'm concerned. It's one thing after another. We just don't seem to be able to get on, and constantly have misunderstandings. We discuss how we feel, and everything's OK, until a few days later.

[Nicky]

Hi! You know how counselor's always tell you to have effective arguments? And they try to tell you how do it by telling you to "mirror" each other. Well when you get home, you find out that that really doesn't work. Feelings are flying everywhere, and it's only natural to get defensive and stick up for yourself. And men hate to talk about feelings. And there is no way that they are going to have an intimate conversation with their wife in front of a counselor. So that goes back to just him and you. Instead of thinking of it as work, think of it as a way to get to know each other better. You're not trying to change each other's minds, you're just trying to understand each other's feelings. Okay, this may sound corny, but it's what I can think of right now to try to help. Each of you should write down, on a piece of paper all of the things that make you feel edgy about each other. And he will probably really think that it's way too silly, so don't pressure him to do it. The only reason I say to write it down is so that you don't forget what you want to say. So you can start first. Then when you talk to him, tell him how each of those things make you feel. Don't acuse him of making you feel that way, just tell him your feelings. If he starts to get defensive, and starts accusing, let him. But make sure that you don't start to get defensive yourself. It's hard to have a lasting argument with yourself. If at the end of your so-called "session"(boy, I hate that term, sorry) But anyway, if he is still angry, let him be angry. This is a time when you should let him know in a calming way that it's okay that he's angry. Let him get over his anger on his own, but don't walk away from him. All you want to do is offer him comfort at this point, but you have to wait til he's ready to receive your comfort. And I know that it will take longer than just one discussion. But it doesn't matter how long it takes, if it takes years. The two of you are in love, and truly care about each other's feelings.

Thank you Shirley, that's encouraging! Yep, you're right, he will probably think it's way too silly, but I might just be able to persuade him! And we don't let our tempers get out of control, so that's OK. I'll give it a go this weekend.

 

many thanks

[Randy]

Please help! I think I am going mad. I am 31 and my BF is 46. We have been together just over a year. Neither of us has ever felt this strongly about anyone before, and we both feel we could spend the "rest of our lives" with each other. We never lose our tempers, and if ever there are problems, we always sit down and discuss (unemotionally as possible)what is going on, and try to work it out. The relationship has all the essential basics: love, respect, trust, honesty etc. BUT there just seem to be so many issues. It is SUCH hard work. We are both complex people, and naturally have a certain amount of baggage. But we never seem to have a "nice quiet period" for more than a week. There is always some "issue" between us, from either side, which is preventing us just getting on. I know love is not enough. We are racking our brains trying to work out why we can't get along better. I was hurt (mentally) by my father as a child,so have a tendency to be a bit defensive. He finds it hard to be affectionate, and can be a bit controlling. But it's more than that. I've tried to puzzle out what it is, and have read stuff on speech mannerisms, body language etc. I study Psychology and Counselling a bit in my own time, so I'm aware of things, probably a bit more than a lay person, but I just can't figure it out. We just don't seem to be able to always relax with each other. Are relationships always such hard work? As much as I'd hate it to be the case, I'm just wondering whether we are simply not that compatible, and should face reality. We both want to work at it, and sort things out. Naturally in a relationship, there will always be issues: we are two different human beings. But we just want to get along. Has anybody any ideas, what it might be?

 

Has anybody any advice, about what we should do to try to sort this (he's not overly keen about counselling, and would prefer to sort it out himself)?

 

Are relationships always such hard work?

 

I know this is a difficult thing to answer, since nobody knows me or him, but any advice would be very much appreciated. many thanks

Hi Nicky,

 

What you are describing sounds a lot like what I go through. I just had a relationship end several weeks ago with someone that I love very much. I know that she loves me very much, also. She came to the conclusion that relationships shouldn't be "this hard" and quit.

 

My conclusion for the reasons things came up so often is there were underlying reasons that caused the problems. It seemed more often than not that the "issues" that came up were not really the issues at all. There was underlying pain, pain probably caused by the other person. This pain was manifesting itself through ticky tack problems. With this pain still being felt, issues will continue to come up often. It's like when you are mad at someone and everything they do seems to be wrong. This is the same thing. The pain is finding a way to come out. Little things will allow it to come out. You need to find the root of the pain and try to heal that first. Once you heal the pain, the issues will not come up so often.

 

This takes a lot of patience and emotional energy, but I think true love is worth it. It will take a lot of being honest with each other and looking deep into possible resentment being felt. Don't push too hard and allow each other to look within themselves and just be honest. I hope the both of you can find these roots. Good luck.

[Bliss]

Hi Nicky

 

I am in the middle of such a relationship and have often asked myself and friends "should it be this hard?". I have been with my bf for 2 and and half years, and have had incredible fights that I'm surprised we recovered from. We have both done and said pretty horrible things. (Unlike you,we are both quite emotional). We broke up many times, and I wished that there was some way of knowing if are with the right person or not. I would pay anything for God to come down and say "stick with it" or "give it up". But there are no answers, you just have work it out the hard way.

 

However, we can't seem to keep away from each other and keep loving each other. We have a lot in common, more than I could imagine is just coincidence. Anyway, things actually improved, through sheer commitment and time, and we are at a place I never thought possible. Things were going really well there for about a month.

 

BUT the other day something happened that made me feel that we have gotten nowhere with an issue - and really upset and angered me. Suddenly I feel really tired (he's overseas on business at the moment)and wish I could just give up. I don't want to be the Relationship Police and have teach him how to behave all the time. I don't know what to do either!

 

The best things to do I've found are 1)take your time 2) sometimes just sit back and do nothing and see what happens 3)go with your feelings - are you happy most of the time/not much of the time?

 

Hope this helps

 

I'd love to hear more about it from you