Another "Jealous of my girlfriend's past" thread!!

[Javelin]

Well Bazool,

 

I don't think any of us needs to quote you anymore, as your session here, mixed with your own perception is starting to come around to normal. I think you'll be able to fully disregard her past in less time than you think and live a wonderful life with your girlfriend.

 

Come back if you relapse! We'll smack some more sense into you.

[Arcanum]

Bazool

I really feel for you as I am going through something similar. The difference being that I am a woman jealous of my mans past.

I am in admiration though of how you are dealing with it. Your thought processes are strong and healing and I hope will ease your mind and heart with time.

 

The way you spoke of your girlfriend in that last post was just beautiful. And I agree with what you said. I have those moments too. To feel some moment of love and then have it tarnished by your comparisons with people in their past. But to move on from that and realise it was never like that with them is the key I think.

 

My man has a number of 17 to my 2 even though he is a couple of years younger.

The thing that really hurts me is something Aalike commented on. That every partner he's ever had he has had unproctected sex with. And it hurts to think he was that close to other people and I think it's maybe more of a female thing to compare oneself to the other women. i see guys are more hurt by what their girls have done but for me it's that they may be better than me.

Also I question his morals and forethought, two things which are important to me in life and things I would like in a partner.

 

But talking helps too. I was once sickened by thoughts of his best friend whom he slept with a number of times, unprotected, last year. She's still in his life and it's hard to deal with even though he said the sex was good he was never interested in a relationship with her.

Still makes me sick to think of them together. I told him it's hard to think of him stroking her and kissing her afterwards like we do, but then he said it was never like that with her.

Of course not. Silly me. Because he loves me more than anything and never did her. So why do I compare myself?

 

I think it has a lot to do with something I read on here in another post, that the fragility of relationships really does come to light when we really are in love. And that we can do everything in our power to make it work but it also depends on that person doing the same and if you have any signs of their character (usually from their past) that says otherwise it hurts and worries you.

 

I've been with my man 4 months now and still have to deal with the hurt a lot but it's the tiniest bit easier now so I hope it continues to lessen.

It would be lovely to hear if things go well between you and your lady, although don't get too disheartened when it rears it's ugly head again, I find it goes in fits and starts. Just hoping the sabbaticals last longer and longer until they go.

[Bleed Internal]

 

I think eventually, your mind literally becomes bored and exhausted of having the pain every time you masochistically decide to think about it and while you wait for that to happen you build up some rational defence mechanisms to help stop getting on that icy road of jealousy such as knowing that the guy didn't pleasure her like you did, or you've done the same in your life, or these guys had her but they didn't HAVE her.

 

 

So true. Unfortunately, this combined with her need to talk to ex's and other shady behavior has just made me stop caring entirely. I used to hate when she went out to bars with friends or get stressed out if she took too long to return a call or text. I'm so indifferent now. I could care less what she does. I've come to expect negative things so I just don't even let it affect me anymore. And I know she secretly used to love my irrational, crazy behavior because it let her know how much she mattered to me. Now I'm so apathetic about everything and she hates it.

[bazool]

Hi guys,

 

Thought I'd put a little update here. It's so very easy to expect to just read an answer on sites like this thinking it'll solve it all but it's simply not the case. Anyway, I seem to be getting better in all honesty. I think the important thing is/was to realise I was putting down a double standard and being judgemental where that is an irrational and unfair thing to do.

 

My problem is now simply the jealous images in my head. You see, when your jealousy rages through you in the initial questioning stages, before you know it you have details to the highest degree of every encounter!

 

I now have detailed images of at least 9 of the guys she's been with. I wish I could go back and realize the futility it is to know that. Will these images fade? Damn, I hope so!

[Javelin]

Hi guys,

 

Thought I'd put a little update here. It's so very easy to expect to just read an answer on sites like this thinking it'll solve it all but it's simply not the case. Anyway, I seem to be getting better in all honesty. I think the important thing is/was to realise I was putting down a double standard and being judgemental where that is an irrational and unfair thing to do.

 

My problem is now simply the jealous images in my head. You see, when your jealousy rages through you in the initial questioning stages, before you know it you have details to the highest degree of every encounter!

 

I now have detailed images of at least 9 of the guys she's been with. I wish I could go back and realize the futility it is to know that. Will these images fade? Damn, I hope so!

 

The answer is simple..

 

Stop living her past and force yourself to live her current-future. I'm sure she doesn't have images of the 30 woman that you've slept with, haunting her every thought, now does she?

[bazool]

The answer is simple..

 

Stop living her past and force yourself to live her current-future. I'm sure she doesn't have images of the 30 woman that you've slept with, haunting her every thought, now does she?

 

Totally agreed, although I feel a lot of these "just stop thinking about it", "past is in the past" doesn't actually work like that.

 

I think what really does it is that I don't want to try to repress the images or ignore them being there. In doing that, they'll just resurface at inappropriate times or in the future constantly. I want to, like every other guy going through this, be able to not get upset or react when these images rear their naked head.

 

Again, you can't keep telling yourself not to think about X or Y because it's always going to be there in the back of your head.

 

Anyway, I've literally decided that even if this haunts me for the rest of my life. I simply won't leave her for it. I do love her too much but I'm also secretly hoping this will all fade with time. The trouble is most have one experience like 3some to shut out. I seem to have 8 or 9 detailed experiences I try not to think about.

[Walk]

Some men seem to want a woman to fit into an image of pureness that will highlight the man's life. To own something means you get the option of "fixing" the object. Like that used car you purchased and then find out that it has a oil leak. You deal with the irritation until you can afford to repair it. But you have no say over how other people live their lives, or how they will live their futures.

 

You can share a few moments with other people, and enjoy it for what it is. OR you can view a gf as something you acquired, and when there is some part of her that doesn't meet your ideal, then that attribute would need to be altered. When men "own" something they can alter it to suit their wants. We don't own our partners.

 

I think it's an important concept to understand that you're only borrowing a short amount of time with this other person. You can either make the most of that time together, or you can attempt to adjust the person to fit your ideals for who someone should be. Its the attempting to adjust that persons past that causes the discord and emotional turmoil.

 

I still find it laughable that men want the wild sex kitten in bed, yet are aghast that she would have that streak long before he met her. As if she didn't exist until he came along to take ownership.

[Walk]

Totally agreed, although I feel a lot of these "just stop thinking about it", "past is in the past" doesn't actually work like that.

 

When I say "past is in the past", or "stop thinking about it". That means start training your thoughts to focus on the positives. I could sit around all day thinking what a worthless loser I am because I don't have a job right now. It is in the back of my head, but I choose to replace those negative thoughts with postive ones. That I'm a talented and highly skilled individual who has an opportunity to spend time bettering herself.

 

That takes a concious effort to change, and a great deal of people are simply too lazy to attempt it.

[KravJeff]

With respect to you and your emotions because I know as well as anyone emotions are regularly independent of intelligence and involuntary however I can't express how redundant it is to be jealous of your partner's past. As I recently wrote similarly in another thread if it wasn't for your partner's past, exactly as it unfolded, she would not be with you today. This is indisputable.

 

The past are stepping stones to the future and the culmination of your girlfriend's past, her upbringing, work life, ex lovers and other seemingly less significant events are what inevitably led her to you just as your past led you to her. Given the infinite possibilities life throws at us it really is a miracle you both met. Therefore you should be POSITIVELY GRATEFUL of your partner's past, exactly as it has played out, for it's why you are with her today.

 

This is some damn good advice ... I've been married for 10 years; for the first few my wife's past didn't bother me because of exactly what you say here, coupled with the fact that I knew at the time that I was the one that mattered - That I was "better" (whatever the hell that means) than the others - We were better together. However, as things began to cool, I began to become jealous; extremely at times. It has haunted me off and on ever since and in fact we had a huge fight about it tonight. My argument is that I seem to have fallen out of favor with her ('course we have a couple of kids, mortgage, etc ...) and that never fails to damage the fragile male ego ... However, she's here - we're together. I know better.

 

This advice was incredibly timely for me - I think I owe my wife an apology ...

[bazool]

This is some damn good advice ... I've been married for 10 years; for the first few my wife's past didn't bother me because of exactly what you say here, coupled with the fact that I knew at the time that I was the one that mattered - That I was "better" (whatever the hell that means) than the others - We were better together. However, as things began to cool, I began to become jealous; extremely at times. It has haunted me off and on ever since and in fact we had a huge fight about it tonight. My argument is that I seem to have fallen out of favor with her ('course we have a couple of kids, mortgage, etc ...) and that never fails to damage the fragile male ego ... However, she's here - we're together. I know better.

 

This advice was incredibly timely for me - I think I owe my wife an apology ...

 

I'm very happy you seem to have found a way to deal with your jealousy now and then however, and sorry to be picking out the negative of your post here, are you saying that your retroactive jealousy has basically been a part of your life and marriage for 10 years? I guess I'm trying to deal with my own in the hope that once dealt with it will be dealt with. I don't know if I could marry or put up with this forever!

[oldguy]

Men will buy a brand new car because they want something that has never been touched, something that is fresh and has never been driven over 55 mph. A woman buys a brand new car because she wants something that is dependable. I realize this is a simplified analogy, but I like it. I personally prefer a dependable, slightly used car but being that my sign on is; ”oldguy”, that might be expected :-)

 

I’m inclined to think that when guys actually do fall in love we tend to place the girl in an unrealistic light, (unless she’s been in a coma or convent most of her life). I also think that getting past RJ might mean, taking her out of that glass case we put her in. That view, in itself is a little sad but a more honest place to build a relationship from. I guess I’m asking here not advising. What do you think?

[AAlike]

Men will buy a brand new car because they want something that has never been touched, something that is fresh and has never been driven over 55 mph. A woman buys a brand new car because she wants something that is dependable. I realize this is a simplified analogy, but I like it. I personally prefer a dependable, slightly used car but being that my sign on is; ”oldguy”, that might be expected :-)

 

well, in many cases, the part of your analogy about men's thinking is correct, and it's a pretty sad thing when you think about it.

 

I’m inclined to think that when guys actually do fall in love we tend to place the girl in an unrealistic light, (unless she’s been in a coma or convent most of her life). I also think that getting past RJ might mean, taking her out of that glass case we put her in. That view, in itself is a little sad but a more honest place to build a relationship from. I guess I’m asking here not advising. What do you think?

 

I think that's exactly what happens - and it's not JUST with men but it tends to be more frequently with men. that's why RJ is so confounding and frustrating and you can't just "get over it" - it's very often a byproduct of the emotions that accompany when you first fall for someone and anything that can be perceived as a blemish to you hurts you. It's not logical at all. For the most part, it will gradually subside as the person that you idealize and the person that has a past become one and the same in your mind, no doubt about it.