Caught Wife How or should I forgive

[Bh2008]

Hi this is my first post and I am just looking for some advice or understanding.

 

Ok so I have been with my wife for 8 years, married for about 15 months, and we have a son who just turned 1. My wife is the good girl type, she doesn't swear, she has never as much as called me a bad name. She is very loving and up until this has always put others first. She is not a very sexual person, and is kind of shy. I am the opposite, I am very sexual, I do swear but I always put her and my son first. We had what I believed was a strong marriage (didn't fight), recently to avoid having to get daycare I moved my job to third shift, this made our schedule so that we didn't see each other but for about 10 minutes per day 5 days a week. Shortly after moving to this schedule my wife was feeling lonely and joined a chat room and began chatting with a married man who's family is in Texas while he sells their old home, long story short they became friends and started emailing, flirting, talking on the phone and eventually meeting at a bed and breakfast for sex, this occurred in the middle of the day while I slept. (Sex happened twice one week apart, and three weeks before I found out) I caught her after discovering a new email address, when I confronted her and she tried to lie, but I broke her lies down. She eventually admitted cheating twice with this same guy. She swears and I believe she is sorry and hates what she has done. She tells me she just wanted to chat and was lonely and things got carried away, she says she never wanted to cheat but she felt obligated (not rape she was willing) to do this to keep the attention he was giving her. She says she didn’t enjoy it and had actually broken it off the night before I caught her. She swears there are no feelings involved. During this time there was a definite disconnect between us but during that time I tried to talk to her and tell her I felt like I was losing her and she told me I’d never lose her, now it is her begging me to stay and I want to stay, I just don’t know how to get over this and get it out of my head. How do I trust her again? Please help or relate.

[Untouchable_Fire]

She eventually admitted cheating twice with this same guy. She swears and I believe she is sorry and hates what she has done. She tells me she just wanted to chat and was lonely and things got carried away, she says she never wanted to cheat but she felt obligated (not rape she was willing) to do this to keep the attention he was giving her. She says she didn’t enjoy it and had actually broken it off the night before I caught her. She swears there are no feelings involved.

 

All that crap is just damage control. Do you really believe that she just felt "obligated"? Or that she didn't enjoy it? Or that it was only twice?

 

If I were you I would make her go live with her parents and start divorce proceedings. Then if she really wants the marriage she will work her tail off to fix it. You need to show her that this is serious.

 

Or, you can just sweep it under the rug. You could consider yourself to be in possession of a get laid free card.

 

Either way you need to take serious action here.

[quankanne]

for her, I think the problem is letting herself get lulled into believing she *must* have attention while she's lonely for you ... sorry, but sometimes it's part and parcel of marriage, and you just learn to be creative with your time in a positive way. My concern is that if she starts feeling low, she has a back-up plan knowing there's someone out there on the internet who can raise her spirits because you're not available.

 

I know this sounds horrible, but I'm not trying to be a nay-sayer, just pointing out that there's a lot of work she's going to have to do before things start falling in place. Because you just don't wander into an affair; I believe you know what all the consequences are, yet you still choose to do so. And you've got to fix your thinking before you can fix the problem.

 

for your sanity, and for the sake of your marriage, forgiveness is a must. That doesn't mean she gets off scott-free – it means she needs to see what you are offering from your heart because you believe in the marriage, and it means that if she accepts your forgiveness, she's got to change her attitude of "I'm alone and he's available." It means, she has to understand that what she did cannot be repeated if she's serious about healing the relationship with you. And in this instance, I highly recommend counseling to help you through this.

[Bryanp]

I am very sorry for you but her story sounds very self-serving. It is amazing but everytime a cheating spouse is caught they say they had just ended it the day before. It is such bull. If you had not caught her she would still be screwing this guy while you slept in the afternoon.

 

I do hope you both get tested for STD's. I am sure she was probably having unprotected sex which put your health at great risk for STD's.

 

Her comments that she did not enjoy it and only did it for conversation seems ludicrous. I would ask her what gave her permission to betray you in such a horrible way? What did she expect to happen to your marriage?I would also question how many time this happened. The cheating spouse will always try to put the best spin on it.

You know she was screwing this guy while you were sleeping in the afternoon so why would you believe everything she is telling you now? Only you can decide if you really wish to remain married to a spouse who would humiliate and disrespect you in such a manner. I wish you luck.

[imagine]

You need to get the whole truth before you start healing. Short circuit this process by going for a polygraph test.

 

Anywho, get hold of the book -Surviving an affair by Dr Harley.

 

This book also short circuits all of the classic betrayed spouse mistakes.

[InaPanic]

I don't believe she just felt obligated or that she didn't enjoy it. I'm not trying to hurt more than you already are but she is just trying to tell you what you want to hear right now. I did that with my husband as well. I thought i was prepared to spill my guts about it all but then when i saw the hurt in his face I couldn't keep pouring more on so i 'sugarcoated' things. It will eventually come out tho & trust me, it will be more painful on both of you as it does. So maybe a sit down heart to heart is what you need.

If you still love her & you still want the marriage to work & you feel she does too then don't do the hasty thing & just kick her out or move out. You will get that advice from a lot of angry people who have been betrayed & it's understandable why they feel that way. But every situation is different. She messed up, big time....hopefully she knows this. And hopefully you two can move on from it. Biggest thing is she needs to severe all ties with this guy. At least online that makes it a little easier than if the guy lives in the same town (or does he??)

I wish you the best of luck.

[Bh2008]

Thanks for the replys. Ok, We have had many heart to hearts about this we even went away for a week to the mountains to talk, and she has been truthful to me about it on levels that kill me to hear. I have been given details that are definitly not sugar coated. She never said she was obligated as much as she said she knew it was what he wanted and she didn't want to lose the attention he had given her she wanted to make him hapy through sex the way he made her happy through attention. She has very low self esteem. They have gone completely NC and we are doing MC and IC. I do truly believe what she has told me, that it was twice and that it was not an EA. I'm not making these judgments off her words, I cross check every story, every answer. I word things to trip her up and the story stays strong and she is easily influenced by words, since my words arnt influincing I have to imagine she is just being honest. I judge her by her actions and by her lack of. I think she realizes now what she was losing. She says herself it was selfish and she hates it, that she knew it was wrong and doesn't know why she didnt stop. I have seen her cry and ache in a way that I have never seen her be before. I was with her when her dad dided (He meant the world to her) and it was nothing like this. I promise I don't judge her innocence on her words and I am definitly am not sweeping it under the rug, it has been a month and she cries daily, and gives me info that I ask, when I ask. We still talk about it a few times a ay because i need to. I can truly tell she is sorry. She said she went down there for him, and not so much that it didnt feel good to go down there but that a few minutes into it she just wished it were over because she felt bad. She has been tested for STDs and thankfully the results are negative. I'm not asking if she is telling the truth I'm asking how to forgive with the knowledge I have and should I forgive assuming everything she has told me is absolutly true? Do people deserve a second chance if things truly will be different? She is trying to make teh necessary changes we need, and she is trying to hold is together, she realizes the seriousness of it because when tehre are nights I can't deal and I start pushing for it to be over. Thanks again any info is appreciated.

[imagine]

I think you probably know already what course of action to take.

 

By all means use this board to vent here rather than at your wife. Whether she is remorseful or not, it not at all good practice to "lose it" in front of her ... but understandably human.

 

Patience and courage!

[quankanne]

She is trying to make teh necessary changes we need

 

really, that's all you can ask of her, and it sounds like she's truly willing to heal the hurt ... keep going to MC, and keep working at rebuilding the relationship – y'all will come back even stronger than before.

[lkjh]

Some questions you may want to ask youself are:

Who was watching your baby while you were sleeping and she was with the OM?

How long was she talking to him before they met up?

How long after your new schedule did she start to look online for someone else?

[LakesideDream]

BH. Difficult, difficult situation. As a male who has been cheated on, I have learned to believe absolutely nothing the cheaters says with caught or confronted. At very best it probably takes years of fidelity to overcome a couple of incidents of infidelity.

 

Your wife went looking for and participated in an online relationship on purpose. She wanted the attention and she found it. It soon turned into a physical affair. This was also her choice. She wasn't "obligated" to do anything. No mature adult believes that typing on a chat line obligates the person to allow the chat partner to penetrate them sexually.

 

This wasn't an accidential happening. She planned and carried out her plans.

 

Personally I believe that when a husband or wife in a marriage or has sex with a person outside the marriage/relationship a boundry has been crossed that can't be reconstructed. Marriage itself as an institution is based on sexual fidelity. The original idea was to announce that the partners were no longer sexually available. Once a person breaks that barrier once.. it's much easier to do it again... and again.

 

I don't know whether I could overlook that transgression in marriage. In my case, when I found out about my ex's infidelity, I no longer wanted to be married... period. That was after 25 years. Maybe you can forgive.. or forget.. or something that will allow you to stay together. Good luck on that.

[Darth Vader]

I do agree that it was planned! I think the sex was much more intense than first mentioned, it almost always is!

 

You may be able to forgive, but, not forget I'm afraid!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not asking if she is telling the truth I'm asking how to forgive with the knowledge I have and should I forgive assuming everything she has told me is absolutly true? Do people deserve a second chance if things truly will be different? She is trying to make teh necessary changes we need, and she is trying to hold is together, she realizes the seriousness of it because when tehre are nights I can't deal and I start pushing for it to be over. Thanks again any info is appreciated.

Bh2008, many of us are here because the issues involved in our spouse's infidelity led us to Loveshack. As a result of this, much of the feedback you'll get will be from the POV of the Betrayed Spouse. Judge it accordingly.

 

Marriages can recover from affairs if both spouses are willing to do the incredibly hard work involved. One of the first steps for you is realizing that you will go through a process coming to terms with your wife's infidelity, generally accepted to be:

• Denial, disbelief, numbness
  
• Anger, blaming others
  
• Bargaining
  
• Depressed mood, sadness, and crying
  
• Acceptance, coming to terms
  

Obviously, MC will help you deal with the challenges ahead. If it turns out to be what you truly want, I hope you succeed and you family and marriage emerge intact. Good Luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

I'm sorry your wife hurt you. I hope with MC you can work through this. It would be so hard for me to trust her again. I don't understand women who say they cheated because they wanted the attention. Find another way to get attention - like ask your husband for it? My cousin never cussed or used a bad word, is quiet and has low self esteem. Well she's had 3 affairs on her husband and he knows of only 1. So be careful with someone who's self esteem is so low that they will accept attention from anyone. It could happen again.

[tweldy]

Take this or leave it as it helps you or does not help you. Please don't think of it as condescending if its obvious to you.

 

- Did she have some postpartum depression (diagnosed or otherwise) and is she still suffering from some depression?

 

- It sounds like she is truly sorry for what she's done and is willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship. The question is, are you capable of forgiving and moving on with life? This is really up to you: its not your fault that you're in this situation, but it is pretty much on you to do the hard personal work to get past it. Its not fair that you have to do this, but sometimes life deals you a bad hand.

 

- Having a child takes part of the choice out of your hands: the well being of your child needs to come first. If it was just you and your wife, then you could only look at your own needs. However, you need to see this through the lens of what is best for your child as well as is your responsibility. Again, the situation is not your fault, but being responsible for a child means you have to consider more than just your own needs. This goes both ways: if you can't forgive and will become bitter and angry, you probably need to leave even if you want to stay.

 

Sorry, man, this sucks.

[Darth Vader]

Why should he leave? She did the cheating! She's the one that should leave, if anyone leaves! But, I see your point.

[twice_shy]

BH. Difficult, difficult situation. As a male who has been cheated on, I have learned to believe absolutely nothing the cheaters says with caught or confronted

 

So I take it you don't believe anything out of the mouth of the woman you are seeing that is cheating on her husband then?

[orangesean]

- It sounds like she is truly sorry for what she's done and is willing to do what it takes to repair the relationship. The question is, are you capable of forgiving and moving on with life? This is really up to you: its not your fault that you're in this situation, but it is pretty much on you to do the hard personal work to get past it. Its not fair that you have to do this, but sometimes life deals you a bad hand.

 

I don't think she's truly sorry, she keeps shifting blame. She's not taking full responsibility. I think that is very key. Saying she felt obligated or almost hinting rape is not sorry. It's trying to put some victim status on yourself, which is ridiculous when a third party can see it.