LoyalGirl Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 First off, thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and opinions on this forum. It is proving to be an invaluable aid to me in a difficult time. I was just reading posts that date back to 2003 and I saw a thread that asked for people to share their experiences of how their relationship became STRONGER after the discovery and process of "working through" the affair. I was wondering if any of you would be willing to share some of your stories from the discovery of an affair, the process of recovery(or not), and the subsequent effects on your relationship. I look forward to "hearing" your experiences. I feel like this may help me with my current mess... Thanks, LoyalGirl Link to post Share on other sites
soda Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 First off, thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and opinions on this forum. It is proving to be an invaluable aid to me in a difficult time. I was just reading posts that date back to 2003 and I saw a thread that asked for people to share their experiences of how their relationship became STRONGER after the discovery and process of "working through" the affair. I was wondering if any of you would be willing to share some of your stories from the discovery of an affair, the process of recovery(or not), and the subsequent effects on your relationship. I look forward to "hearing" your experiences. I feel like this may help me with my current mess... Thanks, LoyalGirl LoyalGirl -- I'm so sorry that you're going through this mess. To be honest, I think you're experiencing the same heartbreaking that I did. You're doing the same thing that I did when I first discovered that I'd been betrayed. You're scouring every post, every thread in an attempt to make sense of this. I also imagine that you're spending a lot of time beating yourself up, wondering what you did wrong, and what you can do to make it all better. It is POSSIBLE to come out of an affair and make the marriage strong again. It will be very difficult, but if BOTH of you put your heart and soul back into healing the marriage, you can succeed. Is your H visiting forums for advice on how to recover? Is he going to MC with you? Is he absolute NC with OW? You can't begin to salvage your marriage without him being fully onboard. I know that this might not be what you want to hear, but you need to hear the truth. It's going to take every ounce of your patience and love to forgive your H. If you're willing to give this much to your marriage, you have a chance. This will be a tremendous test of your marriage. How would you react if your H admits that he's been physical with OW? Be prepared for this reality check next. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoyalGirl Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 I am waiting for that bomb to drop... I just don't understand why he can't be HONEST and UPFRONT with everything! Why does it have to come out in little agonizing drips and drops? Afraid of hurting me? No... It's much more painful this way! To keep the door open with this OW? Probably. And, yes, Soda, I am scouring everything I can find to see what happened and how I can do something to make this situation better... This is more painful than I ever could have imagined! Link to post Share on other sites
Bh2008 Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Not sure how much help this will be as my wifes affair is still fresh and still being dealt with, but since it happened we talk about everything and we have a new appreciation for being open and appreciating what we have. Our love life is the beat it has ever been, and our connection is the deepest. I know if I can get over it and forgive we will be way stronger then we ever would or could have been had it not happened. That being said.... I'm not over it, and don't know how to forgive and forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 I am waiting for that bomb to drop... I just don't understand why he can't be HONEST and UPFRONT with everything! Why does it have to come out in little agonizing drips and drops? Afraid of hurting me? No... It's much more painful this way! To keep the door open with this OW? Probably. And, yes, Soda, I am scouring everything I can find to see what happened and how I can do something to make this situation better... This is more painful than I ever could have imagined! It comes out in drips and drops because he is trying to control your perception of him. I didn't do that. I answer every question put to me, however there were still little details here and there that I didn't talk about at first, so it might have seemed that way. Anyway, I was very upfront because I didn't care anymore what she thought of me. I divorced her a year later. I don't miss her at all. So, no it didn't make us stronger... but then she stopped bieng my wife long before I found someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Like you, I also have extensively read many threads here. I have not posted my story, so have not felt "qualified" to reply to any even though I know my own experiences can offer insight. Until now. I am 40, and have been married 3 years. It took me 6 months into the marriage to find out my husband was cheating on me - in a variety of ways. Drama, gaslighting, devastation, reconciliation followed. A year later, it happened again - texting this time. I came to the realization that our otherwise perfect union was flawed only by his almost uncontollable need for attention - any attention. I mean, texting? Seriously. Three different women. So, I decided if he couldn't help himself and protect our marriage - I would help him. I researched (with help) all three women and contacted them. All were married / attached. I explained that if I ever found a message, email, etc. again - even once - that I would send all to their SO. I told my H after all this was done. He is an elected public servant - was mortified and angry - that one of them or their SO could bring this matter into the public or otherwise cause him embarassment. I told him that risk was what HE took. I put all the anxiety and fear, the wondering, the CONSEQUENCES, right back on him instead of me. Since then, I have come to understand that his need for attention is compulsive and nothing to do with me - result possibly of an A-Type presonality, whatever. He has come to the understanding that his actions, no matter how harmless they seem to him, can have consequences he will not be able to control. And so far, he has stopped completely. I occassionally check all his emails ( he has no idea I can), phone records, Voice mail, etc. I dont think about it, just do it as a matter of maintenance. I actually think he is somewhat relieved to know that his "misbehavior" is no longer an option for him. We are happy. Divorce was not an option when I married him, and we are in love, and Ive got my own baggage /issues - just different than his...We cant go back to the place we were, but I think we are on our way to something better - marriage is work, but gratifying so far. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 After reflecting upon my previous post - I feel compelled to add the following: I am STILL P.O'd as hell, obviously, hence the lurking. I still feel the best shot on moving on is to present a "Don't F with me" attitude to all parties involved - just so everybody is straight, and the rules are clear. If he cant make his own rules, god bless him, make them for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamikaze Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Not sure how much help this will be as my wifes affair is still fresh and still being dealt with, but since it happened we talk about everything and we have a new appreciation for being open and appreciating what we have. Our love life is the beat it has ever been, and our connection is the deepest. I know if I can get over it and forgive we will be way stronger then we ever would or could have been had it not happened. That being said.... I'm not over it, and don't know how to forgive and forget. What does that mean for you? It sounds like you have already forgiven. Forgetting, IMHO, will never happen - we have memories. Kami Link to post Share on other sites
InaPanic Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 there are days i feel like our life together is better since the affair in some ways. mainly sexually right now. it seems the last few months we have been able to open up to each other more when it comes to sex & it's better than it's possibly ever been. and i do think a lot of that has to do, sadly, with my affair. but i hope after the sex part dies back down if we still feel this closeness we seem to now. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Some of the betrayed are not just the spouses that are cheated on, but, the children too! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts