Another "Jealous of my girlfriend's past" thread!!

[bazool]

Bazool,

 

How old are you and your girlfriend, if you don't mind me asking?

 

I'm 27 and she's 24. Funny you ask that. I'm starting to think that might have something to do with it. To be honest, I think this is just a case of accepting her past as a whole, not looking at each specific event. The fact is, she liked hooking up at University. She'd take a different man back to her apartment on regular basis just to hook up, not to always have sex as she saved that for her first boyfriend at 21. I guess after she broke up with him and finally got over him she didn't see the sex as "sacred" anymore and so included that more in the hook ups.

 

I know she loves me more than anything, is loyal and never "given" herself, heart and all like this but I guess no-one wants to feel their lady was having fun with all these different guys!

[Ruby Slippers]

Wow, the double standards in this thread are rampant -- and irritating. Just as a lot of men do not understand why so many women have a problem with porn, I really don't understand this obsession with a woman's past. To the OP, you've had THREE TIMES as many partners as your girlfriend, yet you have a problem with her number? Seriously?

[Javelin]

I'm 27 and she's 24. Funny you ask that. I'm starting to think that might have something to do with it. To be honest, I think this is just a case of accepting her past as a whole, not looking at each specific event. The fact is, she liked hooking up at University. She'd take a different man back to her apartment on regular basis just to hook up, not to always have sex as she saved that for her first boyfriend at 21. I guess after she broke up with him and finally got over him she didn't see the sex as "sacred" anymore and so included that more in the hook ups.

 

I know she loves me more than anything, is loyal and never "given" herself, heart and all like this but I guess no-one wants to feel their lady was having fun with all these different guys!

 

It seems to me if she was your age, then she would have an equal number to you. That said, what exactly makes her any different from you bro? From personal experience, she hasn't had THAT many partners in a 3-4 year period of time. My ex-girlfriend actually slept with over 9 guys between 18 and 19 years of age. Just imagine that, a different guy, every 2 months.

 

Trust me, you don't have it as bad as you think you do.

[bazool]

It seems to me if she was your age, then she would have an equal number to you. That said, what exactly makes her any different from you bro? From personal experience, she hasn't had THAT many partners in a 3-4 year period of time. My ex-girlfriend actually slept with over 9 guys between 18 and 19 years of age. Just imagine that, a different guy, every 2 months.

 

Trust me, you don't have it as bad as you think you do.

 

Well...mine did actually go through 8 in a year and a half, still quite a lot. Anyway, if you don't mind me asking, is that the reason she's your ex now?

[lamaman3]

How about thinking about this for making it stop:

 

The more you think about it and bring it up, the more likely she is to lose attraction for you and for you to destroy the relationship.

 

Simple as that.

[AAlike]

Wow, the double standards in this thread are rampant -- and irritating. Just as a lot of men do not understand why so many women have a problem with porn, I really don't understand this obsession with a woman's past. To the OP, you've had THREE TIMES as many partners as your girlfriend, yet you have a problem with her number? Seriously?

 

Ruby,

 

I was waiting for someone to come out and say that - on the surface it is completely ridiculous and hypocritical for OP to have these feelings. In fact, it's probably the very definition of a double standard.

 

However, in OP's defense (and the defense of the countless guys that do the exact same thing), I don't think that he really "has a problem" with her actions. If he did, he'd very easily be able to decide one way or the other if those actions were something that he can get over or if they were a "dealbreaker" - which, given his own actions, I'm sure that they would not be. The thing that makes this common problem so tough to fix is that most guys CAN reconcile it logically, and KNOW that they are being unfair and upholding a double standard, and REALIZE that in the grand scheme of things that a couple of youthful trysts are completely insignificant. However, the feelings don't really stem from any logical part of the brain.

 

I think that one common factor in most situations involving retroactive jealousy is that it usually occurs the first time that you really fall hard for someone else. It doesn't really matter if that person is the first person that you've slept with or the 50th, because that person is unlocking what is probably a very underdeveloped emotion in you, regardless of your age or amount of prior sexual experience when it happens.

 

Falling in love for the first time causes one to really recontextualize their views towards sex. Obviously this is a good thing - and it most likely will cause you to forget about all of your past liasons in an instant, as sex itself has no real permanancy, but emotions certainly do. Oddly enough, I think that the RJ problem is also caused by this realization. When you've found "the one," it renders all of your past girlfriends or hookups as meaningless, and I think that guys then project and get bothered that their GF will similarly be remembered as "meaningless" in the minds of those that she "let" sleep with her - it's a completely BS ego-driven feeling, but it's also somewhat culturally infused, so it's hard to blame the guys 100%. Should he get over it, especially given his own colorful past? Sure, but it's important to realize that he's not doing this consciously or openly trying to judge her.

[orangesean]

First off, I'm not settling down. I'm not even 20 yet, haha. However, this is my first serious relationship. I've had several girlfriends, but all just short flings for a few months. I am also very sexually experienced, but I believe there is a double standard for a reason. So I can't really let that "bias" go.

 

Honestly, retroactive jealousy does not away. Ever.

 

That's completely foolish, you just said it yourself this is your first serious relationship and you haven't even broken 20. How would you know, man?

 

Personally and knowing from others, it does go away. Why would you want to dwell on it everyday for the rest of your life (assuming you marry)? As your life goes on you will have many other things to think about and the relationship will eventually develop into a complete and trusting bond between you and your SO. At that point retroactive jealously goes away.

 

In my opinion retroactive jealousy is just one of the problems that everyone faces at the start of their relationship. For many it could be because a girl blew 40 guys before you or for many they could get pissed over just one kiss. It's about your threshhold and how your sexual past measures up as well. To some none of that stuff hardly matters. But it appears in everyone to an extent and if the relationship works then eventually it will will go away with time and understanding.

 

Also though you are right that sometimes these people of the past do tend to pop up, but really that is not retroactive jealously but more of a damage control issue. People need to cut ex's out of their lives. Some feel the need not to and some couples are okay with an ex being a friend. Affairs do happen with old flames and some feel the need to have their SO never contact them again. I think that's a good general rule in my opinion but some may disagree.

[bazool]

Just to update guys on my situation with "dealing with it". It's simply a rollercoater ride. Sometimes I'm thinking a number of things to make myself feel better like "you've slept with more" or "she's experienced, that's great" or "you want a girl who's lived life" but it sometimes just comes back to the same images of the one night stands. It's the girl you love so much who just meets a guy at a bar and goes back and ****s him. For me, it's the 8 guys (3 one night stands) in a year that's really eating me. In fact, I've woken up today just simply tired of it all and honestly considering biting the bullet and telling her I'm simply not a good person, I'm unfair and obviously not right for you but I simply can't handle that you threw it around so much before me.

 

Will I regret this decision in months to come? 99% yes, BUT your mind can only take so much. Will keep all updated either way.

[verve]

I think you should stay with her.

 

If you was reading a thread similar to this on this forum, what advice would you give to somebody in your position? The past is the past, in a way without them experiences she wouldn't be who she is today, so bear that one in mind and do take on board the advice being given. It seems to me like you're listening to it then brushing it off because it doesn't match what you're thinking and feeling and thats not wise. Take it all in and evaluate it because a lot of people in this thread are no doubt speaking from experience.

[rproctor]

Bazool, you would be an absolute fool to throw this relationship away. I think, if you would just stick it out, and CONSCIOUSLY make an effort to TRY to STOP giving into those thoughts, you would learn to let it go.

 

Have you heard of the three stages of denial? Its funny, because I think everyone goes through this in order to overcome this situation.

 

Step 1) Chances are you two got together, you found out about her past, you didnt like it, but you continued the relationship. You denied this problem, probably acted as if it did not exist until it was overwhelming.

 

Step 2) You reached out for help, you realized there was a problem, people offered, but you didnt not embrace the help given.

 

Step 3 - Where you are now) You realized you need to use the help given and are currently both giving into your negative thoughts, and trying to overcome this, which is the roller coaster effect you are experiencing. Because you experience both shooting up inside you at different times.

 

Once you pass this part, its pretty smooth sailing. You will never be happy with this, but you will learn to accept it. Right now your mind is probably racing a mile a minute, physically and mentally your body cant take that. Your body will adjust itself to clear this problem, which will be the resolution of this RJ you are dealing with.

 

It may sound crazy, but if you stay in this relationship, you will get over it.

[rproctor]

Ruby,

 

I was waiting for someone to come out and say that - on the surface it is completely ridiculous and hypocritical for OP to have these feelings. In fact, it's probably the very definition of a double standard.

 

However, in OP's defense (and the defense of the countless guys that do the exact same thing), I don't think that he really "has a problem" with her actions. If he did, he'd very easily be able to decide one way or the other if those actions were something that he can get over or if they were a "dealbreaker" - which, given his own actions, I'm sure that they would not be. The thing that makes this common problem so tough to fix is that most guys CAN reconcile it logically, and KNOW that they are being unfair and upholding a double standard, and REALIZE that in the grand scheme of things that a couple of youthful trysts are completely insignificant. However, the feelings don't really stem from any logical part of the brain.

 

I think that one common factor in most situations involving retroactive jealousy is that it usually occurs the first time that you really fall hard for someone else. It doesn't really matter if that person is the first person that you've slept with or the 50th, because that person is unlocking what is probably a very underdeveloped emotion in you, regardless of your age or amount of prior sexual experience when it happens.

 

Falling in love for the first time causes one to really recontextualize their views towards sex. Obviously this is a good thing - and it most likely will cause you to forget about all of your past liasons in an instant, as sex itself has no real permanancy, but emotions certainly do. Oddly enough, I think that the RJ problem is also caused by this realization. When you've found "the one," it renders all of your past girlfriends or hookups as meaningless, and I think that guys then project and get bothered that their GF will similarly be remembered as "meaningless" in the minds of those that she "let" sleep with her - it's a completely BS ego-driven feeling, but it's also somewhat culturally infused, so it's hard to blame the guys 100%. Should he get over it, especially given his own colorful past? Sure, but it's important to realize that he's not doing this consciously or openly trying to judge her.

 

I completely agree. Its crazy, cause before I dealt with this, I had been with other women who were a lot more experienced than my gf. Some of them, in fact, actually working in the adult industry. It never bothered me, but I also truly never thought I loved them. It wasnt until I met my gf now, and did I really think I loved her, did this really become a problem.

 

It makes me sick to my stomach now, not that she had done what she did, but that I jeopardized the relationship like that. It was so stupid, really it baffles me how I could have ever thought that way.

[AAlike]

Just to update guys on my situation with "dealing with it". It's simply a rollercoater ride. Sometimes I'm thinking a number of things to make myself feel better like "you've slept with more" or "she's experienced, that's great" or "you want a girl who's lived life" but it sometimes just comes back to the same images of the one night stands. It's the girl you love so much who just meets a guy at a bar and goes back and ****s him. For me, it's the 8 guys (3 one night stands) in a year that's really eating me. In fact, I've woken up today just simply tired of it all and honestly considering biting the bullet and telling her I'm simply not a good person, I'm unfair and obviously not right for you but I simply can't handle that you threw it around so much before me.

 

Will I regret this decision in months to come? 99% yes, BUT your mind can only take so much. Will keep all updated either way.

 

Yo man - I do understand where you're coming from...you get to the point where you think it's worth ending it just to cleanse those visuals - it seems like they just won't go away.

 

but trust me man - eventually you get to the point where you're over the shock of love and reconciling the girl that you want to be infalliable and on that pedestal with the actual human that, just like you, felt like playing the field a little and made a conscious decision to have a little fun. Forgive me if I missed it, but how long have you been together?

[Gemini0525]

My girlfriend had a phase like this in high school. I didn't even know her then. We're in the latter part of college and just knowing that she was like that at a point bothers me so much. I feel like women abuse their gender advantage when they slut out like that. We have to work for sex. They don't.

 

I love her. She's an amazing woman, but that behavior is pretty disgusting to me. And I'm very liberal about sex. I have nothing against promiscuous women, but that's not a trait I want in a woman I want to consider marrying or dating seriously. Yet, I've been with her for a year. Things are generally good, but its almost obvious that its slowly disintegrating.

 

I think we'll be better off as good friends who maybe casually have sex. I need a woman with a tamer past. And its unfortunate because nearly everything else about her is perfect. But I want to feel unique and special about my woman, and that's not possible with some woman that several men have been inside of before me.

 

So HER behavior is disgusting to you but you would consider keeping her as a FWB.

 

So your woman needs to have a tame past but you can have all the FWB that you want.

 

Ahhhh, double standards. Will the hypocracy ever end?

[Gemini0525]

First off, I'm not settling down. I'm not even 20 yet, haha. However, this is my first serious relationship. I've had several girlfriends, but all just short flings for a few months. I am also very sexually experienced, but I believe there is a double standard for a reason. So I can't really let that "bias" go.

 

Honestly, retroactive jealousy does not away. Ever. It is more or less present at different times. That's because despite what everyone on here says, the past is never really the past. These people that came before you still exist and often times can still find their way back into your situation.

 

I just think it'd be so much easier if I tried to downgrade this relationship to something more casual. I would still get the benefits of her as a great person, but without the possessiveness and jealousy I have because we're in a relationship.

 

RJ does not go away for YOU because you are immature and hypocritical.

 

Damn right there's a double standard for a reason. Because jerks like you perpetuate it.

 

Why don't you say it the way you really mean it? "I would still get the benefits of ****ing her without having the responsibility of a relationship."

 

Start searching the middle schools for a wife. Make sure she stays a virgin until she graduates and marry her before anyone else gets their hands on her. When you consumate the marriage, you can brag about your sexual expertise because you've had soooooo much prior experience. Maybe you could tell her in detail what your past conquests have done that was so sexually pleasing to you and ask her to do the same. Women love that sort of thing.

 

[Gemini0525]

bazool - please don't let this relationship go because of jealousy. IMO, based on what you have said about your feelings for her, you would regret the decision for the rest of your life. Please don't break her heart because of your own insecurities about the past.

 

I agree with the others who said you WILL get past this.

 

Best of luck to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AAlike]

bazool,

 

I also think that this is probably a by-product of moving too fast in your own head. I mean, on the one hand you're talking about "this is the one, I want to propose to her" and on the other hand you're agonizing over the fact that she's had what really isn't an out of the ordinary past, and is relatively tame when compared to your own.

 

You're thinking in extremes - on the one hand, you have this "sugar and spice" view of your girl that you've probably never felt and puts her in a class beyond all other woman, then on the other hand you have the fact that she has had what were probably some akward and relatively unfulfilling hookups, and this bothers you because it "normalizes" her, or places her in a class with other women, which "taints" that idealistic view.

 

As time goes on, eventually your view of her will fall somewhere square in between of those extremes (i.e., a normal human) and you will have way less trouble processing that she's done things that a normal young female very well may do at that age, and you'll learn to get past them and trivialize them just as she has done and I'm sure you have done with your own experiences. and that's another thing - when this gets real bad, do your best to think of your own casual experiences and how little they mean to you in the big picture. Realize that both her and all of the other people that participated in her sexual past have most likely gotten well past it and the only reason that it perpetuates is you.

[oldguy]

Good discussion on this topic. A lot of men and women do have issues with this and as a student of psychology I think this posting has some of the better comments I’ve seen. As far as this being a man thing only, it’s definitely not. As far as it being “silly”, if it’s something that truly bothers someone it shouldn’t be dismissed by simply telling someone to just “get over it” or to criticize them for actual feelings that are bothering them. Again, most of what I’ve read here is good stuff.

[oldguy]

----------

[bazool]

There have been some really insightful comment here and it's really refreshing to hear people talk from experience. It makes it seem a lot more possible to overcome.

 

To answer AALike, we've been together for 6 months and I agree totally with what you say, it seems to be some incongruence between this idealized "one" and her being a "normal" woman.

 

To update all on the current situation, I did start to rationalise things a lot more. She was away for a week or so but came back and it was so lovely to see her that these thoughts were pushed away by the love. It's so very hard to deal with this alone because you don't want to involve your woman but at the same time you have a burning question or "silent mood" that is bound to come out to her eventually. She's been very understanding and said everything a man wants to hear: "Theses guys aren't even in the same league, boring and awkward sex, years ago, never loved anyone like you etc". I'm not fobbing these things off but at the same time words simply do not help with this kind of problem.

 

Anyway, I was driving a couple of days ago and I just said to myself that I have to end this relationship. I spent the next hour or so adapting my mind to a world without her and for some reason something snapped. I felt like my love had dropped down a notch and the jealousy with it. I worried that this was in fact a sacrifice one has to pay for getting rid of jealousy but I think it was more the idealisation and infactuation that was stripped away.

 

In a nutshell, I kept this to myself and have not ended this relationship. I have chosen to just tell her I love her and give her a hug each time I feel jealous. I honestly started to feel better. However, just as things seem to be slowly fading I bumped into one of her one night stands yesterday at the beach! It was unfortunate but I had a few beers down me and I'm feeling a bit hungover today so I know the jealousy is a bit distorted at the moment and will hopefully fade. It just makes it a lot more real knowing what the guy looked like as well as knowing it was in the same bed you're with your lady in now. It's like asking yourself not to think about a red monkey, you're going to picture one no matter what!

 

Anyway, I hope to update on this if possible as things develop!

[Mac10Handle]

Man, I know where you're coming from. Hang in there cause all the guys and even girls who have the same feelings are in this **** with you. If I can give you any advice it's that if anyone ever tells you that you're ignorant or stupid for feeling what you feel with you having more sexual encounters than her, don't ever listen. They haven't been in a situation like you before. You might be thinking, why did she sleep with that guy? He seems like a complete loser and she's better than that. Or why did she have to sleep with any of them even? Couldn't she have just waited for you? I mean it might sound stupid to others but it's come across my mind occasionally. Think outside the box for a bit. Try this, if you feel different feelings about this girl than the previous ones, try not to think of images of her different partners with her. It'll make you sick. Think that it was only physical because mentally and emotionally she's never had a guy like you. Love is something that can't be formed in one night of sex. Contact isn't **** man, from what I read she sounds like you're better than any of them in every way. I hope that helps but I'm not one to give amazing advice since I've felt what you feel for quite some time and haven't gotten better.

Best of luck.

 

By the way AALike did a fine job with his post. Just try to stop thinking about it just for a little while. In that short time think about other things that mean a lot to you. You'll go crazy if you think about her too much, and if you think that breaking up will cure you, it won't. It'll just give you a feeling that is even harder to live with, the feeling of regret.

[oldguy]

Remember; this person you care about so deeply is a PERSON not a problem. In almost every case I can assure you she almost certainly has issues with her past also, especially now that she’s found someone who actually cares for her and treats her right. Don’t stop treating her right. I’ve talked to so many women who wish they could, “do it over”. If you are agonizing over this it is because you have found someone you love. Kicking her to the curb because you want to feel better is not the answer and is just plain sad. Guys, you need to work through this. You don’t need to make her feel bad, or worse. You will just become one of the jerks and her self esteem and self worth will take yet another hit. If you have too, talk to a councilor, one who deals in relationship issues. First on your own, you probably will never need to involve her. I don’t want to sound cold but this issue is owned by the one it bothers, that person needs to resolve it. Step up to the plate, do the right thing, don’t hurt this wonderful person who you obviously love.

 

This is a guy and girl issue but I’m addressing the guys here because guys generally view the issue differently. I wasn’t picking on anyone, just sharing some thoughts. Okay; that’s my rant for the day on this subject.

 

 

Side bar; guys, if you have daughters, it is so important for you to be involved in there lives. That you be a good role model and set the standards that she will look for in a bf, man and husband. As just one example; hold the door open for them, at some point they will roll their eyes but you are setting a standard, an expectation of how a lady is to be treated. Treat their mother the way you want your daughters bf to treat them, you should be doing that anyway for your own relationship with your SO. Spend time with your daughters as well as your sons. So many men decide at some point to leave the upbringing of their daughters to mom, because they are uncomfortable they concentrate on their sons. Be uncomfortable, it’s part of being a parent. In many cases that’s because that is what you observed when you where growing up. Break the mold, spend time with your daughters, be a great example. I’ve raised two daughters, (and a son), I’m not going to tell you that my daughters where perfect or that they never made some bad choices, it would be unrealistic to hold them to that expectation but I will tell you they are fine young women who I am so proud of and most of the bf they’ve had have been fine young men and the few that didn’t measure up I’m happy to say where very short lived. My oldest is married to a man that treats my little girl, (she’s 31), like a lady. I’ve just seen this issue come up so many times in so many women’s lives as being the root cause that lead to some promiscuity. Women who where never taught how to be treated or where exposed threw life or media to poor examples of what to demand. That and shier loneliness. Being a teen is tough, being a teen or young woman is tougher than most men can imagine. Spend time with your daughters. My frilly, dainty daughters can drywall and change oil with the best of you guys and I, in tern, learned to dance. Oh, talk to your daughters. I’ve probably learned more about women from my daughters than I’ve ever picked up in a psyc course or class or even from my wife. Some things that, as a father, I’d rather not know, JK. There are a lot of reasons that lead to promiscuity but this is one of the most common, most over looked and easiest to correct. Okay, I’ll get off my soap box.

[AAlike]

Remember; this person you care about so deeply is a PERSON not a problem. In almost every case I can assure you she almost certainly has issues with her past also, especially now that she’s found someone who actually cares for her and treats her right. Don’t stop treating her right. I’ve talked to so many women who wish they could, “do it over”. If you are agonizing over this it is because you have found someone you love. Kicking her to the curb because you want to feel better is not the answer and is just plain sad. Guys, you need to work through this. You don’t need to make her feel bad, or worse. You will just become one of the jerks and her self esteem and self worth will take yet another hit. If you have too, talk to a councilor, one who deals in relationship issues. First on your own, you probably will never need to involve her. I don’t want to sound cold but this issue is owned by the one it bothers, that person needs to resolve it. Step up to the plate, do the right thing, don’t hurt this wonderful person who you obviously love.

 

This is a guy and girl issue but I’m addressing the guys here because guys generally view the issue differently. I wasn’t picking on anyone, just sharing some thoughts. Okay; that’s my rant for the day on this subject.

 

Side bar; guys, if you have daughters, it is so important for you to be involved in there lives. That you be a good role model and set the standards that she will look for in a bf, man and husband. As just one example; hold the door open for them, at some point they will roll their eyes but you are setting a standard, an expectation of how a lady is to be treated. Treat their mother the way you want your daughters bf to treat them, you should be doing that anyway for your own relationship with your SO. Spend time with your daughters as well as your sons. So many men decide at some point to leave the upbringing of their daughters to mom, because they are uncomfortable they concentrate on their sons. Be uncomfortable, it’s part of being a parent. In many cases that’s because that is what you observed when you where growing up. Break the mold, spend time with your daughters, be a great example. I’ve raised two daughters, (and a son), I’m not going to tell you that my daughters where perfect or that they never made some bad choices, it would be unrealistic to hold them to that expectation but I will tell you they are fine young women who I am so proud of and most of the bf they’ve had have been fine young men and the few that didn’t measure up I’m happy to say where very short lived. My oldest is married to a man that treats my little girl, (she’s 31), like a lady. I’ve just seen this issue come up so many times in so many women’s lives as being the root cause that lead to some promiscuity. Women who where never taught how to be treated or where exposed threw life or media to poor examples of what to demand. That and shier loneliness. Being a teen is tough, being a teen or young woman is tougher than most men can imagine. Spend time with your daughters. My frilly, dainty daughters can drywall and change oil with the best of you guys and I, in tern, learned to dance. Oh, talk to your daughters. I’ve probably learned more about women from my daughters than I’ve ever picked up in a psyc course or class or even from my wife. Some things that, as a father, I’d rather not know, JK. There are a lot of reasons that lead to promiscuity but this is one of the most common, most over looked and easiest to correct. Okay, I’ll get off my soap box.

 

Hmmm...Oldguy, I like and agree with the intent of your post, which is that guys need to get over it and that it is their own issue.

 

However, I also think that you are falling into the trap of implying that if a girl has a bit of a sexual past that it must be due to some sort of "problem" - and that being a "lady" and having a few one night stands are mutually exclusive. Honestly, I think that it is that mentality that causes this problem in the first place, and it's what has guys doing all of this detective work to try and "explain" why their girlfriend has any sort of sexual past (she must have been needy, or attention-starved, or had low self-esteem, right?) when in reality, she probably has a sexual history for the same reason that the guys do - she was young, single and had a libido, and that was probably it! it's pretty messed up that we as guys assume that a single girl with a sex drive has some inherent problem.

 

Also, although I understand what you're saying about "doing it over", remember that is also a contextual thing. When I had an issue with one particular incident from my GF's past, she certainly expressed that she wished that she could "take it back" - but it wasn't because she viewed it as some huge mistake that she regretted or even thought about anymore - it was because it was such a non-issue for her but she knew that it bothered me, so obviously it would have been easier for all if it just hadn't happened. Plus, of course if you harp on about a couple of isolated incidents in someone's life that happened years ago, yeah, they'll probably feel kind of stupid about them and tell you that they wish that they hadn't happened. that's natural, but it's very different than some deep-seated regret.

 

basically, what I'm saying is that many guys get over this by thinking "oh she was young and stupid then" or "it was a low point in her life" and by essentially "forgiving" her - in my opinion, although that is a short term fix, that is not really getting over this problem per se. Getting over it is realizing that your girlfriend wanted to have sex in those situations for the same reason that you did - because sex is enjoyable!

[oldguy]

AALike

I may elaborate on this more later but for now; I saw a lot of people, (former mental health care provider), who had issues that presented itself through promiscuous behavior. I didn’t mean to imply that people who have sex have issues or that everyone who is promiscuous has issues, and I’m certainly not implying that anyone on this thread is promiscuous. If there where only one motive or reason everyone has sex it would be pretty cut and dry, unfortunately it’s just not so.

[Javelin]

Well...mine did actually go through 8 in a year and a half, still quite a lot. Anyway, if you don't mind me asking, is that the reason she's your ex now?

 

No actually that's not the reason why we broke up. When we first started dating, back in college, her number never crossed my mind and I really did not care to know.

 

( I always give my girlfriends a clean slate when we start dating. )

 

Her number actually sprung up from a question her roommate had asked. My ex's first response was like 5 or so... However, something told me not to believe that answer. In fact, I should have broke up with her for lying to me, but what she did before me, was her business and not mine to judge.

 

Was I jealousy? Somewhat, but to tell you the truth, I was more upset that she wasn't woman enough to tell me right away. I understand that some people have a hard time admitting certain things and they don't want to be labeled degrading names. I let it go because when this question arose, we were in the early stages of our relationship and it was a slightly rocky start. She basically said, ' I didn't want to scare you off! '

 

Our relationship went on for 4 1/2 years and I didn't receive a legitimate answer until the end of the 3rd year. To this day I still don't know if that's her actual number, it could have been much higher.

 

Enough about me, Here's a question for you...

 

How does your girlfriend feel about all YOUR past encounters?

[bazool]

No actually that's not the reason why we broke up. When we first started dating, back in college, her number never crossed my mind and I really did not care to know.

 

( I always give my girlfriends a clean slate when we start dating. )

 

Her number actually sprung up from a question her roommate had asked. My ex's first response was like 5 or so... However, something told me not to believe that answer. In fact, I should have broke up with her for lying to me, but what she did before me, was her business and not mine to judge.

 

Was I jealousy? Somewhat, but to tell you the truth, I was more upset that she wasn't woman enough to tell me right away. I understand that some people have a hard time admitting certain things and they don't want to be labeled degrading names. I let it go because when this question arose, we were in the early stages of our relationship and it was a slightly rocky start. She basically said, ' I didn't want to scare you off! '

 

Our relationship went on for 4 1/2 years and I didn't receive a legitimate answer until the end of the 3rd year. To this day I still don't know if that's her actual number, it could have been much higher.

 

Enough about me, Here's a question for you...

 

How does your girlfriend feel about all YOUR past encounters?

 

Yes, I went through the same "lieing" at the beginning of the relationship. The number shot from 6 to 12 over weeks of knowing that there was something she was holding back. Part of me felt that if she was a better liar then a lot of this could of been avoided but now I'm totally happy we have that honesty and knowing that your lady can't lie easily is not such a bad thing.

 

Concerning my past (this is going to aggravate those that hate a double standard), she has been incredibly accepting. I haven't hidden or lied about anything to her and been able to tell her the craziest, darkest things I've done in my life without her batting an eyelid. I really do appreciate that and it's one thing that has helped me overcome this whole situation.

 

As far as updates are concerned, I'm actually feeling better. The thought of these guys with her isn't pleasant but from talking with her about each encounter, these were mostly drunk fumbly experiences that are so insignificant to her, they have no need to be brought up.

 

I think eventually, your mind literally becomes bored and exhausted of having the pain every time you masochistically decide to think about it and while you wait for that to happen you build up some rational defence mechanisms to help stop getting on that icy road of jealousy such as knowing that the guy didn't pleasure her like you did, or you've done the same in your life, or these guys had her but they didn't HAVE her.

 

I think the last point is the most important for those dealing with this. I was watching her get dressed in the morning yesterday, rifling through her clothes in her usual flustered yet adorable way, putting on her perfume with her usual two sprays above the head and it made my stomach churn first with love but then it hurt me that other men had been in this room and spent the night with her and had that time with her. However, it then dawned on me that they hadn't. They had a fraction of what your lady gives to you. It's very important I think to realize it's those feelings of love you get when you just look at your lady or moments that would mean nothing to all these other guys that separates you from them.

 

Anyway, all in all, feeling better about things in general and unless things get ridiculousy bad or great I'll try not to keep clogging up these boards with this thread!